


Of Addiction

by imissedyourskin



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Cleansing My Soul, Even's POV, Hospitals, Lots of Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-17 00:31:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 135,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imissedyourskin/pseuds/imissedyourskin
Summary: So, what is Even's story? Who is the popular guy that leads Omnia Vincit Amor?A collection of scenes from the Cleansing My Soul universe from Even's POV. Scenes explaining Even's way to Isak's heart, showing his past and the issues he deals with. Both original scenes and scenes taken from Cleansing My Soul and written from his POV.Updates every Wednesday + Saturday (8:30pm CET+1)





	1. Of Addiction

 

_Cleansing my soul **of addiction**_

 

From the moment that I started writing Cleansing My Soul I've wanted to work with Even's pov, because Even is so close to me that it felt off not writing him. Writing him alongside Isak's pov has helped me figure him out more and made my ideas much more interesting. I fell even more in love with my mysterious, broken boy and am ready to share him with you now.

1 or 2 times a week I will drop a scene seen through Even's eyes. It may be long, it may be quite short, but it all depends on how far I am with things and what feels ready to be posted.

Welcome to Even's pov. You're in for heartbreak and you're in for love, through the eyes of my favourite boy <3

 


	2. 1| Admiration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had seen him in the yard one day, staring off in the distance so lost in thought, and Even had thought he was beautiful. Without really noticing it he had drawn the outline of the boy’s eyes on his paper and that was that. That had been all it took for him to get obsessed.

 

“Vilde, I’m gonna need you to do your magic,” Even told his best friend as he picked up the pile of flyers he had just gotten from their delivery guy. They had been neatly piled into a package with the name of the club on top: Omnia Vincit Amor. His pride, his life’s work. His everything.

Vilde bounced over, sporting a new pink skirt with a white top. She was sucking on a lollipop as she stared at him with wide, curious eyes, and for a moment he felt like she wasn’t even real. “What for?” she asked him, her voice as high and bubbly as ever. She was one of the brightest and most invested members he had and he knew that whatever he needed, whatever the club needed, she would be there to help.

Which was exactly why he let her take care of recruiting the new members, any press related issues and whatever more he felt could best be done by someone as enthusiastic and discreet as Vilde. She was almost like a secretary too, next to being his friend, as she took care of the most important stuff. Even truly couldn’t do this without her. And now he needed her help once again.

“I need you to make sure that someone will apply for this next round,” Even said as he handed Vilde the pile of flyers, “I know you can be persuasive in a subtle way, that’s how you got on top here, and so I need you to work your magic. Like, be up in his face, act very innocent, but make sure you plant the idea in his head that he should definitely send a letter. Make it seem like it was his own plan all along.”

Vilde took the flyers and frowned, her perfect eyebrows coming together, “I can try, I know I’m very good at that kind of thing so I bet it will be fine, but you do realise that it might not work, right? I can’t force anyone to join. You won’t blame me for it, will you?” She pushed some hair out of her face and pursed her lips, “who is it?”

Even hummed, “I won’t, I promise,” as he turned away to get to his bag, pulling out his sketchbook, “I don’t know his name, but he always sits out in the yard, the same spot every day. I think he’s a first year student too, because I haven’t seen him before. I would have noticed him if he had been here last year,” Even told her as he flipped through his work, looking for that one page while Vilde came up to him to watch over his shoulder. She knew he didn’t share his work often so she kept her space, but she was curious too.

He paused as he found the right page, letting his thumb move over the lines of the boy’s jaw fondly. It was a black and grey drawing of his face, or well, apart from the eyes it was black and grey. The eyes, those were green. Even had been so impatient while he had drawn them. He remembered how he didn’t have any coloured pencils with him that day and how he had rushed to class to find one there. He also remembered having to pick which colour green would fit best, going as far as returning to the yard with three different ones in hand because it just had to be the right one.

He knew now that the colour he had picked was slightly off from the real deal. He knew now they were a tone lighter. He had been able to see better that day they had bumped into each other in the hallway, where Even hadn’t been watching for once and it had led him to one of the best moments of his life. It had only been a moment, but a moment had been enough. Even had been close enough to see.

“This is what he looks like, sort of. You know my drawings aren’t always the best,” Even finally said, turning his sketchbook to Vilde so she could see. Her eyes were drawn to the page, taking him in, and a soft smile appeared on her face, “wow, Even, this is so beautiful. Not always the best my ass,” she complimented him. She always did that when he showed her anything. _I don’t get why you don’t share them, they’re stunning._ She’d try every time, but he’d never given in.

“Thank you,” He answered, taking the compliment, knowing it would be fruitless to brush it off. Instead he stored it away to remember when he felt down, whenever a piece wouldn’t work out. “Do you recognise him?” Even asked then, bringing her attention back to the boy instead of his drawing skills.

Vilde hummed thoughtfully, slightly tipping her head to side as she contemplated it. “I think I do. I think I’ve seen him from time to time. If I’m right then he goes to class with Eva. I’ll ask her,” Vilde nodded and showed her bright smile again, “he’s cute.”

Even cocked one eyebrow at her as he closed his sketchbook, “watch it. You’ve got a girlfriend,” he said, sounding stern. Vilde laughed at his remark, “really now? Is that the real reason your face turned so sour all of a sudden? Or do we have, what is it called again? A little bit of a crush, maybe?” She was teasing him, Even knew it was teasing, but he couldn’t deal with it.  

“Shut up,” He groaned, pushing at her shoulder to get her to turn away before the colour of his face would betray him, “just do as I asked you. I never ask you any personal questions either,” he lied, trying to keep her from asking more questions. Vilde knew he was just playing and she turned her head back as she let Even push at her, “sour and bossy, oh it’s definitely a crush. Alright, sir, I’ll do my best getting your crush to join.”

Even wanted to make another snarky remark, but he felt at a loss for words and so he let Vilde leave without saying anything else. He couldn’t ignore how she was completely right; it was a crush. Definitely a crush. He smiled as he flipped back to the drawing, taking in the boy’s face again. He had only noticed his presence a few weeks before, but once he had, it had been toxic.

He had seen him in the yard one day, staring off in the distance so lost in thought, and Even had thought he was beautiful. Without really noticing it he had drawn the outline of the boy’s eyes on his paper and that was that. That had been all it took for him to get obsessed.

It had gotten so bad that he just wanted more and more. Once he had even forgotten about some club duties during lunch break, all because he had been dying to go outside and see his face. This guy who always sat outside by himself, eating his lunch or doing some homework while smoking a cigarette. It was so simple, but he was captivating.

Once he thought he caught him watching Even, but that wasn’t unlikely or special in any way. After all, plenty of people knew Even and plenty of those loved to gossip too. So, the boy probably knew who he was and had heard some new rumours, that was all. Yet it had left Even blushing and his skin prickling for days.

Even was intrigued by this boy. He always sat alone, like he didn’t have any friends, and although Even had looked, he had never found him out in any of the clubs or at any college parties either. The boy either had friends outside of school or he just enjoyed being alone rather than spending time with others. He just hoped it wasn’t the latter, because that would complicate his plan of trying to get him to join.

Maybe it would be doomed from the start, but if anyone could make it happen, it was Vilde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short. I know this is nothing spectacular yet either. But my most trusted readers all voted for two updates this week. So expect the next Even scene probably Wednesday or Thursday! These first two are short, but I promise you, longer ones are coming!  
> Anyway, alt er love to all of you still out here surviving in a dying fandom. <333 I'm with you.


	3. 2| Recognition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Isak?” He said out loud, trying the name and Vilde hummed in response, “yes. It realy wasn’t that difficult. He was like a little lamb, just gawking at me. For a moment I actually thought he was deaf, because he just kept staring and didn’t answer me, but he’s good. Probably a little star-struck or shy, but I guess I can be kind of overwhelming,” she rambled.

Even was filing through bills and putting them in the right folders when Vilde walked in, or more like bounced in. She knocked on his door, which was open, only to get his attention. “knock knock,” She greeted him, coming in and sitting down in the chair across the desk. He could hear the excitement in her voice and it made him wonder what she was so happy about.

It was too soon to ask though, because she had started her joke and he had to play along. He barely looked up as he replied with, “who’s there?” Two more folders were ready to be stored away. Only twenty-three left to go. This was the shittiest part of his job, honestly: the paperwork.

Vilde kicked his leg under the desk, demanding his full attention and so he sighed and looked up to see the victorious look on her face. “Only the most magical, the best at convincing, the one and only girl that got a certain Isak Valtersen to write a letter to join our club,” She spoke cryptically, but when she put down the letter in front of him, Even knew exactly what she was talking about. The boy. He had written a letter, his picture was right there at the bottom.

“Isak?” He said out loud, trying the name and Vilde hummed in response, “yes. It realy wasn’t that difficult. He was like a little lamb, just gawking at me. For a moment I actually thought he was deaf, because he just kept staring and didn’t answer me, but he’s good. Probably a little star-struck or shy, but I guess I can be kind of overwhelming,” she rambled.

Even wasn’t really paying attention to her anymore though. Instead he was taking in the letter, the way it looked like the paper had been torn from a notebook, the spikey handwriting, the way Isak wrote his name. Even caught himself wanting to smell the paper, but he remembered just in time that he wasn’t alone and that would be weird. There were still boundaries as to what he liked to share with Vilde. She was discreet when it came to the club, but he knew she liked to gossip too.

He put down the paper and returned his attention to Vilde, who was talking a mile a minute now. Something about what Eva thought of Isak and what he was like in class, and although Even was dying to hear, he didn’t want her to know how interested he was in that information and so he cut her off, clearing his throat, “alright. Were there any other letters that I need to go through?” he asked.

VIlde stopped mid-sentence, looking caught off guard, but she composed herself and very wisely didn’t continue her previous story. She nodded, much more composed now. She had forgotten that she had to be professional more than anything, she had forgotten that Even didn’t share a lot about his personal life. “There were about fifty letters in total. Not all serious contenders of course, but I think we could definitely invite about twenty people over for interviews.”

Even took the bag that Vilde held out for him, “thank you. You’re the best. I count on you to deliver the news to those who will be invited, right? I have exams next week and will be out of town for the weekend, so.” He shrugged, trying not to make it appear like anything serious was going on. He was just busy. 

“Sure, yeah,” Vilde was nodding, “Eva and I will do it. You just worry about your own stuff.” Even knew she was only trying to be nice and understanding, but it brought down Even’s mood instantly. Although Vilde didn’t even know half of his story, she knew some things, and she always tried to be supportive, but all it did was bring Even down. He didn’t want to think about those things now. He had work to do.

“Great. I should get back to work then. Will you be there for drinks tomorrow night?” He asked, trying to stay polite and interested rather than letting the thoughts and memories consume him. He wasn’t sure he would be able to get back to work even if he managed to keep away the worries, and he hated how little control he had over that, but he would sure try.

“Not sure yet. Eva and I had planned to have dinner with her mom, so,” Vilde answered, the happiness having drained from her voice a little. She felt bad for him, just like anybody else that knew about his personal life, which was exactly the reason why he never shared his shit with anyone. He wished he could just wake up one day and forget all about it. But he couldn’t, and so he shouldn’t try, because that would only lead to disappointment.

“Okay, well, then I’ll let you know what I’ve decided either when I see you next or if you need to know it before then, I’ll make sure to send you a message with the names,” He gave a nod as he stood up to put the letters away from now, needing to finish his work on the bills first. “That was all,” He said then, realising Vilde was still seated and wanting her to leave.

She stood up quickly, pushing back the chair and twirling around without saying anything. He hoped he hadn’t offended her, he hoped she would understand that this was just how Even dealt with things he found hard to come to terms with. He turned cold, became hard to reach, that was why he wore a mask so often. It was exactly what he needed to keep his heart from burning painfully.

Once she was out of sight and he was alone again, Even flopped back down on the chair, tipping his head back as he closed his eyes and let himself feel. Vilde had brought back the pain he kept so carefully put away far inside. Sometimes the ties would just come loose and he’d feel broken inside, realising how little he had in life. He had only himself, and he knew now that that was all he needed to survive.

Only a few people knew his story and Vilde was the only one in the club that knew. Sometimes he’d skip classes because he had to leave in a rush and sometimes that meant wouldn't be able to join important meetings. Most of the club knew about his bipolarity, seen a that was something he simply couldn't keep hidden, but not this. Only Vilde knew about this.  

It wasn’t like the shit Even had to deal with was any of the club’s business, but it kind of went against what Even and Omnia Vincit Amor stood for. They were all about being open and supporting each other. It was a safe group, a group he could trust. But apparently not with something this personal. He didn’t really know whether that was their issue or just Even’s. Whether he had reason not to trust them with this or if he was just too cautious.

Even could feel how his eyes were burning as he could almost see that room, could almost smell the sterilized floor. His heart ached and a few tears escaped, rolling down his cheeks and tickling his jaw as they hung there. He couldn’t let himself get this vulnerable so easily. He needed to be strong, not just for his own wellbeing, but for those he had to lead.

He knew one day the bad parts of his life would be over and he wouldn't have to cry over them anymore. He wouldn't have to worry anymore. He would be freed of the one problem in his life that had an ending. The question was when.

 

...

 

3\. yearning

_“Were you nervous for tonight?” He asked, clearing his throat as he tapped his foot while leaning against the sink. Isak finally looked at him again and he licked his lips as he shrugged, “a little. Mostly nervous to meet you.” Isak looked like he regretted saying that instantly, but Even wouldn’t let him._

_He stepped closer, placing his hand on Isak’s hip, his fingers pushing at Isak’s shirt in order to get underneath it. Isak was soft in every place Even had touched him so far and he revelled in it, loved the way Isak squirmed slightly as he did, but never shied away from him. It had been so long since Even had felt like this and even longer since he had been in control of it. But now he was, Isak was letting him, and it made it easier._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, it's rather short again. But, the next chapter (of which you can find a small teaser at the end (yes that will be a thing now)) will be longer. Can you guess what it's gonna be?  
> I think I'd rather post two smaller chapters spread across the week than 1 longer one at once, right? Or do you really disagree??  
> Either way, love to you all <333
> 
> Saturday.


	4. 3| Yearning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a strange sensation, love at first sight. Even hadn’t expected to look twice at Isak, okay well maybe he had, after all Isak was a beautiful boy and Even would have turned his head a second time no matter what, but he hadn’t expected his heart to leap out of his chest that day. He hadn’t expected to feel his breath getting stolen as he watched that golden haired boy kicking his legs against a wall as he read from a book, a cigarette between his beautifully shaped lips. It had been a question as to why Even hadn’t seen him before, but once he had, he had seen him everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used in this chapter: Troye Sivan - Too Good

**3| Yearning**

 

 

Even grabbed Isak’s hand and started dragging him into the building. He paused once inside, turning back to him and pressing their lips together again. Isak was still as responsive, kissing him eagerly, his free hand coming up to Even’s face. Isak’s touch was soft against his cheek and Even’s eyes fluttered shut without him thinking about it. He could just stand there forever, just like this, with their lips pressed together and Isak’s hand caressing his cheek, and he would never need anything else in life ever again.

He let the kiss drag on for so long that Isak was getting impatient, whining softly against his lips before breaking apart, but he kept silent and waited. Even could still hear the question though; wasn’t he going to take this inside? Yes, he was.

So he walked backwards, tugging on Isak’s hand again, leading him up the stairs of their building. He was rushing it, not wanting to be apart for too long. They were both rushing it, but Isak was swaying and Even almost tripped. He had to let go of Isak’s hand to stable himself and it made him laugh at himself. At the same time he realised, as he watched his hand there on the step, that he was shaking slightly. Fuck.

Once on the right floor, Isak pressed himself against Even’s side, but they didn’t kiss as they walked to Even’s room together. It was nice to feel someone close to him, it made Even realise exactly how long it had been, but as soon as that thought hit him he pushed it aside again. That didn’t belong in his mind anymore. The past was simply that; the past.  

Isak let go of him at his door, giving him space to open it for them, but he didn’t linger too far still. They weren’t touching, not for now, but Even was planning on sweeping Isak off his feet the moment he got his stupid door to open. He hadn’t wanted anyone as much as he wanted Isak in such a long time. If ever before.

It was a strange sensation, love at first sight. Even hadn’t expected to look twice at Isak, okay well maybe he had, after all Isak was a beautiful boy and Even would have turned his head a second time no matter what, but he hadn’t expected his heart to leap out of his chest that day. He hadn’t expected to feel his breath getting stolen as he watched that golden haired boy kicking his legs against a wall as he read from a book, a cigarette between his beautifully shaped lips. It had been a question as to why Even hadn’t seen him before, but once he had, he had seen him everywhere.

Isak had been everywhere. Brushing his curls out of his face after picking some books out of his locker, at the campus shop in line before him, and of course he was always there during Even’s break. And every time Even would feel that breathless sensation, that dizzying feeling of being head over heels for someone he hadn’t ever talked to before. But now he had.

Now he had talked to him, and it was somehow worse. Because he was still interested. Despite the fact that his mind was trying to wave red flags at him, trying to make an alarm go off to pull back his attention to what had happened the last time he had been in this position, he refused to let it go. He got the feeling that Isak was different and although feelings were dangerous, they were poisonous and couldn’t be trusted, he wanted to investigate further. He was tired of being so stuck up.

When the lock clicked and Even looked up to take in Isak’s face, he could see the blush had disappeared from Isak’s cheeks. It was almost as if he had realised something that had changed the course of his thoughts. Was he scared of what would happen now? Was he scared of what Even wanted from him? Oh, such a sweet boy. He wouldn’t have to worry. He should know, he knew now what Even’s fear was.

Even pushed the door open and walked in, dropping his keys on the table, and when he looked back over his shoulder he could see Isak staying in the doorway, looking at him. Had he lost his courage? Were these nerves? Even didn’t want him to be nervous, because that would make him nervous too. He wanted to tell him nothing was wrong. In fact, everything was so right, how could he not feel that?

He walked up to the green-eyed boy and held on to his face as he kissed him deeply, leaning backwards slightly as a nudge to get Isak moving with him. Isak complied, taking a step with Even into the room so Even could close the door behind them. And then Isak’s back was pressed to the wood and Even lost the ability to be soft with him.

He let his lips drop to Isak’s neck, giving him some time to clear his thoughts and catch his breath while Even lost himself a little more. He tried to stay calm and not to rush this, but it was hard to resist when Isak was so pliant and could kiss so damn well.

Sucking at the soft skin of his neck, Even could feel it when Isak swallowed, his chin tipped up for him, and he just didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want to, but he did.

“Would you like another drink?” He asked, knowing both of them needed a moment to compose themselves. It wasn’t just Isak, it was him too. He was still shaking, hands trembling as he tried to get their beers opened, but he managed eventually and Isak took the can. The boy took a large gulp as he looked away shyly, while Even stood there staring at him, finding it hard to deal with his conflicting thoughts.

On the one hand he wanted nothing more than to take Isak into his arms and never let him go again, but he knew that would be taking this too far way too quickly. It reminded him of the last time he had fallen so fast for someone, someone who had returned his feelings but had been toying with him all along. Just a toy on the side from a straight relationship. It had hurt him so much that he had turned to excessive amounts of alcohol, which had in turn lead to an episode. He’d rather die than go through all of that again.

There was a reason Even hardly had any romantic interests, and even when he was interested things never actually went past a one night stand. Those one night stands were ten times more likely to happen during his mania, when he was out of touch with his feelings, than they were on any other day. The last time he had slept with someone, a girl obviously, he had been slipping further away into the void and had needed to leave campus to deal with his depression. It hadn’t been pretty and he had never spoken to her again, but she had kept quiet about it and he was thankful for that.

Isak was leaning against the table now, looking around Even’s room, which was a mess. It was like any other dorm room, but then with clothes all around the bed and with dirty dishes in the sink. Even couldn’t be bothered to clean. He would never be living in a perfectly clean space, because he was rather messy and so cleaning was pointless. He wondered if Isak minded, if he kept his room spotless.

Fucking hell, stop it. Stop worrying about every little thing. Stop thinking about all that could go wrong and fucking talk to him already.

“Were you nervous for tonight?” He asked, clearing his throat as he tapped his foot while leaning against the sink. Isak finally looked at him again and he licked his lips as he shrugged, “a little. Mostly nervous to meet you.” Isak looked like he regretted saying that instantly, but Even wouldn’t let him.

He stepped closer, placing his hand on Isak’s hip, his fingers pushing at Isak’s shirt in order to get underneath it. Isak was soft in every place Even had touched him so far and he revelled in it, loved the way Isak squirmed slightly as he did, but never shied away from him. It had been so long since Even had felt like this and even longer since he had been in control of it. But now he was, Isak was letting him, and it made it easier.

“Nervous because of me?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow as he brought their foreheads closer together. He didn’t want Isak to catch how nervous he was himself. He had to stay cool and poised, which was extremely hard to fake right now, but he managed enough not to bring worry into Isak’s expression.

Up this close he could see Isak’s gorgeous green eyes in detail, he could see all the tiny specks in them and hopefully he’d remember them all so he could draw them later. Isak was letting him look, letting him be in charge right now.

But eventually Isak was done waiting for him to make a move and he rolled his eyes before pulling Even in by his shirt, their mouths clashing together and Even would have laughed hadn’t it been for the fact that Isak’s tongue was shamelessly licking into his mouth. Holy shit.

Even tightened his grip on Isak and stepped a tiny bit closer so their hips were aligning, pressed together very lightly. Isak didn’t freeze or respond to it in any way, which reassured him enough to lean sideways slightly so he could set down his beer on the table. He took Isak’s too, setting it down next to his own so he had both hands to yank Isak closer. Oh Even wanted him, no question about that.

Isak didn’t protest when Even pulled at his shirt, trying to get it up and over his head, and they broke apart momentarily so Even could get the thing out of the way before they were back to kissing each other. Even let his hands trail down Isak’s back before letting them rest on his lower back as he felt Isak pushing back against him. He needed his hand there to keep him in place.

God, Isak was hot, so fucking hot.

The boy whined against his lips and Even broke their kiss to give them space to breathe, but he never let go of him completely. His hands found Isak’s hips instead and he held on to him as he walked backwards, easily finding his way back to his bed. He let himself fall down, keeping Isak standing and he straightened himself before pulling Isak to stand in between his legs.

He started kissing Isak’s stomach, his thumbs pressing into the boy’s skin quite harshly, but Isak still wasn’t complaining or stopping him, so Even continued his trail of kisses. He wanted to drown in this, wanted to forget all the bad experiences he had ever had, wanted to rewrite his own story. He wanted so much more than he knew he could have.

_Too good to be good for me_

Even closed his eyes, breathing in Isak’s skin and felt the boy bring up his hands to tangle in his hair. Maybe Isak was exactly what he needed. Someone not as stuck up as the guys he had been with before. Someone who wasn’t that well known around campus. Just someone so unlike what he usually fell for.

_Too bad that that’s all I need_

Even let his hands slide down to Isak’s thighs as he pressed his nose to Isak’s hip. He stayed like that for a moment, trying to untangle the mess of thoughts in his head. What would his parents think? Would his father tell him to be careful or would he support him now? It didn’t fucking matter, but he still thought of it, because he was unable to push them out of his life.

_Too good to be good for me_

“Even?” Isak asked breathlessly, sounding way too out of it. His name sounded so beautifully sweet rolling from Isak’s lips that it startled him. He hummed, tipping up his head and opening his eyes for him. Isak’s hands were still in his hair, but they slowly moved down to Even’s face, “are you okay?” the boy asked, so sweetly, as he frowned slightly.

_Too bad that that’s all I need_

Even swallowed, speechless for a moment as he hadn’t expected to hear that question. Isak had clearly drunk a lot more than Even had been aware of, that or he was a real lightweight, and they had been making out, but he still asked him if he was okay? How? How was he not just letting it slip? Why wasn’t he using this to his advantage?

_All I need_

Even nodded, clearing his throat before bringing out a, “yeah.” He pushed himself back onto the bed and rolled over so he could crawl up to the headboard. Isak sat down on his knees in front of him, curiously looking at him, and Even realised he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this now, not with Isak intoxicated. He’d be just as bad as him. _Him_.

_Fingers walk your thigh, breathe me love; get high_

Isak was different though, different from what Even was used to. What he was used to was people getting pissed off that he would quit halfway in, what he was used to were people leaving him. But Isak, he edged closer, placing a hand on Even’s knee like he could tell something had just happened to him.

When Even didn’t speak up after a minute, Isak got up, swaying as his knees almost gave way and Even immediately felt a crushing feeling settle, his mind screaming at him ‘see! You thought too soon!’. Of course Isak was leaving, who would want to stay now?

_And oh, I’m so scared_

He was waiting for Isak to walk off now, to say ‘fuck this’ and leave, disappointed in Even for not living up to the expectations people always had of him. And Even dropped his head against his drawn-up knees so he wouldn’t have to watch him leave. He figured the rustling noise he could hear was Isak putting on his shirt again and after that he waited for the sound of the door slamming shut, but that never came.

_Oh, I’m so scared_

Isak pulled back the sheets of Even’s bed and crawled in, making himself comfortable, and when Even looked up in shock, he saw that Isak had dumped his jeans on the floor before getting in Even’s bed. What the hell was he doing? Why wasn’t he out of the door by now?

_It’s just for tonight_

Isak looked up at his surprised face and cocked an eyebrow as he laughed a tiny awkward laugh, feeling slightly out of place. “Well, aren’t you getting in?” Isak asked him and Even blinked as he had to repeat those words in his head before he understood them. They stared at each other for a moment and then Even started moving again, “no, yeah. I mean yeah,” he stuttered.

_So I take a sip, wait till it hits_

Even got up and slowly took off his t-shirt first, trying to figure out why Isak was staying. He couldn’t think of a good reason. Maybe he was too tired to walk back to his own room, or maybe he actually cared about how Even was feeling. They both felt like two extremes that probably weren’t true, but he couldn’t figure out on which part of that scale Isak was, which of those two options his reason was closest too.

Even tried not to think about it when he took off his jeans and got into bed with Isak. Whatever it meant, he should just let it happen and so he turned to face Isak despite the fact that it scared him. Isak was resting his head on his arms for lack of a second pillow. He looked tired but content and when Even got settled Isak moved in to steal another kiss.

_That liquid guilt is on my lips_

Isak didn’t move away after that either, instead he kept snuggled close against Even and Even let him. He even wrapped an arm around Isak’s waist to keep him close. “Why are you so sweet?” He asked the green-eyed boy, feeling like he needed some kind of explanation for this, but Isak just shrugged, “why are you so mysterious?” and well, that was a good question.

When Even didn’t reply, unsure of how to explain that he simply had too many secrets to be unguarded, but it didn’t matter because Isak laughed softly and hid his face in the pillow he had now decided he shared with Even. He wrinkled his nose, dimples showing as his eyes squeezed shut. He was truly something, Even thought.

_I’m wasted on you._

Isak was courageous, lively and a breath of fresh air, everything Even had missed for so long. It made him bring up his hand to push some of the boy’s curls out of his face and he pressed a kiss to his forehead, “you’ve got balls, I have to give you that,” Even murmured, talking about something that was probably more important to him than it was to Isak.

Isak’s fingers tickled Even’s hip while he listened to him. He seemed to be thinking of something to reply with, his mouth hanging open like a fish out of water, but in the end he didn’t reply with words. He pulled his hand away from Even’s hip and started wriggling around, “I sure got balls,” he said as he kicked Even against the shin.

Even frowned at him, “what the hell are you-“ he started, but then Isak let out a victorious yelp and only seconds later Even saw that Isak pulled out something from beneath the blankets: his underwear. Holy fucking shit.

“Isak, wh-,” Even started as Isak threw his boxers away, but Isak hushed him, pressing a finger to his lips, “you said I’ve got balls.” Even stared at his face and huffed in amazement, deciding not to finish his question and settle on something else, “you’ve had too much to drink.”

“I did not,” Isak argued instantly, tipping up his chin defensively, but Even rolled his eyes and sighed. The boy had drunk too much, he was out of it, and Even was left to wonder if that changed anything about their situation. If Isak would have done anything differently if he had been sober. If it would be different in the morning. But it wasn’t the morning yet, they were there now, in Even’s bed.

He got enough space between them to get his own hands to his underwear and he swiftly took it off so he would match Isak, “great. Now we both have balls.” This appeared to make Isak feel a little more at ease, because he was smiling, and he settled down again, going as far as pushing his leg between Even’s as he lay his head on the pillow.

“Sleep, Isak,” Even told him, knowing Isak might have one hell of a headache in the morning. He wondered if he’d be there in the morning, he worried about what he’d say in that case, but he decided it could wait until Isak was asleep. The boy actually listened to him too, closing his eyes after Even had told him to, and it didn’t take him long to fall asleep.

He looked beautiful like that, with this peaceful look on his face and his mouth slack. Even couldn’t help but watch him, and although on the inside he knew he should be freaking out about the next morning, about how things would be different after tonight, but he couldn’t.

All he knew was that he was a goner, and it scared him shitless what that meant.

 

...

 

_4| Worry_

 

_Isak hadn't stayed._

_Waking up with a pounding headache in an empty bed felt like a blow to his heart, like Isak had ripped it out and taken it with him when he had left. Because he hadn't stayed. Of course he hadn’t, why had Even thought he would?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the answer to what happened That Night.  
> Leave me scenes you'd like to read from Even's pov!!!
> 
> Anyway... are you ready for 12 more weeks of fic??? because that is how long it is going to take for me to finish everything. That means Isak's pov every monday + Even's pov twice a week. 12 weeks long...


	5. 4| Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak hadn't stayed.  
> Waking up with a pounding headache in an empty bed felt like a blow to his heart, like Isak had ripped it out and taken it with him when he had left. Because he hadn't stayed. Of course he hadn’t, why had Even thought he would?

**4| Worry**

 

Isak hadn't stayed. 

Waking up with a pounding headache in an empty bed felt like a blow to his heart, like Isak had ripped it out and taken it with him when he had left. Because he hadn't stayed. Of course he hadn’t, why had Even thought he would?

He hadn't heard him get up either, or else he could have done something about it. He could have tried to talk to Isak about everything, about how things would – could -  be between them, but now everything was left unresolved. He didn't really know if he should have expected Isak to stay or not, after all he knew that things were very unclear with his game being the whole reason they had kissed in the first place. And Isak had been drunk, or close to being drunk, and that all mattered.  

But if he had woken up in time, he could have asked Isak to stay, he could have cleared things up for them. Although, maybe it was better that he hadn't. Maybe Isak would have said 'no thank you, this was only because of the game' and Even didn't know if he could deal with that rejection. He knew it was possible that that had been on Isak’s mind, but not knowing if it was the truth was better. He could deal with silence, silence never killed anyone, but words were knives that could leave ugly scars.

Besides, he liked feeling this way about someone, whether that feeling was mutual or not; the excitement of seeing them, the butterflies and sparks, the whole getting to know them. He hadn't felt it in a long time, but there was something about Isak, there was something in his gorgeous green eyes that made Even want to hold on. There was mystery, which made Even feel intrigued to find out all of Isak's secrets. Like what had gotten him to realise he liked boys this late on in life, and what was going on with his mother that made Isak afraid to call her? He wanted to figure out all of him.

Even knew what he wanted, but he feared that to Isak this had only been a game to get into the club. He could understand it if that were true. After all he had treated it like a game to begin with. And by turning it into a game Even may have gotten what he wanted, but it had also led to this insecurity. This constant nagging feeling that made the pounding in his head worse, telling him _not again._

But it had seemed like such a good way to play it, the perfect excuse for Even to get to know Isak a little better, and once he had seen what Isak had written on his list he had known exactly how to play it. And Isak had done just what he had hoped for when the idea had formed in his mind: he had put kissing a boy on his list. And Even had known then that he’d get what he wanted. But at what cost?

Because thanks to the game, it left Even in the dark if their kisses had been anything more than Isak fulfilling the assignment to get into Omnia Vincit Amor. Maybe Isak didn't like him like that. It was strange to think that, because it didn’t happen that often, and it made Even feel like he had gotten a little bit big-headed thanks to his ‘popularity’. Everyone always wanted his attention. He wasn't used to someone not wanting to talk to him or not wanting to be around him.

Not that that angered him, he wasn’t arrogant or ungrateful, but it would be such karma if out of all people, the one he was interested in wouldn't want to be friends with him, let alone more. Isak was a lone wolf, he probably wouldn't be interested in someone as extrovert as Even. It was best that Even wouldn't make a fool of himself and blow his reputation in the process. Really. 

Even knew that if he wanted to then he could easily figure out Isak's room from his papers, but that would count as being a bit of a stalker and he didn't want to be like that. Not with Isak. He knew stalking and how it could ruin one’s life, so he wouldn’t go there. It could ruin any chance he may have with the guy. So he would try this the normal way.

He couldn't stop thinking about their night though, how intimate it had been despite how they had both clearly had plenty of alcohol in their bloodstreams. It had only made Isak look cuter, with his blushing cheeks and his swaying movements as he had returned every kiss Even had initiated, until Even had dragged him to his bed. Up to that point everything had been perfect. Until Even had remembered again.

Even had expected for it to take a few days for Isak to find the courage to do one of the things on his list, he had even considered the fact that Isak could choose one of the other options too, but he had tried to show Isak he wouldn’t mind if he decided to kiss him. He had tried to make it happen, but Even really hadn’t been the one to make the final decision. That said something, right? That said something about Isak.

Isak had been the one to kiss him, he had showed Even how he had the guts to be part of the club, and that was admiring. Especially because earlier in that conversation he had told Even how he wasn’t sure yet if he was actually into guys, how he was still figuring things out. But he had done it, he had just thrown himself into the deep end of the pool without knowing if he would swim.

It had made Even fall for him already, because it showed how he had been wrong about Isak. It showed how there was more to the boy than meets the eye and he was dying to find out more about him, dying to see what else he had been wrong about. Maybe Isak wasn't as quiet and insecure as he appeared to be when he was sitting outside, alone in the yard. Maybe he was much more daring, much more the Isak he had seen last night.

But Even couldn’t be sure if he wouldn’t get a shot at getting to know him. He would have to be so careful about this all, consider every step he would take to make sure it wouldn’t be a mistake. Fuck, fuck Isak, fuck him for having such power over him.

Even rolled over in his bed and noticed the jacket that hung over one of the chairs of his kitchen table. It was the denim jacket Isak had worn for barely a minute after coming in for his interview, before he had taken it off. He must have forgotten it. Maybe he had rushed on his way out and overlooked it as he had rushed to the door. Either way, it was here, in Even’s room, as a reminder of the night before. At least now he knew for certain that Isak had been there at all.

As he rolled out of bed, padding over to the chair, he tried to think of all the ways in which he could go about this situation now. His mind was a mess and his thoughts honestly felt like a pair of earphones all tangled up. There was no easy way to get them loose and he was simply too tired to try. Instead of picking his thoughts apart he took the jacket in his hands and felt the roughness of the denim against his fingertips. In a cliché move he brought it up to his nose, wanting to smell Isak, but there wasn’t anything there. The jacket had either been freshly washed or Isak hadn’t worn it too often. The latter seemed the most logical.

Without thinking much of it, Even put the jacket on, feeling the fabric scratching against his skin as he stood there, completely naked apart from the jacket. He laughed at himself for it, but on his way back to the bed he picked up his underwear so he wouldn’t feel as strange.

As he curled up on his mattress, the jacket uncomfortable against his back, he forced himself to turn off his thoughts and sleep again. But, easier said than done.

 

 

 

\---

 

_5| Sykehus_

 

_Even had to take a moment to compose himself, staring at the glass wall of the building he was standing in front of. From where he was standing he couldn’t see his room, but he could see where Ellen’s office was. It was on the fourth floor in the far right corner. From there on Even would have to walk further towards the back of the building and it would be the third room on the left. He could probably walk his way there with his eyes closed, he knew it that well._

_When he finally walked in, the doors opening up for him and welcoming him into the part of his life he wished he had never been forced to get used to, things quickly went downhill. For a moment it wasn’t that awful, didn’t feel that threatening to be there, which was absurd, but then he smelled the distinct scent of the anti-disinfectant and felt nauseous instantly. If only it could be more like a home then maybe he wouldn’t hate coming here so much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are ready to figure out Even's secret... Saturday.  
> Anyway, I miss my boys so much. Writing/reading about them doesn't always help. I just need to see them :---(  
> Help me?? What can I do to stop missing them so much :----(
> 
> For those of you not aware: this fic has a playlist on spotify!!! it's called 'cleansing my soul' by goldndeys


	6. 5| Sykehus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was another ‘ding’ when the elevator reached the fourth floor and then the last to signal the doors opening again. Even was so used to it by now, but it was still a thing he always promised himself to become aware of. There had been times where he had felt ready to break down in those elevators. Times where he had felt the desire to stop it, to climb out and cut the chords, be done with it. After those thoughts had first showed up he had made the decision to focus on the sounds of the thing he was in, rather than the thoughts in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: (not major) CHARACTER DEATH & SUICIDE MENTIONING!!

**5| Sykehus**

_**Song to listen to before/during reading:[Bløf - Harder dan ik hebben kan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj6zDJlk3Os)**_

 

_It's raining harder than I can take_

_Harder than I can drink_

_It's raining harder than the ground can handle_

_Harder than I can take_

 

 

Even had to take a moment to compose himself, staring at the glass wall of the building he was standing in front of. From where he was standing he couldn’t see his room, but he could see where Ellen’s office was. It was on the fourth floor in the far right corner. From there on Even would have to walk further towards the back of the building and it would be the third room on the left. He could probably walk his way there with his eyes closed, he knew it that well.

When he finally walked in, the doors opening up for him and welcoming him into the part of his life he wished he had never been forced to get used to, things quickly went downhill. For a moment it wasn’t that awful, didn’t feel that threatening to be there, which was absurd, but then he smelled the distinct scent of the anti-disinfectant and felt nauseous instantly. If only it could be more like a home then maybe he wouldn’t hate coming here so much.

The girl behind the desk at the reception looked up at him with a wide smile, as if she was working at a theme park and felt fucking ecstatic to be there. “Welcome to Vestre Viken sykehus, can I help you with anything?” She said out loud, too loud, and Even wanted to shake her and tell her to remember why people came here. This wasn’t a freaking joke. This wasn’t the place to be cheery.

He stared at her for a moment, hoping she would understand how her excitement was inappropriate. She seemed pretty oblivious to it, but the longer he stared at her, the more her smile faded. She started looking uncomfortable, worried maybe that something was wrong with him, and she cleared her throat, “eh, sir?” which made Even snap out of it. He shook his head slowly, not wanting her to call in for any assistance. He knew what that was like. “No, thank you. I know the way.”

Without waiting for her to reply, not wanting to make her call in for help just in case, he made his way over to the elevators. He waited for the ‘ding’ to signal it had reached the ground floor, followed by the second ‘ding’ that signalled the doors would open. He stepped inside by himself, pressed number 4 and waited for the doors to close again.

There was another ‘ding’ when the elevator reached the fourth floor and then the last to signal the doors opening again. Even was so used to it by now, but it was still a thing he always promised himself to become aware of. There had been times where he had felt ready to break down in those elevators. Times where he had felt the desire to stop it, to climb out and cut the chords, be done with it. After those thoughts had first showed up he had made the decision to focus on the sounds of the thing he was in, rather than the thoughts in his head.

“Good morning, Even,” Ellen said as he walked into her office, not even bothering to knock. She was expecting him after all and he felt welcome as she smiled at him softly while she looked up from her files. He could still see the pity in her eyes, after months it was still there, but he never commented on it. It was no use, it wouldn’t change a thing about anything. It would only make her feel bad for being unable to hide it.  

She took off her latex gloves and walked up to him, pulling him in a brief but tight hug. After months of intense contact, months of late night phone calls and texting, she had become a close friend to him, someone he could turn to if he needed anything. She had been the only one he could trust with his concerns, his fears and uncertainties, almost like a second mom that he needed in his life right now.

“Staying for the weekend?” Ellen asked him once she pulled back from their embrace, scanning him from head to toe as if to do a quick check up on him. That was probably a doctor’s thing. It never felt like an intrusion though, never felt like something he didn’t want to deal with. She was aware of his personal issues and was only looking out for him, he knew that.

Ellen was in her early thirties and lived in central Oslo with her boyfriend. He had been at her place exactly once, on a bad night when he had been roaming the streets in the dark and she had found him and brought him home. That had been back in the worst week. She had brought him home and had taken care of him, had given him some tea and then brought him to the hospital where he would be safe.  From that moment on she had always taken care of him a little bit.

Even was aware he was getting special treatment at the hospital due to the fact that he was close to her, but he never took her help for granted. She had crowned herself as his guardian angel, doing anything she could to make everything just a tiny bit easier for him and although Even knew it was partly pity that made her act that way, he felt grateful.

Another part of why she cared so much was because Ellen herself was unable to bear children. She had told him so with teary eyes, that night when she had dropped Even off at the hospital.

_“Why do you take care of me like this? It’s past working hours, you should be at home not even thinking about me,” Even said as he stared out of the window of Ellen’s car. The road was visible in the headlights and it entranced him, made him unable to look at anything else._

_Even could tell it was raining and he could tell that Ellen was upset by the way her hands were clenched around the steering wheel, so he didn’t want to look at her. Seeing her face would only make him feel worse about himself, would only make him feel more guilty for taking up her time._

_Ellen kept quiet for a while and so Even tried again, “I’m not family, I’m no one to you. I’m literally a nobody, I’ve lost everything that made me a somebody. You watch people lose their loved ones every day of your life and go on with your life, except now. Why are you helping me? Why do you pity me?” He demanded, voice a little angrier now. He didn’t want to be saved, he just wanted to fucking die._

_Ellen sighed, but Even could hear how she was restless. He made the mistake of glancing at her sideways, seeing the way her lips were pursed. He was hurting her with these words, and he knew, because it was exactly his point. She blinked almost angrily, but she kept her eyes on the road, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Even, but I’ve gone through something similar. The closest I’ll get to having a family is by helping the kids around me. So the day I stop helping you is the day you no longer let me.”_

_It took a moment for Even to realise what she was talking about. The opposite. Family. Miscarriage. “You- you can’t have children?” He asked, trying to sound sympathetic now rather than angry. He had been awfully disrespectful to her, only thinking about his own problems rather than what this all could mean to her._

_Her knuckles turned white as she curled her fingers even tighter around the steering wheel, “I’ve tried countless times… I mourn what I can’t have, just like you do. I understand, Even, I get it and so I want to make sure you get better, because although right now it all feels like the end of the world, one day it won’t. You need to hold on and wait for that day, you have to promise me,” She finally choked up, frowning as she visibly tried to swallow the tears away._

Even thought about that moment a lot, about her words that night, whenever he felt like it was all getting too much. He knew now that he wasn’t the only one in the world dealing with this type of pain, it just felt that way. And although it felt like it was killing him sometimes, he was still very much alive. It was no use wasting life, he had to live it. Especially now that he was finding more and more reasons not to give up.

He looked past Ellen, down the hallway, and he nodded absent-mindedly, “yes, I’m staying over. How is he?” Whenever he arrived, before seeing him, Even became aware of how heavy his heart felt and how much guilt he was carrying around with him, how much sorrow. The hour it took for him to get from campus to this room was the worst part to deal with. No matter what he did during that trip, and he usually tried to calm himself down with music or breathing exercises, hardly anything worked. He’d always feel anxious upon arrival, it was just something he would have to deal with.

“He’s okay, not too bad. We took the endotracheal tube out two nights ago. He has been breathing on his own ever since, but you know we can’t be too hopeful. We’ve been here before and he had a relapse then, so this isn’t anything new. This isn’t a break-through. There have been no other signs to tell us he is waking up,” Ellen summed up for him, giving him her sad eyes again.  

Even nodded at her words, he hadn’t expected any big changes anyway. He hadn’t expected to come here and hear some good news for once, although clearly he had hoped for it. Hope never died, Even knew that much. Hope was too strong to kill, but sometimes it got easier to push away. Sometimes he could breathe, if only for a little, because hope only needed a bit of oxygen once every while to survive. It was harder to kill than a damn cockroach.

As Even took in the diagnosis, making sense of all the terms Ellen had used, he once again felt much older than he was supposed to feel. He was only twenty-two, but it felt like he was just as old as Ellen. He understood all the terms, he understood what they meant and what influence they had on everything. He had been dealing with complicated terms for these past few months. ICU, TBI, endotracheal tube, nasogastric tube, ICP monitor, ventilator. Those were only a few.

“Go see him. I’ll get you a cup of coffee and a muffin,” Ellen told him as she rubbed his arm and Even nodded once more, at a loss for words while he tried to make his feet work. They carried him to the room where at first he had spent days on end, before it had slowly turned into once a week and, eventually to, twice so far, once a month.

Even didn’t like being there for too long, he didn’t like the smell and the beeping sounds that kept reminding him of how there was a heartbeat but nothing else. He didn’t like the way it made him feel, being in that room, and so he couldn’t stand it for too long.  

He paused at the door, taking in the scenery that never ever changed. The bed close to the window, the countless machines surrounding it, the annoying and mismatching rhythm of their beeping. The shiny and polished floor, the two chairs on both sides of the bed, the wall of cards that Even always added to whenever he came over. It was sad to think how this was as close to a home as he would ever get again.

Then he walked in, slowly making his way over to a chair and shuffling it closer to the bed so he could sit down. Even did what he always did; leaned down to kiss his cheek, taking his hand to give it a small squeeze, and sat down close to him, “hello dad.”

His father never replied, of course not, because people in a coma couldn’t speak. They couldn’t return the squeeze either. People in a coma were more dead than alive when you thought of it that way. All they had was a beating heart. And chances were that his father would never speak again. The chances of him waking up were decreasing with every passing minute. One day Even would have to make the decision to end it all.

Even could see it every time he came over, he could hear it every time he called Ellen for an update; they were giving up on him. But he had known from the start that the chances of recovery were remote. They had shown him papers with predictions, possible outcomes for what damage there could be if his father were to ever wake up. He had seen the papers, he knew not to expect too much. Yet letting go was too much to handle now.

It had been four and a half months since the accident, four and a half months since his life had been turned upside down. Since everything he had known so well, everything he had been used to, had come crashing down. The stable home life he had relied on whenever things had gotten bad was gone, just like that. So much had happened since that day that it felt like much more than four months, it felt like it had been years. But it had only been 154 days. 154 days since the accident.

Even rubbed his thumb over the skin of his father’s hand, trying to feel his warmth, looking for a heartbeat. It always helped him calm down some, knowing he was really still alive. It wasn’t much to hold onto, but it was something. He only needed something. Because his father was the last bit of family he had left now, and he couldn’t just give up on that. If he would allow himself to give up then they would have pulled the plug a long time ago. 

“Ellen is going to get me a muffin. She knows I like those banana ones with pecan nuts. She’ll probably get me that one. I think you would love those too,” he said out loud, trying to make the air around them feel a little lighter. Anything to not have the guilt press down on him so much that it was hard to breathe, but he knew that too would pass.

There wasn’t really a point in him going there for the weekend. His father wouldn’t be there to talk back to him or to play games with him or do anything at all for that matter. It was just Even sitting there, holding his hand and talking, watching TV with him or listening to some music. Spending time with someone who was nothing more than a body being kept alive by machines. Yet it soothed him enough to head back to college on Monday and pretend like nothing was wrong with him.

Usually Even would spend some of his time at the hospital reading the post and putting up the newest cards that had come in, but that pile was shrinking more and more every time Even came over. People were moving on, forgetting all about them and their grief. It would spike again once his father would take his last breath, Even knew to expect that, and then people would forget they ever existed. They would forget Even was still alive too, probably.

Sometimes he would go out for a while. He would go and visit his old home, already occupied by a new family as Even had needed to pay the hospital expenses some way. He would visit his old neighbours, pop in for a cup of coffee and a short talk. He would go and buy some flowers at the market, where sometimes people would recognise him and talk for a bit, but that was almost always too much for him to handle. He’d always excuse himself after barely having talked to them for a minute, because they’d always say things like, ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I know what you’re going through’, but none of them truly did. They were just words.

Then he’d take the flowers he had bought and he would bring them to his mother’s grave. He would clean the stone with her name on it, giving some extra attention to the swirling golden letters marking her last resting place. There was enough space beneath it to add his father’s name, in case he wouldn’t make it, which Even knew was very likely.  

He would take some time to really make her grave look beautiful and clean, like a place where you would like to sit and watch the bees buzzing around the flowers. He wanted to make it homey, lively and bright, just like his mother had been. And then, after making sure it looked that way, he’d sit and tell her everything that had been going on in his life. He’d tell her about how much he was still hurting and how he couldn’t let it go, how he couldn’t accept that she was gone. Those visits always ended in tears and a lot of anger.

But sometimes Even wasn’t in the mood for that. Those days he would stay in that hospital room and just sleep a lot, feeling content by simply being close to his father, by feeling his presence around him. And sometimes he’d get physically sick and would end up crying over everything, letting the pain consume him for a while. It was the only room where he really allowed himself to feel, apart from his mother’s grave. Anywhere else he would just block everything out, becoming a stone brick to protect himself.  

A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts and in walked Ellen, holding a plate with all kinds of things, all for him. “One coffee, one muffin and this month’s news, all on one plate,” she said as she put the serving dish on a trolley that she then rolled over to him.

It was indeed a banana-pecan muffin next to his coffee, as expected, and the mail consisted of about ten envelopes of which at least two were junk mail, Even could tell straight away. He smiled at Ellen, showing her that he was grateful for what she did for both him and his father, “thank you. You are the best.”

Ellen ruffled his hair a bit, acting as if he was a child, and turned around again, “no problem, boy. Let me know if you need anything. You know how to beep me.” Even rolled his eyes at her fondly, noticing how he managed to smile a little and feeling guilty instantly when he looked back at his father. He was smiling about pointless stuff, it felt disrespectful. There wasn’t much to smile about.

Although he often felt it, Even had no good reason to feel guilty. The fact that his mother was dead and his father in that bed, close to dying too, it hadn’t been his fault whatsoever. He hadn’t been the one who had invited his parents to go out that night and he hadn’t been the one to drive the car either. He couldn’t have stopped it if he had done anything differently. He couldn’t have made his mother change her mind about not wearing her seatbelt for just a second so she could take off her coat, he couldn’t have turned his father’s head far enough to see the oncoming car that had jumped a red light. None of those things had been in his hands. But he felt like he should have done something, just something, anything.  

Even wasn’t to blame, yet he felt the weight of an enormous guilt always with him. He carried it around the streets, around campus as he walked to class or led the club. And while it was mostly holding him down, it was also helping him to be the best person he could possibly be. It had made him want to make a change even more than he had wanted to before. He put the pain into his art, put it in his charity work, and so it had changed him as a person. Somehow the whole accident had made him feel more convinced of his cause than ever before.

People often asked him how he felt about it all. Not just the simple questions either, not the ‘are you alright?’ type of questions, but deeper questions. Questions like ‘would you have wanted to be in the car with them?’ and questions like ‘what if the driver was standing in front of you right now, what would you do?’ They were the type of questions Even didn’t like, because they made him think of the things he wanted to but couldn’t change. They were the questions that he couldn’t deal with.

At first Even had hated that driver, because he had been the one that had taken away everything Even had known. His home, his safe place, his family… everything. Even had hated how the man had lost his life in the accident too, simply because in his opinion death wasn’t the punishment the man deserved. In Even’s eyes he deserved much worse than that, and he hoped they were burning in the hottest part of hell.

What he hated more than anything else was how the man had died at the same spot as his mother, how their souls had been so close, too close, as they had passed over. His sweet and caring mother, the one who had raised him and taught him how to love himself, and that drunk cocaine addict that should have been passed out in a bar somewhere rather than in a car on his way home. His mother deserved better than that.

Back then, when he had first found out about the accident, it had felt like his brain had disconnected all its wires and Even had to tie them together again, all while being colour blind. Needless to say he had lost himself in that process a few times. He had tied together the wrong ones too, fucking up and losing his shit again, but no one had blamed him for that. Everyone had handled him with kid gloves, and for good reason too.

_“Is this Even Bech-Naesheim I’m speaking with?” A voice asked through the phone, sounding formal and emotionless. Even didn’t understand. This was his father’s phone, had he lost it somewhere? But then how did this person know his last name? Even was just ‘Even’ in his father’s contact list. “Uh,” He stuttered, “yes, this is him,” he replied eventually._

_“Hello Even, this is Ellen Isaksen from Vestre Viken sykenhus. I’m sorry to inform you that your parents have been in a serious car accident,” Ellen told him, “you were under the speed-dial. Could you contact other family members and come over as soon as possible?”_

_Even stopped listening after the word accident, feeling everything fade away. His parents had been in a car accident? And... why wasn’t she assuring him that everything was okay? Why did she sound so formal? Unless- unless they weren’t okay. “Are they alright?” He asked, his heart beating out of his chest already, waiting for her to reply. The silence dragged on too long, it took too long for her to answer, and Even saw his vision going black._

He had cried for hours and hours on end without stopping once. He had cried until he had felt like he would dry out from using up every bit of liquid inside of him. The guilt had knocked him down so hard that he had felt as if the air had been beaten out of him. Somehow he should have done something, even though he didn’t know exactly what. That was just how he had felt.

The days that had passed after that phonecall, with his father in the hospital and his mother’s funeral to be arranged, Even had gone from a carefree guy in his early twenties to a grown up. He hadn’t grasped how much it actually took to organise everything. The money issues, the paperwork, the decisions to be made, and all of it had been in his hands.

Back then he had lost track of everything. So many people had demanded his attention, so many things had needed to be signed that Even didn’t remember most of that week. But what he did remember was seeing his mother in her coffin, her face made up but with bruises still showing through. He remembered the stitches that held back together the skin of her head from where the windshield had cut her skull open. He remembered the wig on her head that was supposed to hide most of it. He had decided then and there that there would be no open coffin at her funeral. No one else would have to see her like that.

What he did remember was a doctor asking him what he wanted to do about his father. He remembered being in charge of the decision whether he would live or die. Whether to pull the plug and give up or to take their time and try, regardless of how futile it seemed. To Even, that had felt like a question that hadn’t been up to him to answer. He couldn’t believe they would ask him that, but it was true how he was the only next of kin left.

So Even had done the only thing he could have done during that awful time; he held on to hope. He told them not to give up, not yet. He had just lost his mother and refused to lose his father too. He wanted to hold on to that as long as possible before going through another period of hell, another period of pain and sad faces. Besides, they didn’t know how strong his father was, how much of a fighter he had been his whole life. Even would be nowhere without him, without the example he had set. Who knew what he would be capable of.

Even couldn’t give up on that, not back then and not now, although it was getting harder to look at things positively. The more time passed, the less likely it would be his father would recover. Even knew that, he knew it but he refused to accept that every day it was less likely that his father would wake up. And even if he did one day get out of his coma, then the possible brain damage his father could have could mean he would be paralysed for the rest of his life.

So maybe Even was keeping him alive for selfish reasons, he could admit that, but at least he was holding on. He could have fallen into such a dark hole, letting it consume him, but he held on because he knew his father needed him if by some miracle he would wake up. It wasn’t that it was easy, not at all. There was pain, excruciating pain at times, but nothing he couldn’t deal with. Nothing he hadn’t dealt with before.

Not long after the accident, probably like a month after, when life had gotten quieter again, Even had gone through a period of mania. He had gotten reckless, sitting on rooftops thinking he could defy death after all it had already taken away from him. He had drunk too much and used too many drugs, sleeping around with girls who were willing to take his mind off of things.

He had lost his mind trying to drink and smoke and fuck away the sorrow, and eventually it had led him to the crossroad where his mother had lost her life and his father had- well, lost his too, and he had stood there screaming, crying his eyes out while yelling whatever thought came to mind. He had run up to cars and begged them to hit him, to just kill him too. He had wanted it all to end.

It had been Ellen who had found him, out of all people, and she had taken him in to feed him and calm him down. She had provided him with a place to sleep, had helped him take a shower, but her worried eyes had seen the things he hadn’t wanted her to. She was a doctor, of course she had noticed the way his hands had been trembling, the way he couldn’t stop fidgeting due to the withdrawal.

She had dropped him off at the hospital, telling a nurse to lock him up so she could check on him in the morning. “He needs to get clean. Don’t let him out, don’t give him any painkillers,” Ellen had ordered as the nurse came to get him. That nurse had taken Even by his arm, which had made him panic, but he had heard Ellen say, “be good, okay?” before he had been dragged away from the car.

Once inside the hospital, Even had lost it even more, panicking as he had realised where he was and what was happening to him. The withdrawal in combination with the memories of previous episodes, of his parents, they had been too much to deal with. He had felt like he was dying, like he was shrinking and death was coming for him. No matter how often he had begged for it, he hadn’t wanted to die, not really. He had just wanted to be at peace.

It was after he had hit a doctor that had come over to help him, that they had knocked him out with some sort of sedative, which was going against Ellen’s orders. They had knocked him out with drugs, but Even had been thankful, because he hadn’t been himself. And when he had woken up tied to a bed the next morning, with his hands bound by restraints, he hadn’t been angry.

They had dressed him in a nightgown and tied him to an IV, and it had quickly brought him out of his manic episode and straight into depression. It had been one of the worst episodes he had ever had, which was very understandable according to Ellen.

Even blinked himself awake, realising how he had gotten lost in his thoughts again. It was easy to do so when there was no one to talk back to you. The regular beeping of the machines re-entered his conscience, and he looked at the muffin still in his hand. He didn’t feel that hungry anymore, but he knew he’d have to eat or else Ellen would start worrying about him again.

He started peeling back the paper and breaking off bits of the muffin to stuff them in his mouth. As he leaned back in his chair, he chewed on the piece of muffin while picking up the first letters, starting with the junk mail. As expected they weren’t that interesting and so Even cut the letters in half and put them aside. Next to the junk mail there were six cards, all with his father’s name on the front. Room 411.

There was one from his old neighbours, four from people he didn’t know and one from an aunt living in Australia, telling him she wished she could be there. Even read all the messages, the words that told him that they pitied him, that they felt bad, but he didn’t believe them. People always said those things as if they cared, only to move on the next day. They didn’t care.

Yet Even hung them all up on the wall, replacing old ones when he ran out of space and putting them all in a big box in the corner, but never throwing them away. If his father would ever wake up he could read them all. “Aunt Rosa says hi,” he hummed before he stood up, taking the cards with him to the wall. He didn't know if his father could even hear him, but he didn’t care. As long as it soothed him, that was all that mattered.

When he finished putting up the cards he stared at the wall, his back to his father, and maybe for a moment he could pretend that they were just in any room and Even came to his father to ask for advice. And he needed some. He really needed some advice about his love life. He cleared his throat, played with the sleeves of his shirt, “dad?” He didn’t get an answer, obviously, but that didn’t stop him, “I think I’m falling for someone.”

He closed his eyes and tipped up his head, pretending to hear his father say, “really, son? Who is it?” and he smiled at himself as he thought of Isak. With his eyes closed he could almost see the boy, could almost hear him laugh. His sleepy face in Even’s bed, his messy hair and his soft pink lips. He was so beautiful. “His name is Isak. He just joined the club and I think he might like me too, or so I hope. I don’t really know, but we kissed so.”

Even swallowed and wrapped his arms around himself. He wished his father could reply to him, wished he could tell Even to go for it, to take every risk and live his life to the fullest. He needed to hear that from someone close to him, but he couldn’t. Usually his mother would have talked to him, would have given him advice, but that was now lost forever.

“He sounds perfect,” Even heard, and he twirled around, opening his eyes and seeing Ellen in the doorway. She walked in when he looked at her and she was giving him this sheepish look, “I’m sorry, I overheard when I came to check if you needed anything.” She smiled her pity smile at him and Even wished she wouldn’t, wished she could just let it slip already.

He watched her walk up to his father, checking a few statistics and pulling out a file to write them down. She wasn’t asking any questions, but Even knew she wanted to. She was curious, taking much longer than usual to check up on all the machines, almost as if she was giving him time to decide to go on, and Even sighed and rolled his eyes, “fine. I’ll tell you.”

After another moment of her trying to cover up the fact that this was exactly what she wanted, she put the file back where it belonged and took the other chair in the room, setting it down next to Even’s, “really? I mean, I’d love to listen and give advice, you know that.” She kind of looked… proud? Like a proud mother, and Even realised once again just how much she cared for him. She wasn’t supposed to, but he understood too, understood how you could get attached to someone that you cared about.

He placed his hands in his lap and averted his eyes as he let himself pretend this was his mother sitting next to him. Maybe if he tried hard enough he could remember what it was like to sit with her, if just for a minute. “The first time I saw Isak was a few weeks ago. Right after spring break. I saw him walking out of the door, coming into the yard, and I remember thinking how I had never seen a boy so beautiful. Which sounds stupid and romantic, I know,” Even started his story.

Ellen put her hand on Even’s shoulder, squeezing it but not speaking up, and so Even continued, “from that moment on I kept my eye out for him and every day, almost every day, he was there at that exact same spot, all by himself.” Even remembered it so well, how Isak had always shyly scanned the whole yard while eating or smoking. Sometimes he had looked lonely, as if he didn’t want to be by himself or was hurt by something, but Even actually thought he was most beautiful in those moments. His notebook was filled with both doodles and detailed drawings of Isak, especially of Isak on those days.

“And you kissed?” Ellen asked, having been waiting for a while, and Even balled his hands into fists as he thought back to that night, “yes.” He took a deep breath as he tried to word what he was worried about, “he got invited for an interview for the club. And I was so excited. I was nervous and a mess, it wasn't too long after my episode, remember that?” Ellen nodded. “And somehow it just worked, we fit and we flirted, and he was the one to kiss me.”

“That sounds amazing, sweetie. But then why are you so nervous about it?” Ellen asked and when Even finally looked up at her he saw her confused frown. And he got it, because why was he nervous? Just because Isak had possibly been drunk? Or was there more to it? “Because he had too much to drink. And we haven’t talked since. I’m worried maybe he doesn’t like me but was just trying to impress me, to get into the club.”

Ellen hummed and stayed quiet for a while, almost as if to give him more time to talk if he wanted to, but Even had nothing else to say. He heard Ellen take a breath then, eventually, signalling she was going to ask something else, and really, Even should have seen it coming. “Does it maybe have something to do with, you know… Jannick?” She asked carefully.

And just like that Even shut down again. The mention of that parasite made him so angry, made him so weak too. Was that it? Was it because of Jannick? Well of course it was, Even knew that, but he was still doing all he could to avoid thinking about it. It made him defensive, because although Ellen knew, of course she knew, he didn’t want her to remind him of it.

“What do you think?” Even sounded as sarcastic as he felt, but he couldn’t help it. Every time someone would bring up Jannick he would feel so attacked. Because they should know that even if he would never hear about Jannick again it would be too soon.

“Alright,” Ellen said, her voice having turned a little cold, and that was Even’s fault now, “I get it. I do, I’m sorry,” she got up and put the chair back where she had taken it from, “I just thought maybe you wanted to talk.” She took Even’s empty cup and turned away, and Even felt extremely guilty right away. He turned to the door as she started walking to it.

“I’m sorry,” He told her, hoping she’d understand why he had reacted to her that way. He knew she did, knew it was most likely the tone of his voice that had hurt her. “I didn’t mean to lash out, it’s just- I’m trying not to think of him so I won’t link him to Isak. Isak is supposed to be different,” Even apologised, having to look away when Ellen turned her gaze on him.

“I get it,” Ellen replied, her voice a little softer again, “I do, Even. You don’t owe me any explanation either. I just take it too personal, but none of that is your problem. That’s mine to deal with.” Now Even felt worse than before, feeling like he had done that to her. “Let me know if you need anything, okay?” Ellen turned back from the door and Even sent her an apologetic look, “okay.”

 

_[Matt Simons - With You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe6nWYZDJ9A) _

\---

 

_6| Confession_

 

_"Vilde?" Even asked, tapping the back of his pen against his lips, staring at the list of things they still had to do before the initiation. Vilde was setting down the drinks and snacks on a table, counting how many of each they had. She looked up as she hummed, meeting Even's eyes, and Even decided to just say it._

_"I'm falling for someone," He said quietly, like she would get mad if she heard, like it was big and important news that had to be handled with care. In a way it was, but Vilde didn't seem fazed, like this didn't come as a surprise to her. She hummed again as she turned back to the table, "yeah, I know. That Isak, right?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are. The first truth now out. I really hope I didn't scare you enough to think Even would die (it's impossible because we know that 1. he's in CMS which is ahead of this point in Even's POV and 2. I. only. do. happy. endings!  
> Still, I hope you didn't find the actual truth to be disappointing :----)  
> Anyway, this is one of my favourite scenes that I have ever written and it was so emotional to write too, because I feel this Even. This is my baby and I'm sorry for hurting him.  
> Please let me know if you saw this coming in any way, I would love to hear how obvious it was! or wasn't, of course...
> 
> See you back here on Wednesday! <3  
> ps. hurray! 200 kudos!


	7. 6| Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Even?" Vilde pulled him out of his thoughts and he looked at her. She was standing at the door now, clearly ready to leave, but she was lingering. "Yeah?" He asked when she didn't walk out straight away. Instead she tapped her fingers against the doorway, looking like she needed to get something off her mind, and her face softened, "I really think things will go well between you and Isak. Just do you."

**6| Confession**

 

 

"Vilde?" Even asked, tapping the back of his pen against his lips, staring at the list of things they still had to do before the initiation. Vilde was setting down the drinks and snacks on a table, counting how many of each they had. She looked up as she hummed, meeting Even's eyes, and Even decided to just say it.

"I'm falling for someone," He said quietly, like she would get mad if she heard, like it was big and important news that had to be handled with care. In a way it was, but Vilde didn't seem fazed, like this didn't come as a surprise to her. She hummed again as she turned back to the table, "yeah, I know. That Isak, right?" 

Even stared at her back, feeling both shell-shocked and like an idiot. How had she known? Was he that obvious? Was it that clear for others that he liked someone? 

When he didn't answer her quick enough, she looked over her shoulder, taking in Even's shocked face, "what? You thought that wasn't clear to me? Telling me to make sure he applies to the club, putting him last for the interviews so you can take your time, staring at him from across the yard and-" she started summing up, but Even stopped her, "okay! okay. Alright, I get it. No need to say it all out loud."

He dropped the pen on his desk and rubbed his face, "I just don't know if he likes me back," Even admitted, sighing against his palms, "like, I took him back to my room that night and it was nice and stuff, but then he totally ignored my existence the days after? I had to be the one to go up to him...again." 

Vilde put down the shopping bag and made her way over to Even's desk, he could hear her flop down in the chair across from it, "you SLEPT with him? God, Even, the reputation we'll get.. sleeping with a member to get in, why did you-" "No!" Even slammed his fist on the desk in an outburst of anger that surprised even himself, "god, Vilde stop!" He barked at her and she shut up, her eyes wide in shock, maybe even fear.

There was a silence between them as both held their breaths, as Even took a moment to compose himself and Vilde kept her eyes on him to read him. Even hadn't meant to lash out at her, but he couldn't deal with her judgement, not when she was supposed to know better than to think Even would do such a thing. 

He took a calming breath, closed his eyes and ignored the world around him, before he told her, "I didn't sleep with him. We kissed outside our building, had another drink in my room and then we passed out in my bed. No sex, absolutely not. You know I'm not..." he swallowed painfully, but he didn't have to finish, Vilde was already nodding. 

"Okay," She said, she sounded like she believed him, "so now what? You like him and..?" Vilde was testing the waters again, trying to get them to start over and Even looked at his hands, which he folded on top of the desk, finished her sentence "and I don't know if he likes me too." 

Vilde hummed thoughtfully, Even could almost see the pout on her lips as she thought it over, and when Even looked up at her he saw that she was hiding her smile behind her hand, as if she was afraid he would get angry again if he knew. She didn't answer him immediately, taking her time to recover, but Even crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, challenging her, "what are you laughing at?"

She shook her head at him, finally deciding that she couldn’t hold back her thoughts after all, "really now? You don't know? You took him to your room and made out with him, but you don't know?" 

And although Even knew she had a point, he was still getting annoyed and so couldn’t help but roll his eyes at her. His voice was a little tense, defensive, "yes. I have been fucked over before, remember? A kiss can be just that: a kiss. No feelings involved. If sleeping with someone can mean nothing, then a kiss can certainly mean nothing too." 

Vilde shut up instantly, her smile disappearing and Even could see the guilt on her face, she was clearly feeling bad now. She hadn't meant it that way, obviously, she wasn't that cruel, but that was what it had felt like. She should have known this was just part of his insecurities. She was one of the few that knew the whole story. "I'm sorry, I just- I didn't realise it was still such a big deal to you, that it still hurt," Vilde apologised.

Even softened some, feeling bad about making her feel guilty. "I know, I'm sorry for the way I reacted too,” he admitted, “but it's just hard for me to leave all of that behind me. It's hard for me to see Isak as a fresh start," he added quietly, "but I was thinking that maybe you can help me?" 

That question sparked her interest and she relaxed her shoulders again, a tiny smile gracing her lips. "I can?" She sounded so hopeful, and Even nodded, "yes. I want to use the initiation to find out if I have a chance with him. I need you to be my second pair of eyes and ears. I need you to see if you can get something out of him, you're good at that sort of thing. Maybe you can figure out if he's interested," Even explained.

Vilde tapped her chin with her pink polished finger, "of course, sure. I'll help with that, but... tell me that's not all you're planning? Tell me you'll talk to him too. You could even join us with the activity and leave him a cryptic message, like I always do with the paint." 

Even chuckled and rolled his eyes, "and that's better than watching him?" 

Vilde hummed and nodded, "yes, it is, actually. Watching someone means making assumptions. When I fell for Eva I tried to see how she felt about me by leaving her notes where I hinted at how I liked her. It didn't take her long to figure it out," Vilde smiled fondly, obviously lost in thoughts of her girlfriend, "but if she hadn't been into me I could have just denied it. I could have just said someone was making it seem like it was me or whatever. It's easier but also better than watching quietly." 

Even guessed she had a point, it would be better than watching from the sidelines and still be quite anonymous. Maybe he should do something like that. "So I could like, paint on him, but why would that make him think of me?" He asked thoughtfully, trying to think of alternatives. Vilde shrugged, "it was just a suggestion. You have to make it your own, it has to be something that reminds him of you. Also, if he's looking for hints like you are then you have to be smart about it."

"Well, I've got his jacket," Even replied, "I was planning on wearing that." Vilde's face lit up, "yes! That's good, that's great. Wear that. It could be brushed off as casual or be completely not casual, so. That's a great start. What else have you got?"

Even tapped his hands on the desk and thought of what else he could do. Isak had left that night, he hadn't stayed with him, for some unknown reason. But he hadn't seemed to be distant when Even had come to tell him he got accepted. He had to treat this as a moment where he could show Isak he was interested, but he was nervous too. He had to show Isak that he needed time to process this, "what about music? A song." Vilde pursed her lips, "well you're never sure if he's listening to the lyrics, but it wouldn't hurt I suppose." 

Even nodded and hummed as he tried to think this through. What else could he do to show Isak that their kiss had meant something to him? Kiss him again? But that would be way too difficult to achieve, he couldn't make sure that would happen. He could try though. 

"How about you find a way to get him alone? Especially if you see him respond to those things you have planned," Vilde suggested, "so you take him apart from everyone else, and that will show him how you enjoy his company. You're not asking anyone else, just him." She licked her lips as she tried to think, "yes, and that's when you talk to him. You'll have to be pretty obvious about it, I think."

Even listened to her advice and already got all these ideas for grand gestures. He was thinking too much in movie scenarios. Those never worked in real life, and if they did they ended in tragedy. So he had to keep it more basic, stick to something Isak wouldn't think too much of. Like smoking. They both smoked, they both hung out in the yard during breaks. That could be a good excuse to get him apart. It had to be timed right, so no one else would join them, but at least he'd be prepared.

He snapped out of his thoughts when Vilde clapped her hands excitedly, "oh god. I can't believe this. You're going to be dating again. People will finally stop asking me for your number, god the peace and quiet I will get from this." 

"Now let's not get ahead of ourselves, alright? All sorts of things could still go wrong, starting with him not liking me at all to him ending up being interested only due to my popularity," Even tried not to be too negative, but he didn't want to be too positive either. Yes, it was a breakthrough that Even was actually falling for someone again, that had felt like forever, honestly. But that didn't guarantee that Isak liked him back, and even if he did, that didn't mean things would work out between them.

Isak could be very impatient, not wanting to give Even space or time to work shit out for himself. He could be in it for the wrong reasons, reasons that had always made him wary of dating. Part of him still thinks he should have never started this club for exactly that reason, but then again things could go horribly wrong without him being in the spotlight too. He knew that all too well.

"Alright mister grumpy, I'll be excited for the both of us," Vilde replied as she rolled her eyes. She pushed herself up out of the chair and walked back to the table, giving Even some space to deal with his thoughts. She picked up her pen and jotted some things down, recounting the beer because Even had interrupted her before. But she wasn't exactly done with him.

"Even?" She asked carefully, which told him exactly what she would be talking about next. It was her pity voice and, god, please don't ask. Too late. "How were things? You know, you went away for the weekend so..." Vilde tried to make it sound so casual, but to Even it felt anything but casual. 

He kracked his knuckles, giving himself something to do, and the short pinpricks of pain he felt were enough to keep him distracted, distant from his feelings. "Same old," Even replied, his voice void of any emotion, "nothing ever changes. Except that more people start to forget about it. I don't get why you bother asking still." 

Vilde only nodded. She knew she wouldn't be getting much else out of him, but it was enough. As long as it wasn't bad news then she wouldn't ask any further. "Okay," She hummed, "and how is Ellen?" 

"Ellen?" Even asked to make sure he had heard her right, and Vilde nodded before she went back to unpacking bags of crisps and candy. Even loved that about her; how she dared to ask him those personal questions but never came across as pushy. She gave him the chance to talk if he wanted, and she would always check on him, but she would never push his buttons if he made clear he didn't want to talk about it. 

"She's good. They got a puppy to make up for the fact that she can't get pregnant. They're still trying though. I'm glad to know her so well," He told Vilde, smiling as he thought of her. She was truly meant to be a doctor. Someone so kind-hearted could change the hearts of so many. She had done so much for him too, that he didn't know how to every repay her. He was positive that was impossible to achieve.

"That sounds nice," Vilde commented, and luckily for Even she sounded like she was done asking questions now. It didn't matter though, because Even's thoughts were already there. It always grounded him slightly to know that he wasn't the only one struggling with the things happening in his life. All the awful things that had happened to him, he wasn't the only one dealing with those.

Ellen had taken him under her wing, showing him that although it felt unusual to have so much going on at once, it wasn't really. Her life was a perfect example of that. People dealt with all kinds of issues, some a little more intense than others, but it all depended on the person too. Even had had his fair share of shit, but he also had the luck of his disorder worsening things for him. His bipolarity could intensify his emotions to a point where it either felt pointless to worry or pointless to keep on living. There was a fine line between those two states of mind. 

"Even?" Vilde pulled him out of his thoughts and he looked at her. She was standing at the door now, clearly ready to leave, but she was lingering. "Yeah?" He asked when she didn't walk out straight away. Instead she tapped her fingers against the doorway, looking like she needed to get something off her mind, and her face softened, "I really think things will go well between you and Isak. Just do you." 

She turned away then, leaving Even alone again in the room like she so often did. And Even was tired of it, of being alone. Of not having anyone to share his life with. When club members went home, when classes were over for the day, Even would always end up on his own. In that office, working for the club. In his dorm room, working on his courses. In that hospital room with no one to talk back to him. 

Even was lonely, and just like Vilde he hoped that soon enough, he would no longer be. 

 

\---

_7| Impress_

 

_As he descended the stairs, already hearing the people down there, he felt his heart beating wildly in his chest. He was about to see Isak again, about to see his reaction to Even wearing his jacket. Even needed this to become clear once and for all. No more staring, no more cryptic questions and no more cheek kisses. Those weren't signals that helped him get closer to Isak, in fact, they would only create confusion._

_Even could hear people laughing before he even got down the stairs to meet them, and when he reached the doorway he stopped for a moment. One more step, just one more, and he’d be able to look into the room. He would be able to see everyone there, both his friends and the new members, but they would all be outshined by Isak. One more step and he’d have to begin his plan._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: I'm thinking of having another Honesty Hour this week or next week. I realise that maybe all the current happenings have left you with some questions... comment or send me an ask here: cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/ask in case you're up for it!!
> 
> Hi y'all, how is your summer so far!? I'm running out of things to say here. I just keep repeating myself over and over thanking you for all the love and stuff.  
> Saturday you will see how Even's plan works out. although you know, you know if it works out and how, but now you'll get to see exactly what he went through.  
> Leave me suggestions of what to do to get over how much I miss evak??


	8. 7| Impress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even took in the eyes on Isak’s chest, the way a few birthmarks adorned his skin so beautifully, and he felt so overwhelmed with the want to kiss him that he just couldn’t hold back. His hand trailed to Isak’s back, feeling his spine there and the butterflies in his stomach woke up instantly. They wanted out, wanted Even to give in to his desires and fucking sweep Isak off his feet. But he couldn’t do that. Isak could push him away simply for the fact that he had no clue who was standing in front of him.

**7| Impress**

 

 

Even put on Isak's jacket and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked a little tired, having had a few nights with hardly any sleep, but he looked good enough for no one to be suspicious of it. Isak would surely notice him, although hopefully not for the bags under his eyes, but that was the whole point of this. He had to show Isak that he was interested, that he wanted to figure out if they had any potential and so he had to make sure he didn't come across as too passive.

And although Even knew it was likely that Isak wasn't interested at all, if he had been then he wouldn't have looked away that day during break and he wouldn't have avoided talking about their night when Even came to tell him about the initiation, there was still a part of him that hoped it was just Isak being shy, that if he tried to impress him he could still woo him. There was still a part of him that hoped the Isak from That Night wasn't just drunk Isak, but the real Isak too.

For now though, step 1 of 'Wooing Isak' was the initiation. After his talk with Vilde, Even had sat down trying to come up with a plan to give off subtle hints. It couldn't be anything too big yet, just something to show Isak that he had been thinking about him. If Isak would respond to those subtle hints then that meant he was just as desperate as Even and was waiting for a sign too. No matter how unlikely that would be, he'd do anything he could to figure out the truth. Because even if he found out Isak wasn't interested in him like that, then at least he could move on. But he had hope, something he had not felt for a long time. 

That hope had also led Even to think of what to do if Isak did respond the way Even hoped him to. If, by any chance, Isak wanted him, then he still couldn’t pretend that it was easy for him and he couldn’t bring Isak home with him either. They’d still have to take this slow, because although Even wanted this, he also knew he still had a lot of personal obstacles to overcome before he could really give himself to Isak, and Isak had the right to know that, because it would explain so many of Even's actions. His hesitant behaviour That Night and the fear of being too direct about things…

Even kind of hated how he would never be able to go up to Isak and actually flat out say he liked him. No, he always had to make a game of things, wanting to test if the waters were deep enough to swim rather than diving in with the risk of head-butting himself. And only because that would be painful and crush his self-esteem.

That was why he would start with subtle hints instead of a bold move, but he knew that if subtle wouldn't work he'd have to take it a step further. He'd have to be more daring then, he could add in his stage persona or put on his leadership mask. But he didn't want to be like that around Isak.

So far he hadn't needed to cover up who he was. He felt like himself when he was around Isak, a more courageous version of himself still, but himself nonetheless. He didn’t have to pretend to be strong when he was around Isak, because he felt like being himself would be enough for the boy. During Isak's interview That Night he had started off a leader and had quickly ended up as Even. There were only a few people that managed to do that. 

But no matter how good it felt to be around Isak, Even was wary due to past mistakes. It wasn't the first time he fell for a guy so easily, so quickly, and last time it had been catastrophic. He had been damaged so badly that had worried he had become unfixable and he had sworn then to never make a mistake like that ever again. It was why Even had been single for nearly a year now.

So, Even was wary, but he was willing to try because he knew how wonderful love could be when things were good. He had been in good relationships before, plenty of pointless but good relationships, but never with a guy. His first boyfriend had been his first failing relationship, and it had ended badly for Even, not even for that damn asshole. Even simply had bad karma, he was sure of that now.

Step one of 'Wooing Isak' would include wearing Isak's jacket, music and a normal conversation. Or so was the plan. 

The jacket was a reminder to their night together, not just because Isak had worn it during the interview, but also because he had left it at Even’s place, and it was essential Even would get to see Isak's face as he entered the room. That could, and probably would, be the first sign, the first stone falling, deciding which path to take further. But Even knew he couldn't do this by himself, which was exactly why he had asked Vilde.

"Oh shit," Even cursed when he noticed he was running late already. He turned around and grabbed the bag with the last few necessities for the initiation that he was supposed to bring before he rushed out, barely remembering to lock the door to his room on his way out. 

As he walked, or more like ran, across campus he could tell that all the new members had already been taken to the basement and so he hurried while still trying to be careful not to draw any attention to himself when he sneaked into the building. How they had been able to keep it a secret for so long, Even didn’t know. But they had, and ruining it because he was in a hurry would be a stupid way to get caught.

As he descended the stairs, already hearing the people down there, he felt his heart beating wildly in his chest. He was about to see Isak again, about to see his reaction to Even wearing his jacket. Even needed this to become clear once and for all. No more staring, no more cryptic questions and no more cheek kisses. Those weren't signals that helped him get closer to Isak, in fact, they would only create confusion. 

Even could hear people laughing before he even got down the stairs to meet them, and when he reached the doorway he stopped for a moment. One more step, just one more, and he’d be able to look into the room. He would be able to see everyone there, both his friends and the new members, but they would all be outshined by Isak. One more step and he’d have to begin his plan. He was quite excited and yet also pretty anxious.

With his mind made up he took the final step and turned so he could face the room. He let his eyes scan the space until he found Isak, who turned out to be talking to Vilde. Good, she'd be close enough to notice this too. Soon the first bomb would be dropped, and he couldn’t wait to see what it would do.

The first few people had spotted him by now, standing there in the doorway, and so the room was growing more and more quiet with every passing second, with every head that turned in his direction, and so Even averted his eyes to make sure no one realised he had been staring at this beautiful golden-haired boy.

He really tried not to be too obvious about it and so he took in every single person in the room, recognising a few faces from the interviews while at the same time having completely forgotten at least two of their names. Who could blame him? He had been so goddamn nervous about meeting Isak back then that he hadn’t been quite as aware of the others.

Even felt his heart pick up as he finally met Isak's eyes, if only for a moment before he moved on. It was merely a heartbeat, but Even could see Isak's wide eyes, could tell he was shocked as he was looking at him, but Even moved on to the next person before he would do something stupid. Still those green eyes were all he could think of.

Everyone was quiet, waiting for him to do something, and it made Even extremely uneasy. His fellow members were waiting because they knew Even had most of the stuff they would need, but the newbies were all just awe-struck. He hated that, and he honestly couldn't wait for them to get over it. Soon they'd know he wasn't that intriguing and would leave him alone. Hopefully Isak was the exception to that rule.

He walked up to Mikael, the club's head of planning, and they shared a smile if only briefly. Somehow their friendship had never been the same again after Even had found him with a guy in the main office, making out while half naked. It wasn't a thing Even had been bothered by, really. He had come across plenty of couples that had been making out more heavily than they had, but Mikael had panicked once Even had shown up. He had run off and only when Even confronted him a few days later, Mikael had confessed that he was pansexual.

While Even had been ecstatic to find someone who could relate to him and his struggles, things hadn’t gone the way he had expected them to, or hoped to. For reasons unknown to him, Mikael hadn’t wanted anyone to find out he was interested in people who didn't identify as female. He had begged Even not to tell anyone, and Even had kept his secret, no questions asked, but ever since that day Mikael had grown more distant. 

Even handed Mikael the bag and, as planned, all the other members present came up to them to help. They would get ready to unpack, to take their places, and it was time for Even to take in his and be a leader now.

So finally, as he turned to the group, he clasped his hands together and spoke up to break the silence, "good evening to our possibly new members. I ask you all to form a circle, facing outwards." Even took a few steps forward so he could give a visual of what he expected them to stand like. Then he stepped back again, giving the newbies room to form a circle.

They all did without asking any questions, being quick about it too, and so Even continued, "great. Welcome to your initiation, or so it could be. We will only be accepting five of you into Omnia Vincit Amor, so you could see this as your final test. I'm telling you this because from now on you'll be judged," Even knew these words by heart and as he spoke, his fellow members were all finding a spot. Vilde understood exactly what was going through Even's head and she quickly claimed Isak, dragging a chair to sit in front of him, which made Even smile at her from where he was standing. Good. Perfect.

Even took slow steps as he started walking around the group, "what we ask of you is trust. Putting your trust in us will show us you are the right fit for our club, it will show us you deserve to be here. And with trust, I mean blind trust," Even took the blindfold Eva was holding out for him and he looked at it when he came to a halt. He was close to Isak now, he was extremely aware of that. He stopped a few feet away and brought up the blindfold so the ones close to him could see it, "like, literally blind trust." 

Even could see the shock on everyone's faces, their mouths opened or pursed together, including Isak's. He tried not to let it get to him, to read into it too much. This was still for his club and they needed people who would give a lot to be part of their group. Their cause was too important to simply allow in whoever wanted to join. And so, although he liked Isak, the boy would still be up for elimination.

"Now, to be clear: we expect you to trust us in such a way that you will not move nor speak for the entirety of this assignment. The first three that do, will be out. That is what we expect," Even explained the whole idea, knowing he would have to give them some peace of mind too. Most of the things they had planned were fairly innocent, so they didn't have to worry a lot, but of course they didn’t really know that.

"But what can you expect from us?" Even went on next, “You could see this activity as performance art. For those of you who do not know what performance art is, I’m not going to explain it all, but for you it means you will stand here and give us your trust to do with you whatever we please. Move you, touch you, whatever we feel like. Now of course with that I don’t mean anything too inappropriate, don’t worry about that.”

He thought back to his talk with Isak, where he had jokingly told him to shave and he wondered if the boy had actually done it. If he had been thinking about what the hell Even had meant with that. He hoped he had. "If you’re one of the five you will be positioned in the lower ranks of our club. If you’re passionate and show dedication you can grow and climb up to the higher ranks, where your job is much more important. All of the members present tonight are from the higher ranks. They will know if you’re up for it or not, based on how you handle this, so I suggest you try your hardest.”

"If you are all ready to accept this invitation then we can get started," Even tried to make it sound like he was asking if everyone was ready. If anyone had anything to comment they could do it now, or so he hoped they would. But no one said anything at all, they all waited patiently for him to go on.

And so he did. Even clapped his hands, keeping them together, and dropped the last bomb, "please take off your clothes now and hand them to the member sitting across from you before returning to your spot in the circle."

He hadn't even finished his sentence when people were already undressing themselves and walking up to their judges, they were that eager. Even recognised a few of them; Magnus and Chris. All of them went through with it, ending up in their underwear and taking a blindfold as they walked back to the circle.

Even was trying not to stare at Isak as he got undressed, but it was too difficult to look away for long. He let his eyes trail, settling on Isak's back as he bent over to take off his jeans. And then his fingers curled around the waistband of his underwear and Even almost couldn't believe him. The thought of Isak getting fully nakes right here, for everyone to see, it was too much.

"Down to your underwear," He hastily remarked, stopping Isak's movements with his words, and Isak turned his head to look at the group. He looked almost relieved to see that none of them were actually fully naked. 

Even waited patiently as he watched everyone, but especially Isak, getting ready for the game. Isak looked so cute while being this nervous, and Even smiled as the boy’s curls were pushed back against his forehead as he put on the blindfold.

Isak instantly looked a little more uncomfortable than he had looked before, Even noticed it immediately, and his hands were loosely balled into fists. Even knew what it was like, to wear a blindfold and feel like you had lost all control. It had been in a different setting, with someone who had thought he could trust but couldn't, but it had been the same feeling. He had never put on a blindfold ever again in his life.

When everyone was in place, Even started circling the group. “Alright. Let me put on some music so you have something to listen to. Remember: put your trust in us, we will not let you down.”  He walked up to the radio they had brought out for music and connected his phone to it before scrolling to the playlist he had conveniently named ‘Isak’.

Alright, this was it. Part two of the night: music. Even had looked for a fitting song for so long, unable to find anything that fit just right, which was a miracle because Even knew a ton of music. And then, right after he had given up, he had turned on his laptop to watch Eurovision and this song hit him so hard he had cried for an hour. Even fucking hated crying, but he hadn’t been able to stop.

And so when he hit play, he wished he was standing right in front of Isak, wished he could look right into those beautiful eyes of his and see what the words did to him. But Even had to remember that he was in the middle of this game, and he might not even be paying attention to the song at all, which was why it wasn’t Even’s only hint, of course.

Even watched from the side-lines as his fellow members picked up their tools and made their way over to the newbies. Vilde started with Isak, getting paint on her brush, and she had this intense look on her face as she started drawing on Isak's skin. Paint was her thing, so no matter how small she made her drawings sometimes, they always looked detailed and perfect. That was the deal: all members did what they were best at. 

If things went well this could be over within minutes. And the best at knocking people out was Mikael. He was just setting his chair behind Isak as Vilde moved on to draw on the next person, and after a few seconds Even could see Mikael touching Isak's back next. He could tell the boy froze and his body trembled for a moment due to the shock, but that was expected. 

Even wondered what Isak would do, how he would respond to Mikael and his scissors. If he wanted to keep his hair that length badly enough to move and lose this. Even hoped he would hold on. He really did. But when Mikael opened his scissors and took the first lock of hair between his fingers, checking the length and then snipping off half of it, Even was holding his breath. And Isak, well Isak stayed still, even if he was biting his lip anxiously, and Even was proud.

Mikael didn’t have a lot of work on Isak, most that he did was cut off some of the length, and so he moved on quite fast, to a girl this time. Even noticed the way that girl cringed when she heard the scissors and knew it was likely she’d snap. Mikael would never just cut off more than dead ends for the girls, knowing they often felt very attached to their hair, like Mikael himself, but most couldn't even take that. And neither could this girl. She pulled up her shoulders and brought up her hands to cover her hair and Mikael stopped immediately, knowing he had done enough and so he moved on to the next person.

At the same time someone on the other side of the circle pulled away their arm from Vilde's grip, appearing to be too ticklish or just not liking the feeling of paint on their skin. So that was two. God, Isak just had to hold on a little longer. It was making Even nervous, but he had faith. Fuck, if he would manage to hold on then Even would feel so much lighter.

Speaking of Isak… The boy was currently getting frozen by Eva's ice cubes, looking like the cold against his skin was leaving him breathless, the air stuck in his upper chest. But he wasn’t moving, no matter what.

Eva hadn’t wanted to copy her girlfriend and paint as well, even though it was her thing too. She had wanted something more innocent than that, so she had come up with ice. It was an annoying feeling and could definitely be a breaking point for someone. Not for Isak though.

As Even came closer he could see the goose bumps on Isak's arms and it made him smile, noticing these small things about him. From the way he licked his lips every time he was left alone again to the steady rise and fall of his chest, Even was intrigued by him.

Eva moved on, noticing him standing near, and Even stayed in place. He found it hard to look away from Isak, to stop watching him as he stood there while putting his trust in the club, in Even. He knew if any other members were watching him they would probably figure this out so easily, Even was sure they would be able to tell. So what the heck? What was stopping him from getting involved? He wanted to figure out how Isak felt, right? He was being much too tame right now to achieve that.

So he walked to the table with paint, where Vilde kept her brushes and colours, and he picked up the one that was covered in green. He felt nervous, scared to give himself away and get rejected, but fuck it. He needed to take a risk.

With the paintbrush in his hand he walked over to Isak, stopping Yousef in his tracks as he was about to reach his crush. Yousef only shrugged as Even took his place and he stepped aside to give him space. Even didn’t even look at him, couldn’t, because he only had eyes for Isak.

He loved the way Isak stood there so innocently, waiting for something to happen again, and Even just wanted to kiss him already. He didn’t though, and not because he didn’t want to, but because he would have to follow the format and start with a touch first.

He looked at his own hand as he brought it up to Isak’s hip, noticing the way the boy’s body shivered as Even’s hand came into contact with his skin. Would he know? Would he make the connection to how Even had touched him there before?

He settled his hand there without putting too much pressure on it. It was a light touch that made Isak inhale sharply, but he stayed still despite the fact that he was frowning, Even could tell. He was probably wondering who was daring to get this close.

It wasn’t the first time Even got to touch his skin, but to him it felt like that. The fact that Isak didn’t know it was him was thrilling and it made him wish he could tell what he was thinking. If he hoped it was Even, if he knew it was him due to the fact that this wasn’t the first time Even had touched his hip like that.

As Even stood there, so close to Isak that he could just fuck this up for both of them, he had to take a moment to convince himself that this was the right decision. That he could do this without making Isak cave in and move, because he had to be strict then. He would have to be, or else the others would lose their faith in him. The last thing he wanted was to appear like he valued a crush over the rules of the club.

A mistake was just around the corner, but he simply couldn’t resist this opportunity. He’d be anonymous and it would be up to Isak to guess who had done what. He wouldn’t get a better shot at being bold that night, he was sure of it. So with those conflicting thoughts still in the back of his mind, Even put the brush to Isak’s skin.

Drawing always made him calm and so Even knew from the moment the brush touched Isak’s skin that he couldn’t mess this up. Not him at least. He drew the outline of a pair of eyes, because those were what he loved so much about Isak. If this had been pencil he could have drawn so many details, because by now he had figured out most of what they looked like, but this was paint and paint wasn’t his strongest point.

He drew two pupils inside the circles and then felt someone by his side. Vilde was holding out her brush, white paint dripping from it, and so Even handed her the green brush and took the white from her hand so he could add details to the eyes. Eyelashes, tiny specks in the pupils. Then he returned the brush to Vilde so his hands would be free and he could look at his work. She smiled at him knowingly before she stepped away again.

Even took in the eyes on Isak’s chest, the way a few birthmarks adorned his skin so beautifully, and he felt so overwhelmed with the want to kiss him that he just couldn’t hold back. His hand trailed to Isak’s back, feeling his spine there and the butterflies in his stomach woke up instantly. They wanted out, wanted Even to give in to his desires and fucking sweep Isak off his feet. But he couldn’t do that. Isak could push him away simply for the fact that he had no clue who was standing in front of him.

Instead of giving in to the want to kiss him, Even dropped his head to Isak’s shoulder and pressed a tiny, soft kiss there. That could still be brushed off as weirdly friendly or something, right? Or maybe it couldn’t, but Even found he honestly didn’t care for it any longer. He kept his lips there, pressed against Isak’s skin as he let himself have this moment. Maybe Isak wouldn’t want him, then this could easily be the last time he got to be this close to him.

And that thought was just too much to bear. It made Even desperate, so desperate to kiss him that he almost did it. Almost. He stopped himself right in time, just the tip of their noses touching, and he could hear Isak’s breathing, could feel his body thrumming slightly as he tried to stay still. Did he know? Had he figured out this was Even? Was that why he was trying so hard to hold on?

Even wished he could look into Isak’s eyes right now, but he worried that would make him completely lose it and so in the end he was kind of thankful for the blindfold. He let his eyes trail down so he could stare at the part of Isak’s face that he could see. The boy’s lips were slightly parted and he was breathing through his mouth in an attempt to get it back to normal. Even watched him lick those beautiful lips, his breathing silent for a moment as his lips pressed together, before they opened again.

God, Even adored him. Adored every freckle on his cheekbones, the curve of his lips, everything. It hardly seemed possible to be this far gone for to someone you hardly knew, but it had still happened to him. Fucking love at first sight. If only Even could be convinced that it was bullshit.

Isak tipped his chin up just slightly, it was barely a movement, but it made Even’s breathing stock in anticipation, and the fact that he had just moved made his heart plummet to the floor. No, nonono. Isak hadn’t just… had he? Fuck, Even pulled away, looking at the rest of the circle just as another girl fell victim to Mikael’s scissors.

Even was torn. Had Isak moved first? Did he have to send him home? But he couldn’t do that… please, fuck, why had Isak moved? Why had he moved in? No one else had been subjected to an almost-kiss, which meant it almost wasn’t fair that he would be sent home for that when he had been so good with the others. Even had unknowingly made it worse for Isak to survive the game.

When he met Vilde’s eyes he could tell that she knew. Her eyes were fiery and Even could see that she had a hard time deciding whether to speak up or let it slip. She was contemplating whether Even’s happiness was worth breaking a club rule or if she had to spill the truth.  

Even instinctively took a few steps towards her, and he figured he was pleading now. He hoped she could see in his eyes how this was important to him, how he wanted nothing more than to take back his mistake. But Vilde turned away, she turned her head like she hadn’t even seen him coming for her. Either she was mad at him for what he had done or she was giving him the green light. Either way, the second Even realised what she was doing, he made the decision: he wasn’t going to let this opportunity slip.

“Alright, turn off the music,” He spoke like a leader, and because he did, everyone listened to him. The original members stepped away from the person they had been working on and walked away from the circle, knowing the game had ended. Mikael took his stuff and got out of the inner circle and Vilde went and put down her brushes, quietly cleaning her hands as she waited for Even to continue. Eva was the one who turned off the playlist.

When silence fell around them, Even went on, “three people have not been able to give us their trust. I will now come help those three to take off their blindfolds. If you are one of those, I ask you to quietly get your clothes and leave,” he sounded very business-like, using his leader voice on the group, and that worked.

The girl who had moved thanks to Mikael’s hair cutting was already bringing up her own hands to the blindfold, and Even helped her take it off without really touching her. She blinked as she had to adjust her sight to the lights and then she shot Even a glare before she barged off. He let her, not really caring about her anyway. He had other things to think of.

He quickly moved on to the second person, and then the third, which luckily wasn’t Isak. “Thank you for applying, but unfortunately we don’t have a place for you right now. Try again next time,” Even said, trying to sound like he was thankful. He watched them leave after putting on their clothes, and then, when they were finally out of sight, Even could breathe again. They had made it, all thanks to Vilde, but they had made it. Isak was in.

There was only one last thing for Even left to say before he could drop his leadership role and move on with plan ‘Wooing Isak’. “Congratulations. You are the five newest members of Omnia Vincit Amor. I am proud to welcome you to our cause. You can take off your blindfolds now and get dressed again, you won’t be partying in your underwear.”

Even had to try his hardest not to let his eyes find Isak in the group. Instead he pretended to be watching everyone as they started moving again, getting their clothes back, and two of the girls instantly disappeared towards the bathrooms. There was a guy among them that Even remembered from the interviews: Magnus. He walked around like he was proud, his hair cut in a slightly different style from what Even remembered, and his chest covered in paint.

When he saw Isak pass by, following the others to the bathroom, he turned to see Vilde standing by herself, her eyes burning a hole in him as they settled on his face. She was silently beckoning him over. And so Even, as nervous as he felt about it, made his way over to his best friend. She was cleaning up after herself, but she stopped when Even reached her.

Vilde didn’t look at him when she started talking in hushed tones, just so no one else would hear, and Even felt guilty, “okay, first of all, realise that I am never again saving your ass the way I just did. You decided it was a good idea to make it kind of inappropriate for him and so he should have been the one sent home. It would have been your own fault,” she sounded bossy and a little angry, and Even couldn’t blame her.

“Then why did you save my ass?” Even asked quietly, really at a loss as to why Vilde had done that if she felt so strongly about it. She sighed, pausing to finally look at Even, and her lips pursed as she sighed once again. Her expression turned soft then, like she was unable to stay mad at him, “faen, Even. I saved you because of that stupid smile you get on your face when you talk about him. That stupid ridiculous smile that I know all too well.”

Even ducked his head, feeling the smile she was talking about threatening to appear. “But,” She said, sounding rather stern again, “I told you to talk to him, and I swear, you better do or else I will kill you. This better not have been for nothing.”

And Even knew, he knew because it was the last step of his plan after all, but he still felt something holding him back somehow, “do you think he knew it was me? Do you think I’ve really got a shot at this? I just- I can’t see him liking me at all, he’s way too good for me?”

The look Vilde gave him made Even feel like he was a kid getting scolded by his mother. He took the tiniest step backwards, but Vilde wouldn’t let him get far. She got even more up in his space and whispered, no- more like hissed, “now, you listen to me you fucking blind idiot. Your boy was standing here by himself before you came and dared to ask us if you were coming or not. Your boy is single and has his eyes on you every moment you are not looking his way instead. This shit is mutual and don’t you dare ruin it.”

Even was speechless, hearing Vilde talk to him that way. She was never anything but sweet, she had never raised her voice around him, always taking his feelings into account. But not with this, not with Isak. She was bossy and it was exactly what Even needed right now. And so he swallowed and looked at her, still feeling somewhat disbelieving of what she was saying, “do you really think so?”

Vilde looked rather exasperated as she looked at him again, the annoyance still clear for him to see, but she tried to let it slip away. She tried to soften her expression and she smiled, if only a little, as she nodded, “I’m sure, just- just fucking deal with it already, alright?”

Even wanted to say more, wanted to maybe thank her or tell her he would, but he noticed someone coming up to them right at that moment. Vilde didn’t, though, and so Even cleared his throat in an attempt to get her attention, but she still didn’t get it. fuck.

As Even turned his head to look at Isak he realised it had been a while since they had been this close, or at least this close where Isak had been aware of it too, where Even could actually look into his eyes. It made him forgot about Vilde for a moment, but his best friend was opening her mouth again, assuming Even wasn’t reassured enough yet, “I know he-“ and Even just blurted out a way too serious sounding, “Isak.”

“Hi,” Isak started, sounding rather uncomfortable, “great game that was, I feel like a real painting now.” He was smiling though, and he looked beautiful. Even was once again bewildered by his beauty, feeling how for a moment he couldn’t breathe because of it, and want coiled low in his abdomen. God, did he want him.

“Glad you didn’t mind it. Do you like the new hair? I think it looks quite good on you,” Even replied, smiling as he took in Isak’s new hair. It wasn’t much different from the old haircut, but he looked slightly younger, slightly curlier. Even loved it. Isak nodded at his comment, “I do.”

A silence fell between them in which Isak’s tongue darted out, wetting his lower lip, and Even found himself staring at it. The way Isak softly bit his lower lip as his tongue disappeared again was breaking something inside of him and Even was scared this night would leave him more unhinged than he would like to. “So now what? When do we start?” Isak asked, and his voice- there was something there in his voice, and as Even tried to get his thoughts straight, Vilde laughed.

He knew why she was laughing. He was probably very entertaining to watch right now, or maybe they both were. Even wasn’t sure of that. She was laughing though, laughing and crossing her arms and cocking her eyebrow at Even as if to say ‘I told you so’. But Even ignored her, would have flipped her off if it weren’t for Isak standing there, and he said, “not now. Now we celebrate our newest members.”

Isak nodded, looking like he wasn’t sure what to talk about now, and Even felt scared that if he’d open his mouth now he’d be blurting out three very dangerous words, and so he kept his lips shut even though Vilde was clearly waiting for him to do what she had told him to. She was waiting for him to do what he had said he would do. A normal conversation. They had been doing so well, but now it was awkward.

Vilde made a sound that was clearly her sighing as loudly as she possible could and she threw up her hands, “I’ll go get us a drink. Beer?” and Isak and Even hummed at the same time. He was glad for the distraction, or so he thought. It wasn’t until Vilde had actually left that he realised they were alone now, and that wasn’t exactly better than having Vilde there. Oh god, Even usually wasn’t this speechless and awkward, but this was Isak. His Isak. So of course he was.

“Well,” Isak said, moving back and forth a little, “I just-“ he trailed off. And Even had a bad feeling that this was Isak looking for an excuse to leave him by himself and Even couldn’t let that happen, he really couldn’t let that happen. Fuck, act you idiot. Remember the plan. Have a normal conversation, just the two of them, smoking together. Shit, he had forgot about smoking.

That was it. That was what could save him now: smoking. He interrupted Isak in the middle of his sentence, “come with me, I want to have a smoke.” He didn’t leave any space to argue, just started walking and expecting Isak to follow. And Isak did, of course he did. Whether that was because this had potential or because Even was the leader of this club didn’t matter at this point. But Even had to make sure that by the end of the night he knew which of those was the truth.

On his way out they came across Vilde, who was just on her way back to them with drinks in her hands. She saw Even first and her mouth dropped open in shock as she saw him stomping to the door. Until she saw Isak was right behind him. “Hey, where are you-,” She asked as Even stopped in front of her. He sent her a small smile to calm her down, assuring her everything was okay, and he took their beers from her hands, “outside. Just for a smoke.”

Just for a smoke… if only Isak knew that this was all part of a bigger plan. If only knew just how nervous Even was to go out for just a smoke. If only. Maybe.

 

\---

_8|_

_As he closed his eyes again all he could see was Isak. Isak, Isak, Isak, right there, in different places at different times, making Even’s heart do strange things in his chest. Passionate kisses, cuddling, soft kisses, hand holding. Fuck, he was remembering every romantic thing that could make the butterflies in his stomach go a little more insane. All he wanted was to kiss Isak again._

_He reached for his phone, pressing buttons until he had opened a new text and Isak’s name was at the top. He had Isak’s number in his phone, he had put it in there the day he had gotten Isak’s letter. He had been too weak not to do it, and now maybe he finally got to use it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that in 1,5 hours (10pm CET+1) I will be doing another honesty hour on my tumblr. You can ask me any questions there: cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/ask  
> In other news I have the house to myself for 3 freaking weeks which means.... UNDISTURBED WRITING!!!!!  
> Also this was a long chapter. almost 7k, and the one on Wednesday will be 6,5k so whee!!


	9. 8| Mellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Botanisk Hage?” Isak asked when Even finally braked and waited for Isak to get off the bike a final time. They had needed to stop another time after the store due to Isak getting cramp, and as his crush got up with shaky legs he kind of looked like his ass was now made of wood. Even felt the same as he got off the saddle. Maybe taking his bike had been the fastest way there, but also the most painful way. “Yes,” He replied.

 

**8| Mellow**

 

 

_“It took kissing you for me to come to terms with myself. I guess it’s kind of thanks to you that I can honestly say I like guys now.” Oh Isak, beautiful Isak. How you had worked so hard to get those words out. How you killed me with the confession. You made me trip and fall once again, even harder than before. Oh Isak, I just want to get lost in you. Please, let me get lost in you._

When Even woke up with the sun warming his face through the window, it felt like he was waking up from a pleasant dream. He felt quite rested, having slept a solid eight hours, which was pretty much a miracle for him. He never got eight hours of sleep unless he had a depressive episode, which clearly wasn't the case right now, so yeah, a miracle.

It had taken him a while to wind down the night before, after all he had been through, and it had been around two in the morning when he had finally turned off his lights and went to sleep. From that moment on he had slipped into a deep slumber, sleeping through the night to wake up now. So when he checked his alarm and saw it was just past ten in the morning, he was a tad surprised.

As Even lay there, he thought back to the night before, remembering bits and pieces as his foggy, sleep-hazy mind was taking him back there. Back to Isak. It made his lips tingle, his heart jumping around in his chest, and with every passing second Even was remembering more and more.

He brought up his hand to his arm and pinched himself, just to make sure, and he couldn't help but smile as it hurt his skin. Then he threw one arm over his face, shielding his eyes from the sun, and let the grin that had threatened to escape spread over his face.

Fuck. It was real. He had a date with Isak. He had a fucking date with Isak fucking Valtersen. Isak Valtersen, who was his crush and his neighbour.

 _“you’re my_ neighbour _?” “yup, the one and only bitching asshole that slams your door and leaves you angry notes. That’s me.” Oh Isak, if only you knew how wrong you were. If only you knew that at times, you bitching and leaving angry notes was the only normal bit of contact I had. If only you knew what caused me to be an asshole in first place._

And then the absurdity of the previous night came back to him all at once. It had been cute seeing how much Isak had worried about that, about the fact that they were neighbours. As if Even would like him any less for his grumpy comments and his late night knocking. As if Even wasn't aware of how much of an asshole he could be. He knew, alright, he knew very well.

His most recent episode had kept him on a high for quite a while, wanting to dance to loud music while getting drunk or high, or both, and there had been plenty of fucking around. He had been that type of student that everyone would hate to have in their building, and so he got it. He didn't take it personally.

But Isak had been worried about how his behaviour could make Even lose interest, and in all fairness, Isak didn't know anything about Even's mental health issues so that made sense, in a way. But what didn’t make sense was how Isak had worried about Even leaving him for that, when truly it should have been the other way around. It should have been Even that had to be worried. He had been the asshole after all, not Isak, and Isak could have told him ‘fuck that shit. I hate you, I’m cancelling our date’. But he hadn’t. 

Oh what a night it had been. The stress of the initiation, of which Even honestly didn't remember anything but that moment with his crush, nothing but their private conversation behind the building and then the kisses… The kisses. God, Isak had such nice lips and he was so soft and Even kind of longed to kiss him again. And again, and again.

_“I’ve kissed you before, I just knew it was you,” Oh Isak, I thank god. I thank a god I no longer believe in just for creating you. For bringing you into my life and stealing my heart the way you do. I thank god for your lips so sweet, for your tongue so sinful, but most of all I thank him for your heart. For filling you with virtue, with empathy and kindness, with love beyond compare._

As Even closed his eyes he could feel it all again. He could see Isak’s face as he held it in his hands, could see his lashes against his cheeks and the twigs in his hair from where they had fallen down. He had looked so ethereal, so out of this world, that for a moment Even had been sure that the boy wasn’t real. He couldn’t be.

Turning over, he reached for his phone from the nightstand, and as the screen lit up the first things he was the stream of text notifications. Vilde, Vilde, Vilde. There had been a ton of texts from her alone, of course, and Even felt stupid for the fact that he was actually surprised. He rolled onto his back again and fluffed up his pillow first, before he opened them.

There were a few more after that where she was begging Even to call her as soon as he saw these, but instead of doing that he sent out a simple ‘I’m alive’ before he closed the texts. He wasn’t in the mood to explain right now. He didn’t want to talk about it just yet, he only wanted to think.

As he closed his eyes again all he could see was Isak. Isak, Isak, Isak, rght there, in different places at different times, making Even’s heart do strange things in his chest. Passionate kisses, cuddling, soft kisses, hand holding. Fuck, he was remembering every romantic thing that could make the butterflies in his stomach go a little more insane. All he wanted was to kiss Isak again.

He reached for his phone, pressing buttons until he had opened a new text and Isak’s name was at the top. He had Isak’s number in his phone, he had put it in there the day he had gotten Isak’s letter. He had been too weak not to do it, and now maybe he finally got to use it.

Even stared at the cursor that blinked at him, stared at the empty screen, stared at the letters he could press to form sentences. He stared so long that the screen turned black again, and for another moment he thought it through, thought about Isak turning him down, but that seemed so unlikely now that he unlocked his phone again and did it. He sent his first ever text to Isak.

To his surprise, Isak was quick to respond, showing Even that he was awake already and that thought made Even strain his ears to see if he could hear anything in the room next to his. He couldn’t. Maybe Isak was still in bed, just like him.

Isak’s ‘just you…’ left Even with his heart slamming against his ribs, begging to jump out of his chest, and Even brought down his free hand over it to keep himself in check while his other hand wrote a reply.

He knew he was asking questions that he should know the answer to, and he did know the answer, but he just wanted Isak to confirm it once more. He wanted Isak to tell him that yes, all of that had happened, and he didn’t regret it either. Just to make sure.

And Isak did.

Even was smiling at their banter, had to hide his face in his pillow for a moment before he could even think of anything to reply with. God, he just wanted to see him. He wanted to see if Isak was smiling now too, if he was feeling the exact same sparks exploding throughout his body as Even did. He just wanted to see him, hold him, kiss him. And so he sent another text.

He was holding his breath now, noticing how Isak’s next reply didn’t come as quickly as the other texts had done. Was he thinking about it? Could he be thinking about turning down Even’s offer? Fuck, this was what Even hated about the whole pre-relationship thing. Once things were official he could also officially let go of any doubts in his mind, but he couldn’t do that with Isak, not yet. They weren’t anything official yet.

And then finally Isak put him out of his misery and that was that.

 

 

 

\---

When Even picked Isak up at 12 o’clock on the dot, his backpack filled with a blanket and some food and drinks, he realised he hadn’t been prepared enough to see Isak. Not prepared enough at all. He found himself at Isak’s door with sweaty palms feeling like he had left his heart somewhere back in his own room. Was it too late to cancel?

Even shook his head at himself, realising how ridiculous this was. They had kissed so often the night before that he had lost count, they had a date planned… Isak wanted this too. An hour ago he had been counting seconds, hoping it would speed up the clock so it would be twelve sooner. Nerves shouldn’t hold him back from seeing his crush. So no, no going back.

He dropped his raised fist twice before he finally found the courage to knock, it was soft and if Isak wasn’t listening he could easily not hear it, but he had knocked. And then all he could do was wait. He hated waiting, he hated it with a burning passion, but now he was stuck between hating it and hoping he could wait forever.

Forever lasted seven seconds. It only took seven seconds before Isak got to the door, Even had been counting in his head to prevent himself from walking away, and that should say something about this. That should say that Isak had been waiting for him, but Even found it hard to think about much of anything when the door swung open and Isak appeared.

Even felt his heart all but stop, it was acting like a dying fangirl that finally got to see their idol. It was stupid and Even wished he could snap out of it, but Isak had unintentionally decided that he was going to steal Even’s breath today. Honestly, it was illegal for anyone to look so beautiful with droopy eyes and half-parted lips, looking like they had only just woken up.

Isak was wearing a soft white hoodie with the hood up over his head, silky golden tuffs of hair popping out from underneath it. The colour of the hoodie made his face look softer than ever before and Even was burning to trail his fingers across his jaw, to feel the fluttering of his eyelashes against his fingertips. If Even would have felt more confident he would have pushed Isak inside and they would have spent the afternoon in bed together instead.

Even wondered if it would ever stop, that feeling he got when he laid his eyes on Isak, if it would ever disappear. He hoped it wouldn’t, because he wanted to hold on to this feeling forever. If only he could make Isak smile at him like that forever, Even would die a happy man. And- woah hold on.  That thought should not be there yet. That thought should scare him. But as Isak dropped his gaze to the floor and he let his tongue dart out to lick his lips, Even swallowed hard and resisted the urge to kiss him. That thought didn’t scare him at all.

“Hei,” He finally said, letting his eyes roam over Isak’s body now. His crush was wearing a dark shirt underneath his hoodie, the zipper half down and the black pants he was wearing were tight but fit him well. He looked comfortable and Even would love to cuddle with him, that would be perfect right now. But he had plans, they had plans, and so he smiled, “are you ready?”

Isak nodded rather casually and he stepped outside, closing the door behind him. Even stared at his back as his crush locked his door and put away the key, “so, where exactly are we going? There are multiple parks in Oslo,” he asked Even as he stuck his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. He was just as nervous as Even was, that much was clear. It somehow made it easier for Even to do this.

“Well, you’ll see. We have to stop somewhere on our way there, but don’t worry. I’ll get us there,” Even turned around and beckoned Isak to follow. They went down the stairs in silence, something that could feel so easy between them. Usually Even felt the need to talk constantly, to make the other feel at ease, but with Isak he already felt that way. They were just there, together.

When Even opened the door of the building and they stepped out together, Isak looked up in surprise when he noticed Even wasn’t walking straight ahead, to where the bus stop was, but that he went right and followed the side of the building. “Wait- what- where are you going?” he asked, quickly rushing after Even, who only held up the key he had gotten out of his pocket, “I have a bike.”

When he turned back to Isak, walking backwards for a moment, he could see the way Isak was staring at him with wide eyes, almost as if he had seen a ghost. “What?” Even asked as he arrived at the bike racks and spotted his bike. Isak lingered another moment as Even made his way over to his bike to unlock it.

“You- you expect me to sit on the back of that for god knows how long?” Isak asked, his voice a pitch higher as he asked the question, which made Even smile. He rolled back his bike and swung up his leg over it so he could make himself comfortable on the saddle. “Twenty minutes, with a short break in between, we’ll be there before you know it. Besides, I’m used to having someone on the back,” Even assured him, but Isak didn’t really look that confident.

With a half-grin Even tipped his head to the side and he threw out a joking, “you can even wrap your arms around me, I won’t mind.” Isak huffed at that and he rolled his eyes dramatically. If it was meant to look tough, well, he failed, because it only made him look cute, “you joke about that now, but that is truly the only way I will not fall, so be prepared to have the circulation in your lower body be completely cut off."

Even loved the way Isak replied to him, the fact that he didn’t shy away from Even’s humour. He loved how although Isak clearly hated it already, he still walked up to Even and his bike. “That’s okay,” Even whispered when Isak was close enough, and he quickly turned his backpack so he could carry it in front of his body, giving Isak more space in the back, “can you jump? It will be a lot easier.”

Isak nodded and waited for Even to be ready before he placed his hands on Even’s waist and waited for the bike to start moving. It caught Even off guard, although he should have seen it coming, feeling Isak’s hands on him. Soon it would be his arms around him. Shit, shit he just had to stop thinking about it now before he would never be able to get his bike moving.

Finally he snapped out of it, putting his foot on the pedal and then the bike was moving. Even brought up his other foot on the other pedal and he felt how Isak was starting to run along with him, helping him create more speed. Isak took a few big strides, hands tightening on Even’s waist, and then he jumped. He jumped and Even swerved as his crush landed on the back of his back, but he kept riding.

Isak let out a tiny shriek as he tried to get himself in a more comfortable position, and then his hands were wrapping around Even’s hips and he held on for dear life. It took a minute, but then they were doing fine, both having found a way to make this work, and although it wasn’t easy riding a bike with someone on the back – Even may have lied when he said that he was used to this – it was worth it with Isak. His legs would probably be sore in the morning from how heavy the pedalling was, but all was worth it.

Even tried to strategically pick a store about halfway through so Isak could give Even’s legs and waist a rest, but that seemed a little harder than predicted, so in the end they were almost there when he finally stopped. “Alright, I didn’t have a lot in my room so I’m going to have to buy something. Anything you feel like having for lunch?” Even asked as he put away his bike.

Isak was stretching, clearly feeling the strain of being on the back of the bike, but he didn’t look as annoyed by it as Even had expected. His crush hummed, staring at the entrance of the store and then he exclaimed, eyes lighting up, “skolebrød! I haven’t had that in a while. Yeah, we should totally bring skolebrød.”

Even couldn’t help but laugh at his childish excitement and so he returned Isak’s smile, “okay then. Skolebrød it is.”

\---

“Botanisk Hage?” Isak asked when Even finally braked and waited for Isak to get off the bike a final time. They had needed to stop another time after the store due to Isak getting cramp, and as his crush got up with shaky legs he kind of looked like his ass was now made of wood. Even felt the same as he got off the saddle. Maybe taking his bike had been the fastest way there, but also the most painful way. “Yes,” He replied as he parked his bike and transferred his backpack from his chest to his back again.

“I don’t come here often enough,” Isak admitted while he started walking, and Even followed him. They picked a path together without discussing it, both of them just silently agreeing on the same thing. Even wished he could hold Isak’s hand now, but they hadn’t really talked about that, about what they were. Besides, as far as Even knew, Isak was still in the closer and so he didn’t want to complicate things.

“It’s really beautiful,” Even agreed, “I sometimes come here to clear my head. There’s always a ton of people here, but most are tourists and they don’t know me.” The words had slipped out before he had realised it, but Isak wasn’t making a big deal out of it. The boy nodded and said, “I bet it can get quite overwhelming yeah, being so popular.” There was no irritation in his voice, but still Even felt bad about him saying it. Why did everyone have to think of him that way?

“You make me sound kind of awful, like that popular guy. I hope that isn’t what you really think,” Even was only half joking, but Isak immediately started apologising, “oh no!” He looked a little flushed, his cheeks turning red as he held up his hands, “that’s not what I- I just- you have such a large group of people that admire you and like, that’s why I said popular.”

Even brought up his hand while Isak was talking and he softly squeezed his upper arm as the boy stuttered, “hey, I know. It’s fine.” Even was trying to let it slip and Isak smiled at him, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Even decided not to comment on it any further and to just keep an eye out for his favourite hidden spots instead.

His favourite low hanging three had an empty spot beneath it and so Even reached over, tugged Isak with him by the sleeve of his hoodie and he set off across the grass. Isak followed without asking any questions, realising soon enough what Even was heading towards. Once they got there his crush flopped down on the ground, but Even quickly opened his backpack and got out the blanket, which he threw at Isak.

“I brought everything we need for a great lunch,” he started explaining as he got out two tall champagne glasses, the only fancy glasses he had been able to find in his room. Isak stared at him from the grass, blinking about a hundred times before he realised what was going on, “wait, what? You brought-“

Even got down on his knees and put the glasses on the grass, “I brought lunch,” he repeated, getting out two bottles of juice next: orange juice and some sort of mixed fruits juice. Isak was still frozen, the blanket in one hand, and Even paused for a moment to raise an eyebrow at him, “well are you going to help me or not? It would be nice to actually sit on the blanket that I brought especially for this occasion.”

Isak stared at the thing in his hand and then shook his head to get himself to snap out of it. Slowly he sat up on his knees too and he began to unfold the blanket, “Jesus, Even. I thought you would just bring something simple, not this whole- this whole picnic thing. Are you always this extra?” Isak appeared to be laughing, though, which Even took as a good sign.  

Even couldn’t help but laugh with him and as he got out the bread rolls he had packed he raised his eyebrows, “you find _this_ extra? I could have found an actual basket to put all the food in. The blanket isn’t even a checkered one, so this is not as extra as it could have been.” Isak was staring at him with this incredulous face and Even stared right back, couldn’t help but admire him. “You’re insane,” Isak shook his head in response.

They settled then, finally completely unfolding the blanket and flopping down on it. Even handed Isak a glass and poured the both of them some orange juice before he folded his legs beneath him, “to us, no longer two shy idiots,” he cheered, and there it was again, that face Isak pulled whenever he couldn’t believe what Even was saying or doing. But he still raised his glass against Even’s to toast.

After their toast Even set out the food he had brought, spreading it on the blanket around them. There were bread rolls, the skolebrød he had just bought along with some warm chicken wings and a homemade potato salad. His mother’s recipe. Instead of going for the chicken wings he watched Isak dip a piece of his bread roll into the salad, scooping some on, and Even couldn’t believe Isak was eating it like that. He had never seen anyone eat it like that.

But Even didn’t have time to comment on it, for Isak was moaning with his mouth closed, his eyes fluttering shut, “oh, that salad is good. Did you buy it?” And suddenly Even felt his throat close up a little, found himself unable to speak. It were these little moments in which it hit him how his mom was gone forever. Just the mention of it being her recipe was enough to make him feel close to tears again.

He saw how Isak opened his eyes, waiting for an answer, and Even shook his head and tried to get the lump in his throat to go. “No,” he eventually brought out, “I made it myself. It-“ he paused again, realising how hard it was to actually say the words, “it’s my mom’s recipe.” There. The words were out anyway. He had managed, he had been able to say it without crying, that was a great step. But Isak didn’t realise how big of a thing it was for Even, because he carelessly threw out a, “oh. Tell her it is the best potato salad I’ve had.”

And that. Even was sure he would never actually get used to that, to people saying something that should be so normal, but to him it wasn’t any longer. He turned his head away, forcing himself to take in everything around him. There was a path further away where a family of four was playing with their dog. There were two women running, their ponytails moving from left to right. People were living, the world was turning, but Even had stopped for a moment. Because to him this was a reminder of how his life was so different now, and it was funny how Isak had just assumed that his mom was alive. That showed that losing her had not been a normal thing.

Yet he didn’t want to tell Isak about this. He didn’t want Isak to pity him and act any differently. Not now, not when they hadn’t even had their first date yet. And he knew what his story would do to them. It would make Isak feel sorry for him and maybe instead of dating him for who he was Isak could end up dating him because he was scared of breaking his heart a little more. And Even just really didn’t want to doubt Isak’s reasons for hanging out with him.

“Yeah, I will,” He eventually whispered, and Isak could tell the mood had shifted. They ate in silence after that, with Isak only occasionally mentioning how that woman over there was wearing a see through shirt, and how that boy with the skateboard had put his elbow pads on his knees. It was a sweet attempt at giving Even some time, and he wondered if Isak knew that something had touched him.

Once Even had finished his drink he put away his glass and took a bread roll himself before he lay back. Half of his view consisted of the tree branches they were lying under, but he could see the sky as well. It wasn’t too cloudy, but there were enough clouds to keep the sun from getting too hot. It took a minute before Isak joined him, but then they were both laying on their backs, staring up at the sky together, and Even moved his hand far enough to let his pinkie rest against Isak’s pinkie. No one would be able to see.

“What do you see?” He asked, out of the blue, as he kept his eyes on one particularly round cloud, “when you look at the sky, what do you see?” Isak was quiet for a moment, taking the time to think this through. Even took in the other clouds, tried to see for himself which shapes the air was giving them and he could hear Isak sniff, could feel his hand twitch against Even’s before he spoke, “I see… a bird. Not literally, but that cloud over there,” Isak brought up a hand to point at a cloud that did sort of look like a bird, “it just broke free and is opening its wings for the first time. I guess it’s trying to see whether it can fly.”

Somehow Even felt like Isak was using it as a metaphor. He could have just called it a bird and be done with it, but the whole analysis made it feel an awful lot like Isak was talking about himself. Opening his wings; coming out. Seeing whether it can fly; Even. So when Isak asked him, “what about you?” he had to be strategic about it too.

He returned his gaze to the round cloud that was now drifting further away from them and without thinking too much about it he pointed at it, “I see a heart.” Isak turned his head, inching a little closer to Even as he moved to look at the cloud too. “It’s kind of a weirdly shaped heart right now, but that’s okay because hearts are usually not perfect. They have scars and wounds, and maybe a few pieces are missing here and there, but they are beating. Most, anyway.”

Isak only hummed to confirm he had heard his words, but Even could feel him flip over his hand and a second later he was pushing at Even’s pinkie with his own, getting it to lift, and when Even budged he wriggled his own underneath it so their pinkies could be connected rather than just touching. It made Even’s heart skip a beat and he really wanted to turn his head to look at him, but he fought the desire.

“Even?” Isak stammered then, “will you tell me about when you found out you weren’t just into girls?” he asked, sounding slightly insecure about it, and Even was proud of how Isak had dared to ask. It was a vulnerable question, because it could make it appear like Isak was still unsure, while Even was pretty certain that Isak really knew now. He had said it himself after all.

But Even would answer him, he would go back to that time where he had first realised he had feelings for boys too. “The first guy I had feelings for didn’t have feelings for me,” Even began his story, remembering the guy he had been pining over. “His name was Anders and he was a third year student when I transferred schools during my second year. All the girls were swooning over him, dying to get together with him. I was swooning over him, dying to get together with him.”

Even chuckled as he remembered that time, how young and carefree he had been. So different from who he was now. Back then he had thought life had been hard, with the whole changing schools thing, but it had been a piece of cake in comparison to everything that had happened to him in college. Really, if only he could go back to appreciate those times a little more. But that was too late now.

“I tried to get myself into every bus party his squad would throw, but it became pretty clear pretty soon how he was into girls and girls only. It was getting harder and harder to get myself invited. And then, during one particularly wild night I just threw myself on top of him, sat in his lap and kissed him,” Even couldn’t stop his smile from breaking free, remembering clear as day how nervous he had felt while doing that. But that night had been his first time getting drunk too, and that had helped.

Isak was listening patiently, waiting for Even to continue his story, and Even stared at the sky while his mind took him back to that night, to that moment in Anders’s lap, “and he kissed me back. It was scary and it was thrilling, but he kissed me back. Tongue and all. I couldn’t fucking believe it. And it was as good as I had imagined it to be. I just wanted to keep kissing him forever and ever, but then he realised that I was actually a guy and he pulled away.”

The rejection hadn’t hit as hard that night because both Even and Anders had been drunk enough for it not to get too serious, but Anders had just said, ‘look man, I don’t swing that way’ and Even had shrugged and said, ‘it was just a dare’ and that had been that. The end of his first ever crush. “But although it didn’t turn into anything, I realised that kissing guys to me felt just as natural as kissing girls. And I kind of just accepted that I wasn’t exclusively interested in girls.”

Even finally turned his head to look at Isak, seeing how the boy was pursing his lips and frowning up at the sky. He looked kind of lost in thought, still as beautiful with that white hood to frame his face, but now with a frown to adorn his forehead. There was something so pure about him that all Even could compare him to was an angel, but that would truly be too much to say out loud.

Now Even had shared his story he guessed it was alright to ask an answer in return, “what was the first sing that made you doubt? I mean, you told me that I was pretty convincing at getting you to come to the realisation that you like boys,” he lowered his voice, “or should I say my lips were pretty convincing?” and Isak snorted, rolled his head to the side so his forehead was touching Even’s shoulder. “But,” Even continued, “you never told me what made you consider the fact that you could possibly be into guys in the first place.”

“Oh god,” Isak groaned quietly, his head still pressed to Even’s shoulder, and Even liked it there, liked the warmth that spread through his body. “It was Jonas,” Isak mumbled, adding to that when he realised that wasn’t much information to Even, “my best friend since kindergarten Jonas.” Isak was clearly ashamed of it or, well, embarrassed. “Can’t believe how stupid that sounds,” he remarked, “falling for your best friend, it’s such a cliché.”

Even cocked an eyebrow and he squeezed his hand so Isak could feel him do it through his pinkie, “doesn’t matter. It happens to the best of us. So Jonas was his name? What was he like? How did you notice?” he asked, turning his head so he could look at the top of Isak’s head. Most of his hair was still hidden by the hood of his sweatshirt, but Even could see his forehead and his eyes, which was all he wanted to look at, to be honest.

Isak’s eyes were open and he was staring past Even at the sky, blinking from time to time. He had to make sure that he wouldn’t lose himself in his thoughts too much, thinking about how beautiful his crush was, for Isak had started talking again, “he has these dark brown chocolaty curls along with a very sweet smile. He used to be such a soft person, before we went to college. He helped me through a lot of stuff during my teenage years so.”

Isak turned onto his back again and this time it was Even who turned his face so he could look at Isak’s profile. “I thought it was just admiration,” Isak explained, “at first. I thought he was like the brother I never had, but then I found myself watching porn one day and realising that when I tried to imagine having sex with someone, all I could think of was Jonas. I don’t think I truly accepted I was crushing on him until I was sure it wasn’t just a phase. That it wasn’t just with Jonas.”

“What happened after Jonas then?” Even asked very innocently, watching Isak blink at the sky, watchinh him settle his gaze on the tree branches above them. Isak was rather quiet, almost as if he hadn’t heard Even’s question. He did nothing to acknowledge Even, which was why was rather surprised when Isak blurted out, “then I noticed you.”

And maybe Even should have known, he could have known because Isak had told him how he had never kissed a guy before. He had told him he was unsure of it still, but Even hadn’t really thought of how it had been likely that it meant that Isak hadn’t had countless crushes the way Even had had. But the fact that he was Isak’s second crush, really, Isak had just confirmed that much, left him speechless.

He pushed himself up on his elbows and turned in such a way that he could look down at Isak’s face. The boy was staring up at him with this completely open and trusting expression, and Even couldn’t hold back. He couldn’t stop himself from following his heart with this, so he let himself lean down and press their lips together.

The kiss wasn’t as soft as he had wanted it to be, and to be fair it took Isak a moment before he got over the shock of it, but then he was kissing him back. Even was almost positive that Isak had been thinking about the chances of getting caught here, but Even had picked this spot on purpose. It would be very unlikely for anyone to recognize them from that far away, and they had the tree for extra cover. So Isak returned the kiss, pliantly parting his lips for Even, and Even’s head was spinning.

When Even broke apart, needing to breathe, he pressed a few more tiny kisses to Isak’s lips, “god, I can’t wait to take you out, have I said that already? I’m so happy you said yes.” “You have now,” Isak stared up at Even with his beautiful green eyes, his lower lip jutting out, and the second Even realised what Isak was asking for, the boy was already dragging him down impatiently. He had brought up his hand to Even’s neck and was tugging him in for more kisses, which was all fine to Even.

“You taste like skolebrød,” Even chuckled brightly against Isak’s lips and he let his nose graze Isak’s jawline as he inhaled, giving his lungs some time to breathe. Isak’s lips tasted as sweet as the custard on them, and Even liked that taste on Isak.

He felt Isak’s hand curling into his hair as he held on, and Even kind of thought he had died and gone to heaven. Had Isak been a real angel coming to get him? Even wasn’t sure of anything but the fact was that whatever it was, he wanted more of it.

 

 

\---

 

_9| prepared_

 

_Once his stop came around he dragged the heavy bags out of the bus and watched it take off again before he started down the street towards the building. He was shuffling, his hands hurting from the ropes of the bags, and he laughed at himself as he shook his head, “can’t believe I’m doing all of this for a freaking guy.” But he could, he could believe it. Because Isak was something. Isak was worth these blisters and the fucking ache in his lower back from walking hunched over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed fluff, did you need fluff too? White hoodie Isak is my favourite soft!Isak and I wish we had seen that hoodie return some other season, so instead I decided to bring it back.  
> Anyway, guess what's next... it's date week people!!  
> Lots of love to all of you <333 you brighten my day the way Isak brightens Even's :----)


	10. 9| Prepared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once his stop came around he dragged the heavy bags out of the bus and watched it take off again before he started down the street towards the building. He was shuffling, his hands hurting from the ropes of the bags, and he laughed at himself as he shook his head, “can’t believe I’m doing all of this for a freaking guy.” But he could, he could believe it. Because Isak was something. Isak was worth these blisters and the fucking ache in his lower back from walking hunched over.

  ****

**9| Prepared**

 

 

 

If there was one thing Even had learned from his pre-date with Isak at the park was that for their real date he wanted to take Isak somewhere private. That afternoon where they had laid underneath that tree for over four hours, talking bullshit and stealing kisses, Isak had been so open about himself. Any question Even asked he had answered, spending over a full minute giving him detailed explanations of his life, his beliefs and his interests. Even had thought it was beautiful, the way he felt comfortable enough to be like that around him. But he hadn’t been able to do the same.

Even had been quieter, asking questions rather than answering them and sometimes adding on to what Isak had said, agreeing with him or not. It had been rather superficial on his side, which probably made it hard for Isak to get to know him, so he felt like Isak deserved something similar as Even had gotten that day at the park. Isak deserved to see who he was, who he really was, because Even was starting to like this boy way too much and if it wasn’t going to be anything serious it would be best if this were to end soon.

Which was why he found himself on the 215 to Sandvika with two bags filled with necessities between his legs, his foot bouncing nervously as he kept weighing the pros and cons of taking Isak to his hiding spot. The pros were that Isak would know instantly that Even had a rough past, which could make him understand some of Even’s behaviour. He would know Even was into art, thanks to all the paintings of course, and it could be romantic with the candles and the fact that they would be all by themselves. The cons were that Even would have to talk about things that were very personal, things he never really shared, and if Isak were to peak in their way there he could tell everyone about Even’s safe haven.

Every time though, the pros outweighed the cons, or well they didn’t, but Even told himself so. They didn’t outweigh the cons, but Even made them, because he knew that to get anywhere at all with Isak, he’d have to open up eventually. You couldn’t be in a relationship without talking, without sharing your life with someone. Especially not in the long run.

And maybe Even wasn’t completely being fair to Isak either, because Isak may just surprise him. Not everyone was the way Even expected them to be, and Isak had surprised him before. The night of their first kiss Even had been sure Isak would leave him when he couldn’t go through with things, but Isak had stayed. Maybe he should give the boy the credit he clearly deserved. And all of that had led Even to buy new cans of paint, new brushes, extra candles and a flashlight. Because if he was doing this, it would have to be perfect.

Once his stop came around he dragged the heavy bags out of the bus and watched it take off again before he started down the street towards the building. He was shuffling, his hands hurting from the ropes of the bags, and he laughed at himself as he shook his head, “can’t believe I’m doing all of this for a freaking guy.” But he could, he could believe it. Because Isak was something. Isak was worth these blisters and the fucking ache in his lower back from walking hunched over.

Isak had thrown any caution to the wind just by kissing Even, he had gone through Even’s torturous touches during initiation with nothing but a tremor in his leg. Isak was fucking next level, he was the real deal. Too many people were shallow, too many people didn’t have the strength to be the way Isak was. Isak was passionate, a fighter, a little shy too, but that was cute. He was different than most people Even knew. He fit right into the club.

After making sure no one would be able to see him slip inside, he hurried down the path that led to the building. It was an old office of some sorts and it had been abandoned quite a while ago. He had come across it on one of the first nights after the accident on his way to college from the hospital. It had been the week of his mother’s funeral and he had sat on the bus that night feeling so rough that he couldn’t take it any longer. At some random stop he had gotten off the damn bus and he had walked and walked until he had found this.

Back then he had felt as empty and broken as this abandoned building, and he had lost his grieving heart to this place. It had been there for him when no one else could help him, had offered some peace and quiet, some place to let the pain seep through the cracks in his mask. He had spent that first night on the cold hard floor, and he had returned the day after and had marked it as his own. And it had been his ever since.

Even barely managed to get the bags over the threshold, but once they were inside it was slightly easier. He dropped both of the bags at the same time and decided to get the first unpacking done right from there. There were old candles spread around the biggest room Even had been able to find, and they needed to be replaced with the new ones that Even had bought. He couldn’t risk any of them burning out tonight. Everything had to be perfect.

So he started with that, taking the old candles, replacing them with new ones and putting the old ones back into one of the bags. It would still be heavy, but at least it would be a little lighter than before.

Next came the flashlight, which was a bit bigger and heavier than a normal flashlight, and Even put it down next to the wall in a nook where no one could easily find it if they were to come in. It hadn’t happened before, at least not that Even was aware of, but he didn’t want anything to get stolen so these were mostly precautions.

The second bag he dragged across the floor to the doorway on the other end of the room. The cans of paint clattered as the bag made a tiny drop into the hallway, but they would live. Even only had to drag the bag up a little to get it into the other room, and that was where he took a break and finally looked at his hands. They were red and raw from how heavy they had been, but they’d live too.

Even started unpacking the cans of paint and took them to the board in the floor that was loose. As he got down to his knees, taking one of the paintbrushes that was lying nearby, he set the cans aside next to him. The brush helped him crick up the floorboard and it revealed the already opened cans that were hidden underneath. Even had run out of some colours, and he wanted to make sure he would have enough for Isak. Just in case.

He left out the blue and red cans and put away the others so he could get them out at a later time if he needed to. He dropped a handful of paint brushes in there too, only leaving out three of them with the blue and green paint. They probably wouldn’t need much more tonight, but maybe at a later time. Then he put the floorboard back in place and sat back on the ground to take a breather.

There was so much to do still, so much to arrange before he could go pick up Isak. He needed to run past the O.V.A storage to pick up one of the blindfolds, he had to shave and get dressed, buy some snacks for the date. And it was getting late already, he should get a move on, and so he pushed himself up despite his hurt hands and tired feet. They’d be fine once everything was arranged. Even would be fine once everything was ready.

Instead of making his hands worse by dragging the now almost empty bags with him, he set them in a corner and decided he’d pick them up some other time. He had to rush now, knowing a bus would come past pretty soon, and it would be another twenty minutes before he’d be back at the university. Then he’d have to take his bike and go over to the storage, make another stop at the store and then rush back to his room.

Even couldn’t believe he was doing all of this for a freaking guy.

\---

By the time Even returned to his room it was just past six o’clock and he had everything ready and packed. In his backpack were the blanket from their date and some snacks and drinks too. The candles and paint were there already, waiting for them to arrive. Now all that was left was for Even to get physically and mentally ready for the actual date. These were the final preparations, the final hour before the date, and they were making him realise how this was reality. He was taking Isak out on an actual _date_ tonight. Not the casual get together from the park, but a date.

As he tried to supress his panic he threw some ramen noodles into hot water so that he’d at least eat something while he got dressed. It cooked while he stood in front of his closet, deciding what to wear for the ocassion. Usually Even didn’t really care about he wore, he just picked clothes based on what made him happy or reflected his mood, but tonight was different. Tonight he wanted to look his best, like he had put effort into it. Which was why he decided not to go for any of his stupid shirts with the prints, but something simpler and a little classier.

He picked out a white t-shirt and his favourite hoodie and put them down on his bed first, they would be the base of the outside. To those he added his favourite dark pants and a bandana, but not one of the bright ones. It was a dark grey one with white details. That would be enough. After all Isak had already agreed to a date, there was no need to grab his attention, Even only had to hold it.

Once his clothes were ready he rushed back to his kitchen while getting rid of his current t-shirt and unbuttoning his jeans. He got the noodles off the stove, took off his jeans, and put the noodles in a bowl. This was all about multi-tasking. Even wouldn’t have enough time to be chill about this.

The noodles were hot, but Even ate them quickly anyway, needing to get on with it. But it still wasn’t fast enough, which was why he took the bowl with him to the bathroom and alternated between washing his face and eating, putting on shaving cream and eating, letting the razor drag over his skin and eating. It was a bit messy and Even was sure he could taste shaving cream on more than one occasion, but he just didn’t have the time to do things separately. He’d have to pick Isak up around half past seven, which meant he only had forty minutes left.

Even cut himself once, probably due to his nerves because that never happened, and he saw a bit of blood mixing with some left over shaving cream. Some noodles spilled over his hand as he hurriedly set down the bowl, but he did nothing but wince slightly before he opened his mirror cupboard. His eyes skimmed the contents and he easily found the cotton swabs, getting out one that he could press against his skin to make it stop the bleeding. It wasn’t too bad of a cut, nothing Isak would notice, and it kind of made Even wish he wouldn’t have gotten out a cotton swab to deal with it, because now he was facing the inside of his cupboard.

Once the bleeding had stopped Even dropped the cotton swab in the sink and picked up the bottle of pills from his cupboard. They were his medication, left untouched for months now. He hadn’t used them in a while, knowing that they wouldn’t be that much of a help anyway. Especially not now that he had so much shit going on in his life that he’d need to take a handful every day to numb the pain of it. And he was doing pretty well without them, considering the circumstances. Yet they still stood there in his cupboard, reminding him of the days where he had needed to set alarms to make sure he would take them.

His mother had been so worried about him going off to college and having to deal with the medication all by himself that she had gotten him one of those pill things that he had seen in his grandma’s nursing home. One of those boxes that had all the days of the week and then a slot for the morning, afternoon and night. So he could see if he had taken them, could take a moment every weekend to fill the slots, but it had quickly turned out to be too much to deal with.

He couldn’t just get out that thing in class and take his pills, and he had always needed a reminder for them anyway. The one thing it had really helped him with was noticing whether he had forgotten them, but that didn’t make him feel much better. More so, it had increased his anxiety, making him afraid of how bad he could get, and so he had thrown it out and gotten his own system.

With a shake of his head he closed the cupboard, now seeing his face in the mirror again, and he tried to let it go. This was supposed to be a good night, not a bad night full of memories of pills and his mother. This was his night with Isak, and Isak didn’t know about either of those things. Isak was his second chance at love, his chance at a better future, and Even couldn’t fuck it up.

He cleaned up his face and dabbed it with a towel to get it to dry. Then he finished his noodles and threw away the bloody cotton swab, and finally, he got out a blow-dryer for his hair. Now, Even knew he was vain when it came to his hair, but he just hated when it didn’t sit right. He looked all kinds of strange when his hair looked awful and so this was essential. If his hair wouldn’t sit right he would surely be late pick up Isak, and he didn’t want that, so he just had to give it his all.

Before he turned on the blow-dryer he stared at himself in the mirror and he pleaded to the gods out there. “If this date will suck, please warn me by fucking up my hair,” he told the ceiling, “but if the date will go well, let it be perfect straight away.” It was something he did from time to time, kind of like people would do with flowers, saying ‘he loves me, he loves me not’. And usually it always went well and he’d end up with what he wanted most. It would suck if tonight would be that one time where he’d be wrong.

Even hummed some tune as the blow-dryer added volume to his hair, and he used a brush to help and style it the way he liked. And it stayed. As he put in product it stayed up the way he wanted it to. It didn’t collapse in on itself, because that would leave him looking like he hadn’t showered in days, and he felt so relieved that he laughed at himself in the mirror. The date would go well then.

When he put everything away he checked his phone to tell the time and to see if Isak hadn’t sent him any messages stating that he had made up his mind, and thankfully there was nothing there. But then Even noticed how it was 19:27 and he cursed, “shit,” before he hurried out of the bathroom, having to rush back in to get his bowl of noodles.

After Even threw his empty bowl into the sink, along with the other dirty dishes, he ran over to his bed to put on his clothes. It was ridiculous, the way he jumped around trying to get himself into his pants, how careful he had to be while putting on his shirt so it wouldn’t fuck up his hair. His face would probably be as red as a tomato by the time he would get to Isak’s door.

Even stepped into his shoes, wriggling around to get them on without having to bend over, but that didn’t work. With a grown he kneeled down and fixed them, his head already thinking about everything else he’d have to do. So when he finished he went through the motions of picking up his backpack and taking the blindfold in his hands as he made his way over to the door. He snatched his keys off the table and stopped in front of his door, pausing for a moment to take a final deep breath. This was it, this was his moment, and everything was riding on this.

Despite his nerves he opened the door to his dorm and stepped out into the hallway. He locked his door the same was as always, but his movements were slower as he tried to get his heartbeat to go down some, and then he walked up to Isak’s door the same way he had done before. Yet it felt different, it felt more important. Because if tonight would suck, this might be it for them, this might be the last time Even would walk up to Isak’s door. He wasn’t hoping it would suck, but if it did, then this was it, and Even was very aware of the importance of this moment.

So when he reached Isak’s door he straightened himself. He closed his eyes for a moment and dreamed up Isak’s face as he lay on the blanket next to Even, the sun warming his face, and that picture was enough to make Even feel warm too. The smile that it caused gave him enough strength to knock on Isak’s door, forcing his loudly beating heart to turn it down a notch.

And as the door swung open to reveal his date, dressed and ready to go, looking like he had stepped right out of a fairy tale, Even brought up his hand to show him the blindfold. “Good evening, my date. Are you ready for your surprise?” Even spoke in a very fancy manner, using an accent that made Isak laugh, and the boy cocked an eyebrow as he spotted the blindfold.

Even brought it up to his face and held it in front of his own eyes, “a surprise is not a surprise if thee can see.” He smiled, hoping Isak could see it and he would agree to this, because if he wouldn’t then Even wasn’t sure what he would do. Please, please agree.

When Even dropped the blindfold from his face again, Isak had stepped outside and was so close up in his space that Even forgot how to breathe for a moment. The sly smile and the way his eyes sparkled as he grasped the blindfold from Even’s hands, they promised this to be a wonderful night. Even couldn’t wait.

\---

“That’s our ride,” Even kept his eyes on Isak’s face for a moment, just to check that the blindfold was still in place and Isak couldn’t see, before he stood up to let the driver know they wanted to get on. The bus stopped in front of them just as Even reached out for Isak’s hand to take it, and Isak got up with him. The feeling of their hands being locked still sent little shocks through his body time and time again, like there was static inside of Isak and Even couldn’t resist the feeling.

The door of the bus screeched as it opened and Even guided Isak towards it, making him stop right in front of the elevated step while Even got on to pay for them first. “Halla,” He greeted the driver while he got out his wallet, “I’m taking him to a surprise destination, so I’ll just pay for the last stop of your route. He isn’t allowed to know which stop we get off,” Even explained the whole situation, knowing it would be strange to see someone blindfolded on a bus, but the driver only laughed at him, looking really amused as he stared past Even.

“Alright boy, whatever you feel like,” The man replied, shrugging as he took Even’s money, and he handed back the change and two bus tickets that Even put away in his wallet too. Then he turned back to Isak, who was still standing in the same spot, completely still as he waited for further instructions, and Even gave them. “Give me your hands,” He ordered, and he watched as Isak held them out for Even to take. “Now a big step or else you’ll end up in the gap,” Even said next, eyes on their feet as Isak lifted his.

He lifted it so high and set it so far into the bus that Even had to take a tiny step back and Isak still managed to walk right into him. “Ho,” Isak said, the word a kind of apology, and he held on to Even’s arms as he swayed back and forth, so Even straightened him before he took a step back. He continued to hold on to Isak as he walked backwards, getting them further into the bus and into a double seat. It wasn’t until they were finally seated and Isak still appeared to have the blindfold on that Even could relax a little. They had made it this far, which made some of Even’s anxiety disappear.

There were only a handful of people on the bus and Even checked them all to see if anyone was staring, but apart from one person that looked away the moment Even’s eyes met hers, no one was paying any attention to them, which was good. “And now what?” Isak asked, “Now I just sit here with this blindfold on? Please tell me that I don’t have to wear this all night,” Isak’s voice was soft, keeping the conversation between the two of them, and Even laughed lowly.

He noticed he was still holding Isak’s hand in his, felt the way their palms were pressed together and he smiled fondly at it as his thumb moved over Isak’s knuckles. “No,” He promised, “just until we get there, and maybe on the way back. We’re going to a very secret spot, it’s pretty personal to me, I’m not sure yet if I want to share with you exactly where you can find it.” He could admit that much, because soon enough they would actually be there and Isak would see for himself. No point in lying.

Isak’s eyebrows raised slightly and Even could tell that his answer had surprised him, like maybe he hadn’t expected Even to be so honest or like he hadn’t expected that to be the reason. “Alright,” his crush replied as he took Even’s hand between his own and held it loosely, and he was smiling then. He was smiling this beautiful closed-mouthed smile that made Even want to lean in and kiss it from his lips, but he couldn’t. They were in public.

Still, it didn’t mean that Even couldn’t stare at him, didn’t mean Even had to avert his gaze from Isak’s face. But he did, he did because he felt a pair of eyes on him. It was the same girl from before, and she looked away again the moment Even looked up. He stared at her though, not wanting to give up, and soon enough she tried again. Her cheeks turned pink when she realised that Even had caught her, and for a moment she looked panicked, but then her eyes settled on Even and she stopped looking away.

It made him wonder what her deal was, if she was judging them for the blindfold or if she was blind herself and didn’t realise that Even didn’t need her flirting. He was on a date, thank you very much. But the girl wasn’t trying to convey either message. She let her eyes flit between Isak and him, and then a smile found its way onto her face. Was that fondness? Was she trying to make clear she thought- she thought they were cute together?

“How long till we get there?” Isak interrupted his thoughts, making Even turn back his attention to him, and Even laughed, a little relieved for the distraction. He made sure to keep his eyes on Isak this time, “don’t worry, it’s not an hour long trip. I think we have a few more minutes left. Maybe like five?” In reality it was a little closer to ten, but Isak wouldn’t have a sense of time with the blindfold on, “just a little longer, I promise.”

As Isak nodded, sitting back against the backrest while waiting patiently, Even realised how lucky he was that his plan had worked at all. He hadn’t really thought of it up till then, but Isak could have made his whole plan fail if he had said no to the blindfold. “I really appreciate how you’re just doing this, by the way,” He said aloud, needing to express his thoughts, “you could have just refused, but you trusted me.”

Isak licked his lips and turned his head to Even, although he couldn’t see him, “would you still have taken me if I had refused?” it was a good question, one that made Even remember how much he liked talking to Isak. Isak wouldn’t just let things rest, he couldn’t just say ‘no problem’, instead he had to ask. And well, Even thought about it for a moment. Would he have dared to take Isak while he’d be able to see where they would be going?

 “No,” He admitted, “I would have taken you somewhere else. You wouldn’t have realised though, because I wouldn’t have told you it wasn’t the original plan.” He tried to keep it light, tried not to make it seem like this was too big of a deal, and Isak nodded at him, “ah. I see. If you’re going to play it like that…” he trailed off, and Even raised an eyebrow and huffed in disbelief, “oh yeah, then what?”

Isak’s face fell a little, and Even watched him open his mouth looking for an answer, watched his eyebrows furrow together as he racked his brains for an answer, but all he got was an, “uhhh, I- I don’t know?”

He was being so innocent, so sweet, and Even couldn’t help how it made him feel inside. He couldn’t help but press his lips against Isak’s, if only very briefly. It was only a single kiss, and the only reason Even had dared to was because no one on the bus with them actually knew them. “You’re cute,” He whispered loud enough for Isak to hear before he leaned over to press the ‘stop’ button.

“Even, we’re on-“ Isak was starting to protest, but Even interrupted him, voice low as he whispered, “there are seriously only ancient people on this bus, Isak,” well apart from that one girl, but whatever, “I think it’s safe to say they won’t tell on us. And trust me, I get why you want to keep it off the radar. I do too, there have been too many times where people have bothered me and ruined stuff for me, but I don’t want to miss out on kissing you because of that.”

Isak was silent for a moment and Even couldn’t really read his face, but then he answered, “okay. I’m putting my trust in you.” Even wanted to reply to that, he did. He wanted to feel those words sink into his bones, but then the bus stopped. It stopped right when Even had expected it, and instead of saying anything more, he got up while he tugged at Isak’s hand, “this is our stop.”

His crush stumbled as he got up, but Even was holding onto Isak tightly as he slowly helped him to get to the door. The driver yelled a goodbye and Even raised his hand in a final greeting before he stepped outside the bus.

Isak almost fell on his step down, “sorry. I’m not usually this clumsy, or so I like to think at least.” Even cackled and tipped his head back, loving how easily Isak could lighten the mood with his joking around, “honestly, don’t worry about it. Allows me to be a bit of a gentleman.”

The boy hummed in reply and Even took his hand so he could help steer him as they walked down the pavement. This was where Even felt himself getting nervous. This was where his heart was slamming in his chest, his thoughts going back to all he had prepared for this night, and now it was up to the final preparations. Isak would have to stay outside for him to really be surprised, and Even prayed for everything to go right, he was even crossing the fingers of his free hand just in case.

When they go to the entrance of the building, Even leaned into Isak’s space and he whispered, “one minute, let me get things ready. Just wait here, I promise I won’t be long.” And then he let go of Isak’s hand and disappeared inside.

 

 

\---

_10| Date_

 

_Even was so lost in thought that he completely forgot it was his time to ask a question, but by then Isak was already talking again. The flashlight had been turned off and it was now in Isak’s outstretched hand, “look. I know your story is written on these walls and I know they say a lot about you, but I’d much rather talk about easier stuff now. Like which movies you like, what your favourite food is and what else you do apart from listening to shitty music in your room. That sort of thing.”_

_And here he was again, this was Isak surprising him once again. Instead of pressing on and making him talk about Jannick, he could tell how difficult it was for Even and he let it go. He tried to make it sound like it had been his idea all along, like he hadn’t noticed the way Even’s mood had changed, and Even knew that any other person would have pressed on. But not Isak._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I think I no longer know how to write normal length chapters. I need to finish this fic before I move out, yet I keep adding in things, writing scenes twice as long as they were supposed to be. Like the date is 7500 words too??? Fml???  
> But hey, guess you're not complaining, right?!  
> I've got 34 days to write 6 more Isak chapters and 8 more Even chapters. Oh, and need to edit shit. really... fml


	11. 10| Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak + Even.
> 
> Even belonged on Isak’s wall. Isak had made them Isak and Even, and it was too much for him to handle. He had spent the whole day running around wanting to make this night perfect and in the end it was still Isak who beat him to it. It was Isak who made it perfect. Because Isak had made them Isak and Even, and about a thousand butterflies exploded in Even’s stomach.

**10| Date**

 

 

First he lit the candles and set them in the right places, and then he checked to see how well lit the room was. The candles lit most of the room, but the top parts of the walls were still dark, which was why Even was glad he had bought a flashlight. He got it out of its hiding place and dropped his bag down next to it. This was it, this was what he had prepared for, despite all his fears.

It could all go so wrong, and Even knew very well that Isak could have taken off his blindfold outside to check where they were, he knew that maybe Isak wouldn’t like this at all. But this was him, this was who he was, and it was the best first date he could think of. Which was why he walked back to where he had left his date while keeping his head up high. Isak couldn’t see him do it, but it helped him hold on to his sudden burst of confidence.

Isak hadn’t moved whatsoever and the blindfold was still on his face. All the boy had done was wrap his arms around himself, maybe because it was chilly out, and Even watched him for a moment before he said, “okay, ready.”

Isak shuddered, clearly surprised by Even’s voice, and yeah, he could have been a little more thoughtful about that. He touched Isak’s arm then, trying to be soft, but he made Isak jump again, although not as bad as before, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” And Isak nodded, “alright,” he replied, holding out a hand so Even could help him go wherever they were supposed to go, and Even gave once last instruction before he started leading Isak in, “okay, when I say so you can take off your blindfold okay?” “Okay.”

Okay. This was it. Okay. He was finally sharing this place with someone. He was finally opening up to someone, even if it was scary. “Doorstep,” He warned and Isak easily got in once he knew. Even kept leading him, warning him for the threshold between the hallway and the next room and Isak followed all of his words without asking questions. Until then, finally, the boy was in Even’s room. He was in Even’s room, between all of his darkest secrets, and Even stepped away from him, afraid that Isak could hear his heartbeat. “Alright,” He declared, “you can take off your blindfold now.”

Isak slowly brought up his hands to take off the piece of fabric, and Even was sure that no matter how nervous he had felt earlier on the day, this would beat all of it combined together. It made him want to hide somewhere, because he was so scared that Isak would hate it. He had to make sure Isak didn’t hate it, which was why he kept his eyes on Isak’s face rather intently as the boy wiped some hair out of his face and opened his eyes.

Even’s crush blinked a few times to adjust to the light and then he turned his head to take everything in. Isak turned in a circle, looking at all the walls and then the candles, before his eyes settled back on the wall he had been able to see first. Even could tell he was taking everything in and he felt a blush creep up on his cheek as he looked at the same wall that Isak was now staring at. More specifically, as he looked at the eyes that were there. Fuck, he had completely forgotten how some of these drawings were about Isak.

And although time dragged on, the silence seemingly everlasting, Even came to the conclusion that Isak didn’t hate being here. He was curious, Even could tell from his eyes. They showed a thousand questions burning to be asked and Even knew that Isak would voice some of them soon enough. But not yet, not right away, because for now he was making his way over to the wall and Even watched as he brought up a hand to touch the eyes.

_Oh, Isak, you know don’t you? You know those are yours. You know how I adore drawing them, but if only you knew just how much. If only you knew how from the moment I first saw you those eyes have been haunting me. Everything about you has, but your eyes especially. I’ve been waiting for you for a while. I’m glad you’re here now._

“I wanted to make you understand me a little better,” Even eventually broke the silence, realising that Isak wasn’t going to. He figured that he sounded rather closed off, but he was afraid that if he let any emotion slip in he would betray how nervous this moment made him. For so long he had imagined what it would be like for anyone to see this, for Isak to see this, and now that it was happening he wasn’t sure how to feel.

“This place is beautiful,” Isak turned his head to look at Even for a moment before he returned his gaze to the wall and touched the drawing of his eyes once more, “are these- are these mine?” It surprised Even how Isak had dared to ask the question, how he wasn’t shying away, but that was what he loved about the boy so much. Isak always pushed himself just that bit further than Even expected him to, and it was nice.

Even turned to his backpack, which he had set down on the floor, and he zipped it open so he could get everything out. Admitting that yes, those were Isak’s eyes, was more difficult than he had thought, partly because he was scared Isak would see it as creepy, even if Isak had never given him any reason to think that he’d respond that way. Still, he was glad that his back was turned to Isak while answered with a quick, “yes.”

With his back to Isak, while he spread out the blanket for them, he couldn’t see Isak’s expression or tell what he was doing, but that was alright. He would give Isak a moment to take everything in while he set up the final things and got out the flashlight. It wasn’t until he sat himself down on the blanket and turned back that he could see how Isak was still right there, watching the painting of his eyes, and Even wished he could tell what he was thinking. Did he feel flattered? Was he thinking about how Even had been admiring him from afar?

When Isak didn’t move Even picked up the flashlight and turned it on. He directed it to what Isak had been looking at in order to catch his attention and as expected, Isak turned to him to see what had happened. His crush brought up a hand to his face so he wouldn’t get blinded and so Even searched for the off button as he asked him “come sit with me?” And then the flashlight had turned off again.

After a moment, Isak walked up to him and sat down with him on the blanket. He folded his legs beneath himself and Even had to look away from him or he’d break already. The candlelight was bright enough to dimly light the room and made sure they would be able to see everything around them. That was good. Now all they needed were the drinks and snacks, so Even got out two cans of beer and set them down between them.

“Are you nervous about this?” Isak asked carelessly, and Even was glad he wasn’t holding anything because he would have dropped it for sure. Fuck, had Isak just really asked that? Was it that obvious to him? Even let his eyes flit up to Isak’s face before he looked away again, scared Isak would be able to tell so much from his expression. But it was stupid to freak out over this, because after all he kind of had his reasons to be nervous about this. This was his heart on display, and Isak got to judge it. So he chuckled quietly and smiled a little, “it’s that clear, huh?”

Isak leaned back slightly, Even could tell from the corner of his eyes, and he took a sip of his beer, “kinda,” he answered. “I understand why you are, but there really is no reason to be. Besides, I’d like for this date to be more than you staring at the floor,” Isak sounded rather amused, “and like, let me know if I’m being too much, okay?”

Even finally raised his head and held Isak’s gaze. He gave a tiny nod, knowing that Isak was right about this. He needed to relax, and he was sure he would once the worst would be over and he’d have some alcohol in his system. But first, first he’d have to deal with the questions, and they came rather quickly, although the first question wasn’t too difficult.

“So,” Isak started, “when did you find this place?” He was waving his hand around to show he meant the room they were in and it made Even smile. This question he could answer. Sort of. “Uhh… a few months ago? I got off the wrong stop and stumbled upon this place. It had just started raining so I hid here as I waited for it to pass,” he lied about it, but he had no choice. He would share anything but the details of his problems, those were his to deal with, at least for now.

“And well, I came back after that. My dorm room is never really just my room. People always know where to find me. So this became my place to escape from everyone else.” Even turned his stare to his pants as his fingers played with the loose threads of the hole in them. “It’s a really cool place,” Isak replied as he hummed softly.

When Even didn’t reply, unsure of what to say either way, Isak turned to look around again. Even wondered what he’d ask next and he was surprised to find it wasn’t really a question at all. “I can’t help but wonder why you took me here. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but it feels so personal,” Isak stated.

_It is personal. It is. But don’t you get how I want to let you in, Isak? I’m dying to let someone in, but I’m scared. Please, please don’t disappoint me, please be good for me. I’ve been looking for someone like you for so long, but I’ve gotten disappointed time and time again. Please be different._

Even followed Isak’s gaze and studied the wall Isak had been staring at, tipping his head sideways as he thought about it. “Well,” he paused for a moment as he looked for the right words to voice the pros that had made him choose this place for their date, “I guess I want you to understand me. I didn’t want to just take you out for coffee, I wanted to show you the real me, the me outside of the club. I figured it would be a lot easier to bring you here so that if you’re not into me you can ditch me after one date rather than waste more time on me.”

It was only partly a lie, because this was about much more than the person Even was in public, this was about much more than the mask he wore, but he couldn’t share all of it with Isak. He was sure though, that after tonight, Isak would understand that Even was quite broken, that he was still trying to fix himself, and that he had gone through an awful lot of pain. And he would know that being with Even would require patience, would require being able to deal with the fact that he had secrets he couldn’t just share with anyone he came across. And if Isak wanted him, if Isak was good for him, he’d stay in spite of those things.

Isak frowned at his explanation, probably due to the final sentence Even had used, “really now? That’s so negative though? If I wasn’t interested in you I wouldn’t be on this date with you in the first place. Do you really think I’ll dump you after tonight? Do you think that lowly of yourself, that opening up to someone is going to unquestionably make them run?” There was sarcasm in Isak’s voice, mixed with something that sounded quite a lot like anger.

_Your passion is beautiful, my dear. If only you knew I have every reason to be negative. If only you knew about Jannick, about mom and my mental health. Would you still be sitting here then? Would you still have agreed to this date? Probably not. And if you would have, it would have been a pity date. No, I don’t want you to know._

But at the same time, Isak had gotten him wrong, because that wasn’t really what Even was saying. He didn’t think lowly of himself, he thought lowly of his situation. He was taking care of himself, making sure nothing would hurt him the way he had been hurt before, but he didn’t hate who he was. He didn’t hate who he had been before all of this, and who he was trying to become again.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” he argued, “but I’m speaking from experience. It’s just- just to protect myself. I haven’t liked someone this much since- in a while.” It was a little scary to admit, but he had to make Isak understand how this was too complicated to talk about, too confusing to put into words, but he tried for him, “I’ve gotten hurt before. People often wanted to date me so they could gain something, that actually happened more than them actually liking me. I’m not saying you’re like that, but it has made me wary.”

Isak seemed to get it, as far as that was possible with the way Even had been rambling and mixing everything up. He just hoped Isak understood enough to let it be, and by the way he smiled and stared at Even, he did. “For what it’s worth,” his crush said, “I really, really like you. And I don’t think I’ll be done with you anytime soon.”

Even smiled back at him, feeling his heart pitter-patter in his chest. “I’m glad,” he admitted, “I really like you too, so.” Even felt giddy and as he bit his lower lip he had the strange urge to play with his hair, but he managed not to touch it. Instead he took a sip of his beer and handed Isak the flashlight. It was time, he could deal with this now, “I can tell you’re burning with questions though, so fire away.” Even took a deep breath as he promised, “I’ll try to be as honest as possible.”

Isak stared at the flashlight for a moment and then he took it, flicking it on and shining it on the wall behind Even. He played with it for a moment, letting it move back and forth over the wall, and then he spoke up without looking at Even. “Let’s make a game of it,” he suggested, “I ask you a question and you get to ask me one in return. Honesty, because lies kill everything.”

It made Even choke up, feeling strange emotions flooding his chest, and he watched Isak quietly, not replying just yet. Isak kept his eyes on the wall rather than letting them dart down to Even’s face and Even wished he could understand exactly what he was feeling. It was something like understanding, the fact that Isak had managed to read him so well that they were now on the same page. He was trying to make it easier for Even while at the same time making sure he got what he wanted too. Isak was smart.

“Deal,” Even eventually promised, just a little scared about the questions Isak would ask. He knew exactly what were on these walls, and he had just promised to be honest, and so he would have to be. He couldn’t lie, but he could twist the truth some if he needed to, leave out some important things that were too much for now.

Isak settled the light on a different wall than before, choosing the one behind Even, and fired his first question, which luckily was a rather easy one. “Why do you have multiple crosses on these walls? Or, I mean, I’ve seen two now. What do they stand for?” Even knew what they stood for, and they had a double meaning, which was why there were two. One stood for his mother’s loss, one for his loss in religion, which had followed each other rather quickly.

 “I used to believe in a god,” Even explained, trying to think of how to word all his thoughts, “not sure which one, but I used to believe in something. Not anymore though. There’s too much evil in the world for something or someone great and powerful to exist. And if I’m wrong, if there is a god, then they suck at their job.” His last words were linked to his mother’s death and his father’s condition too. Because they had been good people, they hadn’t deserved to die and Even hadn’t deserved to lose them. If there was a god then he was cruel, so it was better to think there was nothing.

Even was waiting for the next question, maybe Isak would even stick to the topic and Even would have to tell him it would be too much, but Isak turned off the flashlight instead. Oh, that was right, Even got to ask a question in return now. He got to ask about something he had been curious about. And well, where to start? There was so much Even was curious about, but some things he’d figure out along the way, hopefully. Like if Isak liked coffee or tea, if he liked to read or write, that sort of thing. But these questions, these questions were supposed to be deeper.

“How-“ Even started his question, but he paused immediately after the word, and his head turned back so Isak could look at his face. He rephrased his question, “can you promise me that I’m not an experiment to you? That you’re not just here to see if you’re really gay, and that you don’t want to sleep with me to see whether you like it or not? Are you certain this is what you want?”

It was something Even had been thinking about since the night of the interview, since Isak had kissed him. He had always thought maybe he had done it to see if he was into guys, as a test, and that had made him worry that maybe all of this was a test too. Their date, the kisses and everything, it had to be as real to Isak as it was to Even, or else this was doomed from the start.

“I am absolutely certain,” Isak answered him, sounding very certain too. Certain enough to make Even believe him. “I know that when we met, I told you about how I wasn’t out yet. But do you remember how you told me that I must not have kissed any guys yet then, because if I had then I would have known?” Of course Even knew, he had thought about that moment so often that he knew it like the back of his hand, remembered every little detail. “Well,” Isak continued, “I know now. I know that I was just suppressing my feelings, because I wanted to be considered ‘normal’, but I am normal, no matter who I like. And I like boys. I like you.”

And those final words made Even bite his lip and hide his face, not wanting Isak to see how he was seriously about to fucking cry. Fuck. Fuck, Isak was right there with him. This was unbelievable, this couldn’t be true. He liked Isak, and Isak liked him too, in the same damn way.

Even closed his eyes for a moment, released his lower lip from between his teeth, and he smiled as he felt so relieved. As if there had been a weight on his shoulders that he hadn’t been aware of he had been carrying until it had been taken away. “I kind of want to kiss you right now,” Even admitted silently while he shook his head. This was so much better than anything he had dreamt up over the past few days. This beat any daydream.

“Well, you could?” Isak replied, the answer sounding like a question. The boy was mirroring the smile Even felt on his own face and Even’s eyes darted up to Isak’s for a second before they dropped down to Isak’s mouth. Isak was giving him permission, was telling him it was okay to lean in and kiss him, and it was far from their first kiss, but still Even felt nervous about moving in without asking just in case Isak didn’t want him to. But now his crush was giving him permission, and Even swallowed before he started moving.

He crawled up on his hands and knees, slowly getting closer until Isak closed the gap between them and kissed him. Even’s knees hurt from the way he was seated, but it wasn’t important, because Isak’s lips were connected to his and Even fell in love. He fell so damn hard that the pain in his knees was nothing compared to the loss of breath on his way down. The kiss was short and soft and it was enough to make his insides melt within seconds. But then he sat back, knowing that if the night went well this wouldn’t be the last time they’d kiss.

After a minute of them just sitting there and enjoying each other’s presence, Isak turned on the flashlight again. It was a sign to Even that he would be asking his next question soon, and so he sat back down on his ass again and turned to look as Isak shone the light on the wall on his left. That wall represented his dark times, the depressions and pain. There were drawings of pills, of hospital related things, his suicidal thoughts, and - “who’s Jannick?”

Jannick.

Even should have seen it coming. It was a guy’s name after all, and Isak was probably curious about Even’s relationship to him. But the question always, no matter who asked him, always brought him back to his times with Jannick. He had been such a lovesick fool with him, such a greenie when it came to actual relationships, and Jannick had used that to his advantage. And then, when he had made sure Even would do anything for him, he had left. He had left Even after he had broken him into a thousand pieces. He had left him bleeding, had left him crying, and Even had felt like he had been dying.

Isak kept the light on his name and Even wished he would turn it off already. He couldn’t look at it, but he knew what it looked like. It was a black name with a red cross through it, representing the blood, but he stared at his beer rather than at the wall. He could tell he was holding the can too tightly, and it almost broke when he squeezed a little too hard.

Even tilted his head back as he brought the beer to his lips and emptied the can, feeling the warm liquid washing down his throat to wash away the bitterness, and then he smashed the can on the ground. “Jannick?” He asked, trying to make it sound like he had to think very hard, as if he didn’t really remember. “He’s just an ex,” Even shrugged his shoulders and let go of the can he had squashed.

_Please don’t ask me about him anymore, Isak. Not when I’m with you. When I’m with you I want to forget all about that part of my life, I want to forget all he ruined. I’ve glued back some pieces, and it’s not perfect, it’s far from finished, but don’t touch it because I’m not sure the glue has hardened enough yet for these pieces to stay in place._

Even was so lost in thought that he completely forgot it was his time to ask a question, but by then Isak was already talking again. The flashlight had been turned off and it was now in Isak’s outstretched hand _,_ “look. I know your story is written on these walls and I know they say a lot about you, but I’d much rather talk about easier stuff now. Like which movies you like, what your favourite food is and what else you do apart from listening to shitty music in your room. That sort of thing.”

And here he was again, this was Isak surprising him once again. Instead of pressing on and making him talk about Jannick, he could tell how difficult it was for Even and he let it go. He tried to make it sound like it had been his idea all along, like he hadn’t noticed the way Even’s mood had changed, and Even knew that any other person would have pressed on. But not Isak.

“Really?” He asked softly, wanting to make absolutely sure that Isak wasn’t just saying this for him, and Isak nodded, “yes, really.” Isak extended his hand a little further, showing Even how he really didn’t want to play it this way anymore, and Even took the flashlight from him. He stared at it as he held it and his heart was full, so full that it felt like it could explode any second now.

“It was still your turn,” Isak reminded him, clearly trying to lighten the mood now, and Even let him. He put the flashlight away, dropping it on top of his backpack and he briefly kept his gaze on the fucked up beer can that he had smashed. No more Jannick. A fresh start. Isak. Isak Valtersen. He had to let go of the past.

“Alright,” Even hummed while he thought of what to ask him, and he decided to steer away from any personal things, keeping it much simpler, “what is your favourite colour?” He was already thinking about all the paintings he wanted to do with Isak and his favourite colour. Even’s favourite colour was the exact colour of Isak’s eyes, but he didn’t know if anyone had ever invented a name for it. They made his own blue eyes look so boring. There wasn’t any liveliness in them, no other colours to contrast the blue. They were just that: “Blue,” Isak answered.

Even’s eyebrows raised slightly at the coincidence of it, and he wondered just for a second if Isak’s favourite colour was blue for the exact same reason as his was green, but then he let it go. No one had said Isak had been paying attention to Even as much as Even had paid attention to him. “And yours?” Isak asked in return, making Even smile. Surely Isak would know what his answer would be, and moreover, why. “Green.”

They smiled at each other for a moment, but Isak wasn’t going to let the silence drag on. “What’s your favourite music genre?” He asked next, carelessly stealing another question, and Even let him. He thought of an answer as Isak drank his beer and got a handful of crisps from the bag Even had opened. He hollowed his cheeks as he tried to think and beside him Isak appeared to be getting beer in his windpipe for he had to clear his throat.

Even waited another moment, making sure Isak was actually not choking, and then he told him, “old rock. Like Queen and the Beatles. I always say that I must have been born in the wrong era.” His answer made Isak look down, and when he replied Even understood what made him so shy, “I’ve heard those through the wall, yes. I guess I’m like a ‘pop’ kind of guy, some rap in there too.”

Even bit back his grin and he decided not to comment on their whole ‘being neighbours’ thing and instead focused on Isak’s music tast, “ah, cool. Do you know Nas then?” He asked, because Nas was one of Even’s favourites in that genre, and Isak’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. Both his eyebrows shot up, almost reaching his hairline, “are you kidding me? Do I know Nas? Do I?” his crush huffed, “of course I know Nas, who do you think I am?”

Even snorted, unable to hold back his smile as Isak gave his dramatic response, and Isak kept on joking, “I’m taking that as your question, by the way.” It lifted whatever was left of the tension from before and they genuinely laughed together, Even now more at ease, and he held up his hands in surrender before he got himself another beer. This was good, this was nice. Isak didn’t seem to hate him so far.

“What is your family like?” Isak asked next, and just as quick as Even’s smile had been there, it disappeared again. The room seemed to get darker and the question felt like a blow to the gut. It wasn’t Isak’s fault, he couldn’t help it because he didn’t know, but it wasn’t Even’s fault either. It was simply the way his body responded to such a question, to the memories, and he wished he could control it better. Because this was a simple question. It was just a question of if he had any siblings, that sort of stuff, but to Even it no longer felt simple.

Best not to dwell on it for too long and best not to lie, so Even tried to shut down any further questions by telling Isak, “complicated.” But that wouldn’t be enough, so he tried again. The words hurt to get out, like tiny saws were making their way up Even’s throat, but he went on anyway. “But,” he started, then rephrased it into something he could voice, “I’m an only child. And my parents were very happy together.”

Let him think he meant divorce, let him think he left them behind, anything but the truth. Even could deal with anything but the truth. Yet the truth was what he had to live with. And Isak wouldn’t be Isak if he would ask Even for more. Instead he made it about himself to relieve some of Even’s stress, “for what it’s worth, siblings aren’t always better. I have a sister, Lea, and we always used to fight,” Isak was sharing just like Even was, “I was so glad she left for college when I was sixteen. And my parents, well, they could be in the middle of a divorce right now or they could be trying to work things out, no one knows anymore.”

Families sucked. Even knew there was no such thing as a perfect family, but his had been close to it. He would have signed for divorce, he would have signed for having to leave them behind, because at least they would have still been alive. But it wasn’t fair to judge, it wasn’t fair to tell Isak he should be happy about his situation, because people all had to deal with their pain and they all dealt differently. Even was just very bad at dealing with it.

He hummed in reply, but he didn’t explain anything else. He felt how all this honesty was just dragging them down a little, making the mood too serious, and they needed something to break it with. Luckily Even had come prepared, and maybe now was the right time to show Isak the other room, so he cleared his throat before speaking softly, “I have a present for you here.”

Even got up on his knees, knowing Isak would follow, “it’s in the room next to this one. Help me take some candles there?” He asked as he straightened himself and walked over to the wall to pick up two of the candles very carefully so they wouldn’t extinguish. He waited for Isak to get up too, and his crush did the same as him, taking two candles himself, and then they both slowly shuffled over to the doorway.

The hallway was dark, something Even was rather used to, but he was glad they had the candles to help them so that at least Isak could see where he was going. The room he had picked was much lighter than the first room, due to a large windowsill in one of the walls, and Even had figured it would be the best place to make art in the dark together. He set down the candles on one side of the room and Isak put down his on the other end.

“A present?” Isak asked then, unable to hide his curiosity, “but I don’t have any present for you?” That made Even snicker as he bent over to pick up one of the brushes. Isak didn’t have a present for him and he was acting as if that was the worst thing in the world, as if he should have known that Even had something planned for them. “Relax,” Even assured him, “it’s not that big a deal. It’s nothing you can take with you anyway, it’s just something that matters to me.”

When he stood up again he held out his hand towards Isak, showing him the paintbrush he was holding. For a moment all Isak did was stare, and Even wondered if maybe he wasn’t able to see what it was, but then he took it from Even’s grip and held it in his own hand. Even could see the confusion on his face, like he wasn’t sure what to do with a paintbrush, and he could tell that Isak was a bad liar from the way he said, “oh, a brush! A date souvenir? How cute.”

Even supressed a laugh, sputtering as he giggled, “no, not the brush, Isak, that’s not the present.” Fuck, he had hoped Isak would have been smart enough to figure it out on his own, but apparently he needed a little more help. So Even decided to be absolutely transparent about it, which was why he walked up to the wall and placed his hand against it, “welcome to your wall,” he declared.

Isak’s mouth dropped open slightly and his eyes widened as he stared at the wall in shock. Clearly it was hard to comprehend that this was real, clearly Isak wasn’t aware enough yet of how fucking into him Even was, because he asked “Really?” As if Even would joke about such a thing. And Even nodded while he picked up a can of paint, the blue one seen as it was Isak’s favourite, “yes, really.” He got off the lid and dropped it on the floor before he stated, “now let’s make it yours already.”

Even’s crush stared at the can of paint and then at the brush in his hand. He seemed to be lost in thought, almost in a daze as he tried to make sense of this, but he still listened to Even and eventually he dipped the brush in the paint. The way he held the brush against the edge of the can to make sure nothing would spill on the floor was so cute Even almost leaned in to kiss him, but then Isak extracted the brush, moved away from him, and brought it up to press it against the wall.

For a moment he paused, and Even got the idea that he was trying to think of what to do with it, and then Isak slowly stroked down and retracted the brush. He had created a line, a line that turned out to be an ‘I’, because a second later Isak brought the brush back to the wall and started on an ‘S’, with more determination now that he had an idea of what to write. And he was really making it his now, claiming it by writing his name. His name would be there on the wall of Even’s most sacred place. And at the same time he tattooed his name in Even’s broken heart.  

Even stared at the name, still holding the paint can in his arms, but Isak wasn’t done yet. As Even tightened his grip on the can in his arms, Isak dipped in the brush again, and Even watched curiously as the boy brought it down in a straight line again. What was he doing?

Even noticed he was holding his breath as he watched Isak turn the straight line into a ‘+’ sign. And from the moment he added another straight line with three horizontal lines attached to it, he felt his knees going weak. Isak was writing Even’s name along his.  

Isak + Even.

Even belonged on Isak’s wall. Isak had made them Isak and Even, and it was too much for him to handle. He had spent the whole day running around wanting to make this night perfect and in the end it was still Isak who beat him to it. It was Isak who made it perfect. Because Isak had made them Isak and Even, and about a thousand butterflies exploded in Even’s stomach.

And then, as if it hadn’t been too much already, Isak killed him with one last blow. “Help me draw a heart around it? I’m not good at those,” He asked, and Even no longer knew how to move or how to speak. Isak Valtersen, the boy who left him speechless. Isak Valtersen, the boy who had denied himself love for so long, was now opening up to Even. And it was mutual. Whatever Even felt, Isak felt it too, and Even hadn’t felt happiness like this in a long time.  

Finally his body gave in and he moved, setting down the can of paint so he could pick up the red can next. It had been faith, the fact that Even had left out exactly those two colours. Faith. They were meant to be, Even was sure of it now.

He got off the lid and picked up a second brush, which he dipped into the paint, and then he stepped behind Isak. They were both probably just as nervous, but Isak had taken the first steps, had made himself so vulnerable by admitting to his feelings, that now it was Even’s turn.

He helped Isak lift his hand up high enough and then curled his fingers around Isak’s wrist. The touch felt intimate, more so than he had expected to, and he swallowed once before he forced his voice to work without breaking. “Hold the brush tightly and move with me,” he ordered, but he wasn’t being strict about it, and Isak nodded to make sure he knew what to do.

And then Even started guiding Isak’s hand, first up and then down, creating half a heart before he softly nudged Isak’s hand, making him lift it. They were both quiet, their eyes on the wall, as they created the other half, making the two halves connect. And Even stared, unmoving, with one hand still on Isak’s wrist and the other on his hip, and that was it. Their names were there on the wall now, and this was real. Someone could walk in and see their names and know what it meant. It meant they were Isak and Even now. It meant Even was no longer alone.

Even let go of Isak’s hand eventually, but he didn’t step back. He was leaving it up to Isak now, and the boy knew. It was as if he could read Even’s thoughts, as if they were on the same wavelength now, because he turned around to face him. Even could tell Isak was startled to find them so close, and his hands were on Isak’s waist to stop him from spinning further. But then Isak stopped moving, and they stood there together, staring into each other’s eyes, and Even wanted. He wanted so badly. And so he took what he wanted.

He kissed Isak, rough and hot-blooded, and there was an urgency to it that there hadn’t been before. In the park things had been soft and languid, earlier tonight it had been sweet and short, but now none of that was left. It was harsh and unrefined but so beautiful, so good, and Even never wanted to let go.

Isak was so lost in it, Even was so lost in it, that when Isak’s hand came up to touch him, it was a brush instead that touched Even’s cheek. It was a reflex when Even stepped back from it, his eyes opening to see an equally shocked Isak who was watching the brush first and then he looked up, his eyes trailing to where Even could feel the paint was. The boy gasped and sounded actually apologetic when he said, “oh god, sorry, I forgot.”

He instantly dropped the brush and Even touched his cheekbone, getting red on his fingers too. He stared at it, felt how ridiculous it was, and it made him laugh. God, Isak was so innocent, and Even was feeling playful, which was why he reached out and managed to touch Isak’s nose before Isak got away from him, leaving a single red dot.

Isak roared as he tried to get away from the attack, but Even followed him, grabbing the back of his shirt, but Isak had been able to stretch out far enough to get to the blue paint can before Even had been able to drag him back, so when Isak twirled back he held out his hand and smeared Even’s other cheek at the same time as Even’s fingers found his collarbone.They both made a protesting sound and Even gasped at the fresh paint on his face. Oh, this was war.

“you did not!” He brought out, and Isak looked like a deer in headlights as they stood in completely silence, but it was only a moment because then Even was leaping forwards. He made his arms circle around Isak’s waist and he tried to get him to go down with him, which made Isak yelp and fall backwards on his ass. Even used it to his advantage by climbing in Isak’s lap instantly and he commanded. “Tell me you’ll surrender,” while he grabbed Isak’s arms. He tried to get them up in the air above their heads, but Isak shook his head while he struggled to break free. It was a futile attempt, for Even was pinning down his lower body and managed to keep a hold on his arms which made it impossible for Isak to escape, and they both knew it.

Isak wouldn’t give up so easily though, in fact he kept struggling, and as he gasped for air Even could hear he was out of breath. It didn’t stop him though, because he held his head high and stared Even down when he told him, “make me.”

And well, that changed the mood instantly. Because Even understood damn well what Isak meant with that, and it was fucking hot to have him like that. They had gone from sweet to hot in nothing but a minute, and Even looked down into Isak’s eyes only to make sure he was absolutely sure he meant it. And Isak stared back with eyes still as defiant, with this flaming desire that made Even’s insides churn. Okay. Alright, okay.

Even didn’t waste any more time, pushing Isak down slowly until his back hit the floor. It didn’t appear to have hurt him, which was exactly what had been his intention, but once Isak was down he no longer cared. He pinned Isak’s wrists to the floor above them, made sure he was sitting high enough up Isak’s body for it not to get painful, and then he dipped down and pressed their lips together again.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

 

 

\---

_11| Falling_

 

 _“Isak,” Even said to his boyfriend, “did you know I’m fucking_ falling in love _with you?” He just spilled the words, like they were like any other confession. As if it was no different than confessing he liked Isak, and maybe it wasn’t any different, because Isak wasn’t that shocked. He seemed startled, his lips parting in surprise, and he brought out an, “oh?”, but he didn’t scream or run away, and that was good._

_Even let their noses rub together, and Isak didn’t pull away or tell him that it was wrong for Even to feel that way. He let it be, let Even hum against his lips before he found the words, “yeah. I am. Faen, I’m falling for you hard, Isak.” And that made Isak’s hand curl tighter around Even’s neck while he dragged him down, kissed him harder and deeper, and this was exactly why Even felt the way he did._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this fluff will make up a little for the roughness of Monday's chapter. There will be more fluff on Saturday, as you will receive 5 short scenes that show Even falling for Isak. <333  
> You're all the best. I love writing for you, I'm going to miss this so much when it ends.. but not yet. noooo. not yet.


	12. 11| Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak was his and he was Isak’s, and it sent a million shivers down his spine, made the salty water taste sweet, and if Isak would let him, he swore he would never let go of him. “I’ll catch you,” He promised Isak’s lips, he promised Isak’s cheek and his neck. He pushed the words into the skin of Isak’s back, trailed them down his spine, and with every touch he loved him more.

**11| Falling**

_(Or, 5 times Even fell a little more in love)_

 

 

Isak was cheating. His crush, the beautiful boy in front of him, was cheating. He was trying to hide it with some mumbled apologies and pitiful glances, but Isak was a bad liar, which was why Even knew for a fact that he was cheating. This was the fourth time that Isak had needed to pick up a card and had ‘accidentally’ picked up two instead, obviously putting back down the card that was least favourable to him.

“Sorry, god, I am really bad at getting just one card,” Isak apologised while he pretended to be frustrated by it, his eyebrows drawn together in a frown, and Even couldn’t hold back his smile. It was amusing to see him try so hard to hide the fact that he was cheating, and even more amusing to see that even with the cheating, Isak was still losing.

Even only had two cards left in his hands while Isak had seven, and Even had had a shit hand of cards to start off with. Isak may just be the worst card player Even has ever come across. And Even, well Even’s heart was full of love for him. Because here Isak was, this sweet guy who was bad at games and bad at losing, and he was trying so hard.

“Final card,” Even said as he put down his second to last, watching the way it made Isak bite his lip and he cursed under his breath, “shit.” Even knew he was going to win this from his boyfriend, and he already knew the boy would make a fuzz of losing.

Isak put down a card and yelled out in victory, “hah! It’s a two, now you have to pick up two cards!” He grinned, but Even only stared at him with one eyebrow raised. Isak pretended he didn’t know why Even was pulling that face and he shrugged, “what?” Which made Even snort as he picked up the two that Isak had just put down. “Nice try,” he grinned, “but this is hearts and we were on to diamonds.”

Unbothered by the fact that Even had caught him once again, Isak tried to talk himself out of it, “oh, really? Shit, I got too excited over nothing, alright. Alright, let me try another move then.” He took back the number two and stared at the other cards in his hand, eyes darting back and forth between the pile between them and his hands, and then he moved so fast that Even almost didn’t see it. Almost.

“Fuck, you’re the worst,” Even shook his head and threw down his final card, having given up, “you just put down two cards instead of one. Isak, you’re cheating,” Even stated. There was laughter trickling into his voice now, and Isak’s head shot up so he could look at Even with wide eyes, “What? No I’m not! I just- uh. I-”

Even held his laughter, raised his eyebrows at his boyfriend and when there came no addition to his sentence, Even asked, “you just what? Were the cards sticking together again? Or were you clumsy, was that it?’ and Isak dropped his cards too now, his body slumping, but his voice was still defiant “yes! Exactly!”

As Even crossed his arms in front of his chest, Isak blew out a puff of air and he mixed up the cards, “let’s just start over, okay? You can pick up the cards for me if I need to take one and I will win fair and square.” Isak was already picking up the pile of cards to shuffle them again, but Even couldn’t any longer.

“God, you’re cute,” He smirked as he stopped Isak by placing his hand over his boyfriend’s. It made Isak look up again, ready to protest, but Even wouldn’t let him. He moved his hand up to Isak’s shirt and curled his fingers into it before he tugged the boy into him.

They kissed like that, leaning into each other with Isak leaning onto the pile of cards, which was now askew, but it didn’t matter anymore. They were kissing and once their lips touched, they both just kind of lost awareness of anything else around them. And Isak caved, he caved the same way he always did when Even would kiss him. He crawled closer, sending cards flying all around, and his hands came up to Even’s shoulders, moving further until his arms were folded behind Even’s neck.

They fell down together as Isak pushed at him, and Even guided them enough so his head would still be on the bed, and then Isak was climbing on top of him while at the same time pushing Even’s lips apart with his tongue. He was a dream, Isak was a dream, and Even placed his hands on his boyfriend’s hips as he parted his lips for him. He loved cheating.

\---

When Even walked out into the yard, Isak was sitting at his spot, or well, it was more like their spot now. The few rare times they spent their lunch break outside rather than somewhere inside, hiding away so they wouldn’t have to pretend to like each other, that was where they’d sit.

Isak was kicking his legs, his eyes on Even as he sucked on the straw that was attached to his milkshake, and Even paused at the door for a moment as he looked at him. He felt that predictable rush of adoration as he watched his boyfriend doing normal everyday things, and it still made him chuckle at himself for being such a sucker for romance.

Isak beckoned him to come closer by tipping his chin up in a quick move, his teeth still around the straw, and Even couldn’t help but follow his order. When he got closer to him, Isak picked up the second milkshake that had stood next to him and he held it out for Even to take. So considerate of him to bring Even something. “Hei,” Isak whispered with a sneaky smile as Even took the milkshake from him, their fingers grazing each other as he did.

“Hey,” Even replied while he dropped his bag next to Isak’s before he flopped down next to Isak on the wall. He scanned the yard, checking to see if any of his friends were there or if they’d be alone today, and he sighed in relief when he noticed no other club members were near. He’d much rather be alone with Isak anyway.

“Soooo?” Isak asked, dragging out the word, and he had turned his head to look at Even with curious eyes, “how did it go?” And that brought Even right back to the room he had just been in. He had just had one of his final and most important oral exams of the year where he had had to defend his work, and it had been fucking difficult. What had been hardest to deal with was the fact that of course they had done everything they could to question his work. He had needed to tell himself on more than one occasion that none of it meant they hated it, that they just wanted to know if he’d be able to explain the choices he had made and why.

“No fucking idea,” He laughed as he sipped from his milkshake, turning his head to look at Isak, “they just kept asking questions, it felt like I was on trial for making the worst piece of art in history, and sometimes it was really difficult to answer. I mean, I had to tell them ‘I haven’t thought about it’ one time, which I think is really bad, like catastrophically bad, but hey…I survived.” And Isak nodded at his words, turned his head away again. They were in public after all, this wasn’t the place.

“Did they ask any of the questions we practiced?” Isak asked after he had swallowed a bite of his sandwich, and Even put down his milkshake so he could set his hands on the wall and lean back a bit, “Yes,” he said. “I think it really helped, so thank you for suggesting,” Even admitted, and Isak bumped their shoulders, his way of telling Even that it was nothing he had to thank him for.

Even tipped back his head so he could look at the sky, and rather than keeping his thoughts on the exam he had just had, he was reminded of his date with Isak at Botanisk Hage, or their pre-date, whatever. He hummed to get Isak’s attention, and then he grinned, “I see a couch,” he started, “it’s rather big, could definitely fit two people.”

And Isak chuckled at him, voice sarcastic, “you do now?” he asked, “because I don’t see any. Where is this mystery couch then?” Even listened as Isak put away his food and looked up to the sky too. There was no couch in the sky, Even had made it up, but Isak looked for it anyway. “It’s in the O.V.A headquarters, I think,” Even replied and he licked his lips, “I see someone waiting for you there after your next class.”

His boyfriend didn’t answer him straight away, instead sat up straight again. Even could tell his eyes were on the people closest to them, and he wondered what Isak was thinking about. If his joke had been stupid, if maybe Isak wasn’t in the mood for this, but it turned out that wasn’t it, for Isak’s hand covered his between their bodies. It was careless to do this outside, for everyone to see, but Isak still did it. He gave Even’s hand a small squeeze and then he whispered, “I’ll be there.”

\---

“You’ve got weed,” Isak stated as he was rummaging through Even’s bedside table looking for a fucking pen. He had been stubborn, not listening to Even telling him that he wasn’t going to find it there. Instead he had found a tiny bag of weed that Even had kept there, and as Isak mentioned it, Even looked up from his book.

“You’ve got weed,” His boyfriend repeated, “and you failed to mention it?” Isak talked with short breaks between his words and Even raised his eyebrows as Isak huffed and fell back on Even’s bed, “fuck. We could have had a way more interesting afternoon, yet here we are actually studying together. We’re studying while you’ve got weed in the drawer of your bedside table. I feel offended.”

Even flipped the page and shrugged as he went back to reading, “well we should actually be studying, you know. We spend too much time together, I am so behind on my work.” It was true, they were both behind on their work. It hardly happened that they would actually be apart, both of them in their own rooms. It was more as if they were living together but used two rooms for it. Sometimes they’d end up in Isak’s room, but most times in Even’s. It usually depended on who would finish class first and since Even had a lot of homework rather than classes, it was more often him.

And he knew that Isak had been slacking too, because while before he had joined O.V.A and had met Even he had been the most devoted student Eva had ever met in her life, he was now more focused on… other stuff. Mostly stuff that had to do with them being together. And Even didn’t want to be a bad influence, but at the same time it was so hard not to give in to him.

“I don’t care,” Isak groaned as he held up the bag in front of Even’s face, “I’ll catch up later. I’m a quick learner. Please, pretty pretty please smoke up with me.” And Even rolled his eyes at him. Sure, right, as if Isak actually would catch up later. Studying while stoned wasn’t exactly productive. But Even got an idea now, one that would leave the choice to something else. That way Isak wouldn’t be mad if he lost, or Even wouldn’t feel guilty about giving in.

“Okay let’s make a deal,” Even suggested as he closed his textbook and reached out to grab Isak’s. “I will test your knowledge of this past chapter, and if you can answer three of my questions, we will smoke. You can fuck up one, but you have got to answer three of them correctly, okay?” He could tell that Isak was contemplating this, but he must have come to the conclusion that really, he had nothing to lose, because he nodded and agreed, “okay, deal.”

Even flipped through the pages, noticing how Isak had been reading about anxiety disorders and he almost laughed at it. It was still funny to think that his boyfriend had picked psychology out of all the majors he could have picked. But whatever. This wasn’t about him now.

He looked for an easy question first, something with numbers, and right at the start of the chapter he found something good, “alright, question 1: how many percent of the world’s population deals with anxiety disorders?” he asked, and Isak smiled, clearly knowing the answer to this. He sounded rather excited to explain it too, adding on extra information that Even hadn’t asked for. “20 percent of people deal with anxiety disorders. They are more likely to be found in females and more in the adolescent stage of life than at a younger age. An anxiety disorder can only be called a disorder when it influences a person’s functioning in their daily life.”

Even’s eyebrows raised and he was impressed by how much Isak was able to tell him when all he had asked was such a simple question. So maybe he should make it a little more complicated, after all he had to be sure Isak knew this chapter or else he wouldn’t feel good about letting Isak skip his studying. He cleared his throat, put his index finger to the page and asked, “there are three different components that can be found in anxiety disorders. What are they?”

And Isak started rambling immediately, “psychological, motorial and physical.” He sat up a little straighter and counted them all on his fingers, adding in some information for each, “psychological is cognitive. It means there is a feeling of being unable to breathe or a feeling of dying, and usually there is a lot of self-criticism and even self-hatred, but it all happens in the mind. Motorial means there are outer body symptoms such as trembling, hyperventilating and overreacting while physical means there are inner body symptoms such as an increased heart rate.”

Even blinked, knowing half of the information was lost to him already, but Isak looked proud enough, and Even couldn’t believe his boyfriend was actually winning. He only needed to get one more question right, so Even had to make it the most difficult he could find, which wasn’t easy because he didn’t know this book at all. He had no clue where to find the complicated stuff.

“Alright, only one more to go. If you get this one right of course,” Even grinned and Isak huffed, way too confident, but Even was pretty sure Isak would get this one right too. “What are the causes of anxiety disorders?” He asked, and Isak clapped his hands, almost jumped up as he started answering, already feeling like he had won. “It’s usually a mix of your genetics and the influence of your surroundings. It’s hardly ever just one or the other. Put in numbers, 60% of it is genetic and 40% of it is based on your surroundings.”

And Even’s grin widened as he realised Isak had fucked up. “No,” he said, getting Isak out of his little victory dance, “you switched the numbers. 40% is genetic, 60% is based on the environment you live in. You got it wrong.” Isak was staring at him, “what? Wait, really? I thought I- shit I must have just said it the other way around.”

He tried to get the book from Even’s grip to check for himself, but Even held on to it, “not yet. Remember, you were allowed to make one mistake. So this is it, the question you need to answer correctly if you want us to smoke together. If you fail, we’re back to studying.” Isak pursed his lips together and he took a deep breath, and Even almost burst into laughter. His boyfriend was taking this so seriously, it was cute to watch.

“Alright,” Even lowered his voice, “the final question for the bag of weed is…” he paused, watched the intensely concentrated look on Isak’s face, and settled on a fairly easy question, “what is the biggest difference in behaviour due to anxiety disorders between boys and girls?” and Isak jumped up already, getting off the bed as he laughed. “I know this!” He yelled as he jumped up and down on the floor.

“Due to the testosterone in boys, they are more likely to use aggression and therefore their fear becomes external. Girls however, girls are more likely to get depressed and their lack of testosterone makes it they keep to themselves and therefore their fear becomes internal,” Isak said the words like they would get him to win some sort of prize show, like he knew he had won now, and Even thought he looked adorable.

He didn’t even have to tell his boyfriend he was right, because Isak was already dancing around his room and he looked ridiculous as he tried to shake his hips, but Even couldn’t hold back his laughter. “Who is the motherfucking best?” Isak asked, but Even was too busy hiding his smile into the covers that he couldn’t reply. It didn’t matter, Isak was already answering himself, “Isak goddamn Valtersen!”

His boyfriend rushed back to the bed then, taking his book from Even’s hands and throwing it aside, “I won! Now I get to collect my prize.” And as promised, Even held up the bag of weed, knowing that he’d have to go through with it now, but Isak didn’t look at it twice. Instead he took Even’s face in his hands and he dipped down to kiss him. He pressed a hundred tiny kisses to Even’s lips, to his jaw and then his neck, and Even’s heart rate increased and there was a trembling in his hands, but it didn’t have anything to do with any anxiety disorder whatsoever.

\---

“Even,” Isak’s voice was serious, his eyes wide when Even turned over in bed to look at him, and Even was still half asleep, but Isak’s face made him snap out of it. “What?” he asked, “are you okay? Are you hurt?” Even sat up and let his eyes roam over his boyfriend, who looked pale and afraid.

But Isak wasn’t watching him, instead his eyes were on the ceiling, “is that a- a wasp?” And for a moment Even was left speechless, thinking that ‘really? That was what was wrong?’ but then Isak had jumped out of bed while he was screeching, “oh fuck, dear fucking god, oh no.”

It was a little funny to see Isak running around in his underwear, pressing himself up to the wall so he’d be as far away from the bug as possible, but he actually looked terrified and Even hadn’t expected that. The wasp Isak was talking about was in fact a bee, and it looked rather innocent as it flew to another spot in the ceiling, but it made Isak yelp and Even somehow felt he was close to crying.

“Even, Even you need to kill it. Please fucking kill it,” He screamed, desperation in his voice, and Even sat up and pushed the covers out of the way, “Isak, calm down.” He walked straight to the kitchen, knowing the bee was somewhere right above him, and Isak squealed, “be careful!” while he did.  

Out of all things his boyfriend could be scared of, it had to be this? Bugs? Fucking hell, he had hoped to wake up to some kisses, not to Isak panicking because of a damn bee. But it could have been worse, it could have been a spider and they could have both been screaming then. But this, a bee, this he could deal with.

Even picked up a glass and a piece of paper and told Isak, “I said calm down. I’ll fix it.” As he walked back, he put the glass on his bed before he went over to his window so he could open it in preparation. “Are you crazy? Close that thing before any more come in,” Isak was begging, looking like death was coming for him, and Even chuckled again, “for real, Isak, get it together. This is totally a turn off, you know,” he rolled his eyes at his boyfriend and returned to the bed, climbing up on it, “it is just a bee. Bees are friendly unless you attack them. Bees are important, so I will be doing no killing.”

Even stretched himself slowly, not wanting to scare the bee away, and as he kept his eyes on it he told Isak, “when I tell you to, I need you to hand me that piece of paper, okay?” He wasn’t even done talking and Isak was already protesting, making a big deal of it, so Even tuned him out. He slowly raised the glass, heard Isak panic even more, “oh god it’s going to fly, Even. Even, it’s going to fly.”

Even paused and took a deep breath, “Isak. I’m telling you, one more word and I will make sure it fucking flies.” And Isak shut up instantly, the warning tone of Even’s voice having stopped him, and Even lifted the glass a little higher again. There was a tiny squeak from Isak’s side of the room, but the boy really tried to keep quiet, which was more than Even could have hoped for.

The bee didn’t move at all, it stayed where it was and so Even got to put the glass against the ceiling, successfully trapping it. He let out a deep sigh, glad this wouldn’t become a chase, because then Isak would surely be screaming some more.

“Okay Isak, now hand me the paper,” He told his boyfriend, who was still pressed against the wall. He was giving the sign, as promised, but Isak didn’t move. He still seemed too afraid to step closer, and it made Even sigh, “if you don’t give me the paper I can’t get him out of my room. Come on, I already have the glass around him, just do it.”

Isak stayed still for another moment, but Even’s words were persuasive enough for him to at least try. He took a few slow steps and Even was a hundred percent certain that he kept his eyes on the bee at all times, but he picked up the paper for him. He picked up the paper, held it out for Even and he whimpered only slightly when Even reached out to take it.

The moment the paper was out of his hands, Isak backed off again, and Even heaved a sigh before he went back to the task at hand. As he pushed at the bee with his paper, the little bug fell into the glass, and Even had really captured him now. All he had to do was release him.

He walked to the window with the cup and the paper on top, and when he got there he took it away so the bee could escape. It could, but it didn’t. It crawled out onto the window sill, but it stayed there, and Even turned his head to look at Isak, “baby? I need you to do one more thing for me.” There was panic on Isak’s face again, but Even sent him a warm smile, “can you mix two table spoons of sugar with one table spoon of water?”

His request made a frown appear on Isak’s face, and Even explained himself when he looked back at the bee, “I think our little buddy here is tired. We need him to get a bit more energy.” And for the first time since the bee had appeared, Isak didn’t go against what Even was telling him. He shuffled to the kitchenette and Even listened to him work while he kept his eyes on the pretty orange coloured stripes on the bee’s back.

When Isak got close enough to him that Even could take the cup Isak had mixed it in, the spoon still inside, Even tugged him closer by grabbing his wrist. Isak fought him for a moment, his voice warning as he growled, “Even-“ but Even huffed, “come on, you’re as safe as you can be. Look at him.” And to his surprise, Isak stopped struggling.

His boyfriend was hiding half behind him, ready to flee if he had to, but he was peeking outside while Even dropped some of the liquid sugar on the windowsill. They both watched as the bee started drinking it, and slowly but surely, Isak was inching a little closer.

Even felt two arms wrap around his waist and Isak pressed his cheek to Even’s shoulder, and he stayed there with him until the bee flew off, minutes later. “Thank you,” Isak mumbled against Even’s skin, “I’m sorry I freaked out so much, they just… they fly, Even.” Even leaned back into Isak’s embrace, put his hands on Isak’s arms, “it’s okay, it was kind of cute,” he lied.

“No, it wasn’t,” Isak argued, sounding like he was pouting, and Even grinned, “okay, no it wasn’t. But it doesn’t matter, no matter happens, I’ll save every bee from you.” He couldn’t hold back his laugh as Isak broke free and hit his arm, “ha-ha, hilarious Even, you’re hilarious.” Even chuckled as he turned back, and Isak let himself fall on the bed again, “please don’t forget to close the window.”

\---

On Isak’s birthday, Even took him out to one of the islands in the Oslofjorden. They took a private boat to a more private part of island, courtesy of one of Eskild’s close friends. It hadn’t been easy, Even had needed to do some begging, but once he had told Eskild that it was a surprise for the boy he was in love with, it had been enough to melt his friend’s heart and pick up his phone.

And Isak looked amazed. He had these bright eyes along with a stunning smile as they sped across the water to one to the most south-eastern point of Ostoya, where it would be a little quieter than on the other islands. It would be the perfect place to spend the day in the sun, just the two of them.

Even had suggested a party at O.V.A at first, but Isak had shaken his head and told Even that he didn’t have enough friends for that, and that he’d rather spend the day with Even instead. If he wanted to, he could throw a party sometime later. And that was all fine by him.

So there they were, having made their way over to Solvik after a late breakfast, prepared to spend their afternoon and night at the island. Even had one of those one-time barbecue grills with him, along with a cooler full of food and alcohol, plenty of alcohol. Isak had the bag with swimming gear and enough blankets to both sit on and wrap around them, in case it would get chilly. And he looked happy.

Even had woken up early that morning, and he had slipped out of Isak’s hold to get the cupcakes he had made the day before, while Isak had been in class. He had put a single candle in it and had lit it before he had returned to the bed while singing, “hurra for deg som fyller ditt år.” And as Isak had stretched himself out on Even’s bed, Even had dipped down to kiss him awake.

It had been a nice morning, they had cuddled, had eaten breakfast, had packed everything together and then they had taken the bus to get to Solvik Marina, where their boat had been waiting. And as Isak leaned over the edge of the boat to look at the water, a content smile on his face, Even let himself stare at him. He let it warm his heart. He hadn’t thought it would have ever been possible for him to love again, but he had been wrong.

“Call me when you want to return, I’ll come pick you up. Oh, and make sure to call me in time, because I might not be at the Marina anymore,” Thomas told them as the boat slowed down and arrived at the shore. Even shook the guy’s hand and gave him a nod, “will do. Thank you for this.” Thomas grinned and looked at Isak for a moment, “that’s alright. Enjoy your day together.”

Isak had already gotten off the boat and was running up the grass to a spot they could claim, and Even was quick to follow him. Behind them the motor roared again and Even looked over his shoulder to see it take off. They were alone now, really alone, because there wasn’t anyone else in sight. And thankfully so, because this was exactly what Even had planned.

They unfolded their blanket together, the one they had used on both their pre-date, at Botanisk Hage, and during their actual first date, and Isak was smiling, “always this damn blanket, huh.” Even didn’t comment, instead he opened the cooler and rummaged through it to find them both a bottle of water. He threw it at Isak, who gratefully caught it and unscrewed the cap. It was a warm day with perfect sunny weather, but it was too early to drink now. That they’d do later.

As they sat down Even got out the left over cupcakes he had baked and put them in the middle of the blanket. He made himself comfortable while Isak first took off his shirt and only then rolled over to lie across from him.

“We didn’t actually get around to eating the first cupcake,” Even explained as he held out one for Isak to take, and his boyfriend smiled a little shyly. They had been so occupied kissing each other that they had almost set fire to the bedding. But luckily for the whole building, Even had noticed just in time. They had laughed about it together, and then Even had told Isak ‘make a wish’ before Isak had blown out the candle.

Now Isak was peeling away the paper around the cupcake and taking a bite out of it, and Even found it hard to look away from him, even though the sun was blinding him slightly. Still he did look away, knowing he’d have plenty of time to stare at his boyfriend over the next few hours, and he rolled onto his back as he picked off a piece of his own cupcake and stuffed it in his mouth. “It’s been a while since I’ve celebrated someone’s birthday like this. Where it isn’t clubbing and getting drunk,” He told Isak, and Isak hummed as he copied Even’s position, “it’s nice, isn’t it?”

Even couldn’t help his cheesy response, and he chuckled as he said, “it’s always nice being with you,” but instead of laughing at him, Isak’s hand found his on top of the blanket. They were allowed to do this here, Even was allowed to show his affection with no one near, and so was Isak. They just got to be themselves for a while. Which was why Even threw aside his cupcake, turned onto his stomach and looked at Isak’s face up close.

Isak turned his head to him, squeezing one eye shut against the sun, and Even’s grin grew as he leaned in for another kiss, and Isak returned the kiss for a while, until it turned him into a giggling mess. When Even broke away Isak had his hand on the side of Even’s neck and he was still laughing, and so Even cocked an eyebrow at him, “what?”

His boyfriend shook his head, but he was still smiling fondly, and Even pushed on, “what is it?” Finally Isak sighed and closed his eyes, he was obviously trying to get the smile to fade because Even wouldn’t leave it alone. “Fuck,” he whispered then, opening his eyes to look up at Even and there was still a trace of laughter in his voice when he said, “you taste like cupcakes.”

And Even should have laughed along, he should have found it funny, but his stomach was doing flips and his heart was in his throat, and it was hard to breathe, which was causing Isak to freak out. “Even?” He asked, a frown now appearing on his forehead and no, no please smile again. Even kissed the frown away, kissed him until his boy was smiling again.

“God, you’re so fucking-“ Even brought out between kisses, and Isak’s fingers pushed into his skin, demanding, asking ‘what? So fucking what?’ and when Even didn’t answer Isak turned his head away from the kiss. “I’m what?” he asked, sounding curious and playful, and Even really couldn’t care less right now. It was Isak’s birthday, they had been dating for a few weeks, and Even was a goner. Fuck it.

“Isak,” Even said to his boyfriend, “did you know I’m fucking _falling in love_ with you?” He just spilled the words, like they were like any other confession. As if it was no different than confessing he liked Isak, and maybe it wasn’t any different, because Isak wasn’t that shocked. He seemed startled, his lips parting in surprise, and he brought out an, “oh?”, but he didn’t scream or run away, and that was good.

Even let their noses rub together, and Isak didn’t pull away or tell him that it was wrong for Even to feel that way. He let it be, let Even hum against his lips before he found the words, “yeah. I am. Faen, I’m falling for you hard, Isak.” And that made Isak’s hand curl tighter around Even’s neck while he dragged him down, kissed him harder and deeper, and this was exactly why Even felt the way he did.

When Even’s elbow started to hurt he flipped them over, pulled Isak half on top of him, and Isak kept his lips attached to his as if they belonged there, not breaking away until he really needed to take a breath. But even then he didn’t go far away, he stayed on top of Even, let his fingers graze over Even’s chest. “Happy freaking birthday to me,” Isak laughed breathlessly, and yeah, happy birthday to the most beautiful boy in the universe.

…

They ate and drank and talked and kissed. They held hands, brushed their fingers through each other’s hair and chased each other to the water. It was a perfect day, more perfect than Even could have dreamt up, and when the sun started settig in the twilight sky, Isak lay back down on the blanket. “Even?” He asked, his hands behind his head and his eyes on the sunset.

Even was sitting with his legs folded beneath himself and his notebook on his left knee. He had been drawing their surroundings for over the past twenty minutes, wanting to remember this day forever, but he looked up when Isak called out his name, “yeah?”

“Thank you, for today,” The boy told him, eyes meeting Even’s for a moment before he looked back up, “I think this was the best birthday I’ve ever had.” Something about him looked fragile, the way the sun turned his face baby yellow, his curls golden and his lashes casting shadows on his cheekbones, and Even stopped drawing trees and flipped a page before he put his pencil to paper again. “I’m glad it was good,” he answered.

There was a short moment of silence, but Isak had more to share than that. “I remember my fifth birthday,” He started as Even drew the lines of the boy’s body, “I have no other memories from when I was that age, but I remember my birthday, because I got a bike. I got a bike that didn’t have any side wheels to support it,” Isak chuckled at his own story, and when Even looked up from his paper he saw the boy was smiling, “and my dad, he wanted to help me ride it so bad, he wanted to be the one that got to push me once I had enough speed.”  

Isak sounded nostalgic, like he was right back on that bike with his father helping him, for a moment being five years old again. “And when he did, for a few seconds I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like I was flying, like I could conquer anything, and then I fell,” there was a hint of disappointment there. “I hit my elbow on the ground and it fractured one of the bones in my arm. So I spent my fifth birthday in a stupid hospital room where they had to pull my bones back into place.”

Even paused his drawing and frowned at Isak, “oh, that sucks,” he mumbled, “was the bike okay at least?” And Isak cocked an eyebrow, “yes, it was, thank you for caring about my arm.” And Even rolled his eyes to show he hadn’t meant it that way.

“The point is,” Isak went on, “my birthdays have always been kind of haunted, or so they felt. There was always something. Like on my twelfth birthday my sister didn’t come home. I remember how it was a Saturday and Lea had been allowed to go out with some friends the night before, because a club nearby had a night especially for sixteen year olds. But then she didn’t come home.”

The only reason Even didn’t freak out over this was because he knew how Isak’s sister was still alive, but he could understand where this story was going. “We found out she had gone over to a friend’s house to spend the night there and all was good, she wasn’t hurt or anything, but all day my parents were making a fuss of what she had done and they were telling all the family members about it, which was why the day kind of sucked for me. But today,” Isak laughed just as Even was working on his smile, sketching the outline of it, “you made today all about me.”

Even finally put aside his notebook, knowing he’d finish all the details later, and he crawled over to where Isak was lying so he could look at him better, “well,” he argued, “you deserve it, every last bit of it.” He poked Isak’s arm and looked at where their bodies were touching, “I mean, you help me more than you will probably ever know, so it’s also a bit of a thank you.”

Isak looked like he had questions about that, like he was worried about what Even meant with it, but he didn’t ask and Even was thankful for that. Instead he asked, “do you have the time?” and Even leaned over to pick up his phone, “uh, it’s 21:12, why? Do you want to go back?”

But Isak sat up, shaking his head at Even, “no.” He started to get up, pushing the blanket off his shoulders. Even stared at him in confusion and it wasn’t until he was standing that he got what Isak was doing, because Isak was taking off his shirt as he said, “I was born on June twenty first at twenty-one minutes past nine, or better said: twenty-one twenty-one.” Off went his shorts, and when he reached for his underwear he added, “I plan to spend that moment naked the way I was when I was born, so I’m going skinny dipping.”

And without further ado he got rid of his underwear and started making his way down to the water. Even watched him walk away, watched the curve of his body, from his waist down to his ass, and then Isak reached the water. It splashed around his ankles as he walked in, and he made a whooping sound as he fell in completely, keeping his head above up. “Fuck, it’s much colder now,” he complained, and Even laughed at him.

Even laughed and pushed himself up too, following Isak’s example by taking off his shirt, because Isak sure as hell wasn’t going to spend that moment alone. Even pulled down his pants and underwear in one go and he rushed down to the water too. Isak was hooting and splashing water Even’s way as he kept himself afloat, and Even jumped in the same way Isak had.

When his head came up again he gasped and cursed, “fuck, you’re right,” and Isak just wouldn’t stop laughing. His face was all scrunched up from his smile, eyes squeezed shut slightly, and Even wouldn’t mind drowning if it meant that Isak’s smile would be the last thing he’d see.

But Isak wasn’t going to let him. His boyfriend swam up to him, wanting to get closer, and then their hands hit each other under water. Rather than swimming away, Isak took a hold of Even’s hand and let their fingers entwine. Something to hold on to.

Even could feel the water was still rather shallow at this point, and he was glad he had a few inches on Isak so he could actually stand in it. Isak though, Isak was floating, turning on his back so the soft waves would tug on him, moving him back and forth, and Even squeezed the hand in his, made Isak turn his face just as a wave hit and it caused water to go down his boyfriend’s nose.

Isak spluttered, coughing due to the water in his lungs, and Even instinctively pulled him closed to help, even if he couldn’t do much. When they were close enough to touch, his boyfriend let go of his hand and instead folded his arms around Even’s neck. And Even’s hands found Isak’s hips, and then his legs, and they wrapped around Even’s waist as he tried to hold on. It was slightly warmer now that they were pressed closely together, but most of all he was glad it allowed Isak to take a breather.

And Isak looked cute with his hair stuck to his forehead and drops of water hanging on his eyelashes. He was still coughing from time to time, wiping his eyes constantly to get the water to go, but then he calmed down enough to actually look at Even.

Even had already been staring, but now he couldn’t look away. For the sun’s light was blinding, but kept Isak’s face bathing in light, and his green eyes were even greener now that his face was surrounded by the darkness of the water and his wet hair. And Isak was staring at Even too, the same way Even was staring at him, and they were just there, just existing together. With Isak’s arms around his neck and Even’s hands on the small of Isak’s back, and Even was drowning, but not in water.

“About,” Isak spoke up, water dripping down his lips, “about what you said earlier,” he paused, almost as if to make sure Even knew what he was talking about before he continued, “me too.” The sound of the water was the only thing around them. Him too. And Even knew exactly what he was referring to, there could only be one thing he was referring to, and the shock of Isak’s words almost made his knees give in.

They held though, they held by the sheer force of the kiss that followed Isak’s words, and Even wanted to scream. He wanted to scream until his lungs would die out from lack of air, because this was real. This day, these words, these kisses, they were all real. This wasn’t some fantasy, this wasn’t Even hoping for better times, because these were the better times.

Isak was his and he was Isak’s, and it sent a million shivers down his spine, made the salty water taste sweet, and if Isak would let him, he swore he would never let go of him. “I’ll catch you,” He promised Isak’s lips, he promised Isak’s cheek and his neck. He pushed the words into the skin of Isak’s back, trailed them down his spine, and with every touch he loved him more.

 

 

\---

_12| Ecstasy_

 

_Even felt it was risky, his thoughts made him bite his lip, but he wanted. He wanted to make Isak feel the way he felt, he wanted it so badly that his skin was itching, and he caved easily, “now, it is best to sleep it off, which you are going to do for the rest of the day, but first…” Even pulled back the covers, exposing all of Isak’s body, “first I am going to wear you out.”_

_Isak forced his eyes open and he stared at Even in confusion, not getting the point of what Even was saying. “What?” the boy asked, and Even stood up to close the blinds for him. It would be a lot easier to keep his eyes open if the sun wasn’t warming his face. Not that he’d need them open, but still, in case he wanted to._

_“Remember our shower yesterday?” Even asked, his voice a little scratchy, “well, if your knees felt weak then, then I am sure as hell going to make you feel like putty now.”_

(aka the morning after the night out with Jonas)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing these 5 short scenes so much. Wanted to give you an insight in whatever going on besides the main events of Isak's pov, but through Even's eyes. Especially loved the birthday one, hope you did too <3  
> Anyway, about 12... Some have been telling me to just go all out with my smut, and I kind of have?? As far as felt comfortable for me? So be aware that Wednesday you will receive smut that isn't per se more explicit, but it's less innocent for sure.  
> okay bYE


	13. 12| Ecstasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Will it make my hangover go away?” he asked then, sounding genuinely curious, and Even shrugged in reply. “Maybe,” He started, “it has never been proven, but when you get drunk your body creates these proteins that send signals to your cells and they can cause tissue to inflame. If that happens, you get a hangover. It’s basically like an attack on your immune system,” He explained as he let his hands slide down Isak’s arms, “now when you get an orgasm, hormones are released into your body and one of those hormones is anti-inflammatory and can therefore help speed up the healing process. Also, did you know that-“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! There will be rimming in this chapter, so if that is not your cup of tea just stop reading before the kisses go down South :----)

**12| Ecstasy**

 

 

There was only one thing better than waking up next to Isak and that was waking up next to Isak after a drunken, high night out, completely wrapped up in each other. He still felt slightly fuzzy around the edges, but in a satisfied way without being hungover, and that feeling in combination with his skin pressed against Isak’s, that was the most perfect way to wake up.

His nose was pressed into Isak’s hair, his arm wrapped around Isak’s waist, and they were both naked, but that was a thing that happened so often that by now it would be strange if they wouldn’t be. His boyfriend was still asleep in his arms, his chest rising and falling with every breath he took, and Even felt lost. He felt lost, because nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to this feeling, and Even would be ruined forever if Isak were to ever let go of him.

And for a moment, just a moment, he let himself think of Jannick and the way he had lost himself there too, but it was only now that he realised how different that had been. Being with Jannick had felt like getting lost in a maze where monsters had been hidden away, ready to pop up and attack whenever he’d least expect it. This though, being with Isak, it felt like sinking into a bed of clouds, seeing nothing but white and feeling nothing but softness and tranquillity.

It was unfair to compare Jannick to Isak, because although they had both been blessed with beauty, Isak had been blessed with a heart. Isak could read him like a book, picked up on any small changes in his mood and rather than deciding what was best for himself, Isak always decided on what was best for them. Because they were Isak and Even now. Jannick, well Jannick had been a blind motherfucker whose main trait was arrogance. Comparing him to Isak would be like comparing a goose to a swan.

But Even had noticed a change in himself since he had been with Isak, more specifically since the night Isak had reassured him that Even didn’t need to be anything he didn’t want to be. It had made him let go, had made him take things a little slower, and at first that had been hard. The first night after that night, the one that marked the two full days Even had gone without having sex with Isak, it had felt wrong. It had felt like he was a disappointment, but Isak had still kissed him and had still smiled at him, and he had made sure Even knew that Isak wanted him no less than before.

And from that moment on things had changed, it had been like a cloak that he had worn around his shoulders had been unwrapped, like he finally got to breathe in his own skin again. It had been Isak who had kissed him, three nights after their talk, and he had kissed Even desperately. And Even had felt like it had been up to him to decide whether he wanted to kiss back or not and rather than it being led by one of them, they had both reached out to touch at the same time. It had been the first experience where Even had felt like this wasn’t just one of them deciding to take it further; it had been a shared desire.

Even knew now that whenever Isak was begging for more, he was giving Even the chance to say no. Even knew, because he had tried it once, had wanted to make sure Isak hadn’t been lying to him. So one afternoon, where he had been lying on Isak’s bed while working on a storyboard for one of his classes, Isak had flopped down next to him only to start leaving kisses in Even’s neck, and Even had bundled up his courage and said, “not now. I’m working.”

Isak had whined at him, sounding slightly annoyed that he wouldn’t be getting what he wanted, and Even had felt himself slip in that moment. He had felt himself fall and had been ready to give in the way he was so used to doing. Part of him had even been scared that Isak would take the sketchbook from him so he could throw it against the wall and could flip Even over to just fucking take what he wanted, but that hadn’t happened. Isak wasn’t like that. He had whined, sure, but then he had rolled over onto his back next to Even and said, “but you look so good with that concentrated look on your face,” and then, “what are you working on?”

And that had been it. That had been all. He had rolled back to look over Even’s shoulder, their feet tangling up as they lay close, and they had spent an hour talking about Even’s assignment. And all of that, all those little moments where Isak showed him just how different he was from Jannick, all of that helped Even to deal with his pain. It had given him back the pleasure of being with someone so intimately, because with Isak he was always left feeling like another piece of him had been reborn. Like with every soft touch, with every kiss to his skin, Isak was healing him bit by bit.

Even pressed a kiss to Isak’s neck now, and then the piece of skin behind his ear that wasn’t covered by his hair, and Isak sighed deeply in his sleep. The gods had blessed him, they truly had. And Even was aware of the fact that they had a whole load of shit to deal with together. Isak had his mother, he had his coming out to go through, and Even had his parents and his bipolarity, but he also had hope. He had hope Isak would be able to support him, he had hope the boy wouldn’t leave him.

Sure, Isak’s response to the question whether he could see himself dating someone who was like his mother had been anything but ideal, but he hadn’t said he wouldn’t, he hadn’t said he hated people with mental illnesses. He had only said he didn’t know enough about what it would be like to judge. If only he knew that he was experiencing it first-hand now.

Even wasn’t stupid, he had picked up on how it was getting harder to control his emotions. He had been going up and down for a while now and he knew he probably shouldn’t drink as much or smoke as much, but it was hard not to. It was hard keeping up a healthy lifestyle if it made the pain that much more unbearable. But he would get there, with Isak he would. He just hoped another episode would wait a little longer so that he could tell Isak about it while he was still okay, which evidently meant he would have to tell Isak soon.

Soon, but not today.

The boy in his arms stirred and turned onto his back while he stretched, and Even’s smile grew just that bit more when Isak opened his eyes and looked at him. “Good morning, beautiful,” he told his boyfriend, knowing it was cheesy, but it was the freaking truth too, and Even wasn’t going to hold back the truth. Isak’s eyes closed again, but the corners of his mouth curled upwards and that was enough.

Even brought up the hand that had been around Isak’s waist and he used it to push some of his boyfriend’s hair from his face, “did you sleep well? Are you hungover?” The words made Isak’s groan and his face turned almost sour, which was enough of an answer for Even. “My head feels like someone played football with it all night and then screwed it back on,” Isak chuckled, and Even loved how no matter how bad he felt, Isak would always crack jokes.

Even sat up some more and then leaned over to kiss Isak’s forehead, “let me get you some advil.” He crawled out of bed, feeling chilly now he was no longer so close to Isak’s body, and he made his way over to his bathroom to rummage through all the pills in his mirror’s cupboard. He very sternly ignored his medication, which was on the same shelf, and went for the advil instead.

Then he padded over to his kitchen, seeing Isak on his bed spread out like a starfish with his eyes closed, and Even smiled while he filled a glass with water. He knew what it was like to wake up the way Isak had, but he had needed to take care of himself on those mornings too many times to count. First with Jannick, where he would just leave Even to wake up alone, and then after that relationship, when he drank to make the pain disappear and feel a little less lonely.  

But today was a different day. Today Isak was in his bed, today Isak was hurting, and Even could take that away the same way Isak had done for him. So with advil in one hand and the glass of water in the other he slowly made his way back over to the bed. The glass was set down on the bedside table so Even could help Isak to sit up a little, a pillow propped up behind his back, and Even watched him open his eyes again for a second to look in Even’s direction. The sun was too bright though, which made him shut them again rather quickly.

“It’s okay,” Even spoke soothingly while he rubbed Isak’s upper leg, “just keep your eyes closed and don’t make any hasty moves. Now hold out your hand for me.” And Isak did as Even asked, he held out his hand and Even placed the advil in his palm, watched Isak put it in his mouth as Even reached for the glass. It took some help for Isak to find the glass, but then he took that too and swallowed down the painkiller.

“There you go,” Even whispered as he took back the glass from Isak and watched how his boyfriend slid down against the pillow again. And Even felt it was risky, his thoughts made him bite his lip, but he _wanted_. He wanted to make Isak feel the way he felt, he wanted it so badly that his skin was itching, and he caved easily, “now, it is best to sleep it off, which you are going to do for the rest of the day, but first…” Even pulled back the covers, exposing all of Isak’s body, “first I am going to wear you out.”

Isak forced his eyes open and he stared at Even in confusion, not getting the point of what Even was saying. “What?” the boy asked, and Even stood up to close the blinds for him. It would be a lot easier to keep his eyes open if the sun wasn’t warming his face. Not that he’d need them open, but still, in case he wanted to.

“Remember our shower yesterday?” Even asked, his voice a little scratchy, “well, if your knees felt weak then, then I am sure as hell going to make you feel like putty now.”

His boyfriend laughed at that, but it was cut off when he realised that laughter put extra pressure on the pain in his head, “really? I mean, you know how horny I get in the morning and all of that, but I really don’t see myself moving any time soon, baby.” And Even smiled as he turned back to Isak, walked up to the bed and crawled on top of him, “good thing you don’t have to do anything but lie here then.”

Even leaned down to kiss his lips and Isak let him, he answered the kiss by parting his lips, but when Even sat back again he frowned. “Will it make my hangover go away?” he asked then, sounding genuinely curious, and Even shrugged in reply. “Maybe,” He started, “it has never been proven, but when you get drunk your body creates these proteins that send signals to your cells and they can cause tissue to inflame. If that happens, you get a hangover. It’s basically like an attack on your immune system,” He explained as he let his hands slide down Isak’s arms, “now when you get an orgasm, hormones are released into your body and one of those hormones is anti-inflammatory and can therefore help speed up the healing process. Also, did you know that-“

“Yeah, yeah,” Isak’s hand settled on Even’s shoulder and he tried to tug on it, “stop talking and just kiss me then,” he huffed loudly. Even wouldn’t have to be told twice. He kissed Isak’s lips, soft at first just to see how well Isak could take it with the headache, but then it was Isak who deepened the kiss and Even felt assured that his boyfriend wasn’t against his idea. He had consent.

Even pushed his own body down Isak’s a little further, causing their hips to align and their cocks brush together, and Isak made a whiny sound against his lips that made Even break away. He stared down at Isak’s face to make sure he was okay, and Isak’s eyes were closed but his he was breathing loudly, lips parted and his tongue prodding out to lick them. While Even moved his hips again, creating friction, he asked his boyfriend, “do you have a safe word?”

“What?” There was astonishment in Isak’s voice that Even picked up on through the haze that was unmistakably clouding his mind. It had already travelled down south, but Even needed to make sure they got this settled, just in case. “A safe word,” Even repeated, “a word that you can use when you want me to stop. I only want to make sure that if you don’t like what I’m doing that you can stop me.”

Isak was quiet for a moment, and then his eyes opened so he could look up at Even. They stared at each other for a while, with Isak showing him nothing but acceptance and compassion while Even was searching for doubt, searching for any signs that could tell him Isak didn’t really want this, but Isak trusted him. He trusted Even and so there wasn’t any doubt, and the last thing Even wanted to do was break that.

“Addiction,” Isak muttered as he looked away from Even’s stare, apparently a little ashamed of it. His hands were on Even’s hips, resting loosely, and Even wet his lips as he let it land. “Addiction?” He asked, “why addiction?” and Isak stared at the curtains before he let his eyes fall shut.

For a moment Even thought Isak wasn’t going to answer him, but then he stammered a quiet, “because you’re my addiction.” It was fragile and nervous, but the words were clear.

Even was Isak’s addiction.

It almost seemed too ridiculous to be true, but then again Isak was Even’s addiction too. Even had gone from sex to alcohol and drugs, and then to love. Love was his addiction. It was in Isak’s eyes, his lips, his laugh and his skin. It was in his voice when he said Even’s name, in the palm of his hand and the tip of his fingers as their hands linked. And Even craved it, craved it more than anything else. So he understood.

“Alright,” Even whispered, leaning down to press their lips together lightly once more. Beautiful Isak, all his to kiss, all his to touch, “just close your eyes and don’t move. Feel.” He promised then and there that he would treat Isak the way he deserved to be treated, and he promised he wouldn’t hurt him. Even would do right by him, he swore to it.

Isak let his hands drop down from Even’s hips, placing them next to his body, and he closed his eyes as told, and Even felt slightly overwhelmed by the way Isak just gave up control for him. He had been in Isak’s position, he knew what it felt like to close your eyes and let yourself fall. There had been times where Even had gotten caught and there had been times where he had hit the ground, but he swore he’d catch Isak. He’d catch Isak every fucking time.

But although he had often been in Isak’s position, on the receiving end, he had never been the one to give this much. He had never been the one in control, the one who was able to decide what to do, and it was scary and new, but it was thrilling too. It made him realise how good he wanted Isak to feel, it made him want to do well, and that was how he knew that he was different from the one who had been on the giving end for him. He was different from Jannick because he cared about Isak more than he cared about himself. All he wanted to do was to show Isak love.

Even let their noses touch, let himself feel close to his boyfriend, and he closed his own eyes for a moment so he could. Isak was still patiently waiting for him to do what he wanted, and Even wished he had any experience with this, wished he knew what would make Isak tremble and fall apart beneath his hands, but all he could do was try. He could stick to the things he knew.

He let their lips connect, a feather light touch, and then moved his mouth down to Isak’s chin. He left a kiss there too before he trailed a whole bunch of them across Isak’s skin up to his ear. Isak was breathing with his lips parted, and he tipped his head back when Even’s tongue traced the outline of his ear before he let his teeth tug on the lobe.

The pace of Isak’s breathing quickened, and Even made good use of the fact that Isak’s head was tilted back by leaving a trail of hot kisses down to his Adam’s apple, where he paused before he pressed his lips to Isak’s skin. He could feel the boy swallow, his lips moving along as Isak’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and Even had to swallow himself too.

His nose came to rest in the dip between Isak’s collar bones and his neck, and he breathed him in slowly. Isak smelled like alcohol and sweat, a reminder of their night out, and Even absolutely loved it. They had danced together, they had ground together on the dance floor, and he had felt like his skin would catch on fire. And it felt that way again now, with Isak beneath him so submissively. It was such a turn on that Even had to push up his hips into the air in order not to let Isak know just how hot it was to have him like this.

The kisses tailed further down Isak’s chest and when Even reached Isak’s belly button he sat up again, his ass against Isak’s thighs. The loss of touch made his boyfriend shiver and a tiny whine left his lips again, cutting through the silence. He kept his eyes closed though, and Even could tell he was trying to stay relaxed, which was good. Because if he thought Even would be done with him any time soon he was wrong.

Even used the very tip of his fingers to trace Isak’s left collar bone and then let them move on past Isak’s shoulder, down his arm, until he reached his hand. He let their fingers entwine and at the same time, he brought up his free hand to draw a straight line down Isak’s chest, until he reached his hipbones. Isak gasped and he visibly held his breath, his ribs outlined through his skin, as Even’s fingers moved right past his cock, never quite touching. It made Even smirk and he wanted to step it up a notch, see how Isak’s reaction would change.

As Even squeezed Isak’s right hand in his left, the other moved back up to grab Isak’s chin, and Even turned Isak’s face sideways in order to get his neck on display. Then he pressed a hot, open mouthed kiss to the skin of his boyfriend’s neck, a warning touch, before he let his teeth scrape across Isak’s neck, tenderly biting down on his skin. His boyfriend moaned at that, it was a soft sound, but it was there, and Even intended on getting him to be louder.

But not until he had kissed every part of Isak’s body, had touched every inch of smooth skin he could reach. He wanted Isak to lie there feeling completely spineless and then he wanted to make him fucking lose his mind.

And so Even moved, crawled in between Isak’s legs, and the loss of friction made Isak ball his hands into fists at his sides. Isak’s thighs quivered as Even touched them, as he let his hands move to the boy’s knees and then his calves, and in one swift move Even pulled at Isak’s ankles to get his knees up, feet flat on the mattress. Even settled between Isak’s spread legs, and this time he let his fingers move up instead of down. He could feel Isak’s muscles move beneath his touch even though the boy was trying to stay still, and it made Even smile.

But enough teasing now. Even wanted more.

He took in the view for a moment, the way Isak was still lying still with his arms next to him, his knees at Even’s sides, and his eyes closed. He looked stunning, like a masterpiece too beautiful to ever do justice in his drawings. Nothing would compare to the real image, and Even realised once again how lucky he was to have him, not just in his bed, but in every other way too. They were Isak and Even. Even and Isak. Them.

Even could feel his own hands were trembling as he bent over, placed next to Isak’s hips, and pressed a single kiss to the middle of Isak’s chest, just to let him know where he was. Then his mouth moved to the side, soft kisses slowly turning dirtier, until his tongue flicked out over Isak’s right nipple. He felt it harden instantly, could tell the way it made Isak arch his back, and as Even blew out cold air against it, Isak let out that tiny moan again. He wondered if anyone had ever done this to Isak before, because it didn’t feel that way.

And Even wanted, he wanted him so badly, he wanted to hold Isak down and push into him, he wanted to hear him moan his freaking name. He wanted to thrust so deep that Isak wouldn’t know how to shut up, he wanted to hear their skin slapping together, but no. No, they weren’t ready. Even wasn’t really ready for that. But he thought about it, he longed for him like that.

Instead he took the second pillow that he had used for the night and got it between Isak’s legs while he kissed his way down Isak’s chest again. He crawled backwards as he did, creating more space, and then he told Isak, “lift your hips.” And after nothing but a single heartbeat, Isak lifted his hips for him so Even could get the pillow underneath him. With it, Isak’s hips were tilted upwards now, his thighs quivering from the slight strain it caused on his legs, and Even allowed him to place his feet in such a way that it wasn’t uncomfortable.

He watched Isak open his eyes while he made his way down between his boyfriend’s legs, his stomach on the mattress and feet dangling off the edge of the bed, his face between Isak’s legs and his arms around his thighs. Isak met his eyes as he moved his hands up to rest next to his head, fingers gripping the edges of his pillow. It was as if he was asking Even for permission, but this wasn’t about _that_. This wasn’t about Isak being so submissive that he wasn’t allowed to move or speak unless Even told him to, and Even hoped he knew that.

“You’re so beautiful,” Even told him as he kissed the inside of Isak’s thigh, and Isak wanted to laugh but the sound was dry and tense. Even could tell how hard Isak was just from that sound, he didn’t even need to look. And Even knew, he knew how kisses were enough to make you long for so much more, he knew how soft touches were enough to shoot sparks down to your groin, and now Isak knew too.

The boy’s tongue darted out to lick his parched lips and he kept his eyes on Even’s, just watching his every move. It made Even feel a little anxious, as if he was being judged for this, but he closed his eyes and told himself that Isak was different. Isak was different and Even had control. Both of them could stop this if either of them wanted to.

Even kissed the same spot he had done a minute before, halfway down Isak’s thigh, but he kept going down until he was kissing the crease between Isak’s thigh and his crotch, letting his breathing ghost over Isak’s cock. The trembling in Isak’s legs returned, and Even loved how they gave away how his boyfriend felt. But the teasing was over now.

Even took the head of Isak’s cock in his mouth, and Isak hadn’t expected it, but Even loved the way it made his boyfriend gasp somewhere above him. He got him wet, tongued at the slit, and as Even placed a hand against the ridge of Isak’s ribcage he could feel how heavy his breathing was. He knew he could make Isak come like that, just from this, but it wasn’t how he wanted Isak to fall apart. He wanted to see how far Isak would go, how much he would be able to take and how much he would let Even do to him. It was why he took off his mouth before Isak could thrust up into him, and why he held his boyfriend down by his hips as he licked a stripe down to his balls.

He moved his tongue back and forth down Isak’s length for a while, giving his boyfriend time to use his safeword if he wasn’t into this, but Isak kept quiet, which gave Even every reason not to stop himself from going down further. And as Isak exhaled loudly, Even got his tongue to make a constant figure eight move around his balls, while his hand came up to cup them, and trailing the very tip along the seam was enough to make Isak actually move his hips this time.

Even paused, waiting for Isak to settle back on the pillow, and then he continued, spending a minute listening to Isak’s rigid breathing before he had to pull back so he could smile. He kissed the inside of Isak’s thigh once more, turning his head enough to check his boyfriend’s face as he asked him, “you okay?”

Isak’s eyes were squeezed shut, and he kept them that way too, but he nodded. He nodded vigorously and brought out a weak sounding, “yeah.” It was clear that Isak was far gone already, his hangover long forgotten, and Even hoped that dipping even lower wouldn’t make Isak freak out on him.

He made sure he had a good grip on Isak’s hips when he lowered his face again, and he licked his lips, made sure his mouth was wet enough, and pressed his tongue to the skin right below Isak’s scrotum. He flattened it and then rolled it, giving Isak something to get used to and he knew that if Isak would get freaked out by this it would all be over rather soon, but for now Isak wasn’t moving. He wasn’t making any noise either, which left Even to think that Isak was just kind of taking it all in and letting himself feel. It was why Even retreated one hand from his boyfriend’s hips and replaced his tongue with one of his knuckles.

He let his knuckle put pressure on the perineum, moving it in circles and changing direction every so often. Isak was still lying still, his eyes still closed, but he brought out a, “what are you doing?” There was curiosity in his voice, mixed with uncertainty, and Even completely understood why, but Isak _knew_. Isak knew what he was doing.

“I know it may seem weird,” Even spoke as he looked up to see Isak was now staring down at him with wide eyes, “but trust me. I know what I’m doing.” And Isak didn’t seem to doubt that, but he was blinking very fast and he averted his eyes, spoke quietly, “that place is not for-“ “Do you trust me?” Even interrupted him, not wanting to hear the end of the question.

Isak’s eyes moved back to his, and they screamed that of course he did, why would Even question such a thing? So Even added, “you’ve got your safeword, and you’ve got my word that I’ll stop if you don’t like it. You can use it right now, or you can let me show you the reason why people do this.”

For a moment Isak was unmoving, but then he threw back his head in the pillow, and Even watched him swallow and close his eyes again. It was permission. It was Isak agreeing to go through with this, it was Isak not using his safeword on him, and Even placed kisses all over his leg with his heart beating in his throat. Okay, fuck, he could do this. Jannick had always loved this so Even knew he was damn good at it. But being damn good at it wasn’t the point right now.

He inched closer, his shoulders coming up to rest against the back of Isak’s thighs, and he used his hands to get Isak’s legs up over his shoulders, “cross them at the ankle,” he told Isak, and after a beat of silence, Isak obeyed.

Then Even pushed at Isak’s knees to get his hips to tilt that much further, opening him up to Even, and he looked up once more to see how Isak had thrown an arm over his face and was biting on his lower lip. He looked beautiful that way, and Even would make him come apart at the seams, he would.

Even swirled his tongue around in his mouth, making sure it would be wet enough and then he parted his lips and pressed it flat against Isak’s hole. And for a moment the world seemed to stop, because Isak wasn’t moving whatsoever, and Even didn’t hear any gasps or heavy breathing. Isak was quiet and he was still, and Even was aware that the first touch always felt weird, because it felt unnatural and so intimate, he remembered that from his first time, but if you waited just slightly longer that feeling would change.

So when Isak didn’t protest or use his safeword after that first touch, Even slowly let his tongue move until the tip was all that was touching his boyfriend’s skin. And then the world started turning again, because above him Isak was letting out this sound that just lasted and lasted and although Even didn’t know how to read it, it wasn’t Isak’s safeword, and so he didn’t pull away.

He started leaving open mouthed kisses, letting his tongue brush over skin every time, and Isak was perfect, he was perfect in every way. He softly blew cold air against Isak’s skin when he gave his jaw a break, knowing it would make the boy shiver, and he felt his boyfriend’s hand come up in his hair as he did. That was a good sign, that didn’t mean he felt uncomfortable.

And so Even continued, he kept on kissing Isak there until he was whining and begging for more, and Even knew what he wanted. He knew what it was like, how it would make fireworks go off in your stomach until you were ready for more. Isak wanted more stimulation, of course, but Even wouldn’t give him that just yet.

He dared to take it one tiny step further, though. He dared to push his tongue into Isak just a tiny bit, twirling it slightly to set every nerve on fire, and there it was. Finally, and louder than before. Isak moaned a rather vulgar, “god,” while his grip on Even’s hair tightened. And Even did it again, wanting to see what more he could provoke, and this time Isak’s other hand slammed into the mattress. And so he did it again, and again, and Isak was panting into the pillow now, dying for more, his body begging.

Even had done this before, which was why it was easy to get his hand around Isak’s leg so he could curl his fingers around Isak’s aching, leaking cock while he worked his tongue in and out, in and out. And it was enough to make his boyfriend break and surrender. Isak was scratching his nails over the bedding, arching his back so far off the bed that his head was barely touching the pillow anymore and a slurring mantra of, “Even, Even, EvenEvenEven,” left his mouth.

It wasn’t long before Isak’s breathing stocked, before his words turned into silence, and Even knew what that meant. By the time he realised it, Isak was coming over his own stomach, his hips finally twitching as he tried to ride it out, and Even felt victorious because he did that.

When he looked up, Isak’s skin was turning red from his neck up, and his legs fell from Even’s shoulders. He was no longer spineless, he was fucking boneless, with his chest rising and falling rapidly as his eyes opened to look at Even. The look in them showed fascination and wonder, and Even wanted to get up there and kiss him, so he did.

He crawled up on the mattress, fell down next to Isak and kissed him lazily, and Isak let him. Despite where his mouth had just been, Isak let him kiss him, and it may just be the best kiss he had shared with Isak so far. It was loving and tender, so soft Even felt himself melt a little too, and god was he hard too.

“People are crazy,” Isak gasped when Even pulled back just so he could look at his boyfriend. Isak was still looking at him in awe, like he couldn’t grasp what had just happened, and he laughed breathlessly, “they are out of their minds, but in a good way.” It made Even smile back at him, glad that he had been able to prove Isak wrong. And by the way Isak pressed himself against Even’s side, he had done more than that.

There was a content smile gracing his face and his eyes fell shut as he promised, “I’ll make it up to you later, but you did wear me out and now I need sleep.” And Even pressed a kiss to Isak’s head, not even bothered by his own hardness, “that’s okay.” He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, made himself comfortable too, “did it help a little? How are you feeling now?” he asked quietly.

And Isak didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t move either. He stayed pressed to Even’s side, holding on to him tightly, but he murmured an answer that made Even’s heart stop beating for a full minute, “I feel like I’m yours. Feel like you made me yours.”

And that was that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello loversss. Pleased to let you know this will not be the last bit of smut you'll get from me.   
> Also love how I've written 8k of words today and am literally no closer to getting around to new chapters because I keep making stuff longer and longer. It needs to stop or I will NEVER finish.   
> Anyway, this was kinda cruel I guess, knowing last Monday. It was meant to be :----)  
> If you didn't like the smut, pls just don't comment, it's making me feel awkward enough as it is!


	14. 13| Paranoia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What’s going on?” She asked when she pulled back and looked up at Even’s eyes, and Even turned his head away so he could look at the couch again. Magnus was watching him, and Isak wasn’t, Isak was watching Magnus. Magnus, well, his eyes turned wide and then he looked away again just as quickly, and Even could tell he had started talking from the way his lips were moving. He was still too close in Isak’s space, and Even told Vilde, “please tell me I’m not going crazy. Please tell me that Magnus isn’t flirting with my boyfriend.”

**13| Paranoia**

 

 

Life was good. Life was perfect. Life was Isak Valtersen and a whole bunch of kisses, and Even loved it. He loved everything they did together, and he loved losing track of time even if it meant they had to hurry to get to the O.V.A get-together. Even was always late and no one would ask him any questions about why he was. Isak on the other hand, Isak felt the pressure.

“Fuck, fuck, we’re so late,” his boyfriend cried out as he stumbled to get his shoes on, and Even was waiting at the door, already done himself. He knew his hair looked like he had just woken up, but he could pull it off and so he hadn’t bothered. All he had done was throw on some clothes and be done with it.

“Relax, it’s just a party,” He told Isak, “if it was anything serious you wouldn’t have been there, because you’re still a newbie,” Even promised, and he pulled Isak close as the boy made his way over, kissing him a final time before he opened the door for them. That part was almost tradition now. They’d always kiss right before going out into the real world, the world where they weren’t public. Soon though.

Isak rushed down the stairs, but Even reached to clasp his shoulder, “not too fast, you’ll draw attention to us,” he spoke, referring to both the club and them as a couple, and whichever reason Isak thought up, it made him slow down. “Fine, but if they complain, I’ll tell them we decided to walk there together and you ended up being late, so,” Isak sounded a little grumpy, but there was a smile on his face and so Even relaxed, realising he was only teasing.

It was rather quiet outside, people having left campus to retreat to pubs and their rooms hours ago, and it was still sunny and warm. It was the perfect time for a walk, no matter how short, and Even couldn’t help but turn his head to look at Isak’s face from time to time. The golden glow that shone on them reminded him of the night of Isak’s birthday, which was always a pleasant memory to recall, and it left him itching to touch.

To stop the itch he got out a cigarette, knowing he needed a reason to stay out a little longer anyway, and Isak picked up on it instantly. He had been watching too. “What are you doing?” he asked before he snatched the cigarette from Even’s lips and brought it to his own. Even watched him inhale, couldn’t help but smile at the way Isak blew out the smoke, and when his boyfriend returned the cigarette he shrugged, “well, I suppose it will get very suspicious if we keep showing up to things together. So I’ll stay behind for a smoke while you go in already. They’re used to me being late so no one will notice.”

Isak turned to him at the door, and he looked beautifully powerful as he crossed his arms and spurred the way for them. There was disbelief in his face, but it was only fleeting, before he understood what Even was saying. Then there was a flash of guilt and Even figured that had to do with the fact that Isak felt like it was his fault, like he was hurting Even by making him wait for Isak to be ready enough to go public, but that wasn’t true. Even would wait as long as he had to, as long as Isak was his, because that was all that mattered.

It wasn’t always easy, like when Isak reached out for his hand and squeezed it. It wasn’t easy to hear him say, “how attentive of you, baby,” his voice soft and his smile perfect, and all Even wanted was to lean in and kiss him. The words made him cough on the smoke he had just inhaled, his eyes watering slightly, but he squeezed back to let Isak know. God, did Isak know? Did he understand how this was torture? How it made him want to turn and drag Isak back to his room? “Call me that one more time and I’ll out you right here, right now,” He warned.

His words made Isak pull his hand from Even’s grip and there was this playfulness in his eyes that Even didn’t trust. But Isak didn’t say anything, in fact he turned around to the door in silence and slipped inside without a word. The door closed between them and Isak turned to look at him through the window, his eyes still as lively and daring, and it turned out he wasn’t done with this yet.

Isak put his hand against the glass, pretending to be one of those chicks from a romantic movie that were saying goodbye to their lovers, and he mouthed a clear, “bye baby.” There were sparks in his eyes before he ran off, just in case Even would really follow him, but Even didn’t. He was left standing there, startled and reminded once again of what he loved about Isak. The boy never just gave him what he wanted, he’d always test him, and Even laughed breathlessly as he shook his head and turned back to the yard.

He was lucky, damn lucky, that Isak had decided it was Even he was into. He could have been with anyone, he could have picked someone so much more put-together than Even, someone more in the shadows. Isak could have the perfect guy, yet he had fallen for Even. It was still a little hard to believe that at times.

What was most difficult was to stop comparing Isak to Jannick. Even knew they weren’t the same, but he always kept thinking that one day he’d end up being just as hurt. There were still times where he couldn’t stop thinking about how Jannick had seemed to be settling for him too, before it had all turned out to be a lie.

Every moment they had been apart, Jannick had been talking to his lover back home. Every night after he left Even in bed alone, he had called someone else and called her ‘baby’ the way he had called Even ‘baby’ only an hour earlier. When it came to cheating, Even was as blind as a bat. For all he knew Isak could be doing the same, but those were dangerous thoughts to have, and so far Even had been able to push them away rather easily. Isak wouldn’t be saying the things he was saying, he wouldn’t be doing the things he was doing, if he didn’t at least have feelings for Even. That knowledge was enough for him to hold on.

Even spent the entirety of him finishing his cigarette trying to remind himself of every reason why Isak was different from Jannick, of why he was only being an idiot thinking about this. Then he shook it off and walked inside. Tonight he had to put back on the leadership mask, had to hide himself away a little more, until he would be allowed to leave with Isak again. He was okay with that though, because sometimes it was just easier to pretend to be someone else for a while.

A ton of people greeted him when he walked in, all of their ‘hey, Even!’s getting lost as soon as he heard them, because he was looking for Isak. He wanted to see his boy, his love, smiling in the crowd. He wanted to see his face and for all the thoughts that had just popped up to fade away. Even found him on one of the couches, with that Magnus guy leaning into him far too closely. And that- that did anything but make his thoughts fade away.

It made Even pause in his tracks, and he stared at the way Magnus had a hand on Isak’s shoulder and his mouth was at Isak’s ear. It should look innocent, it should make Even think that it was just because the music was so loud, just two friends having fun, but he couldn’t stop that nerve-wracking feeling of jealousy from settling in his gut.

He looked away, forced himself to, and spotted Vilde in the crowd. She was talking excitedly, and Even needed her, he needed her to tell him he was going crazy. He needed it now. The moment she spotted his face, she stopped talking to the girl that had been next to her and she stepped away.

“Excuse me,” he could hear her say, and then Even was there with her and Vilde hugged him, arms around his waist and her head against his chest. She could tell something was up, of course she could, Even was sure his face was an open book at this point.

“What’s going on?” She asked when she pulled back and looked up at Even’s eyes, and Even turned his head away so he could look at the couch again. Magnus was watching him, and Isak wasn’t, Isak was watching Magnus. Magnus, well, his eyes turned wide and then he looked away again just as quickly, and Even could tell he had started talking from the way his lips were moving. He was still too close in Isak’s space, and Even told Vilde, “please tell me I’m not going crazy. Please tell me that Magnus isn’t flirting with my boyfriend.”

Vilde’s smile disappeared, a frown taking its place, and she turned her head too. They both watched Isak lean in to whisper in Magnus’s ear. Even felt this rage, this want to tear them apart and tell Magnus to fuck off, but Vilde took his hand and brought him out of it, “oh, Even,” she said, and she was smiling. “I think it’s just because of the music, it’s easier to talk that way. I wouldn’t worry so much,” she promised, her voice sounding so sure, but it wasn’t really enough.

She could tell by looking at him that this wasn’t as easy to let go of, and so she rubbed his arm and smiled even brighter, “Even... I’ve seen him with you, I see the way he looks at you. There is no way, no fucking way in hell, that Magnus means anything whatsoever. Stop your thoughts before things go wrong. You’re seeing things that don’t exist.”

Those words helped some, they helped him remember that others could see it too, the way Even felt. Others could see the way Isak felt too, and because Vilde knew about them, she had been watching. So maybe he should believe her, he sure knew he shouldn’t always trust his own mind, but the most difficult thing to ignore was his instinct. And his instinct was telling him that life was being cruel on him.

It was so fucking hilarious too, how Even had just been thinking about how lucky he was to have Isak, only for like to go ‘oh, really? You thought wrong!’ It was cruel and he hated it, he hated how he could never just be fucking normal. For once he just wanted to be able to shake it off. If Vilde was saying he was losing it, then surely he was. He just couldn’t make it go away.

Then Vilde bumped his arm with her elbow, and he looked up to see Mikael coming towards them. “Vilde, Even,” He greeted them when he joined them, and he held out a beer for Even to take. And Even had to go make a complete one-eighty turn. He had to fake a smile, and luckily that was something he was really good at, as he took the can from Mikael’s hand.

“I just came to let you know,” Mikael went on, not having picked up on the mood that hung in the air, “that Stian is going abroad for a year and so we will need a new Picker in our team soon. The applications for next year are already coming in and the university would like to get our first selection as soon as possible,” Mikael told him, and Even hummed but the sound was lost in the music.

“Alright, I’ll fix it,” Even promised, lifting the beer to his lips to down some of it. He had promised to drink less, but his mind was all over the place and he kind of felt like he needed it tonight, or else he’d end up betraying himself. Or worse. Mikael nodded, realising it was his queue to leave, and he waved before he walked off again. Even kind of wished he would have stayed, because with only Vilde by his side it was too easy to let the smile slip again.

She wouldn’t let him though. “Even, I did not go through all the trouble of getting you two together to see you fuck it all up over nothing,” Her voice was turning angry, which told Even enough about how serious she was, “so you get your ass over there and see for yourself just how wrong you are, and I am going to go find Eva so we can kick your ass in case you fuck up.”

Maybe she was right. Maybe if Even went there and heard what they were talking about, he would be able to let go of the idea that it had anything to do with them being a thing. Maybe it wasn’t as innocent as Vilde thought it was, but not as dramatic as Even thought either. Because that was a possibility too. Maybe Magnus hadn’t yet found the way to Isak’s heart, maybe Isak was still very much his. Maybe Magnus was trying, thinking that Isak was still available, and although Isak was very much taken, that didn’t make the threat any less.

Even got a hold of one of the fold up chairs in the corner and he dragged it along with him to where Isak and Magnus were sitting. “Hi,” He greeted them both before he put the chair down in front of them and then sat. He watched Isak’s confused face, tried to ignore the surprise in his eyes, and then took in Magnus, whose eyes were shut as he let out a whine.

Everything inside of Even was screaming ‘see! See, he doesn’t want you here! He was making a move on Isak, he was trying to get to your boyfriend’ and he had to fake an honest sounding, “everything okay?” Like he really cared about the boy next to his boyfriend. No.

Even’s eyes dropped when he noticed movement between the two boys’ bodies, and it appeared that Magnus’s hand was in Isak’s and he was squeezing it, and so Even looked up at Isak to see his reaction instead. Please, Isak had to give him a sign that this was just as strange to him as it was to Even.

The last bit of hope he had had crumbled when he looked at Isak’s face. His boyfriend was smiling almost apologetically, and that was wrong. He was meant to look surprised about the hand in his, he was meant to shake it off because his boyfriend was sitting in front of him, but he didn’t. And Even felt sick.

“Uh, hi Even,” Isak spoke, and it sounded so distant, like they had never really talked to each other before, “nice to see you tonight. Magnus and I were just talking about how lovely these parties that you throw are, right, Magnus?” It got worse with every passing second, the way Isak was behaving making a thousand alarm bells go off inside his head all at once. The sound was deafening, and for a moment the world turned out of focus, making every sound fade out before it tuned back in.

Magnus was sending him a death glare, obviously not pleased by Even’s interruption, because before Even had sat down he had been happy and smiling. Even wasn’t welcome here, both Magnus and Isak wanted him gone, he had picked up on that rather easily.

“I’d rather be in bed right now,” Magnus grumbled, turning his head away. In bed? Alone or with Isak? The images that thought provoked were almost enough to make Even throw up. Because Isak had been his. He had been Isak’s first and he had hoped to be his only one. But maybe he had been blind all along, maybe Isak had been a really fucking amazing liar. No, no he refused to believe that. If he’d believe that, then he could never trust anyone again.

Isak was quick to add to Magnus’s comment, not giving Even any time to ask any questions. Of course, of course he had to help save precious Magnus of making it too obvious, where was the fun in cheating if it wasn’t a secret? “Sorry,” his boyfriend apologised, “Magnus here decided it was a good idea to smoke up before he came here and now he is quite out of it and mad at the world.”

Apparently Magnus didn’t really agree with Isak’s explanation, although Even was able to tell that Isak was right. Magnus was out of it, high on something, and he groaned at Isak, “don’t tell lies!” And then he turned his head so it could rest against Isak’s shoulder, his face hidden from Even, but he still heard the words the guy hissed after, “shouldn’t have kissed me. Stupid, blind idiot.”

Even’s blood ran cold. What? ‘Shouldn’t have kissed me’? What the hell was Magnus talking about? Why did Isak look like he just got caught? Stupid, blind idiot? Was Even that dense? Fuck. Fuck, he had been right, hadn’t he? Isak and Magnus…

“What?” he heard himself ask, the confusion and fear he felt was seeping through the cracks in his mask, and his eyes were on his boyfriend, but Isak was just sitting there with his mouth open. He had been caught, and he was looking for a way to save himself. God, it was as plain as day, how could Even have missed this for so long? Maybe it was because he hadn’t seen Isak and Magnus together that much, maybe if he hadn’t been staring at Isak so much he would have noticed it sooner.

“Nothing. Just- Magnus is talking nonsense. Maybe he should go to his bed to sleep it off,” it was a pathetic excuse and Isak should know it. Magnus sure did, for he yelled a loud, “no!” and grabbed Isak’s shoulders, holding on to him tightly. Even should have told the club about Isak a long time ago, he could have prevented this from ever happening. He still could, he could do it, but his heart was heavy.

“No, you promised me! You promised you’d stay with me,” Magnus cried out as Isak tried to create more space between them. But it was too late. This wasn’t making things better. The secret was already out, there was no point in hiding it any longer.

Isak looked at him, begged him with his eyes, what for Even didn’t know. To give him a second chance maybe, to forgive him for fucking up, it could be anything. But Even’s heart had turned cold, it was breaking in his chest the longer he looked at his boyfriend like that. He couldn’t sit there anymore, he couldn’t let Isak see him fall apart. He had to get out of there. Now.

So he stood up in a rush, grabbing onto the chair for support, and he took another breath while part of him still hoped Isak would fix this, would beg him to stay and hear him out, but there was nothing. Isak said nothing, and so Even started dragging the chair with him. He dragged it to the door, hearing the scratches along the floor over the music, and he dropped it against the wall there.

No one stopped him, no one followed, and so Even turned the corner and slipped into his office. The moment he was alone, with more stillness to allow his thoughts to run, he let it all out. He let himself break, standing with his back pressed against the door as hot tears pricked behind his eyes. A few of them managed to escape, but Even wiped them away angrily, let the rage in too.

Fuck Magnus, who the hell did he think he was? Was it not clear that Isak was his? Public or not, it should be clear that Isak was taken. His heart wasn’t for taking, it was Even’s. And Isak, god he was angry at Isak too. So angry.

How could Isak do this to him? When he knew how difficult it had been for Even to let him in. Isak knew so much, he knew about Jannick and many of the struggles Even dealt with on a daily base. He should know better than to keep secrets. If he wanted Magnus he should have just broken up with Even, but he hadn’t. Which could only mean that Isak had feelings for him and so Even would rather die than have anyone take Isak away from him.

Isak had feelings for him and Even would ensure that Isak would give him a chance. Even swore he would try to fix himself for the boy, he would, but Isak had to give him a chance first. Which meant that Magnus, well Magnus had to get out of the picture. The only way Even could actually put Magnus in his place was through his power as head of the club.

Struck with an idea he rushed to the file cabinets and got out his keys. There was a way for him to limit contact between Magnus and Isak. There was a way to stop this.

His hands were shaking as he tried to get the top drawer to open, but after half a minute of fumbling he managed to get the key in the lock. His fingers leafed through the folders until he found the paperwork for members. Bingo. He pulled it out of the drawer and took it to the desk.

Even almost fell as he threw himself on the chair behind his desk, and he rummaged through the top drawer looking for a pen, slamming it shut when he found one. There were papers everywhere, because Even couldn’t keep them all in a neat file with how rushed he was acting, but that was okay. He just had to find the right piece of paper and he had to find it now.

So Mikael needed a new Picker? Great. Just great. It would mean Isak would no longer see Magnus except for at the parties, and soon they’d be out and could be all over each other without anyone giving them strange looks. Even would try so hard for Isak, he would be perfect, he could be. He could be so much more to Isak. As long as Isak stayed, and if he didn’t want to then Even just had to make him. Because Isak was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he refused to let what they had slip away.

He filled in Isak’s name on the paper, filled in the right function, his room number and the studies he followed here at UiO. He’d be a great picker, Isak, he had the right personality for it. He’d judge people accordingly, he’d know who needed their help and who didn’t. This was a normal decision for him to make, no one would wonder why Isak got the job, not when they’d get to know him. It was a win-win situation.

It was halfway through the process that there came a knock on his door, it was soft and tentative, and he wondered if this was Vilde coming to kick his ass with Eva right behind her. If that was true then he could tell her that for the first time in a long time, she had been wrong. For once Even had actually been right about something, and he kind of couldn’t wait to rub it in her face, despite how sad it made him.

But when the door opened it wasn’t someone who barged in on him, ready to jump him. Whoever it was, they stayed in the doorway, which was how he knew it wasn’t Vilde. Vilde knew this office, Vilde could walk in here with closed eyes and get around without bumping into anything. But who then? Was it Magnus, coming to tell him to fuck off? Or Isak, coming to apologise? Even had heard those apologies before, and they didn’t mean shit. He had fallen for them once, he wouldn’t fall for them again.

So whoever it was, Even refused to look up until they’d make their intentions clear. He could just pretend he hadn’t heard, he could just act like he was still by himself, working on some paperwork. Like it was any other day, like there wasn’t a party happening in the next room, as if all was normal.

The person that had entered wasn’t making a rush of explaining why they were there, which kind of confirmed that it was Isak before they boy had even spoken up. “What are you doing?” Even’s boyfriend asked, sounding tired and unsure; the same way Even felt. But he didn’t move, he didn’t stop writing to smile at Isak the way he usually would.

And maybe this was the beginning of the end, but Even wouldn’t give up without a fight, and so he admitted, “I’m filling in paperwork to get you to a higher rank.” His pen moved on the paper, writing down Isak’s date of birth, and Even was tempted to add his time of birth too, but he resisted.

“Why?” Isak asked, and he sounded confused, and rightfully so. Why would Even bother getting him to a higher rank after finding out about him and Magnus? Why would he want Isak close to him after that? It was crazy. Maybe Isak had expected Even to throw him out of the club instead. That would have raised too many questions, though, and it wouldn’t make Even any happier.

Once again, Even chose to answer with honesty, “because I want you closer to me. I want that Magnus to know his place, I want him to know _your_ place, which is right next to me,” Even made sure to keep his voice level, professional, like this was strictly business. He had no feelings about it, at least none that Isak should know about at this point. Isak shouldn’t see his pain, his tears and the way his heart was aching. It made Even weak, and if one thing was risky it was showing weakness.

For a while Isak was silent, lost in his own thoughts, and when he spoke up he sounded like he understood this no better than before knowing the answer. “I don’t get it,” He said, “what does Magnus have to do with me?”

The question triggered laughter, and Even felt it was such a funny thing to hear coming out of Isak’s mouth. What did Magnus have to do with him? Please… Even was about to tell him he knew and that lying about it wasn’t going to get him anywhere. He couldn’t believe Isak really thought he was that stupid. “What he has to do with you? Don’t play dumb, Isak. I heard every stupid thing he said.”

What was worse was that even after he admit that he knew, Isak still looked so puzzled. So Maybe Even’s second theory was more likely to be true than the theory of Magnus and Isak already being a thing. Maybe Isak was still his, but Magnus was trying to steal him away, and Isak deserved to know that. He should know that Even could tell what Magnus wanted and that he wasn’t going to let him get that far.

“Look, Isak, I have been fucked over before,” Even spoke, “I have been fucked over in the worst ways possible and it has killed me holding on to love, which is why I refuse to let you go without a fight. I refuse to let that fucking- I refuse to let him take you away from me,” he was getting angry, almost yelling the words because he meant them so badly. Isak had to see how much it hurt to him, he had to, or else he’d never stay.

“What, no-“ Isak started to defend himself, but Even wasn’t finished, “don’t think I haven’t kept my eyes on you two. I always have my eyes on you, you don’t even know how hard it is not to look at you, so I know,” Even argued, “I’ve seen him when he’s with you, I thought maybe that kiss at pride would show him how you were mine, but tonight just proved how right I am.”

Now he knew. Now he knew what Even had figured out, now he knew about Magnus, and all that was left for him to do was choose. All Isak had to do was choose: Magnus or him. It was all out in the open, and fate would decide if Isak would end up with him. If Isak were to choose him now, Even vowed he would hold on to him and never let him go again. He had learnt from this.  

“No, you’re not, Even you’re-,“ finally there was recognition in Isak’s face, and he understood what Even was saying, that much was clear. He knew, even if he was denying it, he knew what Even was talking about, and so Even wouldn’t let him finish that sentence.

“This just tells me so much, Isak,” He went on, knowing the only way he’d know for sure whether Isak felt the same was by confronting him, “you’ve been trying to cover up how the feelings are mutual, but I know, I know and I’m not going to let you, Isak. Isak, you have to- please,” Even felt the hopelessness drip into his voice, and he walked up to Isak to get closer to him. “You don’t know how fucking happy you make me,” he took Isak’s hand between his own and held it against his chest, “the way you can make me smile, make me forget about everything in my crappy life, I swear. I’m sorry for being such an awful boyfriend with suitcases full of issues, but please.”

Somehow this had turned from Even threatening Magnus to him defending himself. And it was because he knew how Magnus was better than him in every way. Magnus hadn’t gone through abuse and he didn’t have a mental illness either. He was just better, and Isak deserved the best. He deserved the best, and Even wasn’t the best, but he was selfish. In the end he would always need Isak more than Isak needed him.

And it showed, because Isak was staring at him with pity in his eyes. Even had shown him his weakness, and now there was pity on Isak’s face. _Please, don’t. Don’t look at me like that._ The boy tipped up Even’s chin with his hand, made him look at him, but Even didn’t want to see. Even had never wanted to see sympathy in Isak’s eyes, but here he was, experiencing it anyway. On a night he had hoped would bring nothing but happiness.

“look at me,” Isak ordered, “Even, look at me.” He couldn’t look at him, it was too hard to do it, but Isak wasn’t going to let it slip. He waited, he didn’t give up, and so Even caved like he always did when it came to Isak. He looked into those green pools of colour he loved so much and saw the way Isak was trying to show him he cared, but it wasn’t about whether Isak cared or not. If Isak thought that was it then he was missing the point completely.

“Even, I am going to tell you a few things and I swear if you interrupt me…” Isak’s voice was stern, and Even knew he was being serious. Isak ever only used that tone when he wanted them to quit joking around. Even didn’t know how to argue anyway. He kind of wanted to hear what Isak had to say.

“Alright,” Isak started, relief on his face when he realised Even would comply. “First off, you are _not_ an awful boyfriend,” Isak said the words in a way that left no room for any arguments to prove him wrong, even though Even knew he had plenty. “You are lovely and sweet and I know you are hurt, I know we have a lot to work through, but I am not leaving you,” and the fact that Isak was aware of how hurt Even was surprised him. It also made him part his lips, needing to tell Isak that he had no right to promise not to leave when he would, in the end he would.

But Isak tipped up his finger to get him to close his mouth again, and his tone was final as he said, “shut up.” He didn’t leave any room for Even to speak, just rambling on to point two. “Secondly, you are wrong about this thing with Magnus,” and that made Even almost break free, almost, because the next thing Isak said was ridiculous, “the only thing I was trying to cover up was how Magnus likes _you_.”

As if. It was an awful argument, a hilarious one too, and definitely a lie. Even had eyes, he could see, and Magnus had been all over Isak, not him.

“Magnus doesn’t like me, he likes you,” Isak repeated, “he has constant heart-eyes and I had to tell him how I thought you were seeing someone. He got angry because he was too late and also, he’s really fucking high, Even. You have got to trust me. If I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of getting to you,” and now, that was a better argument. That was more believable. The whole Magnus liking him and not Isak? That was just plain false.

Apparently Isak expected some sort of reply now, because he stopped talking and looked at Even expectantly, but Even didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t sound awful. And Isak, well his beautiful Isak, wasn’t going to let the silence drag on. He’d take every moment he could to fix this, to change Even’s thoughts.

“And lastly,” the boy swallowed visibly, and he blinked so hard that Even realised he was having a hard time keeping eye contact, “it’s okay if you want to get me to a higher rank, but you don’t have to do it because of Magnus. Because I’m already right there with you. My place is next to you, just like your place is next to me. We are already there, baby.”

The word felt like a blow to his system. Hearing Isak calling him baby was just too much, too much to handle. It was a word meant for lovers. Isak calling him baby brought him back to all the times they had called each other that, all the times they had smiled and mumbled the word. It didn’t feel like a lie, it didn’t feel fake.

Even’s eyes fell shut and he was sure he was going to cry.

_Oh Isak, dear Isak, you try so hard. I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up, I’m sorry I can’t believe you. I know you care, but you could never care for me as much as I care for you. Never. I forgive you, for whatever is the truth, I forgive you._

And so Even pressed Isak’s hand to his chest, palm flat and fingers spread, and he let Isak feel his heartbeat. Because it was beating only for him. Isak was his addiction, the oxygen running through his veins that was keeping him alive. Even never did well without an addiction, and he knew that without Isak by his side he would break again. So no matter what had happened, Even forgave him, and he’d make sure that Isak would stay by his side through this all.

_Oh Isak, if I told you how much I need you, if I told you everything, would you stay? Would you prove me wrong like you do time and time again? I am a much better person with you than I am on my own, I am a much happier person with you than I am on my own. Do you know? Do you really know just how much I love you? Probably not._

It was just too hard to hold himself together, too hard not to let himself fall apart, and a tear had slipped before he could hold it back, before he could wipe it away. Isak had seen it, of course, and he pressed his lips to the wet trail the tear had left behind. And the touch of his lips to Even’s skin, that was the final strike to make him fall apart.

He fell against Isak, his arms wrapping around Isak’s neck blindly as more tears blurred his vision, and Isak held on to him too. He held on in spite of everything Even had blamed him for, and Even blinked the tears away silently as he stood there in Isak’s arms, realising that all he could do to keep Isak was hold on as long as possible. All he could was trust him, because even if Isak was cheating, Even would stay.

But he believed Isak, he believed him when he said there was nothing going on between him and Magnus. He didn’t believe the story of Magnus liking him instead, but he believed that for now, Isak was still his. Until Magnus found a way to take him away, or someone else found a way to take him away. But not now, now Isak was his still.

“I’m sorry,” Even whispered softly, “I really am. I shouldn’t have assumed. But I- no, can we go home? Can we just go?” There were no good words for Even to say, he had to shut up before he would make things worse again. He had to make sure Isak would think he was alright, that he had accepted the story he had provided. Everything just had to stop for a little while.

His boyfriend rubbed his back and he hummed quietly, “Of course. We can put on sleeping beauty where we left off and curl up underneath the covers. Would you like that?” Sleeping beauty was the last thing on his mind, but he nodded against Isak’s shoulder anyway. He let himself breathe Isak in one final time, and then he stepped away from him, “let me just get this paperwork done and put away. Can you go get our coats?”

He smiled softly, just needing a moment alone to compose himself before he’d join Isak outside. And Isak nodded before he left, slipped outside quietly, and Even let out the breath he had been holding. He slowly put the paper back in the folder and then the folder back into the file cabinet. He locked it, stepped back, and let himself pause for a moment as he stared at his office. He could do this, he was fine. The worst was over now.

And so he left, he locked the office behind himself and leaned against the door as he waited for Isak to return. He could see Isak talking to Vilde in the distance, and he hoped she wouldn’t ask or say anything to him that would lead to another round of them arguing, but when Isak returned to him with their coats, all he said was, “I told Vilde we’re leaving, she asked you to call her tomorrow.”

He knew she’d be asking questions in the morning, she would probably call him before he’d get to her, but he was glad he didn’t have to explain himself now. So he nodded at Isak and took his coat, shrugged it on before he walked ahead. It was easier to have Isak follow him rather than take the lead.

The silence that hung around them on the way back was a stark difference from the way there, and there was an ever bigger difference between watching the first half of sleeping beauty and watching the second half of sleeping beauty. Usually their room was their sanctuary, the one place where they could show their love, but unlike earlier that night there were no stolen kisses. There was no laughter and no wandering hands pressing into each other’s skin.

Even lay curled up against Isak and he held on because he still could, but that was it. That was all. It still felt like an ending, like this would be the last time Even would get to be with Isak that way, and he wondered if maybe he was making a mistake. Maybe it would be best to push Isak away now before Isak would push him away instead. But then again, Even wanted every last moment to count, he wanted to have as much of Isak as he could get.

It was the hardest battle he had ever fought. It was harder than deciding to break up with Jannick and it was harder than choosing his mother’s funeral dress. It was harder than the time he tried to kill himself. So what could he do? What would keep them Isak and Even?

 

 

\---

_14| Slippery_

 

_This truly was just the best thing Even could have come up with. It was genius, if he said so himself. Like in all the movies he had seen, it would mend both their hearts and they could go back to falling in love with each other._

_Truly, they should let Even in on politics, because he was the king of fixing things. He ran a club for god’s sake, all by himself, and now he was making things right in his relationship. It was the first time he wouldn’t give up on love, and he deserved some recognition for that. Only 22 and already a master at relations._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're close to catching up on Isak's storyline... still just a step behind until it will all click.   
> It will all make sense soon, I promise. Another week or two...


	15. 14| Slippery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was one more thing to add before Even would devote his time to shadowing and contrast. And he settled on a blue spray paint rather than a brush. People could see this and think ‘how cute, two guys’ and they would miss the whole point of it. They had to know their names. They had to know this were Isak and Even. Even and Isak. They belonged together. Isak had made them that way on their first date, and Even planned to never let go of that.

**14| Slippery**

 

After less than half an hour, Isak had fallen asleep, his arms no longer protectively wrapped around Even, but now loosely circling his waist. And Even watched the end of sleeping beauty by himself, watched a prince who wasn’t scared of death, or any other consequences, fight to save his princess. And Even realised that if he wanted to fight for them, he’d have to do something drastic.

He’d have to defeat the rosebushes, he’d have to take matters into his own hands to save his love. And talking wouldn’t fix this. He could go and see Magnus, tell him to stay away from Isak, but what good would words do? If the prince would have talked about wanting to save his princess, if the prince would have told Maleficent that he loved the girl, then nothing would have happened. The princess would have stayed asleep and the prince would have died.

No, Even needed to do something drastic. He had to find a way to show everyone that Isak, his love, was his and he would stay his. He had to use his power and popularity to make sure everyone else would back the fuck off. And everyone remembered what the prince had done for Aurora, all out of love for her. What had Even done out of love for Isak? Nothing. It was pathetic.

But he could fix this. He could show the world that Isak was his, and he knew exactly how.

So he lifted Isak’s arm up and crawled out from underneath it. Being careful not to wake Isak, he got the sheets up over his boyfriend’s shoulders just to make sure he wouldn’t get cold, and he closed the laptop screen too so the light of the screen wouldn’t wake him. And then Even tiptoed out the door and went back to his own.

There was a mess of stuff on his table and he had to throw some of his notebooks out of the way, but there it was. His green notebook, the pocket sized one that he always carried along, and Even took it along with a pencil before he walked up to his bed.

He made himself comfortable there, opening it to the first empty page he came across, and he flipped it sideways so he’d have enough room. Even had an idea of a way to show his love for Isak. It was the type of grand gestures he usually wasn’t into, but every movie where people fucked up, they would use some sort of romantic gesture to magically fix it all. It was a filmmaking secret. Throw in a proposal or a serenade and suddenly there is a happy ending.

The only grand gesture Even could dream up had to do with his art. And he’d make it romantic, he would. He closed his eyes as he put the pencil to paper, and he tried to sketch the image that he had in his mind’s eye. It was a little strange to draw, because Even hadn’t seen them from the side, he had had his eyes closed and his lips pressed to Isak’s, but he could imagine what they looked like.

He knew Isak’s face by heart, and he had drawn himself countless times. All he needed was a good rough sketch that he could take as an example for the real deal. He’d finish the sketch later, colour it in and finish every lash, every strand of hair. For now an outline was enough. Even would have plenty of work ahead of him, he couldn’t wear himself out creating only a sketch.

When it was as good as done and Even had a reference with the right measurements and proportions, he closed his notebook and got up again. Stage one had been finished. Now he’d have to go out there and make it happen.

It was late, and campus was deserted. Even was bursting with energy, and so he ran around while gathering all the stuff he’d need for his idea to come alive. And tonight he felt so very lucky to have keys to the building that was theirs, or else this plan wouldn’t have worked at all.

Even had a cart full of paint hidden in the O.V.A building, because it was a better place to have it than in his small dorm room, and it came in very handy tonight, for Even would need a lot of paint. Like, a fuck load of it.

He threw on a handful of paintbrushes on top of the cans too. There were all kinds of them, and he took a few of each, because he needed large ones for the bigger pieces and smaller ones for the details. There were even some cans of spray-paint that Even took just in case. Basically, he took everything he found or could get his hands on at this time of night.

But before he took out his cart into the yard, he took out a ladder first. He would need it to reach high enough, because he wouldn’t just create something small and simple, no this was going to be his life’s work. He could feel it, could feel the energy and the inspiration that had led him here, and he knew this would be his greatest work. At least his greatest work so far. He had practiced drawing Isak a million times and he had watched him even more often, so he knew what it would have to look like.

Once the ladder was out there, Even returned to get the cart with paint, and he managed to do all of that without being seen. But he knew, like any other proper artist knew too, he’d have to hurry still. If he would get caught, he wanted the painting to be as done as it could be. And so he’d rush the outline and give himself more time for the details. That was the plan.

As Even pulled on the cart he tried to be as quiet as possible and he stopped from time to time to make sure some cans weren’t touching and making noise, but he got to the building without attracting any attention. He could see someone walking along campus in the far distance, but they weren’t approaching him, which was good. Luckily there were no cameras around here either, because then the police could show up within minutes.

And then Even was there. He stared at the piece of wall that was the side of their dorm building, but that held so many more memories for him, for them. He’d give this painting meaning, he would make it recognisable for Isak. He’d do it justice for Isak, he promised himself that. Even would paint it right at the place where they had first kissed, where their souls had touched each other for the first time, and he would show the world a glimpse of what that had been like. Then everyone would be able to see that Isak was his, and he was Isak’s, and no one would dare reach out for Isak’s heart ever again. Or his for that matter.

Somewhere between Isak’s room and the O.V.A building, Even had come to the conclusion that even if Isak had been right, even if Magnus had liked _him_ rather than Isak, then the painting would show Magnus how Even was in love too. No matter what, the painting would show Magnus and everyone else, that neither Isak nor Even were available. They were each other’s. They were Isak + Even.

This truly was just the best thing Even could have come up with. It was genius, if he said so himself. Like in all the movies he had seen, it would mend both their hearts and they could go back to falling in love with each other.

Truly, they should let Even in on politics, because he was the king of fixing things. He ran a club for god’s sake, all by himself, and now he was making things right in his relationship. It was the first time he wouldn’t give up on love, and he deserved some recognition for that. Only 22 and already a master at relations.

He flipped open a few cans of paint, only barely holding him back from whistling a tune, and he poured some paint in a different cup so he could mix it. His hair was slightly darker than Isak’s, and it would have to show in the painting too. It had to be absolutely perfect, or at least perfect enough, because who knew where pictures of the painting would end up on. They’d be the talk of the town. Everyone would be talking about Even’s grand gesture and everyone would envy both him, for having such a beautiful boyfriend, and Isak for having such a romantic one.

Even should have thought of this sooner, he should have done this forever ago. It was such an amazing idea, such a beautiful tribute to them. He should have done this the moment he knew he had lost his heart to Isak. But the most important thing was that he was doing it now. Better late than never, right?

As he climbed the ladder, paint and brush in hand, he thought back to the night of the first kiss, to the way Isak had conquered his own fears. Would he be proud that Even was doing the same now? Would he smile that smile that made his eyes light up? Would he kiss Even and tell him how all he wanted was to be with him? Even couldn’t wait to see his face.

He painted Isak’s hair first, the outlines of the way it fell around his face, and he coloured it in using a thick brush and long strokes. Then he climbed down to get a nude colour, for Isak’s face, and he painted an ear, Isak’s jawline. It didn’t look like much yet, only like two big planes of paint as he covered the wall with skin that would soon show Isak’s eye, his nose, part of his lips.

When he finished that he stepped back, took in his work, and decided it was time to get a little bit of definition in there. Underneath the paint cans he found a dark spray paint. He shook it for a minute before he popped off the cap and used it to add lines to show the curve of Isak’s nose, the sharpness of his cheekbone and his jawline, and the details of the inside of his ear. That was more like it. Now things were starting to get shape, starting to look like a real person.

Even worked for an hour, finishing only Isak’s part of the painting, and when he stepped back, his hands already sore and tired when he was only halfway, he felt his heart slamming against his ribs. Because Isak looked like Isak. Even had managed to make the boy on the wall look like his boy, his lover who was still asleep in his bed.

He could imagine Isak’s closed eyes, the way his eyelashes were fanned across his cheekbone the same way as the Isak on this wall had, and he rubbed a hand across his forehead, wiping away the sweat as he took a breath. As he had said: this was going to be his life’s work.

It was getting slightly chilly out, but he refused to return and get himself some warmer clothes. He wouldn’t rest until he had finished this. Not until it was perfect. And Even wouldn’t give himself any time to rest, which was why he picked up the black paint and one of his finer brushes and got back on the ladder.

He drew a rather thick line between their faces, making sure there would be contrast between them, and for a moment it almost felt like he was cutting them apart, and that felt weird. He knew he had to, or else their faces would bleed into each other, but at the same time Even felt like they were one, and so it seemed wrong to draw that line. It felt like breaking apart two parts that belonged together.

Still he did it. He finished the curve of his own chin and then swapped the black for the nude colour. Then he painted the side of his face, his neck and his ear, and although he knew the details were supposed to wait until later, he added in his birthmarks already. He knew exactly where to put them due to all the portrait drawings he had done for one of his classes. Back then he had hated drawing his face over and over, from different angles, but now he was thankful for it.

Adding the hair was easiest, especially because his hair was slightly darker and had less different tones in it, so it wouldn’t need as much detailed work as Isak’s did. He’d much rather spend his time on Isak’s face anyway.

Isak was truly the star in this work of art, just like he was meant to be, and Even felt proud of himself for being able to create something that actually resembled them. Painting was a lot different than sketching, but he was alright at it. He had managed to create something this big in an hour or two, and now he got all the time in the world to add details to it. And thankfully it was finished enough that if someone were to come by now, he wouldn’t have to worry about any unfinished work.

Except. Except it wasn’t really finished just yet. There was one more thing to add before Even would devote his time to shadowing and contrast. And he settled on a blue spray paint rather than a brush. People could see this and think ‘how cute, two guys’ and they would miss the whole point of it. They had to know their names. They had to know this were Isak and Even. Even and Isak. They belonged together. Isak had made them that way on their first date, and Even planned to never let go of that.

He shook the spray paint in his hand and found a spot across his chin that he could use as his background. And he remembered Isak’s slow moves, the way he had dragged down the brush to create the ‘I’ and so Even did the same. He sprayed the ‘I’, a slow line down, and watched it dry, some of the paint dripping a little where he had lingered too long. And then he made the ‘S’, and the ‘A’ and ‘K’. He finished the name of his lover, and he watched it for a moment, feeling butterflies in his stomach.

His, and only his, he’d make sure of that.

The rest of it was easy to add, his movements a lot quicker for his own name, and he put back on the cap as soon as he had finished it. ‘Isak + Even’ it said. Everyone would know now, they’d know who the faces belonged to, they’d know these hearts belonged together. They were meant to be.

Even dropped the can of spray-paint on his cart and cleaned his hands on his shirt as he took a few steps back to take in his work. It wasn’t done yet and it would never be as perfect as he could have made it with pencil, but the message was clear enough.

It was kind of baffling how he had managed to work that long without anyone coming by to stop him, and Even kind of figured it was meant to be, just like them. It was a sign that he was doing right by this, that he had finally manned up and done something to keep his love around. It made him proud too, because ever since Jannick he had been so afraid of losing someone he was interested in that he always just stopped it before it got anywhere at all.

But now, now he was proclaiming his love to the whole world, showing everyone he wasn’t going to sit back and let it get away from him. Not again.

Even spent another hour working on perfecting their faces, Isak’s mostly, until the sun caught up with him and Even realised that he’d have to go soon. His phone told him it was almost five o’clock, and he couldn’t believe he had been there for so long already. Still, Even hadn’t felt the need to go to bed, had been filled with energy to the brim, and he had poured it into his work. Now though, people would be waking up and going to work, and he couldn’t risk them calling the police on him.

Which was why he slowly started putting everything back, filling his cart and making sure he’d leave no paint or brushes behind. And he was right on time too, because the moment he had put away the last brush, he saw someone walk around the corner. They hadn’t spotted him yet, but he wasn’t going to take the risk. He started pushing the cart, getting it to speed up, and he ran with it as it almost flew away.

It made him laugh, made him feel light and happy, the thrill of getting caught making him bounce, full of life. He got to the O.V.A building without anyone stopping him or screaming after him to stop though, and he quickly unlocked the door and pulled his cart inside. Only then he could breathe enough to let go of the fear of someone having really seen him. He knew he’d have to go back to get the ladder, but if he’d return to see anyone there he’d just let it be. The ladder wasn’t his priority.

Even spent some time at the club once he had returned the cart, not wanting to go back and seem too suspicious, and by the time he left his paperwork behind it was already seven in the morning. There were a few people around on campus, but not that many, and Even got to the building without being recognised.

He went up the stairs to get to their floor, but rather than getting inside Isak’s room he entered his own. There were a few things he needed for class, and he packed them quickly. He even remembered to take something with him for breakfast, and then he walked back outside.

Even considered waking Isak up to show him, but he knew Isak wouldn’t have class till later on in the morning, which was why he decided maybe he’d give the boys a few more hours of sleep. He’d find the painting soon enough and Even couldn’t wait to find out how it made him feel.

With a smile he pulled on the straps of his backpack and turned. He rushed down the stairs, walked into the early morning sun feeling excited for what the day would bring him, and when he turned the corner he pulled up the hood of his shirt so he could get around without anyone spotting him.

Someone was watching the wall, and Even kind of wanted to stop and ask them what they thought of it, but he’d rather get the ladder. So he walked up to it, as if the person staring wasn’t even there, and he picked up the ladder. “Good morning,” He said, nodding his head in greeting, and then he walked off, leaving the girl standing there in surprise.

Yeah, he was really excited to see what today would bring.

 

 

\---

_15| Collapse_

 

_He was. Isak was angry. He was fucking pissed off, and Even felt confused to the point where it made him feel light-headed. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. This wasn’t the way he had expected Isak to respond, and clouds were quickly shielding the sun he had felt on his face. And he was scratching now, fucking up the sketch, and that made him angry. Today was supposed to be perfect, not… this. What had happened? Even didn’t understand why Isak sounded so furious, why he was cursing so much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note for the following chapters you'll read from OA:  
> By now it's really freaking clear that something is going on with Even. He is indeed struggling with his disorder. All about the ins and outs of how he is struggling with it you will come to find out soon, but I wanted to explain a bit here.  
> I have done a lot of research about the kind of thing Even is going through right now. In fact I still have two tabs linked for whenever I feel I need it. Yet, I want to make sure no one who is/knows someone with bipolar disorder to feel like I know anything about what it is like. I have based this fic on the theory I have read and on stories of people going through episodes, but I have never experienced it myself. Before you read the rest of Even's thoughts, I want to share that if I in any way manage to offend anyone, I did not mean for it to be that way. Some things may just be over-exaggerated too. After all, this is fiction.  
> Love, D <333


	16. 15| Collapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world was spinning so fast now, it was out of control, and Even was afraid he’d fall. Because he realised with a shock that this, this made him just as bad as Jannick. He had become the same kind of monster as Jannick. A different weapon, but the same outcome. And if there was one thing Even had wished for in his life, it had been to be better than that guy.

****

**15| Collapse**

 

 

**Wednesday 09:59**

Even knew people had seen his painting the moment he walked into class. Everyone was whispering, turning their heads to look at him, and Even walked with his head held high, goddamn proud of himself. Fuck, this had been truly genius, a moment of him being in touch with whatever god he no longer believed in. Everyone knew Even was with Isak. Good.

He sat down in his usual spot and instantly there were people surrounding him. “Congratulations, Even.” “Such an amazing piece of art, you’ll go down in history.” “They should use that shit in movies. Have they ever?” “How long have you two been together? I haven’t seen him around before.” And Even’s grin only grew as he answered their questions, his ego boosted plenty.

“Did you know someone put a picture on the UiO student page?” The girl next to him, Sara, asked him, and Even raised his eyebrows, “they did? Cool.” He would have to check that out later. Most of all though, he was dying to see Isak. The only reaction he cared for was his boyfriend’s, and he hoped it would be just as spectacular. His classmate had been right, they should use this shit in movies.

Isak would probably see it before Even would get to him, especially if it was up on Facebook, but that was okay. They could meet later. By then Isak would probably have found back his voice and would be able to form sentences talking about it. Although really, Even did feel sad that he wouldn’t get to see Isak’s face during the reveal. He could imagine it though. Could imagine Isak leaving for class in an hour or two only for him to turn the corner and see his face up on the wall.

It wouldn’t be that movie moment he had dreamed of, but they could have that later. Even couldn’t wait to walk around with his arm wrapped around Isak, couldn’t wait to make everyone jealous. God, he should ask Eva to follow them and take pictures of everyone around them as they saw them walking together. If they had thought Even and Jannick had been a cute couple, they should see Even with someone who truly made him happy.

He thought of all of that while their teacher explained some stuff and explained what they’d be working on that morning. Even already knew it would be difficult to focus on anything else but Isak. The boy had taken over his every thought, had found his way so sneakily into Even’s heart and made it his home, that Even found it hard to remember what it had been without him there. He had turned on some lights, fixed the holes in the walls and ignited a fire that just kept on burning. Even hoped it would never go out.

They weren’t even halfway through class, now working on an assignment where they had to tell a story in three shots, when Even’s phone started buzzing on the table. His two group members paused their work and looked up at him almost curiously as Even flipped his phone to see Isak’s name on the screen. He swallowed and let it ring, turning the screen down again, and Sara said, “you can take that if you need to.” But Even shook his head. He didn’t want to hear Isak’s reaction over the phone.

The others went back to work and Even kept his eyes on his phone for a moment, in the end flipping it back over to quickly turn off the sound. No more interruptions until he’d get to see Isak. And then he went back to work, trying to forget about his grand gesture for a moment and put his energy into art again. Which happened to be more difficult than he had thought, because everything he suggested could somehow relate to his boyfriend. It was hard having a muse.

Once class was over he checked his schedule and made his way over to the C building for his next lesson, only to find a note on the door stating the class had been rescheduled to Friday afternoon. Which left Even with two hours to spare. But, if he was correct, then Isak would be on his way to class soon. If he’d sit out in the yard maybe he’d see him walk by and they could hang out some. He wanted to see Isak’s smile and hear him gush about how romantic Even had been, that would be nice.

God, he kind of longed to kiss him, right out there in the yard for everyone to see. They could do that now, how wonderful was that? Even had killed two birds with one stone. It was amazing. And while he’d wait, he could finish the sketch of the mural in his notebook too. They could hang it in Isak’s room as a reminder once they would paint over the wall, because they probably would. Eventually.

On his way out Even passed Mikael, who held up his hand asking for a high-five, and when Even hit it his club mate grinned, “great catch, Even.” “Oh, I know,” Even replied, laughing as he pushed open the door. The sun warmed his face and Even took a breath of fresh air, loving how alive he felt. He was on top of the fucking world. He had the most beautiful guy on his side, and the universe was finally smiling at him again.

Even flopped down against his wall and got out the usual stuff. His notebook, a bottle of water and a cigarette. If he could take three things with him to a deserted island? Well, he’d swap the bottle of water with Isak and would live happily ever after with all the things he needed to be happy. It was that simple.

He lit the cigarette and flipped his notebook to the right page, ignoring the drawing on the left page, the one he had made a few days before. For a moment he had felt like he had been slipping into depression, his thoughts too much on his mother and father, but he had climbed out of that again. He figured it had probably just been grief this time, nothing to worry about. No reason to feel guilty about not taking his meds. Yet, at least.

No, instead he turned all his attention to the right page. The sketch looked much better than the painting on the wall, but Even had been able to spend more time on it than he had on the mural. Besides, it was easier to work with pencil than with brushes, and so it only made sense.

At the same time there were still things Even had to perfect. The hair wasn’t realistic enough, the lips needed to be poutier. So Even got to work. Cigarette between his lips, pausing for an occasional drag, he made sure to look up from time to time to see if Isak was around. Until he lost himself in the drawing altogether.

The cigarette fell to the floor, long forgotten as Even worked on Isak’s eyelashes. It was a beautiful thing, being able to let go of everything and losing himself in the movement of his hand, the picture in his mind. He had been so lost in it that he hadn’t heard his boyfriend come up to him until he was right there in front of him.

“What the fuck, Even!? Care to explain what the hell is going on?” Isak’s voice was angry, pulling Even out of his dreaming, and that didn’t sound right. For a moment Even thought if maybe he was imagining it, as if it hadn’t really been there, because that didn’t sound like the reaction he had expected. And so he kept his eyes on the paper and considered the possibility of having gone so crazy for Isak that he was imagining his voice now. But his hand was trembling, and he almost fucked up a line. Okay, no, he just had to stay calm, that was all.

If this was really Isak, then Isak was probably just playing with him, and all he had to do was stay himself, “hey, baby.” He added another line to the drawing just as Isak burst out a, “don’t fucking ‘baby’ me!” And Even didn’t understand, was he really angry? Could he really be? “No, you fucking _knew_ I didn’t want this, you fucking _knew_ I was trying to get there by myself, and yet you go and out me to everyone? What the fuck is your excuse?”

He was. Isak was angry. He was fucking pissed off, and Even felt confused to the point where it made him feel light-headed. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. This wasn’t the way he had expected Isak to respond, and clouds were quickly shielding the sun he had felt on his face. And he was scratching now, fucking up the sketch, and that made him angry. Today was supposed to be perfect, not… this. What had happened? Even didn’t understand why Isak sounded so furious, why he was cursing so much.

“Even, I’m talking to you?!” The way Isak shouted the words made Even cringe, and it transported him back to a time he had been trying to forget, a person he had been trying to forget. It trapped him in his own body, feeling like this was Jannick all over again, and that didn’t make sense. Because this wasn’t Jannick, this was Isak. Yet still, his whole mind was exploding, and he felt himself lose control quickly as Isak went on, “aren’t you going to tell me why on earth you made that drawing of us? Did some sort of demon possess you?”

Isak sounded like he was in fact the one possessed by a demon, not Even, and he wanted to start apologising or ask what was happening, but he was frozen, and Isak laughed darkly as he added, “or like- are you fucking insane?”

And Even’s pencil stopped. It stopped, and Even pressed it down so hard that the tip of it broke, ruining his sketch. But it didn’t matter, because Even couldn’t breathe. He felt everything else around him fade, felt himself falling down and down from cloud nine, falling so fast that his lungs wouldn’t work. And he remembered Jannick. He could hear the guy’s voice ring clear in his head.

_Are you fucking insane? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? Of course you are, you didn’t need to give me a name for that. Bipolar disorder? Who gives a shit?! Even, I won’t care about you any less, I already knew you were insane. Pretty sure I managed to fuck you until you went crazy. Well? Are you going to let me or do I need to make you let me, little psychopath?_

Even hadn’t wanted to get angry, he had wanted to ignore this all and pretend it wasn’t happening, but Isak had called him insane. Isak had used one of those words that Even hated, that made him loathe himself, and when he looked up at Isak all he felt was red. All he could see was red and all he could taste was red. It was hot, searing anger, and it leaked into his voice as he spoke, “say that again.”

It was a warning, and Isak realised it too. As Even closed his notebook and put it away, wanting to stand up, Isak took a few steps back. There was still fire in his boyfriend’s voice, but he sounded just a little less sure of himself. “What?” he demanded, “as if that’s weird of me to ask? I mean, I wake up by myself to someone knocking on my door, telling me there’s something I need to see, and then I see that damn painting? You left me to deal with that by myself? I mean, you consciously decided it was okay to put me through that? It’s on Facebook for god’s sake!”

It wasn’t until he really looked at Isak that he saw the way his nose was bleeding, or had been. It looked battered and it had to hurt, but Isak’s mind was on something else. It was on the negative aspects of the painting, and well, Even hadn’t really thought about those. Yet, why wasn’t Isak seeing the benefits of this? They should celebrate, not fight.

Instead Even stood there, anger coursing through his veins along with the lingering pain of Isak’s words. They had felt like stab wounds, like Isak had intentionally used them against him, even though he didn’t know about Even’s bipolar disorder. Even had kept it to himself on purpose. Besides, he wasn’t even manic right now. If he had been, there would have been some signs first. Even was sure that he wouldn’t have missed those. He had always been able to leave campus before things went too far. So he couldn’t be, it was just impossible.

Isak was being silly about this. Even just had to make him see the advantages instead of the disadvantages, that was all. Then they’d laugh about it and kiss and this wouldn’t feel like an attack any longer. Because right now, Even felt like Isak was driving him up against the wall, closing in on him.

“Magnus needed to back the fuck off. I told you that,” Even started explaining himself, “your words weren’t going to keep him away, I know guys like that. But it’s not just about Magnus, it’s about everyone else too.” Isak had to see it his way, he had to, “now it’s him, but tomorrow it will be someone else that’s trying to take you away from me. I just decided enough is enough.”

But that didn’t make Isak look any different. If anything, he looked more confused, more blown-away. He definitely didn’t appear to see it the way Even saw it, and Even kind of felt like maybe it was because right now, Isak was being confronted by one of his biggest fears. Yeah, that had to be it. Even wasn’t getting through to Isak because he was panicking.

“Can you hear yourself speak right now?” Isak huffed and his eyebrows shot up, “because I don’t know who the fuck I’m looking at right now.” Oh. Oh, was it that bad? “I thought I explained to you that Magnus was interested in _you_ , not me? Why would he punch me in the fucking face if he was into me?” So that was what had happened to his nose. He’d find Magnus and kill him, he swore to god. No one was allowed to touch Isak that way.

“You’re paranoid, Even. You’re fucking paranoid,” Isak ended his rant, and _oh._ No way. No, he wouldn’t let Isak get away with this. Even was going to tell it the way it really was, because if anyone, it was Isak who was paranoid. He pointed a finger at himself, “me? I’m the one paranoid?!” His eyebrows raised in disbelief, because how could Isak be so blind? He kept going on about that stupid Magnus, when Magnus was only part of the problem to begin with.

“Fine,” he reasoned, “lets leave Magnus out of it for a second, because I don’t think we’ll agree on that. But you say that _I_ am paranoid? You say I did something wrong when I painted us on that wall? Well, I think differently.”

Even couldn’t believe how quickly Isak had changed, how he had apparently been lying to Even. This wasn’t about others, this wasn’t about Magnus or his coming out, this was Isak looking for excuses. If Isak had cared about the hate, he would have instantly argued that he was angry because others were sending him hateful comments, but he hadn’t. He had just kept going on about Magnus, and if it was really about Magnus, well then Isak would just have to open his eyes and see the truth.

No, there was more to it. Isak was taking back his promises with these words. But Even wouldn’t let him without confronting him. “Because you told me,” Even pointed his finger at Isak this time, “you told me you’re in it for love, Isak, and I’m keeping you to that. And if you’re in it for love then why the hell does it matter that people know?” Why did it matter? Nothing, no status or amount of friends was worth hiding love for.  

“I am sure that right now you think that everyone is staring at you because they hate you for being gay, but that’s not true,” Even went on when Isak finally appeared to be listening, giving him time to speak. Even just hoped that he would get to understand, that they could move past this now. “They all stare because they’re jealous,” Even explained, knowing for fact that this was true. People were jealous of love, people did crazy stuff because of it. They were jealous of Even for being with Isak, and maybe some were jealous of Isak too. Probably. Even’s status had a lot to do with that.

This time Isak didn’t respond with anger, he seemed slightly more on Even’s side when he huffed a, “what sort of fucked up reasoning is that?” But then things went further downhill. Isak wasn’t getting the point Even was trying to make. He was misunderstanding all of it. “Me being in it for love still doesn’t give you the right to make decisions for me. Have you ever been in my position? Do you have any idea what it’s like to have someone else decide that it’s okay to share something that makes you so vulnerable?”

And that made Even snap out of it. It felt as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been washed over him, because he did know what it was like to go through what Isak was describing. He had been through it with Jannick. Jannick had shared so many stories with people that had no business knowing about him, about his body and what Jannick had done to him. Speaking up about it had just made things worse. It had been Jannick’s little torture game. And Isak was comparing it to the way he felt right now, the way Even had apparently made him feel.

“Because that’s what this is. My being in it for love does not justify you outing me, Even. And it sure as hell doesn’t justify you leaving me to deal with it all by myself. I mean, you didn’t even answer my call,” Isak’s voice was belittling, and rather than showing how sorry he felt, how he hadn’t thought of it that way, Even turned up his defences.

He couldn’t help it, it just happened. Because Even was so used to it, maybe. His body just refused to let any more emotions escape, and he huffed and crossed his arms, automatically avoiding eye contact. “Jesus, Isak. I was in class, god,” he hated himself for saying it, but it just came pouring out, “I was planning on calling you back. You’re honestly making such a big deal of this, I hadn’t expected you to. I thought maybe you’d be happy that now we don’t have to hide any longer, after all you were going to tell Jonas, right?”

It was a last attempt at saving himself and Even knew it was futile, because he had managed to offend Isak now. He hadn’t wanted to, and an apology was on his lips, but he was no longer in control of himself. And at that point Even knew that something was wrong. This was mania. He was manic, he hadn’t seen it coming, and it made him panic. But Isak’s words made him panic even more.

“You know what, nevermind,” his boyfriend spoke quietly, looking sad and defeated, and all Even wanted was to shake himself awake, “I’m going back to my room. Don’t bother talking to me until you’ve realised that what you did was wrong. And if you never will, then I guess…”

No. No, please, please don’t say it… please. Even wasn’t sure he’d survive that, wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold himself back from doing anything stupid if Isak were to say that.

“Then I guess this is where we end,” Isak said the words anyway, and that was it. Isak turned around, his shoulders slumped, and Even was too frozen to stop him or do anything whatsoever. Isak had said it, Isak had told Even that if he wouldn’t get his shit together then that would be it, and oh god, had things turned to shit so fast.

Even turned to the wall and placed his hands against the bricks, focusing on his breathing. Deep breaths in through his nose, long exhales out through his mouth. It didn’t work, he was undoubtedly losing it. No. No, it couldn’t be. Even had missed the moment of the drop, had missed the signs that were supposed to tell him he was slipping. And now it was too fucking late.

And he saw it now, through the front he had built up out of all the arguments he had felt had been right. He had outed Isak to the world. He had outed the boy he loved while he hadn’t been ready for it. Even had done that to him. Even had hurt him with that. All the hate Isak was getting due to this, it was all Even’s fault.

He had been wrong to take matters into his own hands. Fuck, instead of being the prince, he had been as stupid as Aurora. Aurora should have known better than to prick herself, but she had been blind to what was really going on. Just like Even.

“Oh god,” Even swallowed, his forehead hitting the stones in front of him. What had he done? He had hurt Isak, with nothing but good intentions, but still. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Even had never hurt anyone, not like that at least, and he hated knowing he had.

The world was spinning so fast now, it was out of control, and Even was afraid he’d fall. Because he realised with a shock that this, this made him just as bad as Jannick. He had become the same kind of monster as Jannick. A different weapon, but the same outcome. And if there was one thing Even had wished for in his life, it had been to be better than that guy.

He hadn’t had consent, he had done something without Isak’s permission to do it, out of fear of losing him. And it had been that fear that had actually made him lose Isak. That was what he had said, right? He had basically just broken up with Even. He had given Even a final option; for him to get his shit together, but Even knew that was easier said than done.

Maybe, if Even tried really hard, he could win Isak back. Maybe. Or maybe not, maybe he had fucked up too much to fix. But he had to try, right? If he wanted to show the world he was better than Jannick, if he wanted to convince himself he was better than Jannick, he had to try at least.

With trembling hands Even bent down to pick up his notebook. He put it in his bag, along with the bottle of water, and as he slung his backpack over his shoulder he put up his hood too. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to stop him and talk to him, he shouldn’t. If he was in fact manic then the best thing was to make sure he was all alone, without anyone around.

Usually that meant going to see Ellen, because she could help, but he had gone too far this time. There was no guarantee that he wouldn’t hurt Ellen too in this state of mind, and he couldn’t risk her turning her back on him. It was best to go someplace else to sit this one out. But he needed a plan. If he wanted to come back and win over Isak, he needed a solid plan.

Even held his head down, his hands in his pockets, and he walked.

 

 

\---

_16| Magnify_

 

_Even felt eerily calm as he replayed the conversation with Isak in his mind, and when the words cut just as badly as they had done first time Even found himself unable to stand any longer. He fell down next to his bag, his hands ending up in his lap almost lifelessly and as he tried to connect with his emotions he realised there was more sadness than panic now, and Even thought about just how much he had ruined._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONLY TWO MORE DAYS!!!!!!!  
> I'm mentally prepping myself for this shit, wooh!! And with 13 days left before I get the keys to my house I only have 3 Isak chapters left to write along with 6 of Even's.  
> Only 7 weeks left before this all ends <333


	17. 16| Magnify

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even felt eerily calm as he replayed the conversation with Isak in his mind, and when the words cut just as badly as they had done first time Even found himself unable to stand any longer. He fell down next to his bag, his hands ending up in his lap almost lifelessly and as he tried to connect with his emotions he realised there was more sadness than panic now, and Even thought about just how much he had ruined.

****

**16| Magnify**

 

 

**Wednesday 11:01**

Once in his room Even locked his door behind him, left the key in the lock just in case Isak would decide to come yell at him some more or maybe break up with him for real this time, and he threw down his bag on the table. He was in no state of mind to be talking to Isak again so soon. He was in no state of mind to be talking to anyone actually. He was still panicking, his mind on overdrive, and in a rush he emptied his backpack, put all its contents on the table as he tried to think of a plan.

He couldn’t go to Ellen, that much he had established, but he couldn’t stay on campus either. Isak would literally be next door, and that was a big factor. Because being right next door meant it would be too easy for Even to make things worse if his mania would get worse too. He wouldn’t have time to stop his impulsiveness and that was a potential disaster. But Even didn’t know what else he could do.

This hadn’t really happened before, that Even was farther gone than he had felt, and it scared him. It meant it was too late to get help and he’d just have to go through this by himself, and the reason that scared him was because he had no clue how bad it would get, if he was full-blown manic now or if it was just starting. All he knew was that he wanted out either way.

Even kind of wished he wouldn’t have sold his parents’ house. It would have given him a place to hide, but he also knew that the memories that lingered in that place could worsen his mood too. But there wasn’t really anywhere Even had left to run to. There were some people he trusted, like Vilde, but she lived on campus and Isak would be able to find him there. Besides, Even didn’t want Vilde to see him like that. Ever.

There wasn’t really any other option than the one that had come to mind first, but it wasn’t really where Even wanted to go. It would be cold, it would be dark, and it would definitely not be the best place to deal with his feelings, whether they be manic of depressive or anywhere in between, but at least no one would be able to find him there. It was the only way he could really be alone. And so it would be.

Even went through his pile of notebooks, looking for an empty one that he could take with him, and he got off the first five or so from the pile in order to get it. As he took the empty notebook he put back his green one in its place, not wanting to be tempted to take it, because he wasn’t sure he would be able to look at his drawings in there without wanting to ruin them. It was best to leave it behind. Only then did he put back the smaller pile on top, making it appear like it hadn’t been touched at all.

He walked to his cupboard next, knowing that wherever he’d be going he’d need some food to survive, and he found some granola bars hidden away in the back. They had been in there for a few months, Even had simply forgotten he had them, but they would serve a great purpose now. They were perfect and small, would fit in Even’s bag really well and they were nutritious too. Sort of.

He also took three bottles of water, hoping that would be enough for at least two days, and then he took his bag to his bed. He threw in some underwear, two or three shirts rolled up in a ball, and a blanket. Their blanket. Even held it in his hands for a moment, stared at it while remembering all of his dates with Isak, and then he stuffed it in the bag along with the rest. He needed something to keep him warm, something to sleep on. It may be July, but sleeping outside at night could get cold, he knew that much. What better than a reminder of why he was excluding himself in the first place: Isak.

Then he just kind of paused, feeling the panic fade away just a little, as if the fact that he wasn’t going to sit back and let this happen made it easier to breather, easier to think. Even felt eerily calm as he replayed the conversation with Isak in his mind, and when the words cut just as badly as they had done first time Even found himself unable to stand any longer. He fell down next to his bag, his hands ending up in his lap almost lifelessly and as he tried to connect with his emotions he realised there was more sadness than panic now, and Even thought about just how much he had ruined.

Isak had been disappointed, he had been confused and had appeared like he no longer knew who Even was, and all of that made sense, but Even had never wanted to see it happen. If he had been able to leave in time it wouldn’t have happened, it could have all been prevented. It sucked, because he had already been extremely careful, had wanted to try and make Isak fall for him first before he’d tell his story, but he had been too late. Even had been too late to tell, he had been too late to notice, and now it was too late to fix.

What had been different this time? What had made him so unseeing? Was it because Even had been so in love that he hadn’t known the difference between happiness and mania? Was that a thing? Or maybe it had to do with the fact that Even no longer took his medication. Maybe that was what sped up the whole thing and made him unable to spot it in time. Even wasn’t sure, but his thoughts pushed him up and made his feet walk to his bathroom.

The bottle of pills was still there, hidden behind the mirror he watched his face in every day. He took it in his hand and read the label, ‘lithium carbonate tablets 300mg’, and the advised dosage. One pill in the morning, one at night. After half a week the night dose would double. They had changed the dosage after his last episode, and he had taken it for a while until he had felt too numb while on it and had just stopped. He had stopped and he hadn’t felt the need to be on medication. Maybe he had been wrong about that.

He got off the lid and looked at the pills inside of the bottle. Would they help him now? Would they help him to get focused, to stable his emotions, or was he too far gone for that? Was he almost past mania, onto that awful phase of sleeping it off and feeling too empty to do much of anything? These pills were supposed to stabilise his mood, but how fast did that work? Did he have to be on medication for a few weeks? Or would it help on short term too? So many questions, too many for this not to be a big risk, and yet…

The bottle tipped over and he held out his hand, caught two pills in his palm, one of which he dropped back into the bottle. He needed to start with small dosages, he knew that. Taking too much after a while of being on a break would be a very bad idea. He shouldn’t overdose.

Staring at the pill in his hand Even thought of Isak, his beautiful Isak, who he had hurt so badly. Even thought of the way he felt right now, which he hadn’t really been able to put into words. Without a second thought he put the pill in his mouth and threw his head back. He swallowed it dry, making sure it was far enough down his throat that he wouldn’t make up his mind and spit it back out, and then he leaned down to swallow it away with water.

It didn’t really make him feel better knowing he had just swallowed something that was supposed to help, but he knew it would take time before he’d feel it set in anyway. He put away the pills, decided not to take them with him to his hiding spot, and closed the cupboard so he could look at his own face in the mirror.

As he stared at himself he realised how tired he looked, after all he hadn’t properly slept in two days, if not more. Last night he hadn’t slept at all due to his whole painting adventure, and it showed. Although he looked very awake, he had circles under his eyes that gave away what was really going on. The lack of sleep should have been his first warning sign. If only he had looked at his own face a little more than he had been looking at Isak’s, then maybe he would have seen.

Even sighed, turned his eyes away because he didn’t really want to find any other signs anymore. There was no point anyway, he was already too late, and now he had to live with the consequences of his manic behaviour.

He returned to his bedroom, flopped down on top of his bed, and closed his eyes. If only he could turn back time, he would have made sure he would know in time. He would have seen it coming. But he didn’t have a time machine, those didn’t exist, and so all he had was the here and now. He just had to make it work.

So, where to start then? How could he fix this? Isak had been clear about how he wanted Even to apologise to him, about him needing to see what he had done, but he already did see that, and it wouldn’t be enough. No, if Even wanted to make sure he wouldn’t lose Isak he had to make sure that this would never happen again, and that was almost impossible to do. Because Even didn’t get to decide about when he became manic. He didn’t get the choice of turning it off to make it go away. It was simply something he’d carry with him for the rest of the life.

The big question was whether Isak would be able to accept that, and whatever else Even could do will have been for nothing if Isak were to decide he couldn’t live with Even’s disorder. Even could try and mend his broken heart, he could try to become a better person, a person ready to come clean with himself, but if Isak said ‘no’ once he’d explain how he was bipolar, it would all have been for nothing. Right?

Not really. Even still felt like this had been his wake-up call, whether Isak would stay or not. It felt that way because he truly had nothing left to lose, only things to gain. Maybe this, this whole mess, was the universe’s way of telling him, ‘time to start dealing with your shit rather than hide behind it like a coward’. Which was why Even opened his eyes and sat up. He pulled the notebook back out of his bag and found a pen in there too. He’d have to come up with a plan.

When he flipped it to an empty page he first drew a circle in which he wrote ‘issues’, and he started making a word web with all the things that Isak could judge him for. All the things that could make Isak, or anyone else, think of him as abnormal. Which things hindered him in expressing himself? Which things would he love to live without?

The first thing he wrote down was ‘bipolar disorder’, shortly followed by ‘Jannick’. Those two were the main problems, he knew that. One of those had been genetically determined, the other had been due to his naïve nature. Both of them had left him with bad memories that prevented him from moving on. Jannick prevented him from loving in every way possible, his bipolar disorder prevented him from being carefree and open. That was a start.

He paused then, tried to think of what other flaws he had that Isak could find a burden, and wrote down ‘anxiety’. His anxiety kept him from being able to make clear choices. In combination with other issues, such as his bipolar disorder, could be lethal. As if had proven to be with the whole mural thing.  

Finally he jotted down, ‘uncertain’, which kind of belonged there with anxiety, and he felt like those were good things to start with. Those were deal-breakers. He just had to find a way somehow to make sure he’d fix himself when it came to these things. He’d have to think of how he could be less anxious, of how he could overcome that uncertainty, how to let go of his past with Jannick and definitely how to deal with his bipolar disorder. The only question was: how?

Even tried to think of that as he sat there on his bed, but he was starting to feel drowsy. He blinked his eyes open again and again, tried to redirect his thoughts to the first item on his list, but a tremor in his hand shifted his attention. His hand was trembling slightly, out of his control, and it startled him. He dropped the pen without really realising it and balled his hand into a fist, but it wouldn’t stop shaking, and Even remembered now.

Even remembered his first night on lithium, years ago. His doctor back then had told him it would be best to do it on the weekend, with someone around, so he wouldn’t have to go anywhere the day after and someone could check on him throughout the night too. For Even that had been his mother.

His mother had been with him that night, she had stayed on his bed with her arms around him after he had taken the medication, and he had cried against her shoulder because he hadn’t wanted to take it. He had been scared of what it would do to him, if it would be good or scary or if it would numb him, and she had shushed him and kissed his forehead like he had still been a child.

That night he had kind of felt like one too, but he had told himself that it had been okay. He had needed to do something scary, something so grown up, and something that plenty of others didn’t need to go through in their lives. At least, that had been what it had felt like.

In less than an hour Even had experienced some annoying side-effects, all of which he had been told about, and then he had fallen asleep only to wake up the next morning, about thirteen hours after he had fallen asleep. His mother had still been at his side, reading a book while drinking a cup of coffee, and she had looked tired. It hadn’t been until later that she had admitted that she hadn’t slept that night, too worried about whether he was still breathing or not.

Today was kind of like that first time. He hadn’t had his medication in a month, which had really made him less used to it, and it was kicking in just as quickly as if had done that first time. He had already been tired and his had been so body wound up since the moment Isak had arrived, and that had made it easier for the medication to work. Also, medication usually worked a bit faster when swallowed on an empty stomach. Basically, it just hadn’t been a very ideal situation to start taking them again.

Even felt that same drowsiness, that tremor in his hands that he begged for to stop, and he knew it would only be a matter of time before he’d fall asleep. His stupid, unfocused brain hadn’t thought this through. Even had completely forgotten there was such a thing as side-effects and that they could actually happen, and he rubbed his face tiredly as he pushed the notebook away from him.

It would be alright. He could sleep some, it would probably be best if he did so before he left anyway. He could wake up feeling refreshed and ready to face the challenges ahead of him. He was sure he’d have a few. Really, he should let sleep take over in the hope that he could sneak out late at night, without anyone noticing. Maybe that was the better alternative that he hadn’t really thought of, and so he kicked off his shoes, gave up his fight against the sleepiness and crawled up to rest his head on his pillow.

Best he’d fall asleep before his fingers and toes would start feeling cold and numb, or maybe his stomach would betray him and he’d spend some time hanging over the toilet, like had happened his third or fourth time taking lithium. He just hoped he wouldn’t sleep until like, the next afternoon, because he’d lose so much time if that were to happen, and the sooner he’d be ready to return to Isak, the better.

And so he fell asleep like that, still dressed in the clothes that he had been wearing since the night before, the night of the party that seemed so far away. Even’s mind briefly went over the whole Magnus situation, thinking if he had really been so paranoid, but those thought left his whole body restless.

He fell asleep with a mind full of plans and a heart full of hope, dressed in paint and regret. He fell into a dreamless slumber that for a while took away every worry that helped create the crease in his forehead, and for a while there was peace. He fell asleep in the middle of the day, only to wake up when it was much darker outside, and it was colder too, and someone was knocking at his door.

 

\---

_17| Escape_

 

Let me in. _Why? Why would Even let him in? Even had hurt him. Isak had hurt Even in return. Was it really smart for Isak to ask to be let in so soon after all of that? No. What had led him to anyway? Because there was no excuse for Even’s behaviour, none whatsoever, and definitely not one that Isak knew about. If he was here to apologise then why?_

_All it led Even to wonder was if Isak would he still be here, asking the same question, if Even had already told him he was bipolar. Would he have done the same, or would he have run away the same way he had done with his mother? It was very likely, so no, even if Even had been able to, he wouldn’t have let Isak in. But it was comforting to know that Isak was trying. He hadn’t just given up on them, despite everything. That was more than Even could have asked for._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how are y'all doing? Enjoying the ride so far? Ready for more?? cause more is coming whether you are or not :----)


	18. 17| Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those words, they were the last thing Even had expected to read. If it hadn’t been for the fact that he had just heard Isak’s voice through the door, and that he knew Isak’s handwriting, he would have thought someone else had written it. But this was truly Isak’s, and Isak had evidently calmed down enough to write him this message. This lovely message, asking him to talk about everything, and Even’s heart longed for him. His heart was begging him to go over and fall into Isak’s arms, but his head knew better.

****

**17| Escape**

 

 

**Wednesday 22:18**

“Even? Are you in there? Can we talk?” Isak. Isak was at his door. Isak was the one that had knocked, and through Even’s hazy state of mind he tried to figure out the tone of Isak’s voice. Was he still mad? Had he made up his mind or had he just found other ways to insult him?

Even wasn’t sure if his mind could be trusted, which was why he wasn’t sure how to see this whole situation. What was real and what wasn’t? Even shouldn’t be the judge of that.

His boyfriend knocked again, three short brushes of his knuckles against wood, but Even didn’t move. Both because he didn’t want to and because he couldn’t. His body felt too heavy, as if there were weights tied to all of his limbs that were keeping him down in place. It was simply weighing down on him too much for him to push himself up, and so all he could do was lie there as Isak begged, “Even, please. If you’re there, let me in.”

 _Let me in_. Why? Why would Even let him in? Even had hurt him. Isak had hurt Even in return. Was it really smart for Isak to ask to be let in so soon after all of that? No. What had led him to anyway? Because there was no excuse for Even’s behaviour, none whatsoever, and definitely not one that Isak knew about. If he was here to apologise then why?

All it led Even to wonder was if Isak would he still be here, asking the same question, if Even had already told him he was bipolar. Would he have done the same, or would he have run away the same way he had done with his mother? It was very likely, so no, even if Even had been able to, he wouldn’t have let Isak in. But it was comforting to know that Isak was trying. He hadn’t just given up on them, despite everything. That was more than Even could have asked for.

For a moment it was quiet outside in the hallway, and Even wondered if Isak had given up, if he had let it go so easily. He even lifted his head to be able to listen better, and as he did he heard some sort of scratching sound and his keychain jingled as it moved slightly on his side of the door. Oh. Isak was trying to get his door to open. He was using his key to Even’s room to try and get inside.

Apparently Isak had decided that Even not answering him wasn’t a good enough reason to leave him alone, or maybe he thought Even wasn’t there and he wanted to wait for him inside, and Even was evermore happy that he had left his key in the door. Because no matter what Isak wanted to achieve with getting inside, he couldn’t get to it.

It did betray the fact that Even was inside his room rather than anywhere else, but he could live with that. He’d take that over Isak finding him there on medication, with a head full of conflicting emotions and a lot of confusion.

Isak struggled for a bit but then he finally give up on trying, and Even’s keychain stopped jingling as Isak got the key out of the lock. Silence fell over him once more and Even closed his eyes, noticed how sleep was still trying to tug at him, wanting to wash over him again, but he didn’t let it pull him under just in case Isak would return to his door.

And he did.

It took a few minutes, and Even had almost gotten to the point where he could no longer fight unconsciousness, but then he heard someone at the door again. The sound of paper moving through the gap underneath his door reminded him of the times where they hadn’t known each other, and that was why Even was sure it was Isak who was back, not someone else that had come to bother him. Because no one had ever left him notes, no one but Isak.

It wasn’t just the note that convinced him it was Isak though. Even simply knew that he didn’t really have any other friends that would worry instantly, although he could never be sure about that. But it was true. People at the club, the ones in the higher ranks, they knew about his bipolar disorder. They had to or else they’d question where their leader would have gone for a longer period of time without contacting anyone. They could think the worst and call the police. So Even had told them. With Vilde’s help he had explained what was going on.

Vilde on her part, knew much more, and she always gave him space to deal with things on his own. She had learned the hard way that that was what Even preferred. He preferred no one meddling with his stuff, getting involved in his problems, and so he could say with hundred percent certainty that this note was absolutely not hers. She was probably out there, waiting for him to come to her once he’d be ready to talk.

The curiosity of knowing what was written on that paper that had just been shoved underneath his door was what made him sit up, dying to go get it. He strained his ears first, searching for another sound that could tell him where Isak was right now, whether outside his door or back in his room, but when there came nothing Even figured that Isak had left him alone again.

Fighting through the heaviness of his limbs, he sat leaning on his hands as he forced his eyes to stay open. He waited a while, just sitting up on his bed knowing that if he’d move too fast he could definitely faint, but eventually he felt well enough to stand up and walk to the door. Although it went rather slow.

He picked up the folded piece of paper and took it with him to his bed, where he sat down again before he read the message on it.

 

_‘Dear Even,_

_I’m sorry for what I said to you, it was wrong of me to get so angry without listening to your story first. I’m sorry because I know there is stuff that you’re dealing with that you haven’t told me about, and I want to tell you that it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay, and we can work through it. I care too much about you to throw this away over a beautiful painting. Even though it hurts hearing other people’s hate, I don’t care about that as long as you’re by my side._

_Please, come find me, we can talk this through. I want to get to know you, everything about you. I want to know more than the fact that your favourite colour is green, more than how you can recite Sleeping Beauty. I want to be your rock, I want to be your support through the darker times. So please._

_I miss you already. I love you._

_Your Isak’_

 

Those words, they were the last thing Even had expected to read. If it hadn’t been for the fact that he had just heard Isak’s voice through the door, and that he knew Isak’s handwriting, he would have thought someone else had written it. But this was truly Isak’s, and Isak had evidently calmed down enough to write him this message. This lovely message, asking him to talk about everything, and Even’s heart longed for him. His heart was begging him to go over and fall into Isak’s arms, but his head knew better.

Your Isak. God, Isak was still his? Was that what he was trying to say? That he wasn’t going to break up with Even? Beautiful boy. Stupid boy. He didn’t know just what the hell he was doing, did he? He didn’t know how much of an idiot he was for being the forgiving type.

Even got up, started pacing around as he read the words again and again. Isak was actually ready to forgive him, to talk about it all and move on, but was Even ready for that? Should Isak be ready for it? He knew the answer to that was no. He wasn’t ready to tell Isak about everything. He hadn’t given all of his past a place yet, and he kind of felt like he had to accept himself before he could.

Neither of them should be ready. That’s what made Isak the idiot. He was letting his feelings for Even cloud his judgement, made him softer and sweeter and more compassionate, but he shouldn’t be. Although Even could feel Isak’s love through this, love wasn’t just about forgiveness, and Isak didn’t have to forgive him for this, not without an explanation and an apology on Even’s side at the very least. And for that, Even had to be ready, which he clearly wasn’t.

Besides, Even knew that even if he wanted to share everything with Isak, it would be a case of ‘easier said than done’. He had never before been able to share all of him with anyone else. Ellen knew pieces, Vilde knew pieces, Eskild knew pieces, and so did Isak. All of them knew just a little bit, but enough to know there was more than that. He had shared what he felt was needed for them to give him space, for them to not ask any questions. To tell Isak everything… no, that was absolutely out of the question.

He had to learn how to accept his past, he had to put it all behind him in his own way. Only then would he be able to talk about it. Only then would he be worthy of Isak’s love. But he was thankful for the note nevertheless, because it showed him how if he would try, Isak would let him in. Isak wasn’t casting him aside.

Even found his notebook on the bed, the pen having rolled away a little, but Even retrieved it and turned the page so he could write ‘write a love letter’ underneath ‘uncertainty’. Isak had written him this note, being open about his feelings, and if Even wanted to be honest with Isak about his own, well, he’d have to deal with the Jannick topic as well. It was all woven together like that. But in order to stop the feeling of uncertainty he felt about love, he’d have to look inside his heart and figure out what it was he felt for Isak. Without linking it to his past relationship.

That, however, would be rather difficult. It was why he wrote ‘compare’ below Jannick’s name. He had been doing that for quite some time, comparing Isak to Jannick, but somehow, despite the fact that every time he got to conclude that Isak wasn’t anything like the asshole, he was still doing it. It would be best if he would get it all out at once, see the big picture. He had to be reminded of all Jannick had done to him that Isak hadn’t, only then he could stop. Isak deserved that much.

Once he had written down those two things he tapped his pen against the paper, hoping for more, but his moment of clarity had died and so he pushed the notebook aside. God, why was this so difficult? Why did everything in his life have to be difficult? Why couldn’t he just be like any other person? Why couldn’t he just be normal? All he wanted was to be normal. If he had been, he would have still been curled up against Isak’s side. Who had decided that he didn’t deserve that?

Even got up, suddenly overcome with anger and incredulity to it all, to the fact that someone somewhere had decided that Even didn’t deserve to live a normal life, and he reached for the first thing he could find in his way, which happened to be one of his shoes. He threw it against the wall with as much power as his tired body could muster and it made a loud thumping sound before it fell down to the floor. Even didn’t feel any better.

He stomped through his room, back to the kitchen, but he wasn’t really sure why he was there, and unfortunately there was much more he could throw around right there on the table.

One of his notebooks hit the wall next, some of his sketches falling out and scattering on the floor, and Even wanted to scream his lungs out. He didn’t, though. He didn’t because he knew Isak would probably be able to hear. The boy had admitted one time that he had heard Even have sex with someone through their shared wall, about a month or two ago. Even had remembered that girl, how he had felt his mania right there at the edge, and sleeping with her had been the final blow. After that he had gone to Ellen. He had been smart. He had seen it in time.

So he didn’t scream, he didn’t, he managed to keep it in long enough to grab his bag, stuff his notebook back inside, and zip it up. He found another bag, a slightly bigger one, and got his pillow so he could stuff that in too. It was almost as if he was punching it, time and time again as it wouldn’t fit, and that helped him relieve some tension from his body. It tired him out, the side-effects of the lithium still affecting his muscles, and he leaned over when he was out of breath.

Part of him wanted to cry, because at least crying gave him the chance to let go of some of his emotions, but even that he couldn’t do. There was emptiness and there was anger, and Even truly wasn’t sure which one he preferred to feel. At least anger was an emotion, even though it was an awful emotion to control, because emptiness was just that: empty. When he felt empty, he felt as if he might as well not be there. After all, who wanted to live when they felt nothing?

As he thought of that, he felt those feelings of worthlessness seep in too. Because didn’t he deserve to feel nothing? It was both the best and the worst thing he could be feeling, to be honest. The best because it would mean at least he wouldn’t feel anything awful, no mania or heartache or whatever, and he wouldn’t be able to think about all of the shit life had dumped on him. But also the worst, simply because he wanted so much more than that.

He fought for it every day, but clearly it wasn’t possible for him to have anything in this lifetime. He just held on to the thought that in another universe there lived an Even who had it all. That in another universe, there was an Even who was on the other pan of the scale, and while his side had tipped down, being the heavier one, another one had tipped up. Somewhere he had all his heart desired, just not here. Not now.

It was frustrating, it really was and Even wasn’t going to deny it, but frustration wouldn’t get him any further. He had gone through enough of it to know. It had been frustration that had almost killed him, that had brought him to the lowest point of his life, and he had almost lost it. He never wanted to feel that way again, no matter what.

Fuck.

What was happening to him? This felt more like the onset of a depression than it felt like mania. His feelings were confusing, he wasn’t able to piece them together, it felt like he was going through both at the same time. Was that a thing? Could you experience mania and depression at once? No, probably not. He was probably just too out of touch with himself to really tell what it was. Again, Even realised that it was good that he hadn’t let Isak in.

He had to get out. He had to get out now, right now, before this would really lead him to depression. Because if that was where he was headed, then he would end up glued to his bed. Probably. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Only that sooner or later he’d have to leave to put his plan into motion.

And so he prepared to leave. He made his bed, simply because he wasn’t sure when he’d return, and he cleaned up a bit. The shoe that had hit the wall was put back with its other half and Even walked over to pick up the notebook too. He put the sketches back inside one by one and then put the book back on the right pile.

He was just tidying up some, almost as if he was saying goodbye to the place, and he knew that wasn’t really true, but it was how it felt. It was why he didn’t touch his kitchen table, left it as messy as it had been, just to rebel against his instinct. And that rebellion was also what made him return to his bathroom, made him open the cupboard and take out the pills. Whatever. Just in case he’d need them. Really.

When he was done with it, when he felt ready to leave, he slung one bag over his shoulder and picked up the other. Then he turned off his lights one by one and grabbed his keys before he tried to open his door very quietly. The last thing he needed now was for Isak to hear him and come see him outside. No, he had to be careful.

It was dark in the hallway, but it was almost deserted. Someone nodded their head towards him as they passed, but no one talked to him or stopped him to ask questions and so Even locked the door behind him as fast as he could before he went down the stairs and out of the building.

His bike was waiting for him, and Even refused to think of Isak as he got it out, refused to think of Botanisk Hage and all the other trips that had included him riding his lover around town. It was just a vehicle, just a way of transportation, not something that should make him emotional.

He hung the bag from his hand on the steering wheel and then threw his leg over the bike, sitting down on the saddle. It would be a long bike ride. After all it took twenty minutes by bus, which would probably be close to an hour by bike, but Even kind of needed it. He needed the slight breeze, the fresh air and the exercise to wake him up and get him out of this drowsiness.

So he got his foot on the pedal, and he rode off. He left campus behind, left Isak behind, to start on what he hoped to be one of the greatest journeys of his life.

At first the pedalling was rather difficult, almost as if his body felt a bit sore, and the bag kept hitting his knee until he found a better way to hold it, but then it went well. Even cycled away from campus without any disturbances, and it felt eerily like the night before. Back then he had felt like not getting caught had been fate, that the mural had been meant to be, but if that was true then life was just a sick joke. If that was true, if this was fate too, then what would his fate be now? Would he slip down even further? It would be a good thing he’d be alone if that were the case.

Whatever his fate, Even rode towards it. He rode through the Oslo night, all by himself with only two bags of supplies, and no one gave him any questioning looks. No one knew he was Even Bech Naesheim, no one knew he was the leader of Omnia Vincit Amor that had broken his boyfriend’s heart. No one knew he had bipolar disorder, that he had lost his parents and gone through an abusive relationship. No one gave him any pitied looks either, and it was refreshing, it truly was.

Maybe the only way to ever get over every item on his list meant that he would have to move, to get away from Oslo, from the people he knew. Just get on a plane and travel around the world, settle down somewhere on his own. That way he wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone, he wouldn’t have to look at the people he cared about as they realised just how fucked up he was.

Maybe Even was beyond saving.

But Even was too selfish to die, too arrogant and egocentric to take his own life. It would probably be better if he weren’t that way, but it was just another one of life’s cruelties. Even had gotten the best of both worlds, the perfect combination for endless suffering. As he peddalled he felt his breathing go a little more shallow, but no. No, he wasn’t going to cry, not now. He had to hold on just a little longer.

Maybe there was a point in him being too self-centred to kill himself. Who knew, maybe years from now he would have a purpose in the world, a purpose that would have somehow made this year in hell a little more worth it. As if that was even possible. But it was harder to let go of that idea than Even always made it seem to be. It was easy to say he didn’t believe in anything, in a god of some sorts, although part of him really wanted to.

Part of him did believe. He had to, if only for his mother, because he had to believe that she was in a better place. She deserved it, if only for having a son like him, she deserved her piece of heaven. Her own dream, up on a cloud somewhere far up there, an afterlife of peace, a world in which she didn’t have to worry about him or anything else. She was probably better off up there than she was down here. Truthfully.

The wind stung his face, dried his eyes, and Even blinked vividly but still sped up. His legs were burning, muscles really getting sore now, but he knew he was getting closer and he decided to just focus on the road there rather than the pain in his body. He focused on all the lefts and rights, the stores he passed, the amount of black cars that he came across. Avoiding the holes in the road, humming a song under his breath. Anything to stop his thoughts.

It got cold fairly soon after that, but Even knew he was getting close. He could light his candles and place them closer to him, form a circle of heat as he wrapped himself in his blanket. It would be uncomfortable, absolutely, but Even didn’t want comfort. Comfort wouldn’t make him any better. Comfort would lull him to sleep and then he would never get around to fixing himself.

He actually hoped that being rather uncomfortable would help him avoid sleep, because he’d much rather stay awake. He hoped that being in his art zone would help him understand what he needed to do in order to achieve the whole goal of this runaway plan.

It wasn’t much of a plan yet, but that would change soon, hopefully. No, Even was pretty sure it would change. So when he parked his bike right outside the building, he felt nothing but relief to have arrived. All he wanted was to hide away there, to finally let his thoughts and feeling out without having to worry about others around him. He could do whatever he wanted here and no one would notice. It felt rather freeing.

He paused outside the entrance only for a minute, thinking back to Isak and what it had been like to bring him here, and then he stepped inside. He stepped inside determined to repair what he had broken, determined to fight his way through hell once and for all. He stepped into the darkness, hoping that once he’d come out, there would be nothing but light.

 

 

\---

_18| Imprisoned_

 

_On these walls lived all the things that made him who he was right now, that made him an unsuitable lover and a person no longer whole. They were a reminder of how bad Even was at coping with his issues, how art wasn’t enough to compensate for grief, for misery. All art did was give those feelings a face, paint a picture of what they were like._

_As he knelt down inside his circle of lights and unzipped his bag, his mind was running a mile a minute, trying to make sense of all the loose ends in his mind. To fix himself he would have to erase each and every one of these paintings, had to make sure it was no longer just a thought put into a picture, but something he lived by._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pray for me that I'll be able to write tomorrow or else I'm going to be so fucking far behind on my schedule


	19. 18| Imprisoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was hard to look at the walls, at all that they held, because it showed him just how rather than running from his problems, he was facing them head on now. Even had realised fairly quickly, after he had lit the first few candles, that this abandoned place he had made his own held all the memories to his year in hell. On these walls he found all the things he needed to confront. When he had painted them on those walls he had thought it would have been enough to put it all behind him, but he had been wrong.

****

**18| Imprisoned**

 

 

**Thursday 00:23**

It was hard to look at the walls, at all that they held, because it showed him just how rather than running from his problems, he was facing them head on now. Even had realised fairly quickly, after he had lit the first few candles, that this abandoned place he had made his own held all the memories to his year in hell. On these walls he found all the things he needed to confront. When he had painted them on those walls he had thought it would have been enough to put it all behind him, but he had been wrong.

On these walls lived all the things that made him who he was right now, that made him an unsuitable lover and a person no longer whole. They were a reminder of how bad Even was at coping with his issues, how art wasn’t enough to compensate for grief, for misery. All art did was give those feelings a face, paint a picture of what they were like.

As he knelt down inside his circle of lights and unzipped his bag, his mind was running a mile a minute, trying to make sense of all the loose ends. To fix himself he would have to erase each and every one of these paintings, had to make sure it was no longer just a thought put into a picture, but something he lived by.

He sat down with his notebook, his legs folded underneath him as he ignored the fact that he was still cold and tired, and he flipped back to the thing he had started in his room earlier that day. His web of flaws, his soon-to-be plan of getting Isak back, or more like- of changing himself enough to live his life no longer in fear.

Even scanned the walls, let his eyes pass all the crosses, the memories of Jannick, his mother’s favourite flower and the number of his father’s room. They settled on Isak’s eyes last, his favourite piece in the room at this point in time, and as he looked at them he could almost imagine the real thing. He could almost see Isak’s smile, the squinting of his eyes as he bared his teeth, and Even smiled fleetingly.

He felt the unwanted company of his past settle around him, as if these walls were closing in on him and telling him, ‘welcome home’. Somehow, tonight, it was comforting. Tonight they gave him their sympathy, because they understood. They understood what it did to him because they were the ones that had caused this, and they damn well knew it too. They watched over him, gently rubbed his back, and enveloped him into their arms knowing well enough that they held all this power over him. Or well, that was what it felt like.

With that annoying tremor still in his hand, he wrote down ‘dad’ below the word ‘uncertainty’. His father was all over these walls. His father was on his mind at all times, and it was time Even would stop running away from his fate. It was time to man up and weigh his decisions before choosing what would be best for his father, what would be in his benefit. His father didn’t deserve to suffer just because Even wasn’t ready to let go of him.

To do that, though, to weigh his decisions, Even would have to talk to Ellen first, and he couldn’t do that now. He couldn’t go see her and ask about what his options were, what she thought as a doctor and as a friend, so really, that plan would just have to go to the end of the list. Maybe by the time he’d get there he would no longer be going through an episode of some sorts. He would just have to start somewhere else.

He had to start with the smaller things, the first of which being: acknowledging what needed to be changed in the first place. And he was doing that now.

The next thing Even wrote, after his father, was ‘grief’. He put it underneath ‘anxiety’, knowing fully well that this was one of the biggest reasons for his anxiety to be a thing. He hadn’t taken the time to deal with his feelings back when his mother had just died. Even had just barged on like it had been nothing. He had stayed with the club while at the same time meeting with people to talk about her funeral and visiting her at the morgue. And it had brought on more anxiety than he had experienced before.

There had been too many other priorities for Even to really let it hit him how his mother would never return, and at the funeral Even had been too busy making everything perfect for him to really feel the weight of his loss and to say goodbye to her. After that day he had had his father to care for, and soon it had all led to a period of mania, which had been the worst way to deal with his grief, so. He had never really properly given himself time for that, and he would have to.

The accident was probably what had been the hardest thing for Even to deal with over the past year. More so than the frequent issues with his disorder, and definitely much more so than the whole thing with Jannick. The loss of a parent was worse than that, because it was something you couldn’t recover from. His disorder had been pretty stable for years and could be like that again, if he changed his lifestyle again, so he knew this downfall wouldn’t be forever.

And then Jannick, the abuse, the memories, the trauma… he could recover from that too. If not by himself then with help. He could go to therapy, get EMDR or replace the old memories with better ones. There were so many methods that could help him feel more at ease, for the abuse to change into a memory of something that had happened to him rather than something that defined him now.

But losing a parent was irrevocable. There was no getting his mother back. He wouldn’t wake up one morning to realise she had returned and was there to take all of his sadness away. He’d have to go through his life without her. All his achievements to come – because he sure hoped he would still achieve some things in life – she wouldn’t get to see. Fuck. With the likeliness of his father not waking up from his coma, it meant he’d be alone for the rest of his life.

He could be alone for the rest of his life.

If he really wanted to, he could start fresh. Throw out this notebook, pack his bags and leave. Just leave. The idea had popped up on the way here, and it was truly his back-up plan in case all else would fail. It was actually quite nice knowing he could do such a thing, that there wasn’t anything really keeping him from leaving. No responsibilities at least, because feelings were still a thing.

His feelings were the only thing holding him back. The feeling of responsibility for his club and all the people involved kept him tied to UiO. His friendship to Vilde, his bond with Ellen, it all made it hard to hurt them, because he would. Somehow they cared more than he had wanted them to. Their hearts were simply too big and Even just had to accept that, but it meant that him leaving, it would hurt them.

And of course there was Isak. His Isak, the light in his darkness, which he had fucked over. They had shared two incredible months together, two months in which Even had probably been the happiest he had been in a long time, if not in his life. All having come to an end.

But in reality his relationship with Isak up until then hadn’t been very honest, because Even hadn’t been very honest. It had been a portrayal of what his life could have been like if he had been a normal person, but he knew that he wasn’t. To say their whole relationship had been a lie would be going a bit too far, because Even’s feelings were real, but he knew it wasn’t what it should be. Maybe it would never be, either. Maybe the best they could do was this, maybe the truth would break whatever they had built up.

Even wouldn’t know if he didn’t try, because the mural had made at least one thing clear: things couldn’t go on this way. Either they both found a way to try and make it work, or they’d break up with each other. Considering the fact that Even was pretty sure he was in love with Isak, there was only one true option.

Any romantic movie would claim the one wise option was to let go of Isak, to give him a chance at a better love, but not Even. Even wanted to fight for love, he’d rather die in the process than give up on it. Like Romeo wouldn’t let anyone part him and his Juliet, Even wouldn’t allow it either.

He knew he was being selfish, knew he should want someone for Isak that wasn’t as fucked up as he was, but he couldn’t set Isak free. If he could, he wouldn’t be going through all this trouble to keep him.

Toying with his pen he thought of more, things he needed to do to become more stable, and remembering his earlier thoughts he wrote down ‘new rules’ underneath ‘bipolar disorder’.

No more alcohol, no more drugs, picking up his medication again. Those were the things that could help him control his disorder as much as possible, and he had completely strayed away from that path, from the rules that he should be following. Which was why it was time he made a list for himself. Like, maybe one beer a week, one joint a month. Just something on paper, something he could hold himself accountable for. Something others could hold him accountable for too.

Then he threw his pen down, the notebook following, and he got out a bottle of water so he could take a sip from it. He still felt rather sluggish, and the cold had reached his hands now. They hurt a little, which was why Even flexed them a few times in an attempt to get the blood flowing, but it didn’t really wake him.

He got his pillow from the second bag, longing for sleep, and he put it in his circle while making sure it was far enough from the candles that he wouldn’t set it on fire at some point during the night. In a moment of clarity he blew out half of the candles around him, realising that if they’d burn out during the night he would have nothing the day after, and luckily the lack of light hid most of the paintings on the walls from his sight too.

As Even took out the blanket he had brought, _their_ blanket, he let the flashbacks wash over him. He pictured Isak’s face against the softness of the fabric, the curling of his mouth after Even had dipped down to kiss him. He remembered the bright golden glow on Isak’s birthday. So many of these memories included Isak smiling at him, and it was such sweet torture to remember.

Even wrapped himself up in the warmth of Isak’s eyes, the softness of his lips, and let his head hit the pillow. The ground below him was rather uncomfortable, and he was sure that in the morning his hips would hurt, but Even wasn’t exactly bothered by it. He stared at the flicker of a candle, the way it danced in the darkness, and as he blew some air towards it he was reminded of life.

If Even were a poet he would have compared himself to that flickering light, trying to grow brighter and bigger, but instead he was always dancing. Up and down, bigger and smaller, brighter and darker. Life, life was the wind, blowing in his direction at different speeds. Sometimes it would blow softly and the flame would only twinkle a little, barely feeling it, but sometimes it would blow hard, like a hurricane, and that would almost get it to extinguish. That hurricane had almost been enough to douse the light, to smother his flame, and for a moment he had been surrounded in darkness.

But Even wasn’t a poet and life didn’t change through poetry. Awareness did not make it go away, but neither did ignorance. It was all a game, a game with many players. Right now, Even was tired of playing and his eyes fell shut time and time again while he tried to keep his eyes on the light, tried to tell himself that he could burn that bright again without burning others around him along with it.

\---

**Thursday 16:00**

When Even woke up and got out his phone, he noticed two things: it was four o’clock in the afternoon and his phone battery was almost dying. Which led to him realise that he hadn’t brought a power-bank, and that his charger was pretty useless without an electricity source. However, the second he thought all of that, he stopped caring. He wouldn’t need his phone for this, it was actually best not to have it around, which was why he turned it off without giving it a second thought. Best to save the battery in case he would, for some reason, need it.

It was four in the afternoon, and Even felt well rested and awake. He knew it wasn’t exactly unusual for him to sleep so much, but it had surprised him how he had managed to do it when his make-shift bed was so painful.

As Even moved, turning onto his back, he felt just how sore his body was. His hips hurt the most, as expected, but his knees did too, and Even groaned before he pushed himself up.

While he looked around he was glad for that bright moment he had had the night before, because indeed, the candles that he had left burning were now almost fully burnt up. Even wondered if he’d be able to light them again that night at all, or if he would just have to throw them out. But he was thankful he’d be able to survive another night before he’d have to come out and do some groceries.

Even picked up his bottle of water and downed half of it, noticing just how thirsty he was, and he knew it was likely still a side-effect of his medication. It was the lithium that had gotten him to catch up on some much-needed sleep, and Even felt a lot calmer now than he had done since his talk with Isak. It helped that he had gone through a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts already too, because that meant he would probably be able to think a little clearer now.

First though, first he had to get up and move, which proved to be harder than Even had expected. He stumbled as he tried to get up from his knees, kicking a candle aside as he staggered towards one of the walls. He placed his hands against it to stop himself from actually crashing into it, and then he took a few deep breaths while he stretched.

He cracked his neck, moving his whole head in a circle while he stood there with his eyes closed, trying to get in touch with his emotions. The realisation of what one was feeling wasn’t usually very important to people, but it was to Even. It could tell him on which side of the line he was, whether he was kind of in the middle or heading to one of the extremes. But he still felt empty, like there wasn’t really anything. No happiness, no anger, just the knowledge that he existed.

It was something he embraced right now, because along with the empty feeling it brought him peace. It got him a clear state of mind, no fights happening in his head, and that meant he could work on his plan soon. Right after this round of stretching. Maybe he could get started on his list of rules or something.

Even pushed himself away from the wall, taking a moment to make sure he was steady on his feet, and then he took a few tiny, tentative steps until it got easier to walk. He let his hand touch the wall just in case his knees would buckle, and that was how he made his way over to the doorway.

The hallway was slightly darker due to the lack of windows, but it was light enough outside to make it easy to see, and he got to the next room without any difficulty. He stopped on the threshold, both hands holding on to the doorway, as his eyes found the wall.

It was still there, as he should have known. Their blue ‘Isak + Even’ with the red heart around it.

And now he stood there, quite unsure whether they still were, whether that heart was still whole or broken back into two pieces. The wall was still empty apart from their names, though, and Even felt the sudden need to add something to it. Their story had progressed so much by now, it deserved to be on there, and so he walked up to the broken floorboard and got on his sore knees to get out what he needed.

Some blue and yellow, some black and white, along with a few brushes too. He shoved them all towards the wall first so he’d have his hands free as he crawled after them. It was a tad painful, but Even grit his teeth and sucked it up nevertheless.  

As he got the lids off the cans of paint, briefly remembering his whole nightly adventure not too long ago, he thought of what to paint. About what could convey their story without making it literal, and all Even could think of was the sun. Because Isak was his sun, the light in his life, and it was why he had picked the yellow paint.

So maybe that could be a thing, maybe he could use that to explain, and he stared at the colours in front of him while he thought about it. Then, slowly and carefully, he picked up a brush and dipped it in one of the cans. And he painted.

Even painted. He painted the sun first, because that was Isak. Isak was his sun, shining his light on Even, which made Even the moon. The sun and moon were right next to each other, but there was some space left in between them. Around the moon Even created stars, one for every problem he could think of, every issue on his list, and then he stood back. They were the start, the moon and the sun, apart from each other until they had met, after which their story continued.

Even decided to paint it in a spiral going down, because that was kind of where they had ended up, and he stuck to the weather, because it was a visual representation of the moods they had gone through.

At first, things had been happy, both of them had been on cloud nine, and so that’s what Even drew: nine tiny clouds all together, along with a tiny sun and moon bouncing on top of them. They had been on cloud nine, and for a while that had meant that the sun had warmed them without any interference from the rain, the thunder, or any hurricanes below that layer of clouds. They had been perfect together, shielded from each other’s problems.

But then the clouds had shifted, and they had fallen through. Both of them. As secrets had been revealed, the holes they created got them to fly down through the air, sometimes at rocket speed, other times as if they were feathers floating in the sky. They had gone through the bed of clouds and they had felt how it had started to rain.

The rain, it resembled the first cracks in their carefully painted picture, in their illusion of perfection, and it had happened through Even finding out about Isak’s mother, and Isak finding out about Jannick. That had been the start, but it had not yet been a downpour, oh no. It had been far from a downpour.

The downpour, the actual change in weather? That had been Magnus. Even’s paranoia and Isak’s lack of understanding, it had made the rain come down harder. So hard, that it had left them unable to really see each other through it all, and that had been the worst. For it had led to the final stage: the thunder.

Even drew black clouds with flashes of lightning, and it represented his mistake of outing his boyfriend as well as Isak’s anger, it showed them how unstable things were, for lighting could strike again at any given time. They weren’t out of the clear yet, which was why Even stopped it there. The space hadn’t been filled yet, but that was okay.

Their story wasn’t over.

 

 

\---

_18| ???_

 

_It was hard to look at the walls, at all that they held, because it showed him just how rather than running from his problems, he was facing them head on now. Even had realised fairly quickly, after he had lit the first few candles, that this abandoned place he had made his own held all the memories to his year in hell. On these walls he found all the things he needed to confront. When he had painted them on those walls he had thought it would have been enough to put it all behind him, but he had been wrong._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all and the sweet comments you leave me <333


	20. 19| Jannick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The man that had been his first love still looked the way he had when Even had fallen for him, but only a little more grown up. His curls had grown and he had stubble on his chin that looked rough, more like he hadn’t been able to shave in a while than an actual fashion choice. Yet, Even hated how he still looked good, how this man still took his breath away after everything he had put him through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!! mentions of rape, abuse and violence!!!

**19| Jannick**

 

 

 

**Saturday 06:28**

It was a stupid decision, an irrational decision, Even was aware of that, but he couldn't stop himself. The anger and desperation inside of him that had been brewing there for so long now made it that he needed to get an answer. If he wanted the empty, lost feeling inside of him to ever fade away, if he ever wanted to get over his issues and get better for Isak, then he had to do this.

Even had spent the most part of his Friday thinking of everything he could do to fix himself. He had written the list of rules he would have to follow for his disorder, he had let himself cry for hours on end while he had talked out loud to his mother. It had been his first step of grief, his first moments of completely letting go, of opening up his heart and let out his soul. He had been wailing, sobbing, begging for an explanation. It had been a start.

So, Even had truly started his journey towards a better version of himself, towards a healthier him, but everything came circling back to Jannick. Especially everything related to his issues with Isak. He had tried to write a love letter, but it hadn’t worked. He had tried to compare Isak and Jannick, but he was left again with all the questions of why.

Without working out his issues with Jannick, he would never be a good lover for Isak. Bipolar or not, one of the biggest demons in their relationship had been Even’s distrust, his skewed ideas of what love was like, and those were traces of Jannick’s presence. To get anywhere at all, he had to fight that demon, had to find a way to exorcise him from his life. And there was only one way Even know how.

Which was why he had left his safe-house at three in the morning, taking nothing but his smaller backpack and his bike, and he had rode it to Oslo central station. There he had bought a ticket to Oslo Lufthavn, and without a second glance he had gotten on that bus and left Oslo city behind him, not looking back once.

Now, now it was six in the morning and Even had been there for over an hour, but getting in line had proven to be harder than he had expected it to. He had given himself time to really make sure this was what he wanted to do. He had needed to be a thousand percent sure that he was ready for the confrontation, that he would be strong enough not to let it break him. But Isak had made him stronger, Isak had shown him there was another way, and that meant that he had nothing to fear from seeing Jannick again.  

"I would like one ticket for the next flight to Copenhagen, please," He told the lady behind the desk when it was finally his turn. Fuck it, fuck all of his fear, he could fucking do this. He wasn’t manic, he wasn’t depressed, no, Even was fine. He was fine and he would get on a plane despite his fucking fear of it, because there were other things he feared more at this point.

The girl behind the desk didn't look up from her computer. Instead she kept typing, the sound of the keyboard already annoying him, as she loudly chewed on her bubble gum. Her disinterest was quickly worsening his mood. Did she not know how difficult it was for him to stand here? Did she not get that he was making a life-changing decision? Fuck her.

Even's rage grew with every pop of the gum and he balled his fists beside him. He had to stay focused, making a scene because he was annoyed would only make it he would be thrown out of the airport, but it was surprising how quickly his mood has turned sour.

"Return ticket or a single?" The girl asked, sounding just as uninterested as she looked, and Even cleared his throat as he thought that through rather than focusing on that popping of gum. He would return, right? He would come back here, for the club, for Isak. This would only be a visit, he wasn't going to see Jannick to make up with him. Yet something told Even that he shouldn't get a return ticket, simply because he had no idea when he would return.

It could be that Jannick no longer lived at the address Even had or it could be that they’d finish their talk soon enough and Even would be back on the plane within a few hours then. Or, or things could happen, his unstable ever-changing feelings could make him stay. A return ticket had a set time, and Even couldn’t live that way.

"A one-way ticket, thank you," He answered, and after a heartbeat his annoyance took over again just long enough for him to add a pissed-off sounding, "you know, maybe you should take out that gum. It's really unprofessional." Even couldn’t help it, he knew he could get very petty at times, mostly when he leaned towards depression, so maybe he had crossed the line from mania to depression on his way down the queue.

And now he had run his mouth. He hadn't been able to keep his annoyance in check. Screw his stupid fucking mouth. The girl stopped typing and cast up her eyes to look at him before demonstratively blowing another bubble. It only made that little blob of anger grow its flames inside of Even, and really, he should have known better.

The girl returned her attention to the screen, luckily not seeing the way Even had to keep himself in check once more, and she held out one hand towards Even still unaware of it. "Passport," she ordered and Even groaned while he handed it to her, adding a pissed off sounding, "please," and a faked, happy sounding, "Oh, it's no problem, you're welcome!"

If she wasn't going to do it then he would. Screw her. Screw her nasty bitchy remarks and her nauseating- no, fuck. Fucking focus.

The girl started typing in his information, looking rather unimpressed, and Even tried not to listen to the irregular tapping of her nails against the keys. After a minute, when Even was already tapping his own foot to the beat of the keys in sheer impatience, she returned his passport, "way of payment?" 

Even put away his passport and got out his parents' card, "credit card," he said as he handed it to her and she sighed, "okay, that will be 510 kroner. Boarding starts in 15 minutes, the plane takes off in an hour. Have a safe trip," it sounded like the girl was giving a routine explanation, her voice monotone, and Even kind of wanted to hit her stupid face.

She sounded rather sarcastic too, as if she didn't want him to have a safe trip at all, and Even sunk to her level once more, using the same tone as he said, "have a nice day." He took his boarding pass and his credit card and walked off, glad at least that situation hadn't escalated as much as it could have. They hadn’t thrown him out of the airport and that was good.  

Even slowly made his way to the right gate with nothing but the backpack that he had taken with him in the first place. Inside was one fresh outfit, in case he would be out a few days, and his phone, but not much more. He didn't really feel like he needed anything else on this trip, so why would he bring more? His blanket and pillow, all his other stuff, it was all at his safe-place.

His phone was still turned off, only to be used in emergencies, and he knew that Vilde had probably been trying to call him already, maybe Isak too, but soon enough that list would grow. He had to be out of the country before that happened. Which was exactly why he was glad he could board the plane so soon. Because even if Ellen found out that he had used his credit card the moment he had bought the ticket, she wouldn't be able to get to him in time now. He was Copenhagen bound. 

"Good morning sir," the woman at the gate told him, and Even was pleased to see that at least she had manners. "Good morning," he answered, still a little grumpy, but his mood already lifting some again. She scanned his ticket, looked at his passport once more, and then he was allowed to enter.

He was about to enter a plane, and it made him pause at the windows, stare at the large machine he was close to boarding, and he took a deep breath. He remembered his talk with Isak, on top of the roof, and how he said he was no longer scared of planes but of cars instead. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Even still saw that thing and knew that if something would malfunction it would, without a doubt, kill him.

Still he got on it, climbed the stairs, walked down the path between rows and sat in the designated chair, and took a breath. He had made it without anyone finding him. He would be off to start his journey soon, and the fear that made his body tremble as he buckled his belt was slightly overpowered by pride. If only they could all see how he was overcoming his fears. Would they be proud as well?

They’d have to agree with him that this was courageous. He was throwing caution to all of his instincts, running towards the fire rather than away from it. The plane, Copenhagen, Jannick. Instead of trying to climb out with his heart half broken, he was crawling deeper into hell in the hope that the fire would melt the broken pieces together.

And once he’d come back, come back from it all, he would be worthy of Isak’s love. He promised. He had made so many promises, and he had to keep them all. For Isak. He had to remember that he was doing this all for Isak, for a shot at real love with someone who wanted him even with the pile of shit that came with him.

Him going to see Jannick, it was to let go of him for once and for all. It was to tell that fucker what he had done, to show him just how strong Even had grown now he had someone like Isak. He had to let it go. And so he sat on that plane and let it take him all the way to Copenhagen.

\---

**Saturday 8:43**

Copenhagen was cold and rainy, exactly the way Even felt inside. He had been able to walk straight to the exit, not needing to stop at the luggage pick-up, and into the fresh air of the city. The drops of rain on his face woke up him up some, and it was there, right outside the airport, where he had his first moment of panic. The first moment where he thought of all that could go wrong now that he was here.

It was a long shot after all, going to the address Jannick had lived at while they had been dating, for he might not even live there anymore. They had gone to Copenhagen during their autumn break together, and they had stayed at what Jannick had claimed to be a shared apartment. But for all Even knew he had moved away after they had broken up and Jannick had returned to Denmark. He could meet a stranger at that door.

Still, Even realised that he wouldn’t know for sure without trying. And maybe just the fact that he was here, the fact that he got to walk the same streets as he had done with Jannick’s hand in his, maybe that was enough therapy to help him get over it. Maybe realising someone else lived in that house was exactly what he needed. He could imagine Jannick had just died, that he was no longer breathing the same air as Even, as Isak.

But he hoped he was wrong, because Even knew hoping for anything else was hoping for a way out, and that wasn’t courageous, it was cowardly.

Even got out his wallet and handed his credit card to a taxi driver. As the man took it, Even gave him the address that had been written on a crumpled note. Jannick’s handwriting stared at him, mocking him about the fact that after so long Even still had it.

He had tried to throw it out, had already balled it up one time and it had gone as far as being dumped in the trash, but he hadn’t been strong enough to go through with it. Half an hour later he had fished it out again, had flattened it and put it in a hidden pocket in his wallet. Out of sight, but not gone. Until Isak’s letter and the revelation that had followed.

The driver nodded and he handed Even back his credit card before he put on his seatbelt and started the car. And off they were. The car drove off, the airport getting smaller and smaller behind him as Copenhagen grew. They were on their way to Jannick, possibly, hopefully, and Even had his second moment of panic in that cab.

Because what would he do if it wasn't Jannick, or worse, if it _was_ Jannick that would open that door? What would he say? He had spent the whole flight trying to think of words to say, which had helped him get through the worst of his anxiety, but he hadn't settled on anything exactly for that reason too. Whenever the plane would move, giving him those tingles in his body, he had squeezed the chair a little tighter, and he had lost whatever train of thought he had been on.

It would be most likely that Even would show up there, see Jannick’s face and start rambling anyway. He had remembered what it had been like breaking up with the guy, and that hadn’t been much easier. In the end all Even had been able to say was ‘get out. I’m breaking up with you. Get out’ on repeat while Jannick tried to ‘baby, please listen to me’ him. This probably wouldn’t be much better. If he dared to press the doorbell, of course. If he'd even make it that far.

No, he would. He would, because he was a thousand times stronger than he had been the day he had broken up with Jannick. Even had been in a stable relationship where he had a say in what he wanted and what he didn’t, although that relationship was going through deep waters right now, but Isak had shown him patience and kindness and had taught him how to open up.

But Even still felt restless, irritable from the girl at the airport, and he was thankful he had picked a driver who wasn't into talking so much, because if that had been the case then it could have gotten worse than it already was and he could have definitely been kicked out of the cab. His mind was all over the place like that, still a jumbled mess of thoughts and he hated how this was his life. Hated how he just had to accept that he would be like that at times, but he was trying to grow around it.

The car stopped in front of the building he recognised from their autumn trip. It was a small house that Jannick had shared with one other person, who he had never gotten the chance to meet. It was exactly how he remembered it, and he felt himself slip back in time, to that beautiful week during autumn break where this had been their home together.

Jannick had his own doorbell for 38A, his friend had a doorbell for 38B. And Even remembered everything that had happened there, how Jannick had worked so hard to make this trip about fixing their issues, how he had built them up only to knock them down again. Like wind blowing through a house of cards, Even had collapsed so easily, his bones having been too light to take the blow.

Because Jannick had known Even had been losing it. He had grown tired, had been onto him and his games, and it wouldn’t have been much longer before Even would have ended things. And so Jannick had suggested some time away together. He had apologised, had said he had never meant for things to get that far, and he had taken Even to Copenhagen and kissed him better. He had been the perfect gentleman if only for a week.

"Thank you," He told the driver as he opened his door and turned to get out. The man told him, "enjoy your stay," which Even knew wouldn't be happening, and so he didn't reply as he swung the door shut behind him. After a few seconds the car drove off, leaving him standing there, on the other side of the road from where Jannick had lived. Where he possibly still lived. 

And for the first time since he came up with the idea to visit, he felt nothing. He felt no anger, no fear, nothing at all. He was empty again inside, could almost hear the wind passing past his bones, and his body felt heavy, as if he was about to collapse on the ground, and so he sat down on the edge of the curb with his arms around his knees and stared up at the house.

Right there, on the top floor where the same black curtains kept out all the sunlight, there was Jannick’s room. It was a beautiful room, with a beautiful bed, and Even had loved in there. He had loved so hard and so purely that he had been blind to what had been happening to him. In that week, Jannick had sewn his eyes shut, had pretended to be as in love as Even had truly been, and so he had gone blind and he hadn’t seen what had really been going on. The abuse.

It hadn’t been him who had come to that conclusion either. It had been Eskild who had called it that. Eskild who had found him one day, bruised and battered and in tears because he hadn’t been good enough, he had angered Jannick. Eskild had listened to him explain everything and he had said, ‘Even, he is abusing you.’ And Vilde, she too had told him, "Even, that is rape. No consent means it is rape." 

But Even found it hard to believe that it had been that. Rape. After all he had never told Jannick no, he had never said he didn’t want it and so Jannick couldn’t have known. Every day he would let it happen, he would give in because he felt like it was what he was supposed to do. What he had to do to be a good boyfriend to him. And yes, sometimes he hadn't really wanted to, like during a short depressive episode, but he hadn't wanted Jannick to leave him because of something so stupid. Still, that wasn't rape, right?

Even wasn't sure anymore. Because with Isak, with Isak things were different. Isak spent days just sitting around with him, laughing at his stupid jokes and curling up next to Even without wanting anything more. Isak had given him plenty of time to make up his mind about where his boundaries were if he had needed to set some. Isak had told him that he was crazy for feeling the need to satisfy him sexually every day and how that was not what made him a good boyfriend. So basically all that Jannick had told him had been lies. Even's first real love had been a lie. 

The pain of that, of realising how Jannick had twisted Even's idea of love, how he had fucked him up so much, how Even had fucked up his relationship with Isak partly thanks to Jannick's actions, it brought back the hatred that had made him go to the airport in the first place. Because it made him angry, it made him so angry to know that any human being was capable of doing something like that to another person.

As Even stared at that house, as he thought of everything that angered him about what had happened to him, he remembered all the times where he should have stopped it, where he _could_ have stopped it, but he hadn’t. Like the time where he had left Jannick's dorm room close to tears, after Jannick having gone bare-back and having fallen asleep without even getting Even off. Or that time in public where Jannick had been so rough in that private bathroom that it had been hard for Even to walk without whimpering. He remembered the humiliation of walking around campus being called a fucktoy and a whore.

Jannick had cut so deep that he had killed whatever self-respect Even had had left. And Eskild had found him on the rooftop one night, ironically - the night Even was supposed to break up with Jannick. He had found Even on the rooftop of the club’s building, having come to look whether the talk had gone well, and Even swore he had been ready to just jump that night. He swore he would have done it. Because anything would have been better than actually telling Jannick ‘no’. But Eskild had dragged him back and had wrapped his arms around Even, and he hadn't let go until Even had started crying and had crumbled in his arms. 

It was Eskild he had talked to first, Eskild who told him that he wasn't to blame. Eskild who had told him that it wasn't his fault. Eskild who had told him that his relationship with Jannick was toxic, that Jannick had abused him. And Eskild had saved his life that night too.

Eskild had been so angry when he found out the truth, and he had kept repeating he would kill Jannick over and over. He had kept repeating how Even had to file a report and get him locked up and how Even should just ignore everyone at school. Rumours would die down, although they sure deserved to know the truth. But Even didn't want that. He couldn't file a report against the person he had been so in love with, and he couldn't tell the truth either because no one would believe him. 

So Even did nothing, although with Eskild's help he did eventually break up with Jannick. Eskild let him stay in his room, Eskild walked him to class, Eskild let him cry and rant and Even slowly started healing. People thought Even had moved on from Jannick to Eskild, which had sparked another round of nasty comments, but those Even could let slip, he knew they weren't true.

A week later Jannick had been gone. He had disappeared without leaving a trace, his room empty and none of his friends knowing where he had gone off too. Everyone’s guess had been that he had gone back to Denmark. His phone number no longer worked, Even had tried calling it in a moment of weakness, and so it felt like he had never existed at all. For a while, at least.

But it hadn’t taken away Even's pain, in fact it had made it worse. Even broken heart had taken another blow as the realisation had hit that he hadn't even meant enough to Jannick for him to say goodbye. And then, about a month later, Even had found a letter in his mail. A letter from Jannick, explaining everything that had happened. How he had been seeing someone behind his back, how he had left to go back to Denmark to be with her. How Even had been nothing but a real life sex-toy that Jannick had been able to use while he wasn’t around her.

It had been enough to make Even feel like everything he had once known to be true, had burnt down to the ground. It had made him feel like he had lost himself, had made him forgot who he truly was inside, and he had needed to start finding himself all over. If only he had known about all the shit that would be happening half a year later, then maybe he would have been able to jump sooner, before Eskild came to save him.

There weren't any lights on in the house, but it was still rather early and a Saturday, so Jannick could be sleeping in. Maybe he wasn't home. Maybe he was at work, living a normal life in which he never thought of Even again. Maybe he was sharing his bed with her, whoever she was.

Those thoughts, all those realisations, they were the final push he needed to get up and cross the road, and his legs carried him while his mind was trying to push him back, back to the pavement. But his arm raised on its own accord, his index finger ready, and he marched right up to the door, and he didn't stop there. He rang the doorbell, he could hear it buzz, and that was it. His fate was sealed. Whatever would happen now would happen. Either the door would open or it wouldn’t.

All Even could do was wait for something to happen, although for a while it seemed like nothing would be happening. He heard no movement on the other side, saw no lights being turned on. There was nothing, and Even wasn’t sure whether he felt relief or disappointment.

He considered ringing the bell again, and he stared at the number plate to see if there were any names on it. It was then that he noticed how the bell for 38B had been taped down, clearly no longer in use, and as Even tried to think of what that could mean, his ears finally picked up on sounds from inside. A blurry shape appeared behind the glass, then a lock was being turned and Even took a tiny step back as the door swung open. 

And then his heart stopped beating in his chest, time making the world stop turning around him. Around them. His feet were glued to the floor and his eyes wouldn't shut anymore. He was unable to move, standing there like a statue, as if the image in front of him had turned him into stone. Jannick still lived there. Jannick was there, right there in front of Even, and he wasn’t alone. 

The man that had been his first love still looked the way he had when Even had fallen for him, but only a little more grown up. His curls had grown and he had stubble on his chin that looked rough, more like he hadn’t been able to shave in a while than an actual fashion choice. Yet, Even hated how he still looked good, how this man still took his breath away after everything he had put him through. 

On Jannick's arm was a boy, a young boy who couldn't be much more than a year old, with light blonde curls and blue eyes, and he was leaning against Jannick's shoulder, a thumb stuck in his mouth as he looked at Even. There was an ominous thought poking at Even's brain, but he refused to let it in because he knew it would kill him if he did. It would kill him, undoubtedly.

"Even?" Jannick asked, the shock visible on his face, and hearing that asshole say his name finally released Even from the hold that he had been in. He could breathe again, could move again too, and he felt a tremor that started in his hands and slowly built up all the way through his body.

Because this was it. Here he was, standing in front of the guy who had ruined his life, who was responsible for his pain, responsible for fucking him up to a point where he'd felt he would never be good enough for anyone ever again. And the anger took over, it finally took over. It seeped into every vein, made his head spin with the intensity of it, and he could no longer hold back.

"Why?" He demanded, his voice darker and more pained than he had expected it to be, "why did you do to me what you did?" He had to ball his hands into fists in a weak attempt to try to calm himself, because a storm was raging inside of him and he felt it clawing at him from all sides. Lightning was shooting sparks through his nerves, a tornado was messing up the house of cards he had so carefully been rebuilding again. The glue was melting in the rain, the cards flopping down one by one. But it didn’t matter.

Because he was here, and he finally got to confront his biggest demon. He was here, within reach, and unable to run from Even. Because Even wasn’t going anywhere. Not until this anger had bled out of him and left him empty. He wouldn’t leave until then, because when he did leave, he planned to never return again. This was the last time he would see Jannick Thorsen, no matter the outcome.

Jannick didn't move, he didn’t speak either, he just looked at Even like he was still too shocked to say anything. And Even couldn't take it, couldn’t take the silence. He’d rather take an insult, a painful stab at how stupid he had been to fall for someone like him, than silence.

"Fucking tell me! Tell me why you ruined me! Tell me why you thought it was funny to play with me, to break me into a million pieces and then leave me behind like an empty shell. I want to know! I need to know!" He was full on screaming now, tears welling up in his eyes, and the boy in Jannick's arms had starting to cry, "pappa, pappa," hiding his face from Even. 

Pappa. He called Jannick pappa.

Even stared at the little boy, tried to see the resemblances, and they were there, alright. They were there, yet Even tried to deny it. Jannick was a father now? The father of this young boy, this boy that was old enough to talk already, old enough to walk too, clearly, for Jannick set him down he whispered soothingly, "it's okay, go to mommy.” And the boy held on to the wall as he took careful steps back into the house, and Even's brain was finally picking up. 

This boy was really Jannick's son. And Even and Jannick broke up a little over a year ago, which meant that if he were to calculate back in time... "you fucking bastard. You-" Even got overwhelmed by emotions, feeling his breath catch so quickly that he was scared he would faint, and he brought up his hands to cover his face as the tears finally started coming.

Jannick had been with someone while they had been dating, he knew that, but he hadn’t known just how long. But now he was counting back, assuming that Jannick left around the time the boy would have been born and- autumn break. Nine months back from that moment left them at autumn break. Jannick had gotten a girl pregnant on their trip to Copenhagen. Their trip to work things out between them. 

Even had barely taken two steps sideways before he was throwing up in the rose bushes in the tiny garden in front of the house. Oh, the irony, puking on roses. He heaved again, his body shivering as it tried to get out everything there was left in Even’s stomach, and luckily he hadn't eaten a lot. As he stood there hunched over the roses in Jannick’s garden, a sour taste in his mouth and tears streaming down his face, he wished he hadn't come there at all. This felt more degrading than any words ever could. He would take being called a 'fuck-toy' over this any day of his life, but it was too late now. The damage had already been done.

"Even," He heard his name and felt a hand on his back, Jannick's hand, and the scorching heat that sparked his rage returned within that single touch. He turned and pushed his ex-boyfriend away from him, making him stumble backwards, but it had been way too weak to do much else.

"Don't. Touch. Me," Even hissed, "I don't want you to touch me ever again!" He was screaming by the time he said those last two words, but he didn’t care. He didn’t fucking care anymore.

Jannick held up his hands in surrender and Even wanted to kill him for the fact that he still acted like he was the innocent one here, like he hadn't done anything wrong. But Even would give him time to talk, would let him explain himself. Even wasn’t in a rush, he could wait here all day. He just had to get this over with, had to deal with this before he could leave. He needed an answer.

The man in front of him was visibly looking for the right words, his hands still up in the air as he did, and his voice was soft and reminded Even of times where Jannick had tried apologising to him before, "I- I didn't mean for us to end the way we did. I never meant to get her pregnant, but she did and I fell in love with her. So when you broke up with me and I heard she had given birth, I- I had to leave." 

It would have been a completely understandable explanation if it hadn't been for the fact that Jannick was completely missing the point. Even didn't want to know why he had left, he didn’t want to know why he was here with a little boy running around the house to brighten his days. He wanted to know why he had treated Even the way he had. Fuck, leaving was the best possible thing Jannick could have done to Even, that wasn't what angered him. How could the guy not see that?

"I don't give a shit about you leaving," Even cried out, "I don't care you cheated, ‘cause I know what kind of guy you are. Why would I want to know about your life now when I know the girl inside will await the same fate as me? No, I'm talking about why you abused me, why you fucking _raped_ me, you asshole!" 

Jannick was staring at him, his jaw tight and his eyes unsettled, and he was making a hushing sound. The asshole even looked back to see if Even’s words had alarmed his girlfriend, wife, whatever she was. He closed the door a little further and kept his voice down when he answered, "raped you, Even? What the hell are you on about? Everything we did you always let me do. You have not once told me you didn't like it or didn’t want it." 

Even brought his hands up to his head and he twisted his fingers into his hair, pulling on the strands as he tried to keep himself from making this physical. "Exactly, I always let you. Because if I dared speaking up about how you made me bleed from places you’re not supposed to fucking bleed, if I’d say anything about how you bruised me and used me, you'd go and tell your friends stories about me. I did tell you no, a few times, but you'd pin me down and fuck me even harder, telling me to shut my dirty mouth. Do you really not remember that?" Even let himself be brought back to how he had felt those times, how he had learned not to speak up and thought it was normal. 

Jannick kept silent, standing still and looking pained. Did he regret it? Would he apologize and, more importantly, could Even forgive him if he did? He wasn't sure he ever could, especially now that Jannick wasn't telling him he was wrong to think what he thought, how he had misunderstood. But now he was quiet, and this was the first time he wasn't denying it had happened, which was only more conformation for Even that he was right about this. That Eskild had been right about this. 

"I want nothing to do with you anymore, Jannick Thorsen," the name dripped from his lips like poison, the disgust was noticeable to Even's own ears, "but to move on I need to know why you did it. Why me? What fucked you up, what is it that made you so dark that you could do something that awful to someone? To me?" His voice was calm, calmer than he expected to be, and Jannick averted his eyes as he listened. 

There was silence, though, and the longer it dragged on the less certain Even was he would get an answer to his question. So he tried once more, he got closer to Jannick, almost cornering him, and he with his head held high he spat out, "coward."

The insult was enough to trigger Jannick, and the guy groaned, "I'm not a-" "then tell me why the fuck you did it!" Even was screaming the words in Jannick's face and finally, fucking finally, Jannick yelled back in return, "because I fucking could, okay?!"

Even went quiet at that, feeling his wildly beating heart plummeting to his feet again. Because he fucking could? That- that was it? Was that really his reason for turning Even’s life into a fucking nightmare?

"What?" His voice was small, broken and way too vulnerable. He couldn't help it. He had expected something about how maybe Jannick had been through the same and it had made him that way, or an explanation that just showed Even how fucked up he was inside. Just something that he would be able to understand as a reason, no matter the fact that it wouldn't fix anything. But this? 

"You let me do it, didn't you? So I did, I did because I could. Because all I really wanted from you was your body,” Jannick seemed to get into it now, his voice turning filthy, and it reminded Even of their relationship. He had used just the same tone of voice. “You were way too naïve for me, thinking you could fix the world by starting some stupid club and thinking love is like in the movies. But your body, you were fucking amazing,” Jannick’s eyes roamed, and Even felt dirty.

“So I took and I took, because you let me. It is your own fault if you think I abused you and raped you, because that's not the truth. All I did that you have a right to be angry about was cheat and tell stories about you that weren’t always true. Now if you can't forgive that, then-" Jannick kept on talking and talking, his words slashing open wounds that Even had spent months trying to sew shut. He tugged on the stitches with his words before ripping them out with his bare hands, leaving Even bleeding once again. But he knew, he knew Jannick was only lying, and so he turned around.

He rushed down the path, back to the street where he started running down the pavement, leaving Jannick behind him mid-story. The guy was lying, he had to be. None of that was true, none. Eskild had said so. Vilde had. Isak. Isak had shown him what love was really about, Jannick just didn't know it. Jannick didn't know how to love and he probably never would. He was so out of touch with what feelings could do to a person. He had to be, Even had to hold on to that idea.

Even had barely turned the corner before his legs gave way. He slid to the ground, his knees painfully hitting the stones, and he used his hands to sit himself down as his vision was already blurred by tears. He dropped his face in his painful, hurt hands and started sobbing loudly, his shoulders shaking with the force of his weeping. He broke down in the middle of the street, unable to control himself any longer.

Had it been a mistake to go here? Should he have left it for what it was, forever unresolved but at peace? No, it was good he had gone here. At least now he knew, at least now he could really leave this behind him. He could go back and erase Jannick from his life. He could talk to Isak about it and let him teach Even how to love. If Isak would take him back now, after what he had done to hurt him.

His whole life Even had felt like a burden, like someone that shouldn’t take up space. And he was feeling it again. He hadn’t felt it in a while, having the club to give him purpose in life, but that could only help so much. And now he had fucked over Isak, he had disappointed someone once again, and he felt like he didn’t deserve another chance. Why was he allowed to breathe when he ruined everything he loved? Why did good people have to die while he lived, alive but disabled? He’d never live a normal life, he’d never not hurt people, because bipolar disorder couldn’t be cured.

If Isak wouldn’t take him back, then what was the point of having fixed himself? What was the point of getting himself to go through all of the pain he had hidden away so carefully if there wouldn’t be any good coming from it? And the truth was there wasn’t. If Isak wouldn’t take him back, Even wasn’t sure he’d survive.

 

\---

_20| Stranger_

 

_Even’s feet fell to the ground as the chair that they had rested on was being pulled back. Even stopped drawing – more like scratching- and looked up, ready to lash out at whoever had managed to rudely awaken him from his thoughts, but when he looked up he lost the will to do so._

_A young woman, probably around his age, sat down in the chair. She put down a large steaming mug in front of him along with her own, and she was smiling. Even blinked at her, stared at the cup to see it held coffee, and he was trying to understand why she was here. He had wanted to be invisible, why had she ruined that?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this scene the day after skam ended, just to show how long I have been waiting to post this... that was June..... two months ago. It all came pouring out :--)  
> I love this chapter a lot <333 anyway, hope you guys are still holding up!


	21. 20| Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even’s feet fell to the ground as the chair that they had rested on was being pulled back. Even stopped drawing – more like scratching- and looked up, ready to lash out at whoever had managed to rudely awaken him from his thoughts, but when he looked up he lost the will to do so.  
> A young woman, probably around his age, sat down in the chair. She put down a large steaming mug in front of him along with her own, and she was smiling.

**20| Stranger**

 

 

**Saturday 10:54**

Somehow Even managed to pick himself up, to push himself off the ground and wipe away his tears, and he was forever thankful that he was wearing his hoodie so he could hide his head and look down at his feet as he walked. That way no one would see his red eyes and swollen nose and ask him any questions. He could just blend into the crowd of people walking the streets, and no one would think of him any differently.

Even wasn’t sure which was to go, but he followed whichever way most of the people around him went, hoping it would lead him to the city centre. At least there he’d know the way a little better, and he could buy some food and water there too. Not that he was hungry, but still. It had been a while since he had eaten, and there was only one granola bar left in his backpack.

He had to stock up, had to get his mind back in order to focus on his plan, but it was hard. Even had only just seen Jannick, had only just confronted him, and his body hadn’t yet stopped trembling. After all of that he didn’t feel like picking up his adventure again just yet. He needed some time to let everything out, to bring himself back out of the panic he felt coursing through him.

Somehow Even totally forgot about the fact that he was part of traffic, but a honking car reminded him and pulled him out of his thoughts. He realised, as the world came back into focus, that he had stepped off the pavement without looking sideways first. He should have let this car pass, and it was likely the car had thought the same, so maybe Even should be lucky that he was still walking rather than lying on the floor getting hit.

Wasn’t that what he had wanted though? For so long, Even had wanted exactly that, had tried to make cars hit him. Maybe he had gone about that the wrong way back then, maybe he should have just walked onto the street at a moment no one expected him to. But this was another case of ‘almost’, and Even felt nothing. He didn’t feel glad and he didn’t feel sad, he only felt that same damn emptiness.

The car honked again, and Even lifted his head to look at the driver, who was throwing his hands up in the air as his mouth moved, probably spewing profanities from inside the confined space. Even wasn’t in the mood. He really didn’t want to deal with this, wanted to be invisible instead. Fuck this guy, fuck him for being an asshole about this.

Even paused right in front of the car and locked eyes with the driver. The guy, who looked much younger than Even, calmed down a little, but he still threw up a hand as if to ask ‘why the fuck are you still on the road?’. Even raised his own hand too, flipped the guy off, and he laughed at the startled expression on the driver’s face as he held out his middle finger before he went on his way again.

Screw that asshole, couldn’t he see that Even was trying to disappear in the crowd? Couldn’t he just have let it be instead of making everyone in the area pay attention to him? Apparently not. It made Even rush, pushing past people who had been staring, and he felt possibly worse than he had before. He had to sit, he had to calm down, before he would resort to violence.

When Even looked up to check where he was, he saw water. Water and a bridge. It was, to Even’s surprise, a bridge that he knew. This was the bridge that connected Jannick’s neighbourhood to the city centre. Dronning Louises bridge.

Even had been there with Jannick while on their trip. They had taken out bikes and made their way around the city before spending the rest of their afternoon sitting there, on that bridge, basking in the sun. It had been such a happy day, so peaceful too, but now all it did was leave a bitter taste in his mouth. All of that turned to ashes as Even watched every memory of them together burn in his mind. It truly felt like looking at a picture that was slowly catching fire, starting on the edges, scorching the paper ever so slowly and taking the memory with it.

Even wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, but he found he had no energy to care either way. He let it be, let it happen as he walked, crossed the street while looking this time.

He wouldn’t cross that bridge. He would rather walk all the way to the next bridge than cross this one and see the exact spot where they had sat, where they had laughed and kissed. Lies, all lies. God, had Jannick been great at faking things. He had been the fucking best. Sharing food, staring at each other, going home to make love. Or so Even had thought. Lies.

No, he wouldn’t cross that bridge, which was why he turned right to follow a path alongside the river to get to the next bridge, and he disappeared into the crowd of people once more.

Graffiti lined the walls there, different kind of colours that made Even think back to his painting on campus, and he averted his eyes to stop his train of thought before it would be too late. No thinking about Isak now, not this soon after Jannick, not while his heart was still aching painfully in his chest. He didn’t want to smudge his memory of Isak, didn’t want to accidentally have one of those memories catch fire like each of Jannick’s did now.

Even didn’t pause, he walked on while taking in other things instead. Like how people were seated on the benches and the grass, most of them seeming to be tourists, and how there were plenty of sporty people out there, going for a morning jog.

All of them were smiling, and they appeared to be so much happier than him, which – to be fair - wasn’t that difficult actually. There was a group of friends that was joking around, one of them having tugged down the pants of the other far enough to see his underwear. There was a lady with a dog along with a young kid that had stopped to pet it, and there was a couple sharing a raspberry bar on one of the benches.

No one there looked the same as him. No one looked like they had just gotten their heart broken into a million pieces all over again, any previous healing having been undone. No one looked like they had just lost something, like they didn’t know what to do anymore. He was the only one, and he was glad he was, because that meant people would be too focused on their own happiness to see how down he was.

As he walked, slowly, his hands tucked into his pockets, he watched the water. He watched the dark waves in the middle of the lakes and the smooth water nearby. There was a small sort of island not too far from the bridge that housed a café of some sorts. There were people out there having breakfast, sitting and staring across the water too, and Even paused in front of it. The café was called ‘kaffesalonen’ and the main shop was a bit further back, on the main road.

He wasn’t in the mood for coffee or anything else, but he could sit down at one of the tables towards the back. Then no one would see him, no one would bother him either, and that was all he wanted right now. He wanted to see nothing but the water. No people smiling at him, no people kissing each other. He just wanted to sit in silence, feel the sun on his skin, and watch the waves create patterns in the water.

And so that was what he did. He sat down as far away from any people as he could, throwing his bag down on the chair next to him, and he pulled up his feet to rest them on another. Peace and quiet. The distant sound of people talking, the feeling of being alone. Even welcomed it all, felt himself heave a sigh as he closed his eyes to take it all in.

His heartbeat was slowing down already, realising that there was no immediate threat anywhere nearby now. There was no one who would mention his blood-shot eyes, no one to ask what was wrong. Jannick was still at home, he hadn’t followed Even to rub it in more than he already had. Even had heard him out like he had planned to, and now it was time to let him go.

Without much thought Even opened his bag and got out the notebook and his pen. He flipped the paged until he found his list of actions, and he scratched through Jannick’s name almost angrily. Done. Over with. The end.

Had he achieved what he had hoped to achieve by coming here? Had he found a way to let Jannick go? To get it out of his system once and for all? Even felt like he had, like it had been successful enough despite the fact that it had also ruined him.

Yes, he was in pain, Jannick’s words had cut right through him, but he felt like whatever hope there had been for this to have a better outcome than what had really happened was now taken away. Part of him had hoped that he’d come here to find out Jannick still had feelings for him, that he’d tell Even how much he had missed him. Another part of him had hoped that Jannick would apologise for everything he had done, giving a clear reason for why he had done it, and things would make sense.

He had expected to feel bad for Jannick, to be able to forgive him. Not this. This hatred, this pain. This poisonous mix of feelings that made his thoughts and feelings unpredictable. People could do weird and awful things when driven by hatred and pain.

Even still had a sour taste in his mouth from the bile he had vomited, but he didn’t want to wash it away. It served as a reminder, a reminder that Jannick was a monster that would hurt him time and time again. The asshole had clearly moved on. He had forgotten all about Even, the surprise in Jannick’s voice had told him so, and he had built up this life with the girl he loved. She had given him a child, something Even would have never been able to do anyway, and it was as if that had helped Jannick forget all about Oslo.

He was a monster, single-handedly having ruined Even’s life, and he had enjoyed it too. That was what was most sickening about this all. Jannick hadn’t had a reason, he had loved doing to Even what he had done. He had loved to hit him, to squeeze to the point where his skin would turn red and then blue, purple. He had loved cheating on him, fucking a girl while on their trip here.

And just like that another piece of the puzzle fell in its place. Because up until now Even hadn’t really thought about how that was pretty much impossible. Jannick had been with him that entire trip, had never left his side during the day, and at night they were too busy themselves for Jannick to leave the house. Which meant that he hadn’t.

The girl, she had been his downstairs neighbour, hadn’t she? It was the only possibility. Jannick could have sneaked downstairs to have sex with her while Even was asleep in the bed upstairs. It had to be. No wonder that the doorbell for 38B had no longer been working. Once they found each other they could just convert their two rooms into a normal house. A living room and a bedroom. God, sick bastard. Fucking, fuck-

Even’s hand slipped on the paper, and when he looked, really looked, he saw he had been doodling Jannick’s face. It had happened without Even realising it, Jannick’s face sneakily finding its way into his mind as it had done so often. Yet Even hadn’t drawn Jannick as often as he drew Isak. there was an easiness to Isak’s smile, to the emotions in his eyes, that he hadn’t been able to portray for Jannick. He knew now why, because Jannick had been hiding his real self away, and Even hadn’t been able to capture it.

When he became aware of what he had done he found that rage again, the pen scratching thick angry lines through Jannick’s face, as if Even was cutting through him just as badly as Jannick had cut through him. God, the guy didn’t really care, did he? He had never cared. Never. Even had been too stupid holding on to the idea that he had been.

How realistic would it have been to see Jannick fall to his knees in front of him, begging for mercy and a second shot with him? It hadn’t been realistic, at all. Even should have known it, but a piece of his heart would forever link his self-worth to what Jannick thought of him. Or maybe that part had died this morning, maybe that part had finally seen Jannick’s true face, and that was why he was hurting all over again.

Because Even didn’t need that asshole. He had Isak. Or, at least he used to have Isak. At the least he had the experience of being in a healthy relationship with someone, a healthier one than his relationship with Jannick. There had still been secrets, but there hadn’t been any abuse, no hatred, no rape either.

So, knowing he had that, then why had he longed for that life with Jannick? Why had he hoped for the guy to want him back when he knew just how toxic they had been? It had ruined Even’s life in multiple ways. It had made him hate sex, had gotten him addicted, and yet… yet the thrill of it all was something Even almost missed. God, he was sick. His thoughts were sick thoughts, but he couldn’t stop them. Was that why he had deserved to go through all of this? Because his mind was so fucked up?

Even’s feet fell to the ground as the chair that they had rested on was being pulled back. Even stopped drawing – more like scratching- and looked up, ready to lash out at whoever had managed to rudely awaken him from his thoughts, but when he looked up he lost the will to do so.

A young woman, probably around his age, sat down in the chair. She put down a large steaming mug in front of him along with her own, and she was smiling. Even blinked at her, stared at the cup to see it held coffee, and he was trying to understand why she was here. He had wanted to be invisible, why had she ruined that?

What in her right mind had made her avoid all the signs he was clearly giving to state he wanted to be left alone? Was she blind to the way he was hunched over, hood covering his head and his back turned to any life around him? It should have been clear enough, yet she had ignored it.

“You’ve been out here for over an hour. I thought if you weren’t going to come to the coffee, the coffee better come to you,” The girl spoke, explaining the cups in front of him, but Even didn’t instantly answer, which made her frown. “I just- saw you from the shop,” she explained, “thought maybe you’d want some, so when my break started I decided to bring you some, see what’s up.”

Even put his notebook down on the table and reached for his bag, mumbling as he rummaged through it, “I only have credit card. I’m sorry, I didn’t think I’d have to order to-“ but she stopped him in the middle of his apology. “Oh! No! This one is on the house,” the girl was shaking her head, quick to stop him in his tracks, and Even slowly let go of his bag again, his eyes narrowed at her.

He should be suspicious about this, right? Who knew, maybe this girl would poison him. But then again, what did he care? Wouldn’t he welcome death at this point? He would. So he picked up the mug and shot her a fleeting smile, “thank you, that’s very kind.”

She let him drink, waited for another moment as her eyes scanned him, and Even knew she wouldn’t stay silent. Why would she come here to be quiet when she had obviously come because she was curious about why he had apparently been sitting there for over an hour. Of course she wouldn’t stay silent, but her first question surprised Even.

She asked, “my name’s Sille. You’re Norwegian, aren’t you?” Which kind of made Even chuckle, because he had expected a straight-forward ‘what the fuck is up with you?’ instead. This was such a simple question, whether he was Norwegian, and it kind of felt wrong to his own ears considering all the shit he had been thinking about. This question wasn’t complicated at all, which also made it easy to answer.

“Yes, I am Norwegian, great guess. Also, I’m Even,” He nodded as he licked his lips, feeling much better after a sip of the coffee. It was good coffee, and although he had thought he hadn’t been in the mood for it, Even found had been thirsty. Much more so than he had expected to be.

He kept his lips to the cup, drinking being a priority now, and Sille watched him almost with amusement in her grin. She found it funny, and Even would gladly entertain. It was seemingly the one thing he was good at.

“So why are you here, in Copenhagen, rather than in Norway? Study? Holiday? You look like you haven’t slept in days and the world has been tough on you,” Sille was joking, she wasn’t actually serious, but well, she had hit the nail on the head, hadn’t she? Was he that easy to read? Probably.

“Visited an ex,” Even admitted honestly. He didn’t know why he did it, what about the situation made him open up, but maybe he just needed someone to talk to. Maybe he just had to get it all out, right in front of this stranger. “Found out he has a kid. Got a girl pregnant while we were still dating,” he shrugged, “so I guess the world has been tough on me.”

Sille hissed in air through between her teeth, picked up her own cup and took a sip too. She was still talking around the liquid when she brought out a loud, “well, shit.” And that made Even laugh. He snorted, coffee coming up his nose, and it made Sille laugh too. They both laughed, thanks to the other, and somehow she didn’t really feel like a stranger to Even. “You could say that,” he chuckled, wiping his face as he looked at Sille.

She was a beautiful girl, with dark blond hair that rested on her shoulders, eyes green like Isak’s, but darker, and her nose and cheeks were covered in freckles. She looked very open, with curiosity in her eyes and a smile always tugging at her mouth. It fit her, considering the fact that she had just come up to him without knowing him at all. Kindness and an interest in others were probably what moved her.

But she was sneaky too. Even could already tell she wasn’t afraid of much, that she was cunning and smart, for she had managed to take a hold of Even’s notebook without him noticing it. She took it in her hands and let her eyes trail over the page, and only then did Even really wake up.

“Hey! That’s mine!” He argued, trying to get it from her grip when he noticed, but she moved away from his reach and quickly looked at the page. And well, there wasn’t much that Even could do now. She was about to read about his darkest secrets, those would surely made her leave him be, and sure enough her playful smile faded away some.

The fact that she was startled by what she had read helped Even get close enough to snatch the notebook from her grip, and Sille looked at him apologetically, like she was truly sorry. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think there would be-“ she started, her voice trailing off, and then she started a new sentence, “I had a friend once, who was bipolar too.”

Oh.

Her voice didn’t tell Even anything about the way she felt about that, and he asked, “had?” Had she judged that friend and gotten out as soon as she had found out? Or maybe that friend had pushed her away the same way Even had a habit of pushing people away. But Sille raised her cup to her lips and kept her eyes on the black liquid inside, which wasn’t much of an answer. However, the longer the silence dragged, the clearer it became to him what she meant, what she couldn’t say. No.

“No,” Even said, shook his head as if that would make it less real, and Sille sighed before she ended whichever hopeful thought Even still had, “yes.” Even stared at his paper, felt it land on him heavily, and he was holding on to whatever strings there were left, “just- like in a car accident or whatever?” He knew it was stupid, he hadn’t even known the person, but somehow he needed to hear it wasn’t as bad as Sille made it seem to be. Just for his own sake.

But god showed no mercy on him that day. “No,” she spoke quietly, “suicide.” It was truly that bad, Even had really been in luck to hear this story right after his meeting with Jannick. It was confronting to hear, almost a bit provoking, helping those thoughts and memories to come to the front. His own suicide attempt, his own thoughts not to long ago when that car had stopped for him. No.

Fuck. Fuck that. Even wouldn’t end up like that. He wouldn’t. Fuck the statistics, fuck any suicidal thoughts. He wouldn’t. “I’m sorry,” he told Sille, his fingers curled around the warm cup of coffee, and Sille looked out over the water, shrugged as if it didn’t matter when clearly it did. Her voice was less bright than it had been before, her words sounding like it was just an argument she used to try and make it easier to understand, “it’s okay. Some people just aren’t made for this world, they can’t find their place in it. She was one of those.”

Even decided not to ask, not to talk about it anymore, and he looked back at the paper she had just seen. If only she hadn’t, Even wouldn’t be left thinking about death once more. Death was everywhere though. There was no escaping it, because it lurked around every corner. Even’s parents were on that page too, and they were dead, and his heart hurt and his eyes burned. Death was everywhere. Grief too. Too much pain, there was just too much pain.

“Are you like that too?” Sille asked quietly, noticing the way he had gone quiet, and Even thought of her question. Was he like that friend? Did he feel like he wasn’t made for this world, that he couldn’t find his place here? Did he feel like he was better off dead?

“No, not like that,” Even replied as he tapped out a rhythm on the cup in his hands, "I used to be, but not anymore. Or so I hope.” That sparked Sille’s interest, and Even assumed that had to do with the fact that for him it had changed. Her friend hadn’t been able to change, she had never let go of those ideas, and it had killed her. So it was a fair question to ask, “what changed?”

The fact that he was willing to answer that question made Even pause for a moment. Because why was he sharing all of this with her? Why had it been difficult to open up to Isak, but this girl sat herself down and started asking questions and he would answer them without thinking? She had to be magic. That, or Even was just that emotionally unstable that pulling up his guards wasn’t working anymore.

Her question was a fair question. One that made Even think of all the reasons why he no longer felt like that, and all of it came back to Isak. Sure, Even felt like his job as a leader of O.V.A meant that he was giving back to society, which was a very rewarding cause, but that wasn’t it. And of course, he had come to the conclusion that he wanted to live the life his parents no longer had, wanted to live it to the fullest just for them, but that hadn’t always been the case. But Isak…

Isak had made him want to live, had made him want to love, and it was the reason he was still here. It had been that love that had made him get on a plane, had been the fuel he had needed to ring the bell to Jannick’s apartment. All of it, it all came back to Isak. Because Isak was his sun, keeping the light in his darkness, and Even told Sille, “I fell in love.”

The girl sat up, resting her elbows on the table and her chin on her hands, and her eyes flitted back between Even’s face and his notebook. She let this settle, a happier smile now making her eyes sparkle, and eventually she asked, “what is he like?” Sille watched him, a knowing smile hidden half behind her hands, and Even blinked. His eyebrows came together in a frown as he tipped his head slightly to the side, “wait, how did you know it was a he?” and Sille shrugged, like it was no big deal, “just had a feeling.”

Even was left speechless, and he truly needed a moment to compose himself before he could answer her question. His eyes found the water, got lost in the waves, and they pulled him under only to make him surface back in time on the night of Isak’s birthday. He could almost see them there together, the sun such a beautiful colour on Isak’s face. He could almost feel Isak’s body around his in the cold water, their skin warm pressed together. It was such a beautiful memory.

“He’s everything,” Even exclaimed, knowing it wasn’t nearly enough to explain how he felt about Isak. “He’s stunning, truly breath-taking, but that’s not what made me fall in love. He is the definition of compassion, of kind-heartedness. He is someone who has things to work through, including our relationship, but the way he does it… The way he stands up for himself, the way his mind works, it’s mesmerizing.”

Sille listened to Even talk, let him stay on that path down memory lane for a while, until she was sure he wasn’t going to say anything else. Then she rudely woke him back up, and it should have made him angry, but it didn’t. “Yet you’re here visiting an ex,” Sille reminded him, and, yeah, he could see why she’d mention that. If he was so in love, then why was he here? Why would he go and see his ex when he had someone amazing back in Norway? It was a bit silly indeed, because he was here exactly because of that amazing person he had back in Norway.

“It’s rather complicated,” Even revealed, “I’m actually here because of him. The ex, well, he was an asshole. Abusive too. I’m here because he is on my list,” he pointed at his notebook, “my list of things I need to fix before I can go home and fix my relationship with the one I love. If I fix myself, I can fix us.”

Sille seemed to be taking this in, her lips pursed and forehead wrinkled as she listened to him explain himself. Was she going to judge him too, like Isak had? She didn’t know him, but at least she was aware of his bipolar disorder and now the fact that he had been in an abusive relationship. That should count for some points on his side, right?

As she let out a long breath Sille dropped back in her chair, sinking into it, “damn, Even. This sounds like you’ve got a lot of stuff on your plate.” Her words made Even laugh again, soft but there, rumbling in his chest, and he shook his head at her, “yeah, you could say that, huh? Here I am, in Copenhagen, with nothing but a notebook full of ideas, a spare shirt, a single granola bar and a cup of coffee from a stranger.”

“Hey! I’m not a stranger,” Sille moved over to hit his knee, invading his personal space for the first time, but Even didn’t shy away from the contact, “would a stranger invite you into her father’s café to make you some lunch?” she asked, and Even smiled, felt a little more like himself. Sille was a bit like Vilde when it came to her personality, and it was nice to have someone like that around him right now.

“I guess not?” Even mused as he watched Sille push herself up. She fixed her dress and then her apron, and she picked up their two cups again too, “come on, get your stuff and come inside. My break ended like five minutes ago,” she told Even before she quickly walked off, knowing he would follow.

Even watched her go, noticed which way she was going, and then he turned back to the table to get his stuff. He pushed his notebook inside his bag without really caring it could crumple, and he got up to stretch first. Then he set the chairs back in place, not wanting to be rude, before he swung his bag over his shoulder and started walking back.

He climbed his way up the steps that led back to the street, and once he got inside the café he saw Sille already there behind the bar. She was talking to someone, redoing the tie of her apron, and Even waited for her to spot him before he sat down at a table near the window.

She came up to him instantly, gushing as she carried a glass of water to him, “I’m not going to let you pick, I’ll surprise you, but before that I need to know if you are allergic to anything?” she asked, leaning on the chair across from Even now, and Even shook his head, assured her that, “no, not that I know of.”

She clapped her hands, obviously feeling confident in her own space, and she smiled a little wider, “great, one brunch order coming right up.” She twirled around and Even watched her go to where he assumed the kitchen was. It wasn’t until she was out of sight that he let his eyes roam her father’s place.

It was a cosy shop, with part looking like a restaurant, part looking like it served the daytime tourists. The view from the window showed him the same bridge he had been able to see from the water, but Even didn’t like looking at it, and so he didn’t.

As he looked away from it, he noticed a plug in the wall behind him and it got him thinking about his phone, the fact that his battery was almost dead, and so as he decided that he could charge his phone while he waited. He got out the phone and his charger, plugged it in, and then he paused. He held the device in his hand, feeling the weight of it in his palm as he considered it: to turn on his phone or not?

He was a hundred percent sure that by now his disappearance would have been figured out, people would have tried to reach him, but the question was how many and how often. It made Even wonder how far the news had travelled already. And what had Isak’s response been? Could he be worried about where Even was, or had he just shrugged his shoulders and given up? Even couldn’t believe the latter to be true, but just to calm down his thoughts, he decided to turn on his phone. Just for a little bit.

It came to life, showing him the apple icon, and Even waited for it to load before he filled in his codes with his heart beating in his throat. How many people cared? How often had he been called, been texted, been tagged online? Did anyone still care, or did they all hate him for what he had done? God, did Even really want to know?

And all of sudden everything came pouring in. Mentions of missed phone calls, notifications on Facebook, a never-ending stream of texts. Even had a grand total of 67 missed phone calls. Most were from Isak, an astonishing 43 missed calls were from him, followed by 18 from Ellen, 4 from Vilde and 2 from Eva. So Ellen either knew, or she had tried calling him and gotten worried when he hadn’t answered her.

Either way, he had been called a lot, and there were a bunch of text messages as well, the most recent of which being from Isak. Even didn’t read it yet, though. He didn’t, because he felt like he couldn’t. What could it say? Would Isak finally break up with him? If that was it then Even would never be ready to read it.

He put his phone aside, the screen down so he wouldn’t be tempted to look in case he saw something pop up again. No, instead of busying himself with his phone he sat back, his hands folded on top of the table, and wished he hadn’t seen it. At least he knew now that his departure hadn’t gone unnoticed, that there were people that wanted to talk to him despite everything. That should be enough, right? He couldn’t let this divert him from his goals.

But it wasn’t enough. Even was desperate to know what Isak’s text said, if he should just give up on every plan he had and go home to lick his wounds, and so he snatched his phone in his hand again and found the text. It was from Friday afternoon, a day before, and it was only a single sentence.

‘I’m sorry for your loss’.

Even’s fingers stopped working, the shock taking over, and he dropped his phone on the table, but the text still screamed at him. I’m sorry for your loss. His loss, his mom. Isak knew? How could Isak know? Had Vilde told him? Fuck, no, this wasn’t what he had wanted to read at all. Who had told Isak about his mother? What else would they have told Isak? How much did Isak know about Even right now? Fuck, fuck no.

“Fuck,” He cursed, bringing up his hands to weave them through his hair, tugging on the strands hard enough to feel it. No, this wasn’t meant to happen. Even was supposed to do this all by himself and then go home to tell Isak everything, to explain everything by himself. Isak wasn’t supposed to find out through Vilde or anyone else, but it was too late now. Even wasn’t there, he couldn’t stop it from happening.

“Woah, calm down there, I know it looks good, but no need to curse,” Sille put down two plates in front of him, obviously making a joke, but he couldn’t smile this time. He just couldn’t. Why could nothing ever go according to plan? Why was it that whenever Even felt like he had a bit of a grip on his life again, it would be taken away so easily. Fuck.

Sille flopped down across from him, noticing his change in mood, and she wasn’t going to let it slip either. “What’s wrong?” she asked, and Even wanted to get up and leave, just fucking leave again, because he was tired of questions, but he dropped his head in his arms instead. She’d just have to figure it out sooner or later that this time he wasn’t going to answer.

And she did. Sille didn’t ask again, she just sat there, watching him maybe, and when Even finally raised his head again he saw she was actually stealing food of the plates that had been meant for him. He raised his eyebrows at her, but she still didn’t say anything or let her face show anything for that matter, and Even slowly pulled the plate back to his side.

He got to the Belgian waffle first, tearing off a bit and stuffing it in his mouth, and Sille still didn’t do anything but watch him. It got kind of uncomfortable, up to the point where Even felt like he had to break the silence himself, and he sighed, “just- he’s digging into my past. Isak.” He had explained himself anyway, and he hated it.

“Isak is the love of your life?” Sille asked, to clarify, and Even nodded once as he stuffed another piece of waffle in his mouth. It was good that he was eating, he was damn hungry, and he knew the waffle would be gone within the next minute, but at the same time he felt sick to his stomach. Sille let him eat in silence, leaned her cheek on one hand as she stole an occasional grape from Even’s plate.

It wasn’t until Even had finished eating that she spoke up again, and she did so as she tugged on the ribbon around her waist, the one that held the apron in its place, “let’s go for a walk,” she suggested. She just removed it and took the few steps to the bar to drop it there, and Even felt a little caught off guard. Go for a walk? With this girl he didn’t know existed like two hours ago? Maybe she was a serial killer or something, maybe she lured in guys like him every day of her life.

For some reason that didn’t seem to be the case though, or so Even felt. It felt more like their souls were just a good fit, that she was the type of friend Even would love to have back at home, and maybe that’s why they had met. Maybe that’s why she had come up to him. Even did need a walk, a way to clear his head, and Sille had proved that she could avoid asking questions too.

“Okay,” He said eventually, the word not much of anything, and Sille stood there with her hands on her hips, but her face lit up as Even agreed with her, “great! I’ll go get my bag. I’ll be right there, just leave the plates be, someone will get them soon.” She pointed at the food while she walked backwards, and Even nodded, still baffled by how easy it was for him to interact with her, and also, how easily she changed her mood according to how Even was feeling.

Even put his phone in his pocket and the charger back in his bag, and when he zipped it up again Sille returned to his table. She was now sporting an insanely large pair of sunglasses and had a small bag strapped over her shoulder, and Even copied her by getting his arms through the straps of his bag.

“So, where are we going then?” He asked when Sille led him outside and went left, back toward  Dronning Louises bridge. She was walking as if she had a purpose, knew a destination, but she shrugged and sounded genuine when she said, “no clue. Let’s just see where Copenhagen will take us, shall we?”

Even liked that idea. He paused for a moment, watched Sille walk ahead with a slight skip in her step, and he chuckled before he followed her. He followed her wherever Copenhagen would take them.

 

 

\---

_21| Realisation_

 

_Fairy tales were often fictional stories, but their morals were what made them important. And this, this was exactly like Even’s situation, but instead of dying, Even was still alive. Even got the chance to change the ending of his story, and it made him realise that he wanted to go back to Isak. He had to fix it if he still could._

_If he could right now, he would wrap his arms around Isak and thank him for everything, for every little thing, he had done for Even so far and he’d beg him to stay. He had to change the ending, their love didn’t have to be a tragedy, because he could turn that around._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made a bet with my lovely reader Danishgirl, and although I won it I still wanted to put her in my story (which I would have had to do if I had lost). The original plan was for it to be a minor role, but she turned into quite the character! I think you'll like her ;--)


	22. 21| Realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a startle Even realised that so far, the little mermaid sounded quite a lot like him. To be precise, it sounded like him and Jannick. Even had given up so much for Jannick, had fallen for him straight away, and it had been a huge mistake to give his all to someone who hadn’t felt the same. Even had lost some friends, had lost his dignity, and much, much more. He had been just as stupid as the little mermaid.

**21| Realisation**

 

 

**Saturday 13:58**

They walked for almost an hour, pausing from time to time, and although Even had seen the city with Jannick only over a year ago it felt like he was discovering it for the first time ever. Maybe that was due to the fact that when he had been there with Jannick he had been too busy looking at his then-boyfriend’s face, had been too busy kissing him and making sure they were okay to really appreciate the beauty of the town, but now he got to.

There was something to it, the bursting life now that summer was here. There were a lot of tourists admiring the buildings and walking around with typical Danish food, filling the streets. It was exactly the view that Even admired. The combination of sunshine, happy people, and great company gave him a completely different experience than he had had with Jannick.

Sille hadn’t asked him any questions when he had told her he didn’t want to cross Dronning Louises Bridge, and he was really grateful she hadn’t. Instead she had crossed the street and walked on like he hadn’t even said anything in the first place, as if that had been her idea all along, and after that, rather than asking more questions about Even’s life and everything she knew so far, she started talking about herself.

She told him about how her father owned the café and she helped most of her days while following courses at the University of Copenhagen during the night. She talked bout how her father was Danish but her mother was English and how she had been born in England. Her father and her had moved to Denmark when she was three years old, while her mother had stayed behind. A divorce, unfortunately, but Sille had visited her mother a few times by now and there was no bad blood between them. She told him she hoped to study in London one day, but for now her father needed her.

She was sharing as much as Even had shared with her, and it made it easier to walk. It was nice to hear her talk about herself, that she was sharing her story too, because it made Even feel like less of a creep for dumping so much on her. Besides, it made Even able to stop thinking about his grand plan for a while. He just got to listen and see all the beautiful tall buildings.

Sille knew exactly where she was going, despite the fact that she had told him they’d go wherever Copenhagen would take them, because she steered him time and time again. They walked through a park that didn’t really look like a park for the first few minutes they walked through it. They crossed big modern buildings and a game court, but it was nice to be so close to nature right in the middle of the city.

The path turned greener and greener the further they walked, though, and then, just as abruptly, they were out in the busy streets again. They came past a station then as they crossed the bridge that went over it. Even could hear the trains, could see people rushing to make sure they’d make it in time, but they walked on, straight down to another sort of park.

Even hadn’t known there were that many parks in Copenhagen. He hadn’t been to any of these when he had been there with Jannick, and it made him chuckle and voice that thought aloud, “I wasn’t aware there was so much green in the city.”

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because Sille turned her head, and when she saw he was being sincere she stopped walking, “wait. You’ve never been here?” Watching her surprised face, her wide eyes and lips parted, Even chuckled, “I’ve been to Copenhagen once before, that ex took me here, but we didn’t stop at any parks,” he explained, “it’s nice, though.”

But Sille was shaking her head, “no I mean, have you never been _here_? As in, where we are right now? This is the citadel, Kastellet, and behind it lies our biggest tourist attraction,” she explained, pointing at the hills on the other side of the water, and Even blinked at her, unsure what she was talking about. “Uh, no?”

“Holy shit, he must have really been an asshole if he didn’t take you there,” Sille took Even’s hand and started dragging him along, picking up their pace now. They seemed to be walking in circles, with a lot of corners that got them to walk back almost in the direction they had just come from, but Even figured that if this was a fort then maybe it was just shaped like that.

When they came to the entrance of the place, Even could see many tourists there, taking pictures and walking up to the doors to get inside. Saturday wasn’t really the best day to come here when you wanted some peace and quiet, but Sille didn’t stop them there, because Kastellet clearly wasn’t their destination. Instead of stopping there, she pulled him up the stairs, and only when they arrived at the top she let go of his hand, and Even got to see what lay behind it.

Most that he saw was more water, water everywhere, hidden behind another part of land where buses full of people stopped to let the tourists take a look too. In the back, behind the water, Even could see an island with factories, industrial stuff, and it was a stark contrast to the beauty he had just experienced. But this wasn’t what Sille wanted him to see either.

The swarm of tourists all went the same direction, and Sille led him that way too, joining the foreigners on their walk along the water, and Even had a feeling he knew what they were going to see. He should have remembered it sooner, but he had been thinking about other stuff. The little Mermaid. Of course. Copenhagen’s biggest tourist attraction was the little mermaid.

“I thought we were supposed to go wherever Copenhagen would take us, not where the tourists would take us,” Even raised an eyebrow as he looked around, letting the stream of people decide their pace, and Sille kept her eyes on the water when she hummed, “oh we did. Copenhagen took us where we had to go.” Even failed to see what she meant with that.

“It will be a while before it is our turn. Depends on how quickly the line moves, but I see a lot of Asian tourists and they usually take forever to get their selfies,” Sille explained as they stopped walking, ending at the back of the line. Even had never thought of it that way. “How do you know that?” he asked her, surprised she had this knowledge.

Sille kicked her feet, hitting a tiny rock, and she hummed, “I come here quite often,” she admitted, “whenever I want to clear my head. Maybe that’s why we ended up here. I feel like you should clear yours.” She was right about that, Even could understand then why she had taken him here, but it made him wonder what she needed to clear her head from. It wasn’t something he could ask about, though, he could tell how she didn’t want to talk about it right now, and he respected that.

Slowly, the line got smaller and they got closer to the spot where everyone stopped, cameras flashed, and people stared out at the statue in the water. Even tried to think of what to expect, of how it had really been stupid that Jannick hadn’t taken him here, and what he would do once he’d actually get to the end of the line. What was he supposed to do? Take a picture? It hadn’t been his intention to go there.

“Even,” Sille touched his arm, getting his attention back, and he realised they could scoot over after a large group had finished in front of them. They were now close enough to really see the statue and Even leaned over the barrier to be able to see better.

The little mermaid was, well, little. Even wasn’t sure what he had expected to find there, but for everyone to come see this statue that was so tiny and so far away from the shore, it didn’t really make a lot of sense. Yet he stood there when it was finally their turn, hands on the fence with Sille next to him, and stared at the little mermaid while the statue looked at the sea over her shoulder. Her legs were half legs, half fins, and Even could feel the longing she faced. Longing for the sea or her prince, Even wasn’t sure. Maybe both.

“Did you know that the real little mermaid story is much more disturbing than the Disney version? It’s not actually a happy story, at all,” Sille asked Even while she stared across the water, and Even licked his lips before admitting, “I’ve never read it.” Of course, all that did was ensure that Sille was going to make him hear it now, and he found he was actually curious to find out.

“The beginning is pretty similar, but the little mermaid is a bit younger,” Sille started her story, “she is fifteen when she is allowed to rise to the surface to see the world beyond the water, and she sees this beautiful prince celebrating his birthday on one of the ships. It is love at first sight, of course,” there was a chuckle there, as if Sille didn’t believe in that, “and that night, when the boat becomes a victim of a heavy storm, she saves his life and waits until a girl finds him before returning to the sea. She had to make certain that he’d live, that someone would take care of him because she couldn’t.”

Even remembered watching the Disney movie when he was little, the one with Ariel and that prince, but he didn’t recall much of the plotline because he had been too young to remember. All he knew was that in the end everyone lived happily ever after. It was a fairy tale after all, but Sille had said the true version was more sinister.

“The prince never sees her, so he doesn’t fall in love with her in return, but that doesn’t change how the little mermaid feels about him. She is captivated by him and because she is so in love, she travels to the sea witch to ask her for a pair of legs,” Sille again sounded like she couldn’t believe how stupid this little mermaid could have been to do such a thing, and Even kind of saw why. Why would you go that far for love when you weren’t sure the other felt the same?

“She got offered a potion that would give her legs but would take her voice in return,” It was a ridiculous offer, but Even knew she’d accept it anyways. Love was a scary thing, it could make you lose sight of what was good and bad. “Furthermore, walking would hurt for the rest of her life. And if that wasn’t all, well,” Sille paused for a moment, then murmured under her breath, “this bitch was really dumb.”

Even laughed but realised she wasn’t done yet, and so he tried to keep quiet, turned his body so he could watch Sille as she told him the story, “she would only get a soul if she married the prince, for then a part of his soul would become hers. If she herself, or her prince for that matter, were to marry anyone else, she would die as a consequence of her broken heart.”

Sille shook her head as she watched the little mermaid, “so she gives up everything for him. Her family, a chance to live hundreds of years, her voice, everything… for a prince who doesn’t even know she exists.” It did sound like an awful plan. Who would give up everything for love at first sight? Who would toss everything aside to be with the person they admired from afar? Could anyone be that stupid, or was this just a story to entertain people?

With a startle Even realised that so far, the little mermaid sounded quite a lot like him. To be precise, it sounded like him and Jannick. Even had given up so much for Jannick, had fallen for him straight away, and it had been a huge mistake to give his all to someone who hadn’t felt the same. Even had lost some friends, had lost his dignity, and much, much more. He had been just as stupid as the little mermaid.

“She drinks the potion, alright, and the prince finds her. Sure, he thinks she’s absolutely gorgeous, and of course she is, because she used to be a mermaid. She is the definition of beauty, but she doesn’t have a voice to speak. There is no way for her to tell him she saved him,” Sille went on, and to be honest, that sounded pretty much like them too. Jannick had loved him for his looks, his body, but had never cared about whatever had come out of his mouth.

“As time passes, the prince’s parents tell him he has to marry a princess, but he tells the little mermaid he doesn’t love that princess. He says he is in love with the one who saved him,” Sille rolled her eyes, “of course that gives her hope, but it turns out life is cruel to her. She loves with all her heart, but it isn’t meant to be. It appears that the princess that her prince has to marry is the one who found the prince the night of the storm, and because the prince thinks she is the one that saved him, they marry.”

The child and the woman… Jannick had left him for someone else. He had left Even with a broken heart, the same way the prince had left the little mermaid with a broken heart. And he knew the rest of the story now. He knew why Sille had said that this version was more disturbing, because this one didn’t have a happy ending. Just like Even’s story hadn’t had a happy ending.

“The little mermaid died, didn’t she?” Even asked, and Sille hummed to confirm his thoughts, “well, people argue about the exact ending of the story, but it surely isn’t the happy ending Disney gave us.” And Even felt as if somehow Sille had known how this story was so similar to his, although he had no clue how she could have known. It felt as if there was a reason he was listening to it now, because it was almost therapeutic.

He wasn’t the only one who had made those mistakes. Fairy tales were often fictional stories, but their morals were what made them important. And this, this was exactly like Even’s situation, but instead of dying, Even was still alive. Even got the chance to change the ending of his story, and it made him realise that he wanted to go back to Isak. He had to fix it if he still could.  

If he could right now, he would wrap his arms around Isak and thank him for everything, for every little thing, he had done for Even so far and he’d beg him to stay. He had to change the ending, their love didn’t have to be a tragedy, because he could turn that around. If only Isak would let him, and his last note made him believe so.

As if on cue, his phone started ringing in his pocket, and Even’s heart skipped a beat when he fished it out. Who would it be? All the previous missed calls and notifications would suggest it was most likely Isak, and fuck. Was this the universe’s way of telling him to act on his thoughts?

“Who is it?” Sille asked, sounding very curious too, and Even just stared at the phone as it kept ringing and ringing, indeed displaying Isak’s name. “It’s him. It’s Isak,” he stuttered, caught off guard by the coincidence of it all. Isak was calling him just as Even was thinking about returning to him.

It rang and it rang, and Sille stared at him in confusion. “Well, aren’t you going to answer it?” she frowned, and Even swallowed hard, brought his finger to the green button so he could swipe it right, but he couldn’t do it. It rang again, but Even couldn’t answer it.

“I can’t,” he sighed, his thumb moving away as his shoulders slumped too, “I wouldn’t know what to say to him. I need more time.” Even wanted nothing more than to see Isak, but talking to him on the phone was a different thing. On the phone all he could use were words, and he didn’t know which to use in order to explain everything. The phone stopped ringing, showing Even he had another missed call, and his heart sunk some again.

“Why? Not everything needs so much thinking,” Sille told him, sounding a little too passionate, a little too invested, and Even took a deep breath as he swore to her, “you don’t get it. What I’ve done can’t just be fixed with a few words. I outed him to the whole world when he wasn’t ready for it. I’m not ready, I haven’t finished my plan.”

He was saying too much, would have to explain it all to her now, but Sille crossed her arms and would have none of it. “I just don’t see how no contact is going to show him how you have feelings for him. Does he know about this plan of yours? Is he aware you are here? I mean, I don’t know shit about all that’s going on in your life and that plan of yours you just mentioned, I only know that you’d be even more stupid than the little mermaid if you’d let love slip away,” Sille was fierce in her reply this time, as if she was putting Even in his place, and he blinked at her in shock.

Oh. This was personal. She wasn’t just saying that because of Even, she was saying that because she was talking from experience, and this time it was Even that was good at reading her, “what happened?” he asked, “did you? Let love slip away, I mean?”

Sille turned away from him, staring at the little mermaid with a stern expression. She wasn’t answering him, and Even opened his mouth but stopped when he saw a notification on his phone again. A voicemail message. Isak must have left one for him after his call, but Even shook himself out of it and put his phone away instead, “Sille, what happened?”

Sille’s fingers curled around the bar of the fence they stood behind, and she took a shaky breath that Even could hear, “remember that friend I told you about before? The girl who-“ she stopped, and Even filled in the words himself: the girl who committed suicide. He nodded, spoke a quiet, “yeah,” to show her he knew what she was talking about.

“I lost her,” Sille murmured, “I didn’t fight hard enough. I couldn’t help her, and I lost her,” Sille confessed, her jaw set and her skin pale, and Even’s eyes dropped down to the ground. Shit, he had been ungrateful, hadn’t he? “You can’t just disappear on someone, can’t just stop answering calls because you did something wrong. If Isak loves you like I loved her, you don’t get just how worried something like that can make someone. It didn’t have a happy ending for me, but it could have a happy ending for you.”

“I’m sorry,” Even said honestly, feeling like he was no longer in his right to claim not to be ready. He hadn’t been able to see it that way, hadn’t thought of whatever could be going through Isak’s mind now that he was gone, but if it was anything like what Sille described… Even stole Isak’s words, used them with a heavy heart, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Sille shook her head, tipped her head up to the sky, “I thought, when I saw that page in your book, I thought there must have been a reason I went up to you in the first place. I felt like maybe this time I got to make a difference. I couldn’t save her because she truly felt like she didn’t belong, even if we were happy together, but you don’t seem like that,” she explained, and Even understood why she had felt that way. He would have too if he had been her.

“Screw whatever plan you have, whatever fixing you have to do, do it with him by your side,” Sille ordered him, no room for arguments in her voice, and all Even could do was nod. He wasn’t sure how to convince himself to do that, but he would try. He would remember her words, and he’d try to go home now.

The only way he knew how to show her he was serious about it too was by getting out his phone. He opened his texts and found the conversation with Isak, it was still there at the top. ‘Sorry for your loss’. For a moment he thought about his words, about what exactly to say, and then he typed. Not everything needed so much thinking.

 _‘I’m sorry if I worried you. I had to go, I wasn’t feeling well. None of it is your fault, I promise I’ll be home soon. I love you Isak, and I’m sorry for what I did. Your Even.’_ Not giving himself time to reconsider it, he quickly pressed ‘send’, and gone it was. Floating through time and space to end up on Isak’s screen back in Oslo.

He held out the phone for Sille to see, and she turned her head to watch the screen. “I’ll try. I can’t promise, I can’t control myself sometimes, but I’ll try,” he promised her. It was the best he could do, and for some reason Sille believed him. She nodded, let her frown be replaced by a smile, and Even was happy to see it back on her face.

“Good, then there was really a point in us meeting today,” she concluded as she bumped their shoulders together, “wouldn’t want my father to get pissed I abandoned him without a good excuse.” She was trying to lift the mood again, not wanting to linger in the sadness, and Even understood her well. How often had he not done that, how often had he faked a smile and cracked a joke to change the subject. With Sille it felt more genuine though, like she really felt it too, and that was good.

It made him thankful that his trip to Copenhagen hadn’t ended after his visit to Jannick, because it was nice to have made a foreign friend. Sille felt like someone who understood him, and he felt like he understood her. He truly hoped he had made a friend for life on this trip, and standing with her there, at the statue of the little mermaid, there was nowhere else he’d rather be right now. Expect for with Isak, maybe.

 

 

\---

_22| Home_

 

_“go now. The sooner you’ll be at the airport the sooner you can fly back to Oslo.” Even felt light enough to joke and as he stepped closer to the car he said, “oh, I see. You just want me gone,” and as he pouted, leaning on the door with one foot already in the car he watched Sille laugh at him once more._

_As Even let himself slide in ever so slowly, making a dramatic exit, he heard Sille say, “fucking finally!” and before he closed his door he stuck out his hand to flip her off. The door fell shut, cutting out the sound of her laughter, and Even waved at his friend through the window as the car took off._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6 more chapters and an epilogue.... ooooohh we're getting closer!!


	23. 22| Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have one unheard message, left today at 14:23,” the monotone voice spoke, letting him hear a final beep to end its introduction, and then Isak’s voice came through the phone. “Even, I am in Denmark right now. I know you’re here, and I’m looking for you,” Isak’s first sentence rang through, and it was followed by a pause in which Even felt his breathing stock, his heart stopping for a moment as those words started to make sense in his drowsy brain.

****

**22| Home**

 

 

**Saturday 17:03**

“You have to promise me you’ll stay in touch,” Sille told Even, her arms around his neck as she pulled him close, and Even became aware of the fact that it had been his first hug in four days. His first real physical contact in four days was with someone he hadn’t even known until six hours ago. It was supposed to be strange, but it didn’t feel that way at all.

He wrapped his arms around her waist in return while she rubbed his back, “and promise me you’ll fix things with Isak. I want to hear all about you two later.” There was a tone to her voice that left Even unable to argue with her about it, because he knew it was what he wanted and should be doing. He hummed and nodded to let her know he would, but Sille didn’t let go of him yet.

They had exchanged numbers over their early dinner at the waterside of the Copenhagen street food court. Sille had bought their food once again, told him that today was on her and he could repay her once she’d come to Oslo. It had been a way to ensure Even knew that she’d come one day, and that had been the only reason he had let her pay.

Even had picked a Grilled Tomini Cheese sandwich and Sille had picked some Indian chicken dish from a few stalls down that road. It had been the perfect end to his day in Denmark; sitting in the sun with hot food and Sille making jokes next to him. He kind of wished she’d come with him, he had a feeling that would make everything a little bit easier, but of course she couldn’t. Sille would have made him pull his shit together, would have reminded him of his promises, but he’d have to do it without her now.

“I wish I could have dropped you off at the airport,” she spoke, still hugging him tightly, as if she knew Even really needed it, “but my dad must be furious, I’ve been gone so long already. Dinner reservations will show up soon and I’m the only one that could work tonight. I can’t leave him to fend by himself.”

When she finally let go of him, Even felt a lot better. He kind of felt like she had taken the time to nourish him back to a somewhat decent human being. She had fed him, had helped him cope with his feelings, and he felt a lot calmer and more composed now he was about to leave the city behind again. This morning, when his plane had landed, Even had been dehydrated and he had lived on nothing but granola bars for two days, but now he was well fed and ready for more.

“Alright, I promise to stay in touch, but you have to promise me that you will come visit the first possible moment that you can. If all goes well you’ll get to meet Isak then,” Even told Sille, feeling a grin tug at the corners of his mouth, involuntarily making them go up, and she had kind of done that too. Sille had made him realise what he had to do, that half of the things on his list he couldn’t do without Isak next to him anyway. He had to go back home.

How was Even going to make the decision about his father on his own? How was he going to be able to write a love letter to Isak when he couldn’t see Isak’s face, kiss his lips and put everything that the boy made him feel into words? Sille had been right about it all, so he would go back home and find Isak. There was only one thing he had to do once he’d get to Oslo before he would go back to Campus, but he would. He had promised Sille he would, but now, the longer Even thought about it, it seemed like the best option anyway.

It made Even excited to get in this cab and let himself be taken back to the airport, it made him excited to fly because he knew where it would take him. Back to Oslo, back to the bed he had shared with Isak, back to love. His whole body longed for it, although his heart ached a little because it meant he had to say goodbye to Sille right now.

“You have to scrap that ‘if all goes well’,” Sille ordered him, “I’ll visit and I’ll meet Isak, I’m sure of it.” She held her hands on his shoulders and smiled up at him brightly, “you’re a good person, Even. I realise maybe that’s hard for you to see now, but it’s true.” Her words sounded so sincere that Even didn’t have to heart to reason with her. He couldn’t bring out any of the arguments he wanted to use to show her she was wrong, they all got stuck in his throat as he opened his mouth, and Sille raised her eyebrows at him as if to dare him to speak.

He pressed his lips together again, making her smile victoriously, and she pushed at his shoulder, “go now. The sooner you’ll be at the airport the sooner you can fly back to Oslo.” Even felt light enough to joke and as he stepped closer to the car he said, “oh, I see. You just want me gone,” and as he pouted, leaning on the door with one foot already in the car he watched Sille laugh at him once more.

As Even let himself slide in ever so slowly, making a dramatic exit, he heard Sille say, “fucking finally!” and before he closed his door he stuck out his hand to flip her off. The door fell shut, cutting out the sound of her laughter, and Even waved at his friend through the window as the car took off. She waved back and blew him a kiss right before she disappeared from view, but Even kept his eyes out of the window for a while longer before he sat back in his chair and took a deep breath.

“Girlfriend?” The driver asked quietly from the front and it was such a hilarious question when Even thought about how hours ago he had been unaware of Sille’s existence, but he managed to hold his laughter just in time. He shook his head, told the man, “no, just a really good friend,” and he found there was no lie in it either. She was a good friend, already.

Even felt like although the ride was only about twenty-five minutes, it still appeared to take forever, because Even was growing impatient now. He felt more mentally stable than he had done in the past few days, so this was likely just him wanting to be home already, or that was what he hoped. The last thing he wanted was to be irritable again when he’d got on a plane again. On his trip to Copenhagen there had been a crying baby a few rows behind him and it had taken all of Even’s willpower to muffle his comments into his hoodie rather than throw them out as loud as possible.

No, he hoped this time would be better, because he felt better, he felt excited. It coursed through him as he walked into the hall of the airport, greeted by hundreds of people on their way to travel or to pick up their friends and family. There were so many different people there, and Even paused for a moment to let himself think about that.

Maybe that woman over there, the one curled up in a seat with her head on a pillow, maybe she suffered from depression just like him. Maybe she was going through a rough patch right now too. Would she have trusted anyone with that piece of herself?

Maybe that young girl holding a young child on her arm had lost her mother too, just like Even had. Who knew, maybe half of the people here felt the same love for someone that Even felt for Isak. They were all human, all had their issues, but they all coped with it differently. They were all just trying to get by, make the best of life, and Even had lost track of that for a while.

He walked on, following the signs he knew would lead him to the booths of all flight companies, including Norwegian Air International, where he could buy a ticket back home. Hopefully he’d get lucky again, hopefully he could just go straight to the gates and get on a plane rather than wait around for hours. He wanted to leave as soon as possible.

\---

Fate wanted him to go home too. The lady at the booth had told him, “oh, you’re lucky. Someone cancelled their flight only five minutes ago, otherwise you would have had to wait over an hour for boarding to start.” Instead of waiting, he had gotten his ticket straight away and once he had arrived at the right gate it had been time to start boarding.

He had gotten on a plane for the second time in his life, on the same day as his first time, and that was kind of strange. The flight attended had recognised him, it had been exactly the same girl as on the flight there, but she had managed to supress her curiosity and hadn’t asked him any questions. Even had fallen asleep for a while, which had meant that once he woke up again the pilot had just been announcing they were getting ready to land.

After that things had gone quite smoothly. The plane had landed safely and Even had been able to get off first because he had been seated at the aisle and he hadn’t needed to get out a bag from the upper compartments. Then he had made his way down the airport hall and outside back into a sunny Oslo.

Before Even could go home he’d have to do one final thing. Tomorrow he’d go back, it was only a matter of hours before he’d be home again, but he had to buy some stuff first. He had to find paint, new candles wouldn’t hurt either, and as he walked outside he got out his phone, knowing that to find a shop nearby he’d need the internet.

The moment he turned the device on he received a text, it made the phone vibrate in his hand, and when he looked he saw it was from Sille. He smiled as he read ‘already miss you. Let me know once you’ve landed’. She was cute, very sweet to send him that, and he quickly typed back ‘landed, safe and sound. Miss my stupid jokes, don’t you?’

She didn’t reply to him straight away and Even figured it was probably because she was back at work again, but that was okay. He had a job to do, a final task before he could go home, and for that he needed a few things from the nearest hardware store. But before Even pressed the safari logo he spotted the notification for missed calls. That was right, Even had almost forgotten that Isak had left him a voicemail message.

Even stared walking, knowing he’d have to find a bus anyway, as he deliberately dialled the number that would let him listen to it. It was scary, Even was very much aware of the fact that he was about to hear Isak’s voice again for the first time in days, but he wanted to hear what his boyfriend had to say to him. If Sille had been right then maybe he could hear how worried Isak was, he could have it be that final push he needed to return to him, because although Sille had been right about how Even needed to do this with Isak by his side, it was still a question as to whether Isak would still want to be by his side.

“You have one unheard message, left today at 14:23,” the monotone voice spoke, letting him hear a final beep to end its introduction, and then Isak’s voice came through the phone. “Even, I am in Denmark right now. I know you’re here, and I’m looking for you,” Isak’s first sentence rang through, and it was followed by a pause in which Even felt his breathing stock, his heart stopping for a moment as those words started to make sense in his drowsy brain.

Isak had followed him to Copenhagen today? He had somehow figured out that Even had gone to Denmark and he had followed him there. They had been in Copenhagen at the same time today and Even hadn’t even known. Fuck, Isak had actually been there to look for him? Isak was looking for him?

Even had a brief moment where he wanted to cry as he was realising that Isak had been searching for him, maybe since the day he had left. Of course he had, Even should have known that the moment he had seen his first text. The ‘sorry for your loss’ should have told him that Isak was out trying to find him, that or find out more about him. But Isak had just confirmed he was looking for Even and clearly he had been uncovering Even’s secrets while he had.

“I know you’re not going to answer any of my calls, but I hope you will for some reason listen to your voicemail,” Isak stated matter of factly, and once again Even felt bad for not answering any sooner, because Isak had been worried and maybe his lack of contact had suggested he no longer cared, which wasn’t the truth. “I’m sorry for all that I said on Wednesday,” Isak went on, “I really didn’t mean to hurt you, but I was scared and scared people do crazy things. I guess you’d know all about that…”

Isak laughed, it was a dry laugh, like he felt stupid, but Even shook his head. Isak wasn’t stupid, he had been completely right. Even had been wrong to out him to the world and Isak had had every right to say all of what he had said to him in the aftermath of that. Isak’s words had hurt but they had been fair and honest. Even had been fucking insane.

Did Isak think that Even left because he no longer cared? Did he think that Even gave up on them? He hoped it hadn’t gotten that far, he hoped Isak wasn’t walking around with all this guilt, because although Even had run away for Isak, he hadn’t run away _because of_ Isak. There was a huge difference between those two things.

“Look, I want you to come home. I want us to talk, because I want to hear things from you rather than others,” Isak sounded sad, desperate, and he was begging with his voice. It was followed by the truth, the summing up of things Isak had found out while Even had been off the radar. Isak knew about it all. “I know about your dad and I know about Jannick and what you are going through. I talked to Eskild, I talked to Ellen. I’m here in Denmark, for fuck’s sake, all because I want you to be safe.”

Even heard Isak’s voice break, could feel his desperation through the phone, and he let his eyes fall shut. Isak knew about everything and he had still gotten on a plane to get to Copenhagen? All to find him? He wanted Even to be safe, he had said that, but did Even coming home include coming home to Isak’s love, or was that over now? Even couldn’t tell from this message.

But Isak wasn’t done yet, “please, wherever you are, whatever you feel like, just come home,” he begged once more, making Even’s heart ache. “Go to Ellen if you don’t want to see me, I don’t care. I just want you to be okay,” and that was where the message cut off. “To replay this message…” the voicemail lady started her story, but Even hung up.

He had stopped walking, had stopped everything to listen to Isak, and the message had left him shaken up. To know Isak had followed him to another country, to hear him in such despair and sounding that hopeless while he pleaded for Even to come back, it brought back the guilt he had first felt after Sille had confronted him at the statue of the Little Mermaid. 

She had been right, absolutely right, to let Even finally think about the consequences of his disappearance. He hadn’t told anyone where he had gone off to and why, which could have led Isak, and if he really talked to Ellen then her too, to think the worst. Had they been at the place of the accident? Had Isak heard about his father or had he seen him? It didn’t matter how he had figured it out, the fact was that he had. It was all because Even had been to scared to tell him, all because he had left Isak with nothing but uncertainty.

He shouldn’t have left like that, without telling Isak that he just needed some time and would come back, but it was too late for that now. Isak was begging, and Even wanted nothing more than see him again, to start over fresh. It was exactly why he had to go through with this final thing. This last task to erase it all.

Even walked over to the bus feeling more determined than ever. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’d be reunited with Isak again. He couldn’t wait to see him, to hug him, to tell him he was sorry and explain everything once and for all. It would all be fine, Isak would listen to him and he wouldn’t judge, he was sure of that now. You wouldn’t follow someone to another country if you couldn’t care less about them.

There was a Jernia nearby, only a twenty minute bus ride away, and it was perfect because as Even checked to see when that bus would arrive it showed him it would be there in less than two minutes. Good, because he wouldn’t have too long before the store would close. From there it would be another forty minutes to get back to Oslo Central Station where he could pick up his bike again. All was going according to plan, and Even felt like karma was on his side now that he had made the promise to better himself.

As he watched the airport disappear from view, he remembered how not everything about that day had been good. It had been no more than ten hours since he had seen Jannick, since he had been face to face with his demon, and it had been as bad as he should have expected it to be. It wasn’t until Sille had forced herself into Even’s space that things had started looking brighter. But now that he thought back to the confrontation with Jannick, he only saw how good it had been to go there.

At first he had thought that Jannick had moved on, that he was so much better off now that Even was out of his life, and he had felt like he himself had been stuck in time instead. That wasn’t the truth, though. In reality it was Even who had grown while Jannick was still the asshole he had been when Even had broken up with him. He hadn’t changed one bit, still relied on the same spiteful behaviour that Even had been so used to dealing with, but Even had grown, he was a different person now.

It had been hard to hear Jannick say all those things to him because Even had been so used to caring about Jannick’s opinion that seeing him again, it had made him slip into the same mindset that he had had during their entire relationship. Sille though, Sille had helped him see how that wasn’t who he was any longer. Even kind of wished he hadn’t scratched Jannick’s name in his notebook already, because he hadn’t felt like he had been ready to really strike it through until now.

It was refreshing to have that realisation, to surprise himself with how the truth had been right under his nose but he hadn’t been able to see it for so long. He had been so hard on himself for so long, thinking Jannick had left him to be a pile of nothingness, someone not worthy of a better love. This trip had been exactly what he had needed to come to the realisation that he did deserve better, that it was Jannick who didn’t deserve shit, and most importantly the realisation that he had grown so much.

He was nothing like the Even he had been with Jannick over a year ago, because so much had happened to him to change him over time. Including the accident and, of course, Isak. How could he feel like the same person he was over a year ago? How could he put himself down so much? It had been a curse that had haunted him for a long time, but now he felt like the spell had been broken.

So, when he got to Jernia with ten minutes to spare until closing time, he filled his basket with candles, he grabbed the cheapest cans of paint he could find, three of them, and some rollers instead of brushes. To make this work with Isak he had to find a new coping mechanism. He had to learn to talk about things rather than push them far away to the back of his mind. If he’d continue doing that he would just let everything be a drip to the bucket until it would overflow, like it had done now.

The only way he could focus on finding a new coping mechanism, was by getting rid of the old. As he paid for the paint, the candles and a sleeping bag he’d need for his final night, he felt how he wasn’t just hoping things were looking up. He actually felt like things were looking up. The light at the end of the tunnel, he could see it.

 

[Please read this post about the posting schedule!](https://cleansingmysoulfic.tumblr.com/post/165299641533/posting-schedule-final-weeks)

 

\---

_23| Cleanse_

 

_He wondered if Isak was still in Copenhagen, walking through those streets while looking for him, or if he knew that by now Even had returned again. Maybe Even should have let him know that he had returned home, but it was a bit too late for that now. For all he knew Isak was back already. Maybe he had gone home and was now asleep, safe and sound in his bed on campus. Or he could be at Copenhagen airport waiting for a flight back home._

_Even tried not to think about it, because he knew one way or another they would find each other again. They would always find each other again, Even was sure of that now. They had this love that was special, as if Even knew Isak from a previous life and had only just realised that. If soulmates existed, Isak was Even’s. Without a doubt._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh I'm so bad, I'm dragging this, I know. We're like real fucking close now though. I promise. We're back on our way up the rollercoaster, the last few turns before the cart will stop...  
> I know I haven't been that active on tumblr and stuff, and I am in a serious writing crisis right now with how busy I am, but I do see all your love and I'm totally not gone!!  
> <333


	24. 23| Cleanse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But putting your problems into art did not make them go away. They became visible for others, which did make it easier to share them without doing much explaining, like he had done with Isak on their first date, but it wasn’t a solution.

****

**23| Cleanse**

 

 

 

**Sunday 00:18**

It had taken a while before Even had reached his building again. He had only arrived at Oslo central station around a quarter past ten and Even hadn’t been able to find his bike once he finally got to the bike racks. Somehow, in his rush on the way there, he had forgotten where he had put it, and that had meant he had spent over twenty minutes going through all of them until he had found the pansexual flag on the frame that belonged to his bike.

The second issue that Even had needed to deal with had been that he had been carrying two bags stuffed with paint and candles and shit, and he had had a sleeping bag tied to his backpack. It had simply been way too difficult to ride his bike with those two large bags on the steering wheel, which was why he had to stop often just to take a breath. Without any bags it would have taken him about 45 minutes to get to the building, but with… it took him two hours.

Even opened his third and final bottle of water and kept drinking until it was half empty. He needed to keep some for his final hours there, after waking up in the morning. First though, before he’d go to sleep, he’d have to get around to putting his plan into motion. The paint could dry while he would catch up on some much needed sleep, and all would fall into place when the sun would rise again.

He had made it though, it had been hours since he had landed back in Oslo again, sure, but he had made it. He was back to where this had all started, and he was getting ready to finish up and end it. Truth was that he was exhausted, he really wanted to let it be for now and go to sleep instead of painting, but he wouldn’t settle for less than perfect and he wouldn’t stop before he had achieved it.

Even knelt down on the floor and started unpacking the bags he had put down in the middle of his circle. He lit the new candles along with the old ones, making the room light enough to see everything well, and then he got out the paint and the rollers that he’d need for the job. Luckily he had been smart enough to get an extended arm along with the rollers, because Even didn’t have a ladder here to get to the top parts of the wall.

The paint was stark white when Even got the lid off, and he took a deep breath to smell its scent, have it soothe him. He loved the smell of paint, it reminded him of so many beautiful things. It was kind of like a drug to him, and it had grown to be the scent of home, of comfort. Just like drugs could be a way to cope with pain, these walls had been a coping mechanism too. It had been Even’s preferred drug, over alcohol and actual drugs, but it was just as addictive.

But putting your problems into art did not make them go away. They became visible for others, which did make it easier to share them without doing much explaining, like he had done with Isak on their first date, but it wasn’t a solution. It did help him deal with his thoughts, which was always a better option than pushing them aside was, but at the same time it meant he had given those problems a permanent place in his life. It was too much of a reminder, made it too difficult to let go because it was always present around him.

Even should have made that art on paper and he should have burnt the pages after finishing them, just to make sure nothing tangible was left of it, but instead he had these walls. Those walls meant that he could never go to this place to feel happy and calm, because no matter where he’d look he’d be reminded of his past. He was constantly reminded of all his mistakes and all the injustice he had been put through. It wasn’t getting him to move on, it was keeping him stuck in time.

There was only one way to erase these problems, to make sure they’d be gone once and for all so they’d become more bearable memories, and that was by painting them over. The white paint was a symbol of him starting out fresh, too. It would look like he had simply flipped a page in his notebook, had started on a new, crisp looking paper. From then on those walls would hold nothing but happy memories, nothing but original art that had nothing to do with pain and heartache, he promised himself that.

There were plenty of drawings he would love to forget about, especially on the wall with the crosses, that wall with Jannick’s name, but at the same time there were those green eyes that were staring at him and begging him not to get rid of them. They were Isak’s eyes, and they hadn’t really been a ‘problem’, so Even felt torn up about painting over them, but at the end of the day he knew that if he wanted to get anywhere at all he would have to paint over everything. And everything included those beautiful green eyes.

And so he got started, dipping the roller in the white paint before getting it attached to the extendable arm and lifting it as high as he could against the wall. It would take a while to get everything done, but the sooner he’d get it done, the sooner he could sleep, and ultimately that also meant the sooner he’d be home.

He wondered if Isak was still in Copenhagen, walking through those streets while looking for him, or if he knew that by now Even had returned again. Maybe Even should have let him know that he had returned home, but it was a bit too late for that now. For all he knew Isak was back already. Maybe he had gone home and was now asleep, safe and sound in his bed on campus. Or he could be at Copenhagen airport waiting for a flight back home.

Even tried not to think about it, because he knew one way or another they would find each other again. They would always find each other again, Even was sure of that now. They had this love that was special, as if Even knew Isak from a previous life and had only just realised that. If soulmates existed, Isak was Even’s. Without a doubt.

It was still difficult for Even to understand how Isak hadn’t given up on him after what he had done to hurt his boyfriend. They had only been dating for two months and Isak hadn’t needed any reason to feel sorry for Even when he first started looking for him. He knew about nothing but the Jannick thing, and that probably wouldn’t have been enough to make him stay if Isak hadn’t found out more. It would have been a thousand times more logical if Isak had said ‘well, whatever. I’m moving on’.

But he hadn’t. He had done so much for Even, all out of the kindness of his heart and the way he felt about Even, which kind of made Even blush a little. It definitely felt like some sort of declaration of his love, because his actions exposed just how much he cared. Even knew it was too much, Isak cared too much, but rather than him wanting to push Isak away because of it, now all that he felt was happiness. He wanted Isak to feel that way, because he felt that way too. He needed it to be mutual, god did he hope it was mutual.

Even painted over the darkest wall first, watched the colours disappear with every up and down of the roller, and it felt freeing to be doing this. He was clearing his mind the same way he was making the paintings stop from existing. He said goodbye to the memories, becoming lighter with every little drawing that was no longer visible.

Why hadn’t he thought of this sooner? Painting over this was bringing back out the light that he had missed.

That wasn’t just due to the paint, obviously, it was only a pretty metaphor for what the past few days had done for him, but somehow he felt stupid for not having realised this any sooner. If he had then maybe he would have been back home with Isak, or maybe he would have been able to go to Ellen at the very start of it all. He knew it was too late to think of the ‘could haves’, and he didn’t really feel guilty for having taken his time, only stupid for having been so blind to what this house had signified.

Metaphor or not, Even got a craving for more of that feeling, and he painted and painted and painted until he no longer had any bad thoughts left in his mind. He painted over Jannick’s name a handful of times extra, just to make sure they would really never be visible again. He watched it all fade away, and he painted and painted until he got to the piece he had dreaded the most.

The green eyes were staring at him, burning a hole into his heart, and Even found he had trouble getting his body to work. He had to do it, he couldn’t wipe out everything else and leave these eyes, it would feel unfinished and like there was still a void there from which the other paintings could escape if they wanted to. No, Even had to do it, but it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy at all.

He refused to think of it as erasing Isak, because he wasn’t doing that. The whole reason he had to let go of this painting but not of Isak, was because Isak had his own wall in the other room. This drawing wasn’t on that wall, and so it wasn’t important. If he had wanted to let go of Isak he should have painted over Isak’s wall as well, but he wouldn’t do that.

Isak’s wall, although it held the memory of their darker times, was their story. So unless they were over, which Even had no reason to assume, he wouldn’t have to erase anything about that. But these eyes, they weren’t about ‘them’. Even had drawn them there when he had been admiring Isak, but it had been during a time where he hadn’t felt his best.

So, even if the eyes were perfectly fine, even if they weren’t a painful memory, they still had to go. It was the best option, and when he had thought everything through one more time Even was finally able to raise his hand and put the paint brush against the green of Isak’s pupil.

Once that first dot had been made, ruining the drawing anyway, it was easier to continue. Even let his hand move up and down as more and more of the eyes vanished just like all the other walls had done. At first they were still somewhat visible through the first layer of paint, but the longer Even went on the whiter the wall got. Until the eyes were completely gone.

Even stood in a white room, completely stripped of all its colour and meaning over the course of a few hours, and felt nothing. Not in the bad sense, not in the ‘what the hell am I feeling’ kind of way that he often got when he was feeling down, but in a good way. It was as if the cell this had been, the spells on the walls keeping him locked in his own body, had been turned into something else.

It didn’t feel like his hide-away anymore, and it was the first time where Even felt like maybe once he’d leave in the morning, he’d never return again. That could be a possibility, if things with Isak went the way he hoped them to go. Because if things would go well, then Even would never need to have a hiding spot ever again. If Isak would take him in, if they’d start over new and stop keeping secrets, Isak could be his walls.

He would tell Isak his secrets, no matter how difficult they would be to say. He would let Isak’s embrace soak up the pain and warm his heart, and he would find solace in his affection. They could be each other’s rock, they had to be if this relationship was going to last, and Even wanted it to. If someone were to ask him if he’d want to be with Isak forever but he had to choose right now, he’d say he would. Even wanted to be with Isak forever.

It could be a little hypocritical to think that, because Even was pretty sure he had felt that way about Jannick at the beginning of their relationship too, but this was different in a way. With Isak, so much more had happened between them already than had been the case with Jannick. With Jannick things had been pretty normal, very tame apart from… well, you know. But Isak was a different case.

They had weathered their first storm together and it had been a damn hurricane, or well- they hadn’t weathered it just yet, but Even was positive he would be able to say that very soon. His relationship with Isak had been different from the start, because Isak was a different person than Jannick had been. He was a better person in so many ways and Even knew he would always, in every life that would be to follow, end up looking for his Isak. Because he’d be looking for someone who accepted him for all he was, for someone who showed him he cared and who wouldn’t give up at the first obstacle. Even had given Isak a hell of a first obstacle to overcome, which made it even more impressive to realise the boy he was almost at the top now.

Once Even had put away the paint and the brushes he had used, he walked into his circle again. He blew out most of the candles, because he no longer needed the light, and he noticed how much bigger the room felt now that all the walls were that much lighter too.

He got the sleeping bag, that had rolled away a little, and started the fight of getting it out of its slip-over. Even’s eyes were so droopy by now and his whole body was aching from all it had gone through that day. His muscles hurt from the cycling trips, his feet hurt from all the walking, and he was completely drained of all energy. It was almost too much to get out the sleeping bag and unfold it, but he did it because he knew how much better it would be than the blanket he had used the nights before.

The bag opened very easily and when the gap was big enough to crawl in, Even rolled himself in it. After he had finally managed to zip himself up he felt warm, a little too warm from the whole struggling bit, but once he’d lie back and fall asleep he would cool down enough to find it comfortable. It was definitely much, much better than the blanket, and he sighed contently when his head hit the pillow.

In only a matter of hours he’d return to campus, to all the people who would have undoubtedly been gossiping about his disappearance, and Isak’s at that too. He’d return to his club members, who knew enough that they wouldn’t ask countless questions, but still. People would be demanding answers, but the person who deserved them the most was the one Even was coming back for. Isak. In only a matter of hours he’d return to Isak.

If only Even had known just how much sooner that would happen, than he had thought it would…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No teaser at the end, cause Wednesday will be the teaser!! Need a bit more time to finish the following chapters so I'm adding them together and posting them on Saturday.


	25. Teaser chapter 24

**Teaser chapter 24| Love**

 

 

What would Isak say to him now they were finally together again? Would he be angry at him or would he be sad? Would he hit Even for running away or kiss him because he had found him? What could he expect from their reunion now that it was such a surprise to him? Should he apologise first, before Isak would be able to start talking? Even was so unsure of everything, and countless scenarios ran through his head within only a few seconds. But then Isak was crying.

It happened so suddenly that Even missed the first signs, missed the sight of Isak’s eyes welling up. He only noticed it when thick tears were rolling down his boyfriend’s cheeks, his eyes filled to the brim with more glistening drops of emotion. He truly looked like he had been holding his breath for so long and now that he saw Even there, he was finally letting everything out.

It was another shock to Even’s system, something he hadn’t seen coming although maybe he should have, and it broke his heart. Even hurt because Isak was crying, because he could be the reason for those tears, and mostly because he really wasn’t sure if these were tears of sadness or tears of relief. Isak hadn’t said anything, he hadn’t given Even any clues as to how he felt about his disappearance, and it was quite nerve-wrecking.

“Isak?” he asked, his voice clearly screeching because of how he hadn’t used it in a while. There were a handful of questions in the mention of his name, and Isak answered them without words. _Are you okay? Why are you crying? Do you hate me now? Did I hurt you?_  His boyfriend’s hands cupped Even’s face and Isak hadn’t stopped crying, but he didn’t have to in order to calm Even down.

Their lips met as Isak kissed him swiftly, like it was the most natural thing to do right now, and maybe it was. He started off sweet, like it was a sigh of relief to be together again, to finally kiss each other again, however, it turned harsh pretty quickly. The anger Isak felt became apparent through the fierceness of the kiss, and yeah, Even understood why. Isak had every right to be angry with him for what he had done. He had a right to be pissed at him for everything that had happened, but Even hoped for forgiveness. There had to be forgiveness, or else Isak wouldn’t be here kissing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am like 95% done with Even's pov... I need to finish one scene and edit some shit but that's it...   
> I can't believe it.. and then all there is left is Isak's final chapter for me to write. Let me know which loose ends you'd like to see tied together!!


	26. 24| Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I missed you so much.”
> 
> It wasn’t hard to admit to it, and so Even continued when Isak didn’t stop him, “I thought I had lost you and wanted to fix myself before coming back. I didn’t think of how it could scare you.” His words earned a squeezing hug from Isak, one that left him unable to breathe, but Even loved it. It was another sign of reassurance that told him how everything would be fine. They had survived the storm, and like the drawing Isak had just made, they’d be close from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised, Wednesday and Saturday in one, making a grand total of 8800 words <3  
> to some of you: got your tissues ready? Cause I like it from Even's pov more than from Isak's ;--)

**24| Love**

 

 

Even felt good. He felt like he was floating somewhere high up in the air, still half asleep, and Isak was there with his hand combing through Even’s hair. The repetitive movement of fingers brushing through the locks were what woke him up very slowly, making him aware of the warmth of his blankets all around him, and he wanted to frown when he realised Isak wasn’t pressed to his back. Where was he? Why was he so warm without Isak? Was there really a hand in his hair or was he imagining everything? And then it all came back to him.

Because he wasn’t actually snuggled up with his boyfriend and he wasn’t in their bed. Rather than living in that perfect dreamt up image, Even was hiding in his sleeping bag in his building, so why did it feel like Isak was brushing his hand through his hair? Why did it feel like he was so close to him even after Even had felt himself drift back into consciousness? It took a minute for Even’s lousy brain to pick up on reality.  

After he turned his head up, facing the ceiling, and took a deep breath, he opened his eyes, knowing it would be best to just wake up from his fantasy already and get on with it. He’d get to pack his bags and leave, go back to campus, back to Isak for real. Finally. Except he hadn’t been dreaming about the hand in his hair, and he wouldn’t have to go back to campus to see Isak, because when Even opened his eyes he realised that Isak… he was there. He was actually there.

There was shock on Isak’s face, a sea of emotions visible in his eyes as he stared down at Even with his hand having frozen in the boy’s hair, and Even was left startled. He was too startled to speak, too surprised to do anything but lie there and stare at his boyfriend. Isak had found him, somehow he had found him, and Even felt confused.

He was sure he had blindfolded Isak when he had taken him to see this place, yet Isak had found it, and Even was even more stunned than before. The reality of it, of Isak being there in the same room with him, took a minute to get through to him, but when it did, Even’s mind was throwing a ton of questions at him.

What would Isak say to him now they were finally together again? Would he be angry at him or would he be sad? Would he hit Even for running away or kiss him because he had found him? What could he expect from their reunion now that it was such a surprise to him? Should he apologise first, before Isak would be able to start talking? Even was so unsure of everything, and countless scenarios ran through his head within only a few seconds. But then Isak was crying.

It happened so suddenly that Even missed the first signs, missed the sight of Isak’s eyes welling up. He only noticed it when thick tears were rolling down his boyfriend’s cheeks, his eyes filled to the brim with more glistening drops of emotion. He truly looked like he had been holding his breath for so long and now that he saw Even there, he was finally letting everything out.

It was another shock to Even’s system, something he hadn’t seen coming although maybe he should have, and it broke his heart. Even hurt because Isak was crying, because he could be the reason for those tears, and mostly because he really wasn’t sure if these were tears of sadness or tears of relief. Isak hadn’t said anything, he hadn’t given Even any clues as to how he felt about his disappearance, and it was quite nerve-wrecking.

“Isak?” he asked, his voice clearly screeching because of how he hadn’t used it in a while. There were a handful of questions in the mention of his name, and Isak answered them without words. _Are you okay? Why are you crying? Do you hate me now? Did I hurt you?_  His boyfriend’s hands cupped Even’s face and Isak hadn’t stopped crying, but he didn’t have to in order to calm Even down.

Their lips met as Isak kissed him swiftly, like it was the most natural thing to do right now, and maybe it was. He started off sweet, like it was a sigh of relief to be together again, to finally kiss each other again, however, it turned harsh pretty quickly. The anger Isak felt became apparent through the fierceness of the kiss, and yeah, Even understood why. Isak had every right to be angry with him for what he had done. He had a right to be pissed at him for everything that had happened, but Even hoped for forgiveness. There had to be forgiveness, or else Isak wouldn’t be here kissing him.

Even put his hand on Isak’s knee and let his eyes fall shut as they stayed like that, and Even kind of lost himself in his boyfriend’s mouth. This was why he was so sure about them, because even though they had been through some stormy weather – that was a bit of an understatement - , Isak was kissing him like none of it mattered. The butterflies were still there, and Even was sure they would always be there, and Even almost pouted when Isak slowed down the kisses until they were nothing but pecks. Soft, loving pecks that hit him harder than the harsh kisses from before.

It happened so unexpectedly, the pain in his heart, that Even had to close his eyes and fight it in order to keep breathing. He felt like he was getting stabbed, it hit him that abruptly and was that painful. Seeing Isak in tears because of what had happened, it was too much for him to handle. Because Isak was crying thank to him, no matter in a good or a bad way, and now Even was crying along with him.

He had hoped to blink them away before Isak could see, but Isak pulled back from him when he sniffed a little too loudly. Even looked up into his worried eyes as they took in Even’s face, and Isak was quick to shush him, “hey, no, don’t cry.” As if he cared more about Even’s tears than his own, and it only made it worse.

Hearing Isak speak again made Even let out a desperate wail, for the sound of his voice was so sweet, and he still couldn’t believe how Isak was actually there with him. “You’re here,” he stated, voicing the thought, and rather than it provoking more tears, as it did for Even, it made Isak smile. God, his smile, Even had missed him.

His boyfriend let his thumbs brush over Even’s cheekbones while he nodded slowly, “I am. Of course I am, I’d follow you anywhere,” Isak’s voice was overflowing with love, but the words were mindboggling. How could Isak say that, after everything, after every possible thing Even had been able to hurt him with? It was beyond him, he really didn’t understand how those words could be the truth. At all.

Isak appeared to be reading his mind, because he answered the unspoken question with words Even hadn’t expected to hear from him any time soon, “I love you, you idiot.” Isak was laughing, his eyes squeezing half shut from the way the corners of his mouth pulled up, and he left Even speechless, his lips slightly parted and his heart having stopped.

Had he heard right? He couldn’t have, could he? But Isak repeated himself, as if he was reading Even’s mind once again, “I do, I fucking love you.”

Even felt lips against his again, Isak putting his words into an incredible kiss, and it should have been enough to convince him, but he couldn’t believe it. His brain didn’t allow him to accept Isak’s words to be reality, and he hated how that uncertainty seeped into his voice when he asked, “you do? All of me?”

That was important to know, if Isak loved him completely, or if he only cared for the Even he had been before this whole journey, because if that was it… well, Even just wasn’t the same anymore. But if he loved both the happy parts of him along with the darker parts, if he loved him despite his mental illness, despite all his other issues… that would be everything Even could possibly ask for.

It seemed so unlikely, but Isak gave him this look that said ‘are you kidding me?’. He knew though, he knew that Even wouldn’t be able to see it that way. Even would always worry, would always need confirmation, and so Isak gave it to him again, and again, and then again.

“Yes,” he promised Even, “all of you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I’ve been looking for you for days, Even, I’ve been driving around Oslo with Ellen and then when we found out you went to Copenhagen, I followed you there. I know about your parents, I talked to Eskild about Jannick… I know everything now and I’m still here. I still want you.”

Okay.

Even couldn’t fight that. He knew he couldn’t. Because all he had done these past days ultimately showed how Isak cared about him, at least cared enough to give this another shot, and maybe it was time Even stopped denying Isak’s feelings were meaningful and started believing his words. The fact that Even felt like he was unlovable didn’t mean he actually was. He knew he would need time to grow and feel comfortable enough to truly, one hundred percent believe it, but he had to try already.

Even pushed both arms out of the sleeping bag and found the zipper on the side. All these thoughts had turned on a lightbulb in his head, and he wanted to put his plan into motion before he’d back out again, so he unzipped himself quickly, only stopping from time to time to adjust his position, and then he sat up.

He was face to face with Isak now, so close that he could see his favourite freckles up close, but he didn’t stay there and marvel at them, though. Instead he rolled over onto his knees and then got up. He wiped his hands once he was standing and then he held out a hand for Isak to take.

His boyfriend blinked up at him for a second, clearly trying to figure out what he was planning on doing, before he put his hand in Even’s without a single doubt in the gesture. He put his trust in Even, let himself be tugged up without knowing what would happen, and when Isak was standing, Even pulled him closer to him.

As they stood there, chests pressed together, Even noticed how his boyfriend’s eyes trailed to the background, to the white walls behind Even. Oh, of course. He had almost forgotten about how he had spent most of his night painting, he hadn’t noticed the physical pain in his hands due to the many hours he put into it up until now.

Even didn’t want to hear the questions, though, not yet at least, which was why he started tugging on Isak’s hand as he walked them in the direction of the doorway that would lead them to their room. To Isak’s room. Their wall.

Isak had to see their wall, he had to know what Even had done to it, and so Even didn’t stop until they were standing in front of it, side by side. The moon and the sun, staring at their story on that wall, back together again. The only story left in the entire building was theirs, and Even hoped he wasn’t wrong to think this still wasn’t the end of the book.

Isak stood still when Even let go of him and he took in all there was to see, the suns and moons and clouds and rain, everything. He wasn’t saying or doing anything, and Even felt himself get more nervous with every passing second where he stayed quiet. But he would just have to be patient, Isak would get there eventually. He would. And once he would, Even would take whatever Isak would give him and believe it to be the truth. He swore he would.

Eventually, though, when it seemed to be taking forever and Even was sure he was going to scream out in agony, he walked to the wall and picked up a can of paint that he had left there. Along with it he picked up a brush that he held it out for Isak as if to invite him to come closer. And of course, because he was Isak, his boyfriend did without question.

He took the brush from Even with hesitant fingers, like he wasn’t sure what to do with it, but when he stepped back to look at the wall he got a more determined look on his face. Even watched how Isak dipped the brush into the paint very calmly and then how he knelt down, settling at the lowest part of the spiral that Even had drawn before.

What would he do now? What would be his answer to the question Even had thrown at him by bringing him here, by showing him this wall and asking him to paint? Even held his breath as he watched Isak put the brush to the wall, and the moment between that touch and the first movement that followed appeared to last a lifetime. Even was sure he was going to lose it.

But just when he thought it would be too much, just when he was about to stop Isak, the spiral continued. The line Even had drawn before went down more, but only for a little bit, because then it went up and up and up to the very top of the wall, right next to the start of their downwards spiral.

When Isak got there he brought the brush away from the wall to check his work for a moment, and then he brought it down again to draw a moon. A half full moon in white, right there next to the first painting of them, and Even was still holding his breath, he was that curious to see what else his boyfriend would do.

Isak dipped his brush in the yellow paint next, which was at Even’s feet, and usually Even would have argued about using the same brush in two different colours, but this time he didn’t. He had to see, nothing was more important than this.

His boyfriend brought the brush back to the moon, and for a moment Even wondered what he would do with it, but then when he started drawing again it made sense. Even should have seen it coming, if he had been thinking about Isak’s words earlier. _I love you._

The sun and the moon, together. The sun inside of the moon, having the moon curl around itself. The sun warming the moon that close up. But together.

Because Isak saw them together, the moon and the sun, and Even’s heartbeat sped up when he realised what that meant. He heard Isak drop the brush more than he saw it, he was that captivated by the painting, and then Isak had wrapped his arms around him. His boyfriend, his sun, was hugging him tightly, and Even felt the air being knocked out of him all over again.

He was about to start crying the second time that day, he swore it was that emotional, because Isak was warm and perfect and hugging him. This was it, this was Isak accepting him in every way, and Even was finally able to let go. His arms came up around Isak’s back to pull him in that much closer, and he held on while he pressed his nose against Isak’s neck. All of his problems, they floated to the back of his head as the front was only filled with Isak, Isak, Isak.

It was the most incredible moment in their short relationship so far, their coming together after being miles apart from each other, literally and figuratively. Even hoped that now that they had survived this, they would be able to survive anything, because there was no one else he’d see himself with. There’s no one else he’d rather spend his time with, and Even was pretty sure that wasn’t going to change any time soon.

Isak’s phone had started ringing halfway through his trail of thought, interrupting their moment, but his boyfriend didn’t let go of him. He didn’t even flinch, almost as if he hadn’t noticed the sound or was trying to ignore it, and Even closed his eyes and tuned out the ringtone while he breathed in the scent he had missed for so long. Everything was Isak and so everything was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

When the ringing stopped, Even heard his boyfriend hum against him, but he didn’t step away from the embrace immediately, only said, “that’s probably Ellen asking me where I’m at. We were supposed to go look for you.” Oh. They were supposed to go and look for him. Together. His two guardian angels. Even truly didn’t deserve either of them.

He kind of hated how his emotions were too hard to ignore, how he couldn’t push them away the way he had done so many times before, but he knew it was better this way. It showed how he had grown over these past few days, how he had learnt to open up about his feelings. He honestly wasn’t the same Even he had been before this had all happened to him, and somehow that felt reassuring.

Still holding on to his boyfriend, Even nodded against the boy’s shoulder, feeling like this was where he should be the one to say something. Isak had given him no reason to doubt his intentions, which gave Even the strength to clear his throat and speak, even if his voice was barely a whisper, “I missed you so much.”

It wasn’t hard to admit to it, and so Even continued when Isak didn’t stop him, “I thought I had lost you and wanted to fix myself before coming back. I didn’t think of how it could scare you.” His words earned a squeezing hug from Isak, one that left him unable to breathe, but Even loved it. It was another sign of reassurance that told him how everything would be fine. They had survived the storm, and like the drawing Isak had just made, they’d be close from now on.

It was why he shouldn’t have been surprised to hear Isak’s answer, even though he was. “there’s nothing there that needs fixing, Even,” Isak replied, “we need to learn more about honesty and trust, about finding strength in each other, but there is nothing about you that is wrong and needs to be changed.”

And he was right, of course he was. About most of it, at least. Yes, honesty and trust were things they had been lacking in their relationship, things they were trying to make sure were there now, but Isak couldn’t state there was nothing wrong with him. A lot was wrong with him, a lot that could be fixed, but also some things that couldn’t be, and Isak shouldn’t deny that.

“But I-“ Even started, wanting to point those things out for him, but Isak didn’t even let him finish. He pulled away from him, much to Even’s dismay, and harshly pressed a finger to Even’s lips. He stared at him then, eyes dark and convincing and daring him to speak up again, but Even didn’t. Maybe he would try again later, but right now Isak wouldn’t agree no matter how many reasonable arguments he would give.

Isak seemed to realise he had given up, too, because he sighed and told Even, “no ‘but’s. Let’s just start over,” he suggested. “Take me to Ellen and tell me everything, okay? I want to know, I want to hear your side too,” he went on, showing Even what he was willing to do for them. Although Isak probably knew most of it by now, he still wanted to hear what Even had to say, and Even swallowed dryly as he looked down at his feet.

Then he nodded again, let the smile that was threatening to burst tug at his mouth, and he felt Isak’s hand slip into his only seconds later. His boyfriend guided him back to the other room, the one with Even’s stuff, and he got down on his knees and reached for Even’s bag. Even helped him, and together they cleared the room of all of his belongings, leaving the rest of it behind to deal with at a later time.

It was a silent activity, one where they didn’t speak a word, and even if he had wanted to talk, Even wasn’t sure what he could have said. It had felt too strange, the moment too heavy, to start talking about trivial things, so neither of them had said anything. It had been peaceful though, had been nice to be together like that, and when they left the building together, Isak was right there beside him and holding his hand.

It wasn’t until they had gone out of the building and into the street, leaving Even’s bike behind so they could take the bus the last short distance to the hospital, that Even realised that somehow Isak had actually been able to find him. To find _this place._ He had made Isak wear a blindfold and he was absolutely certain that Isak hadn’t known where to look. After all, if he had known, he probably would have found Even here days ago. So how?

“How did you even find this place?” he voiced his thoughts while they walked down the pavement. He saw how the questions startled Isak, but a second later it was gone and Isak was smiling again. He hummed before he started explaining, a proud look now on his face, “I was staring from my spot on the bus and I thought I recognised the door. I saw it when we left that night, and then I saw your bike, or I thought it was your bike, and I had to check it out. I was on my way to Ellen.”

Ah. If Isak hadn’t known about the hospital he would have never gotten on the right bus and if he hadn’t been facing this side of the road and staring outside he wouldn’t have been able to spot it. But he had, as if it had been fate, and Even was thankful for it.

“Oh,” Even chuckled while he looked down, feeling the ground steady beneath his feet, and he bit on his smile. Fate had wanted him to leave Copenhagen and fate had made Isak find him. Fate wanted them together. They were meant to be like that.

Isak squeezed his hand as if he could still read his thoughts and was letting him know he agreed, and Even looked up to see the look on his face, see if it matched the way that squeeze felt. Isak looked happy, calm now too, unlike before, and Even felt light enough to joke, “I’m kind of glad I wasn’t too strict about the blindfold on the way back then.”

Isak raised his eyebrows slightly, chuckling in return, and he replied with a surprised sounding, “yeah? I didn’t- you were so set on doing this on your own but neither of us, not me nor Ellen, knew where you were or how you were doing, so we went a little crazy driving around Oslo.”

It was an explanation of Isak’s actions, of his thoughts and why he had gone out looking for him, and it sounded like an apology, which was stupid because Isak had nothing to apologise for. Nevertheless, Even felt honoured that he had been important enough to the two people he adored the most for them to take time out of their own lives to try and find him. Driving around Oslo, god, Even could almost imagine it…

He laughed quietly, “did you really drive around Oslo?” Isak hummed and nodded, really getting into the story now that Even was asking about it, and it was obvious that he enjoyed telling him about it now that the worries were no longer there to accompany the memories, “yes. Ellen is a maniac when she is in a hurry, but apart from the speed limit she stuck to every damn traffic rule. We actually came down this road plenty of times, but I never noticed the building before today.”

As Isak spoke so enthusiastically, with so much passion, he swung their arms back and forth between their bodies, and Even got distracted by it. Half listening to Isak’s story and half staring at their hands, Even bit his lip to hold back his smile from splitting his face. He hadn’t noticed the change because he had been so caught up in Isak’s story, but he noticed it now: they were out in public… holding hands.

Isak picked up on his change of mood fairly quickly, cocking an eyebrow as if to ask what was going on, but Even didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t jinx it. He did keep his eyes on their hands, as if that should be answer enough for Isak, but his boyfriend was still in the dark and so he ended up asking, “what?”

Isak stopped them from walking, not taking silence as a proper answer, and Even paused with their entwined hands outstretched between them. Isak was staring at his face though, still not having caught up on it, and Even could see the worry in his eyes. It was why Even eventually explained, with the risk of Isak letting go, “we’re in public…” and he nudged his head to make clear he was talking about their hands.

Isak blinked at him, a little dumbfounded, as if he was only realising it now too. There was a blush creeping up his cheeks, but the look of surprise quickly made way for something else. Something Even couldn’t really read. “Even,” Isak stated as he tipped his head to the side, a bright smile appearing to hide his blush from view a little, “I just told you I love you and you are surprised by me holding your hand?”

Fuck. His knees, they were about to give way. The words hit him again, ‘ _I just told you I love you’_ , and they still seemed as surreal as they had done earlier. But yeah, Isak was right, he was still surprised. He would probably still be for a while, but that wouldn’t matter. What mattered was that Even knew they had promised each other honesty, and this was Isak’s honesty. Isak loved him.

Even shouldn’t have doubted him, he should just apologise for making a fool of himself, but his mouth wouldn’t work. It just hung open, and when he tried to speak nothing came out, both because he couldn’t find his voice and because Isak was now kissing him. Isak was kissing him right there, out in the open for everyone to see, and now Even really didn’t have any arguments left to throw at him.

They kissed for a little while, getting lost in each other again, and then Isak broke it off and moved back a bit so he could look into Even’s eyes. Even stared back, felt there was more to come, more that Isak would say, and he was right. Isak told him the words once again, staring into his eyes to make sure Even wouldn’t doubt him this time, and Even felt so on display like that, but he was caught in a web of love, unable to crawl out. He didn’t want to either.

“I love you, baby,” Isak whispered to him, “I love you so very much.”

Even’s eyes closed on their own accord and he inhaled sharply, the words getting slowly branded into his brain. And he wanted to return them, he did, but not right now. Not when he wasn’t sure what he felt like, not when he was this out of it. It would come out all wrong. He’d keep them for a better time.

When he opened his eyes again he let go of Isak’s hand, needing both of his own to cup Isak’s face, and he swallowed as he looked at the beautiful boy in front of him. This couldn’t be his life, this couldn’t be reality. Wasn’t it too good to be true? Could this be his medication fucking with him? Or worse, maybe the world was playing some cruel joke on him.

“How can you be real?” he wondered out loud, making Isak roll his eyes at him, and the boy chuckled as he instantly hit back with, “oh please. Neither of us is perfect, we’ve both made mistakes,” he reasoned, summing everything up, “but I’m not willing to give up on us because of those mistakes so if you don’t either, then it’s time we face our issues. Together.”

He was right. Absolutely right. They couldn’t do this on their own. For them to be in a healthy, working relationship, they’d have to work together and trust each other more than anything. Even had taken time to fix himself, he had done it all by himself and that had been both good and bad, and now that he had finished that, he’d have to take time to fix them. And he would.

“I know, I’m not willing to give up on us either,” Even promised, showing Isak a soft smile to ensure he meant it, and Isak believed him. He smiled back at him, took Even’s hand again, and he took a deep breath before he concluded, “alright then, let’s go see Ellen.”

\---

Isak was the first to walk into Ellen’s office, because Even was dreading this moment and strolling behind him, and when Isak dragged him along inside the room he said, “hi, Ellen.” He spoke the words so casually, like nothing big was going on, like this was just any other day, and Even almost laughed at him for it. Ellen was about to kill him, probably, and Isak was pretending like nothing was wrong.

Ellen didn’t look up from her map while she scoffed at Isak, still not having caught up on how Isak wasn’t alone, “you’re late, like an hour late. I thought you were going to be serio-“ she was using that mom tone, clearly trying to guilt-trip Isak, but she stopped mid-sentence.

Because she had moved her eyes up, wanting to quickly glare at Isak to give her words some more strength, but then her eyes had trailed to Even as he was standing next to his boyfriend. Seeing him had been what had made her pause, and for a moment she appeared to be frozen, her eyes wide and no expression visible in her face. The shock that she was experiencing had made her completely closed off, unable to do much for a while, but then she got up with such force that her chair fell back.

Papers scattered everywhere as she rushed to get to him, but she didn’t bother picking them up. She ran to Even instead, cursing as her shin hit the desk, but she continued nonetheless. Even kind of wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t do so right now. This was Ellen after all, and he had hurt her too.

Ellen’s hasty movements only stopped once she had enveloped him into this crushing hug that hurt  a little bit, but was good in a way too. “Even,” she cried out, happiness audible in the mentioning of his name, and Even hadn’t expected her to be so soft. He had expected to be yelled at, to get the full Ellen-Anger-Experience, but she was repeating his name while laughing.

It was the relief, obviously. He could feel it, he noticed it in the way Ellen’s shoulders relaxed, how she slowly started feeling less tense than before, and Even hugged her back because it felt right. She may be his doctor, but she was his friend too, and she cared for him more than many others in Even’s life. Ellen had been there right beside Isak in the search for him and she had done so much for him that he had no words to explain how that made him feel.

Luckily Ellen wasn’t going to let the emotional moment drag for too long, because she pulled back quite suddenly and hit his arm before she pinched it. Although it was exactly what he had expected to happen, Even still let out a whine and groaned, “ouch,” but Ellen huffed, “that’s what you get for worrying us so much, you idiot boy.” But then she was hugging him again, showing him that really, more than anything she was glad to have him back.

“You are grounded for life, you know,” Ellen told him while she rubbed his back, “I’m going to make sure Isak will keep you locked inside forever now. Like Rapunzel.” Which made Even chuckle and reply with something that earned him another painful slap against his arm, “Rapunzel got out of her tower though.” Beside them Isak laughed as well, making Even smile even brighter, and Ellen sighed.

“Okay, bad example. Either way, you get the point,” she held out her index finger right in front of Even’s nose while she warned him, “if you ever do that to me again I swear I will find a way to lock you up. You should have known better than to hide.”

She was right about that, he should have known better, and Even knew this was all just because she had worried about him which was also why he didn’t argue with her. He only nodded and briefly looked at Isak when Ellen stepped away from him.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised when he looked back at his doctor, “I just felt like I had a lot to deal with, and I have dealt with it so I’ll be fine.” He made a promise too, “I won’t be doing it again, I swear. There’s Isak, there’s you, and I know that, but this I had to do by myself.”

He could tell Ellen was taking him in, slowly letting her eyes move down his body, and to him that kind of meant she had forgiven him already. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have been ‘doctoring’ him. But she was, she was picking up on his chapped lips, his tired eyes, and he already knew what she’d tell him before she had said the first word.

“You don’t look too good,” Ellen said while her eyebrows furrowed together, her earlier point completely forgotten, and she was fussing over him already, “you look dehydrated. Did you eat and drink enough? Where did you sleep? You look like a truck has run over you.” She put her hand to his forehead to feel his temperature and then pinched his cheeks to get some colour in them.

“Not as much as usual, and in a sleeping bag on the ground,” Even summarised for her, and the frown on her forehead creased even deeper as she took in this new piece of information. It made her focused, and she watched him a bit more before she gave her honest opinion, “maybe I should get you on fluids, and you definitely need some proper sleep.” She was only considering her options, stating them for Even to hear, but Even shook his head at them straight away, “no. I’m not staying here, I’m going home with Isak.”

He knew that if he’d let Ellen, she would probably want to keep him there overnight to make sure he’d leave looking better than he did now, but all Even truly needed was sleep and plenty of cuddles. And maybe some food, yes, but that was all. Rest with the boy he loved, that was the best medicine.

Ellen stared at him, probably shocked by how he wasn’t agreeing with her suggestion, but then she smiled and turned her gaze to Isak, “I see. Alright, I will have to give Isak some instructions then.” She walked back to her desk, picking up the paper that had fallen to the ground, and flopped down with her pen already put to paper, “how about you two go see your father and I will sit down and think about what you need.”

She’d never give up on wanting to fix him, wanting to make his life better and easier, and Even appreciated it even though it could sometimes annoy him. She was only concerned about his health, and Even knew the last thing he should do was judge people who cared. They were the only ones he really had in his life.

Isak took his hand when Even stayed there, standing still. He had been so busy thinking about what Ellen would decide for him that he had completely missed what she had suggested. ‘go see your father’? Take Isak to his father? Show Isak that room, the man inside of that bed?

His father. It shouldn’t be a big deal, because Isak had seen his father already. Isak knew what had happened to his parents, he knew everything, yet it still felt like a big deal, because Even knew what Isak was expecting from him. His boyfriend had told him he wanted to hear his story from Even himself, and that story included the truth about his father.

Even didn’t have a choice, no matter how difficult it was to talk about. He had to tell Isak, not just because he knew it was necessary for them to become closer, for their relationship to work, but also because he wanted to. He had wanted to tell others about what had happened to him, how he felt about it, but he has always been too scared. Of course it would take time for these kinds of things to feel natural, but Even had to start somewhere.  

And so he pulled Isak with him as his feet carried him down the hallway to his father’s room, and he didn’t really think about it. He tried not to think about how difficult it was to tell others the story, let alone tell Isak what had happened. Sure, Ellen had probably explained a lot, but she hadn’t been able to explain how Even had felt during that time of his life, and Even had never really told anyone but her about it either.

He had to remind himself of how Isak loved him, how he had been trying to find him for days, and that this wasn’t going to make Isak stay with him out of pity. Isak wanted to know because he cared, because the foundation of a healthy and working relationship was trust and honesty, and that meant sharing. If Even wouldn’t share how he felt, he would only end up holding it in again and that could lead to repetition of his recent break-down. So no, there was no other option than to share.

Even slowly opened the door to his father’s room and even let Isak walk in first, all to buy himself some time, to find the courage he’d need. Isak took slow steps as well, his whole body straightening as he moved carefully. His boyfriend stopped a few steps away from the bed and turned to look at Even while he waited for him to close the door and join him there.

When Even turned back from the door he pointed Isak to the chair on the other side of the bed, which the boy walked up to while Even cautiously made his way over and sat down on his side of his father’s bed.

He took his father’s hand between his own, the move habitual by now, and he cleared his throat softly before he spoke. “Hi, dad,” he greeted him like he always did, feeling the heaviness of the situation press on his shoulders as his words filled the empty air around them.

Those feelings, the regret and sadness, they would always be there. There hadn’t been a time where Even had walked into this room where those feelings hadn’t been hauntin him, where they hadn’t been weighing him down and trying to suffocate him. But it was easier now, in a way, because he could see Isak right there with him, and he knew Isak wouldn’t let him drown in them.

“I’ve brought my boyfriend with me today. His name is Isak,” Even said next, feeling the need to introduce the other presence in the room just in case his father could feel it, “he wants me to talk about what happened to you and mom, so… get ready for that.” He managed to chuckle quietly, because for some reason he could almost hear his father making one of his snarky remarks that would make Even feel more comfortable. Something like ‘ _stop being so serious and get on with it already_ ’. It was nice, even if it was a pretended thing, and Even glanced up at Isak with a smile.

His boyfriend was staring at him, his gaze locked on Even, but his expression was open and awaiting. It was very clear that Isak wouldn’t push him to talk, even though the curiosity was undeniably there in his eyes too. Even knew that Isak would love to hear whatever he had to say, but if it would be too much, he would let it be too, and that was exactly what gave Even the strength to talk.

“It’s really hard to sit here time and time again when nothing ever changes,” he started explaining as he looked back at his father’s face, the peaceful expression he saw there, “sometimes things get a tiny bit better and sometimes they get a little worse, but nothing big ever happens. It makes me feel like the rest of my life I’ll come and sit here, only to feel like nothing will ever be right again.”

He swallowed hard, went on immediately because he didn’t want Isak to think that he meant that was a lasting feeling, “I mean, that’s how I feel when it comes to my parents, not in general. But, like…,” he paused, had to swallow before he could go on, “My mom is gone. She’ll never see me graduate or grow up, she’ll never know if I’ll be successful and she’ll never know you. And with the way it’s looking right now, my father won’t get to see any of that either.”

Isak stayed silent, but he moved his chair closer to the bed, as if he wanted to touch Even but was too nervous to do so right now. It felt good though, to have his presence so near, and Even took a deep breath as he looked at the wall of cards right next to his father’s bed, “the hardest thing is that life just goes on. People forget, they forget so quickly.”

Even was shaking his head, but he no longer felt the anger and frustration he used to feel about it, “the first month all I dreamt of were accidents and being flooded by cards and unwanted hugs, but I felt kind of numb back then. It was shortly after that I first lost it. My anger, the way I didn’t understand what was happening, it all caused me to freak out, because it was as if we had just vanished from other people’s existence. My mom and dad, and me too. People simply forgot about us, like we had never been there in the first place, and that was really difficult, especially back then when the loss was so fresh to me. I felt like I had no one, even though Ellen was always there.”

“She really cares about you, I can tell,” Isak quietly replied, not wanting to disturb the flood of confessions coming from Even, but he didn’t want to just sit there either. His smile was soft, supporting, and Even was thankful he didn’t see the same pity he had seen in other people’s eyes. It was there, very much so, but Even had a feeling Isak was looking at him like that because Even had been hurting, not because Even was such a sad case for losing his parents.

Even sighed, “I know. I think anyone else would have already told me that there is no future for my father. Others would have made me decide to stop the treatment much earlier, but Ellen knows how difficult it is, especially in my situation.” It wasn’t hard to see how he was getting special treatment from her, how she was considering his feelings more than anything. “She’s scared the way that I’m scared, that it will make me fall in a much deeper black hole than ever before. She’s scared I would never get back out of that, and I think- or I thought, she could be right.”

It was all due to Isak that he felt more positive, all due to Isak that he knew better than to believe losing his father would make him lose himself forever. Because Isak would reach out to grab his hand and pull him right back out of the darkness and into the light. He would warm him, like the sun warming the moon, and Even would heal through his light. With Isak by his side there wasn’t anything he couldn’t do.

Which was why he finally felt everything re-align inside of him, until everything was clear. It was as if his world had been twisted, stars crossing in the sky, but now he could see everything in perspective and he knew what he had to do.

“But now I have you, Isak,” he told his boyfriend, “and I know I can face anything with you right next to  me, including the loss of my father,” Even said it as he lifted his father’s hand to his lips, and when he finished talking he pressed a kiss to the man’s knuckles. A tiny, fluttering kiss, a promise.

“I’ve been selfish for keeping him here. I’ve put my own needs above his, and I know now that it’s better for him to be at peace,” Even swallowed hard and closed his eyes as he inhaled deeply. “If Ellen says it’s better for him that we stop the treatment… then I will. I will prepare a beautiful funeral, will engrave his name below my mom’s, and I will grief him in a way I didn’t let myself grief for my mother.”

He forced out the words because they were so hard to say, and Isak reached out to put his hand over Even’s, Even’s father’s hand beneath both of theirs. “Even…” His boyfriend sounded unsure, as if he was worried Even was making a hasty decision, as if this hadn’t been thought through, but it had been. Even had been running from the truth for so long, but he had promised himself he’d face it now. He couldn’t keep his father here year after year after year. It didn’t work like that.

“It’s okay,” he promised Isak, and he smiled at him reassuringly, “I need to stop thinking about what is best for me and start thinking about what is best for him. My selfishness isn’t fair to him, and it has to stop.” He kept on nodding, trying to convince himself that this was really the right thing, until Isak had pushed himself up and sat down on the other side of the bed so he could wrap his arms around Even again. They hugged briefly, mostly because it was a little awkward to lean over that far, and then Isak sat back and watched him with worried eyes.

“This isn’t something to rush, though,” Isak replied softly, letting his eyes scan Even’s face, and Even couldn’t hold back the smile that broke through. “It isn’t rushed,” he promised once more, “I’ve been slowly trying to come to that conclusion since the moment he ended up in this room. It’s taken me months, how can that be rushed?”

Ever since that first day Even had known that if he were to be a good person, he would have to do whatever was best for his father, not for himself, but that had proven to be more difficult than he had thought it would have been. It had taken him months, months of going through a lot of fucking shit, to finally come to that conclusion.

“Alright,” Isak replied, not wanting to take it any further, and Even decided he would try to explain it again some other time. At a time where he wasn’t this emotionally unstable, where the decision already felt a little more final, not like something he just came to accept. This was enough for now.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now,” he told Isak, and Isak nodded at him, agreed with him, “okay, that’s alright. We’ll stop.”

Even looked at his hands, at the contrast between his own and the pale and bruised one he was holding between them, and he blinked a few stray tears away. These could become the last few days with his father alive, and that was a strange thought to have. The strangest thing about it was that this was a decision Even had to make, that it wasn’t something he could actually discuss with his father. It would be much easier if he could ask the man what he wanted, because it would be out of his hands then.

But his father couldn’t talk to him, he couldn’t let Even know what he wanted. Although, that wasn’t exactly true. Ellen had told him straight away that it was very likely that his father would be able to hear him talk. It was why Even always talked a lot when he came to visit, why he told every stupid and idiotic thing that had happened to him just in case his father would be able to hear him. So maybe he could try to find a way to discuss it with him.

“Dad,” Even whispered, brushing some of his father’s hair out of his face as he leaned in a little closer, “this is it. If I’m doing wrong by giving up on you, please, I’m begging you, give me a sign. Anything, give me anything and I’ll hold on. Just squeeze my hand or something.”

His heart was in his throat, his hand still as he waited for something that would tell him his father had heard him, but there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Of course there was nothing. If there had been, they would have had more hope in the first place. If there had been anything there they would have noticed it, they wouldn’t have told Even the chances of recovery were very, very slim. This was false hope, only sparked by the happiness in Even’s heart, and some of that happiness died as he let go of his father’s hand.

Nothing.

“Come on,” Isak whispered with his hand on Even’s shoulder, “tomorrow is another day. For now let’s just go home, okay?” he suggested as he squeezed Even’s shoulder a little, waiting for him to turn around. There was comfort and sadness to Isak’s suggestion, for his boyfriend realised it was too much for him. He could read him that well.

When Even stood up, ready to walk with Isak, his boyfriend stopped him from walking and cupped his face in his hands the way he had done before. He looked at Even so intensely that Even felt like Isak could stare right into his soul, and his everything was on display that way, but he didn’t care. Isak was allowed to see now, he was allowed to know what was going on inside of him, and so Even stared right back.

The soft brush of Isak’s lips against his was both surprising and not surprising at all, for it was evidently the only way Isak could convey his feelings, but at the same time it felt too intimate for this room. He let the touch linger, though, neither of them really putting effort into the kiss, but it was enough just standing there with their lips pressed together.

And it wasn’t okay, not in any way, but it would be. Even knew it had to be.

 

 

 

\---

_25| Intimate_

 

_“What is your safeword?” Isak asked him as he lay Even back on the bed, his every move slow and soft like Even had asked him to be. He was pulling on Even’s knees to get him down lower on the mattress while he was repeating the question Even had asked him not too long ago, right before he had gone down on Isak in a way he had worried could have made him feel uncomfortable. It had been a safety thing, seeing as Isak could have possibly backed out of it then, and now, now Isak worried about him wanting to do the same._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like, the tiny little preview of Wednesday is actually the start of the chapter and it is picking up from where Monday stopped ;---) So.. Monday. Fluff, making things right, and more.   
> Anyway aaahhh 2 more chapters and an epilogue for this O_O


	27. 25| Intimate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!! SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC SMUT (more graphic than usual lmao but probably still pretty soft)

**25| Intimate**

 

“What is your safeword?” Isak asked him as he lay Even back on the bed, his every move slow and soft like Even had asked him to be. He was pulling on Even’s knees to get him down lower on the mattress while he was repeating the question Even had asked him not too long ago, right before he had gone down on Isak in a way he had worried could have made him feel uncomfortable. It had been a safety thing, seeing as Isak could have possibly backed out of it then, and now, now Isak worried about him wanting to do the same.

It was a good question though, one that assured Even that he had made the right decision by following his gut feeling and handing his boyfriend that condom. Because he had never been surer that Isak was different, that Isak would be perfect for him, because Isak cared more for Even than anyone else ever had. Even felt almost sad knowing it had taken him so long to figure that out, but at the same time he knew it hadn’t taken him that long at all. Some people took years to realise they had found their soulmate, for Even it had been a little short of a week.

So, Even’s safeword… It was a good question, but a difficult one too, mainly because he didn’t have one. Many of his one-night stands hadn’t needed a safeword, seen as they hadn’t meant much and hadn’t lasted for more than that one night – obviously- , and with Jannick he had never had one either. Well, ‘stop’ had been a safeword, but that one had been ignored a ton of times, which meant that, no, Even didn’t have a real safeword. He hadn’t thought he’d ever need one either.

He knew Isak’s safeword was ‘addiction’, because Even was apparently his addiction, but Even didn’t have anything clever and romantic like that. What the hell could he use for this? Isak? No, that was a name, one he’d hopefully be screaming in another context. It had to be something he wouldn’t be able to moan once he’d lose his mind.

He had been quiet for so long already, and it was clearly making Isak freak out, wondering that maybe he had done something wrong or said something to ruin the mood, but the truth was that Even’s mind was empty. It was just that, the fact that Even’s mind was blank, nothing popping in until he stared at Isak’s troubled face he just blurted it out. “Green.” Green eyes. Green.

Isak finally smiled as the anxiety disappeared from his face, and he clearly knew what Even had meant with ‘green’. He sucked his lower lip between his teeth as he nodded and when he released it again it was a darker shade of red than it had been before. Even couldn’t look away from it, feeling that desire in the pit of his stomach again. “Okay,” his boyfriend whispered then, while he put his hand against Even’s chest, “green it is.”

When Isak leaned down to kiss his neck, Even could tell he had flipped a switch somewhere inside of him. He wasn’t going to endlessly ask if Even was sure about this, like they had done before, and he wasn’t going to hold back, which Even was fucking thankful for, because he didn’t want him to.

Those things would have kind of killed his boner, would make it less enjoyable for the both of them, and why should they use words to ask for assurance when they could use their bodies to talk? They had used plenty of words the day before to stitch up the largest wounds and now they got to glue together the smaller ones.

They were still in their little bubble together, ignoring the rest of the world around them, and Even didn’t want to come out of that for another while. He knew he was supposed to be in class right now, as was Isak, but fuck it. This was their space, their home, and fuck education. For now, at least. Nothing beat the feeling of Isak’s lips against his skin, not even painting a masterpiece.

Isak was taking his time kissing every part of Even’s body like Even had done for him as well. His fingers were stroking, tickling him, and Even let it all ground him. They were really doing this, this part of sex that had only ever meant something with Jannick. That had only been a lie in the end, and every time Even had done this with someone else it had been thoughtless, necessary for the sake of being close to someone, and it had never been a reoccurring thing. But that was about to change. Isak was about to change that.

Another thing Even hadn’t realised up till now was that he had only been with girls after the thing with Jannick, rather than being with boys, and he figured that had probably been a subconscious decision, because with girls he could always be in control of the situation. But not he was giving up that control for Isak, he was letting Isak take over.

Because Even had feelings for Isak, which made this way more complicated and also way more exciting. Even was giving up that control he had felt he needed for so long, all because he trusted Isak to be good to him. He had proven himself when it came to that, so Even had no worries. He wanted his boyfriend to take that control.

Besides, seen as Isak was a boy too, a boy just out of the closet and discovering his sexuality, Even was pretty sure that Isak would be soft and uncertain. He was clearly not yet comfortable enough with sex to have Even top.

Not that Even minded, not exactly, because he had loved bottoming before. When he had first gotten together with Jannick it had always been good. Those times before things got out of hand had been pretty amazing. The times before Jannick managed to wind Even around his little finger…

But Even wasn’t going to think of him anymore now. Jannick had shown him his true colours once more and it had been enough for Even to give up on things ever changing about their situation. He was done with the asshole, he was going to ban him out of his life for good, but he knew that would take time. For a while he would probably still compare Isak to him, but he also knew that no matter what he’d compare, he’d always come to realise that Isak was much better in every way.

Isak kissed back up Even’s chest, ending with their lips pressed together, and Even kissed him back while he felt fingertips following the outline of his ribs against his skin. They trailed down and down further, to Even’s hips, and it wasn’t until Even had landed back on earth, no longer lost in his thoughts, that he felt how Isak was trembling.

His boyfriend’s hands were shaking, the kiss was a little uncertain too, and Even snapped out of it. He broke the kiss and waited for Isak to look at him before he asked, voice soft and concerned, “baby, are you okay?”

Was Even the one forcing now? Did Isak not want this yet but was he doing it for Even the way Even had done it for- no, he wasn’t going to think that name again. He had to know, though, before Isak would start saying yes to things that his mind was screaming ‘no’ at.

It was one of Even’s biggest fears when it came to sex, more so than the fear of feeling so out of control that he’d panic, and he was experiencing it now too. Was he being like Jannick? Was Isak the version of Even that had kept on agreeing to things he hadn’t wanted to do?

A thousand possible worries filled his entire body, making him freeze, but Isak was having none of it. He was blushing, a bright red colour exploding in his cheeks, and he looked down as he nodded, eyes on Even’s chest. “Yeah,” he whispered, “I just- I don’t exactly know what I’m doing?” he seemed slightly embarrassed about it, but he wasn’t scared to admit it, and Even exhaled slowly once he heard those words. Okay, that was okay. Isak still wanted him and Even wasn’t taking things too far. This he could deal with.

“Oh,” Even brought out, instinctively brushing his thumb over Isak’s red skin, making it even redder, and he couldn’t help but smile, “that’s okay. I’ll help you through it,” he promised, and Isak’s eyes flittered up to meet his. He answered Even’s smile with a soft one of his own, and just like that it was fine again.

The fact that they had come straight out of the shower made things so much easier. They wouldn’t have to go and clean up, because they just had, and the whole hassle of getting clothes out of the way wasn’t an issue either. Isak’s skin was still slightly wet and it was chilly against Even’s, but he loved the way it made goose bumps rise on his arms.

Isak kissed him again while he worked the cap off the bottle of lube, and Even put his feet flat on the bed without giving it any thought. His boyfriend slid down between his legs, holding on to Even’s knees, and he watched Isak sit back on his heels as he threw away the cap with a grin. He looked absolutely beautiful like that, with his thighs taut and his stomach moving with every exhale, and Even was already gone so far.

He wrapped a hand around his cock, giving it a few thoughtless jerks to get the blood flowing while Isak kissed the inside of his thigh. He was already leaking onto his own stomach, the sneaky way Isak let his fingers slide across the exposed skin of his ass getting him hard so fast that for a second he felt dizzy. Isak was good at this. He had no experience, but he was good at it, and to Even that was both unfair and pretty much a goddamn blessing.

For one, it meant that Isak paid attention. He had watched Even’s face a lot, testing to see what he’d respond to, and now he got to use that knowledge to make him forget everything else around him. Isak had wanted to learn how to please him, and the fact that he had figured out how to was mind-blowing, but there was more than that. Because alongside paying attention, Isak happened to have magic fingers.

The first time Isak had fingered him he had fumbled and he had looked so embarrassed that the redness in his cheeks had spread all the way down to his neck. Isak had clearly felt uncomfortable and out of place, like he wasn’t sure if he was doing it right and if it had been pleasurable at all. It had felt that way too, at first, but Even had told him what to do, when to add another finger, that sort of stuff. And then, before Even had even gotten to the part of where to find his prostate, Isak had brushed his fingers along it and Even had been a goner.

The second time they had done it, Isak had found it almost instantly, and he hadn’t needed any more guidance. So yeah, magic fingers. Those two things combined made it that Even didn’t have to say anything right now. Isak knew when to use more lube, knew that Even liked being kissed alongside the touches, and he added a second finger exactly when Even wanted to open his mouth and ask for it. They were in sync, both on the same page, and Even couldn’t wait to see what that connection would be like with Isak deep inside of him.

God, he couldn’t wait for that moment, to feel that way again. It was a difficult feeling to describe, having someone that close to you, but Even often compared it to feeling complete. People weren’t meant to be alone, because being utterly alone would make one lonely eventually. People were meant to live together, to love, and the most intimate way of loving and living was through feeling someone else’s life and love touching you in every possible way.

Isak crawled up to clumsily kiss Even’s lips while he tried to keep a steady rhythm with his fingers, and Even found himself not panicking about this at all. He had expected for this to be such a heavy moment, for himself to freak out and need a lot of reassuring to get through it, but all he could feel was desire. It curled inside his stomach with every brush of Isak’s fingers against his prostate, and although it felt as if he was living in a haze, floating above his body, Even’s mind was clear.

“Please,” he begged, “please, Isak.” The fact that he was begging did bring him back to previous times where he had done so, to how he hadn’t always meant it when he asked for more, but this wasn’t Jannick. This was Isak, and he was begging because he wanted to. No lies, only honesty.

Isak pulled back his fingers, leaving Even open and wanting more. More, just more of everything. God. His boyfriend sat back and wiped his fingers before he picked up the condom, and when he took a while trying to get it to open, Even crawled up and took it from Isak’s slippery fingers. “Lie down,” Even ordered, missing being in control, and he realised that maybe it was best to ride him first rather than feel Isak heavy above him.

Without asking why, without spluttering or arguing, Isak fell down where Even had just been and Even swung his leg over Isak’s hips just as he got out the condom. He held the tip of it between his thumb and index finger as his other hand rolled the condom on Isak’s hard-on. God, he’d feel so good. Isak wasn’t as thick as him, but he had length, and Even couldn’t wait to feel him buried to the hilt.

He reached out for the lube, not because he wouldn’t be able to take it, but because he didn’t want to have any worries about pain that could make this experience any less pleasurable or could actually make him want to use his safeword. Isak would be mortified if Even were to use it, and so would he, which was why Even wasn’t taking any risks.

Isak inhaled sharply when Even first touched him, his chest moving up on the inhale and he held it there, high in his chest, while Even covered him in lube. The bottle ended up somewhere on the floor when Even tossed it aside, and although he did press a kiss to Isak’s stomach, he wasn’t really in the mood to wait any longer. There had been enough teasing on Isak’s side, and Even was too wound up to do the same to him, which was why he crawled up Isak’s body slightly, sitting up so he could guide himself better.

Isak looked out of it, his eyes wide and his breath still high in his chest, which made Even pause for a moment, waiting for Isak to snap out of it. “Breathe,” he told his boyfriend while he flattened the fingers of his free hand against his boyfriend’s skin. He could feel it when Isak finally listened to him and exhaled before inhaling again, but he didn’t hold it this time, which was good. It wasn’t until Even was sure that Isak would continue to breathe, though, that he did anything else.

Feeling the head of Isak’s cock pressing against him was a bit surreal. It wasn’t because he hadn’t expected for them to ever do this, because he had, but there was just something that startled Even about it. They were right there, about to become one, and Even felt his heart exploding inside of his chest. Isak was staring up at him with those gorgeous eyes, his hips were pushing up to lightly apply pressure and make Even lose it, and it was too much.

Even’s thighs were getting sore, his eyes were dry from not blinking at all, and somehow it was as if time had stopped. Isak’s hands were on his hips, waiting for him, and Even was just lost. There was a calmness inside of him that had stopped the raging war that had blown everything out of place. The quietness made everything move in slow motion as the world inside his mind rearranged. Things that had been kicked over were slowly being put upright again, shards of glass stuck back together again.

And Even exhaled, pushed backwards and felt the world swing back in motion at full force. It was a bit like reaching the surface after a long time of being under water, the first gasp of air that would expand your lungs. That was what it felt like to feel Isak enter him, to have his body open up for him, and Even panted for air as if he was actually resurfacing from ice cold water.

Isak looked like he hadn’t expected to feel what he was feeling, like it caught him off guard just as much as it had Even, and this was only the head of his cock that was inside. Even wanted to rush it, he wanted more and more, deeper, warmer, everything, but he knew it would be bad to rush it.

His thighs were really sore now, which was why Even slowly started moving his hips to get Isak in deeper. The lube helped, as had Isak’s three fingers, and although Even’s heart was in his throat awaiting the pain, there wasn’t much more than the typical burning sensation of being spread open. Isak filled him perfectly and there wasn’t anything to make Even feel worried or scared, and so he let go. He let it all slide down his back, until it was gone and all Even could feel was Isak. All he could think was Isak. Isak. Isak.

And they made love. First Even made love to Isak, rolling his hips while he sat on top of him. He used his hand on Isak’s chest to stable himself, but although it was nice to be in control, it wasn’t all he wanted. He wanted to have Isak decide when to snap his hips, wanted to see how he’d be if he were to have control, which was why after a while of getting used to the feeling again, he rolled them over rather awkwardly.

Isak caught himself just in time to roll with Even, and he had slipped out halfway, but only halfway. Thanks to the tight hold Even had had on him, with his legs around Isak’s hips, they managed to stay locked in place, and Isak laughed breathlessly for a moment before he looked down at Even and kissed him. And then Isak made love to him instead.

The way his boyfriend rolled his hips was truly something. The sound of him panting above Even was sinful and it made Even want to come already while at the same time he begging for it to never end. He wanted to forever float on that line, so close to his orgasm but not far enough gone to lose awareness of how amazingly sexy Isak looked right now.

His boyfriend’s chest was covered in a slight layer of sweat, his hands next to Even’s body as he thrust into him, and his lower lip stuck out as he breathed with his mouth open. Isak’s eyes kept falling shut as he fucked Even in earnest, making him feel so good, and Even found it hard to keep his own eyes open too.

“Isak, Isak,” he brought out, a mantra of his boyfriend’s name leaving his lips, and Isak replied with short, “yeah”’s as if he didn’t know what else to bring out. Yeah, indeed.

Isak came first, groaning loudly and dropping his head to Even’s shoulder, and Even tried to get a hand between their bodies so he could jerk himself off while Isak rode out the aftershocks, but Isak stilled before he could get there, which made him whine. But his boyfriend wasn’t going to neglect him. He wasn’t Jannick after all.

Isak pulled out and replaced his cock with his fingers before he settled between Even’s legs and swallowed him down. His fingers brushed against Even’s prostate on the first try, and that extracted a moan and some babbling from deep down Even’s chest. His hips pushed up, trying to get more of his boyfriend’s fingers, and Isak happily complied.

It was barely a minute before Even warned Isak by tugging on his hair, but Isak stayed down, hollowed his cheeks a little more when he sucked softly, and Even dug his heels into the mattress and balled his hands into fists when his orgasm hit him.

His eyes rolled back into their sockets, the force of his climax hitting him hard as Isak was still rubbing his prostate so perfectly, and he fell into a black hole of ecstasy. Isak kissed him through it, he kissed him for minutes on end, and Even kissed him back. He wrapped his boyfriend in his arms and pulled him down next to him so he could kiss him better, and somewhere in the middle of their making-out they got the covers up over them to keep them warm, but their lips never left each other for long.

Even was a goner. He was so fucking happy, so relieved too, that he had actually been able to forget the past. Or, well, not exactly forget it, but store it away. He had given it a spot in the back of his mind. It had happened, it had been a thing and it had shaped him, but it was no longer a threat. Isak had been perfect, as perfect as Even had thought he’d be, and he felt happy.

Happy and in love.

 

 

\---

_26| Miracle_

 

_"Yeah, I can," Even had to clear his throat and look away so his thoughts wouldn't stray again, "but to do that I kind of have to tell you the whole purpose of the club," he explained. Telling others the purpose was always a tricky part, because it would have to stay a secret for it to continue its work, but out of all people that Even had had the honour of telling, there was no one he was as certain about as Isak. Isak wouldn't tell, ever, and so it would be alright._

_"Don't I know that already? You fight for equality on many levels, isn't that it?" Isak cocked an eyebrow, as if he was lost on what Even could mean, and alright, he could understand why Isak would think that. Even had never really let on how the club did much, much more than that. And so he smiled, showing Isak how he was wrong to think that, and Isak's other eyebrow raised as well, "not?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, there is a better piece of smut left for an epilogue... I hope this felt realistic somewhat. aghhh okay I don't even know what to say here, I'm just in shock because I know there's only one actual chapter left and then the epilogue next week... wow.


	28. 26| Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even dropped the phone.
> 
> He actually dropped it, it fell between him and Isak on the couch and for a second he was frozen. He was stuck in place as the words dawned on him, and then when the spell broke he stumbled to get his phone back. "Sorry," he apologised, "I dropped you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Even's final chapter. I hope you've enjoyed the ride, but don't go too soon, there's still an epilogue coming ;---)

 

**26| Miracle**

 

Walking to the club together was a strange experience. Even remembered how last time they had gone there, it had ignited something that he couldn't have predicted would blow up as much. Last time they had walked there together they had been laughing and joking, unknowing of how all they had had would be collapsing hours later. And somehow, magically, through their love, they had survived the storm. A hurricane had hit them, but they had kept standing. 

This time though, they weren't joking and laughing. They were simply walking side by side together in silence, but with knowing smiles on their faces. There wasn't anything uncomfortable about it, no unspoken words in the air between them. They were merely lost in their thoughts, their mouths still bruised from kissing so much, and whenever Isak would look at him, Even's smile would always grow just that little bit bigger and he'd playfully bump his shoulder against Isak's every time. 

It was peaceful, like the wind blowing around them, and Even closed his eyes as he walked on, felt it on his face. This was like any other club meeting, really, except Isak would be there as his boyfriend instead of as a friend. People would know the truth soon, from themselves this time, but first Even had something else to take care of. 

He unlocked the door to the building just as Vilde and Eva walked up to it too and Vilde jumped his back, surprising him to the point where he yelped loudly – and very unattractively - and Isak couldn’t help but laugh at him.

"Eveeeeeen," Vilde squealed as she kissed the back of his neck, and Even pulled up his shoulders as a reflex, "Jesus, Vilde, you scared me.” In the background Eva chuckled and rolled her eyes before she hugged Isak, and it was nice to see how his boyfriend and closest friends were getting along. It was everything he could have ever asked for in life: feeling stable, happy and in love, without anyone around him fighting. He seemed to have found exactly that.

Isak was grinning at him from over Eva's shoulder, making his heart jump a little again, while Vilde told him, "we came to help set things up." She let go of him and opened the door for them, slapping Even's ass as he passed, and he was sure she could see him wince. If she had, he was absolutely positive she would know precisely why he was wincing.

Either way she, thankfully, didn't comment on it and Even stumbled inside with his keys in hand and a blush on his cheeks, "great, because I have some paperwork to do and have to explain to Isak what his new job entails," he told his best friend.

"Ah, that's true. Isak is the new picker, right?" Vilde’s tone was playful and Even nodded to confirm her words, "yes, he sure is. He'll make a great picker, don't you think?" He felt Isak at his side, taking his hand, and when Even looked at him he saw this confused look on his boyfriends face that was probably there due to the fact that he was the only one in the dark about what it meant to be a picker. 

"Oh, definitely. I've seen everything he has done for you and he has a great eye for it, surely," Vilde agreed while she stepped aside so Even could open the door to the basement for them. Even decided not to comment on it anymore, he'd tell Isak about it soon enough anyway, and Vilde let is rest as well. She skipped down the stairs as she went ahead of them and Eva followed when she noticed Even was keeping Isak there with him for another moment.

"What is it?" Isak asked once he realised Even was holding him back with a reason. "Is it too much? We don't have to be here if you don't want to be," he started worrying already, but Even shook his head and pressed a kiss to his boyfriend's lips. "No, I'm good. I just wanted to have a moment with you. Wanted to tell you not to let Vilde's jokes get to you, okay?" Even smiled as he stared into Isak's eyes, and Isak raised his eyebrows at that, "god, you're such a sap."

His boyfriend fixed the collar of his shirt and he licked his lips as his eyes flit to Even's, "don't you worry, I can handle Vilde." He said it with the tiniest of grins, making something flip inside Even’s body, and when Isak winked, Even inhaled sharply, "you don't know how hot you are right now.” He groaned just when Isak turned around and took the first step down the stairs. Even heard him laugh, his shoulders shaking slightly, and he took another two steps before he looked over his shoulder, "oh, but I do." 

Fuck, was Even lucky or not? He truly got blessed, having such an amazing, beautiful boy fall for him. "So cocky," Even replied jokingly while he shook his head and followed Isak down the stairs.

They helped Eva and Vilde set up some things for the party, up to the point where Even knew they'd be able to finish on their own, and then he tugged on Isak's shirt to get his attention. "Come with me," he told his boyfriend, and Isak's tongue darted out to wet his lips when he turned to Even. The suggestive move didn’t go unnoticed, not at all, and although Even had a hard time ignoring the flashes of memory from earlier that day, he managed to push it aside enough to talk.

"Not because of _that_ ," he stuttered, and Isak looked kind of disappointed, but Even only rolled his eyes and took Isak’s hand. His boyfriend followed him after he had dropped everything, and together they walked to the tiny office. Even closed the door behind them and watched Isak flop down on the couch, looking at him curiously.

Even stood there for a moment, trying to think of what was next, and while he considered where to begin with his explanation about the club, he got them both a drink. It was a bit easier to think with his back turned to Isak, because it was that bit less distracting for him to clear his head.

He looked at the beer, thought of his medication and everything he had promised himself, and then he picked up one bottle with his left hand and grabbed a bottle of coke with his right. Then he closed the fridge without another thought and handed Isak the beer and kept the coke to himself. He sat down with Isak, both of them taking a sip from their drinks first. The party was just getting started, the music from the other room still soft enough to talk to each other without having to raise their voices or lean in close. Not that Even would mind doing that, but it would complicate their talking.

"So, we still have to deal with you becoming a picker, because I never made it to that meeting," Even hummed as he kept his eyes on the bottle in his hand. Isak hummed along in reply, the sound quieter than his, and Even felt how a hand came up to cover his own. The touch was warm and felt like home, and Even knew that Isak was waiting for him to turn his palm so they could link their fingers. 

It felt comfortable and Even was fucking ecstatic knowing Isak was happy and sure enough about them to initiate the touch, even if no one was around to see it. They were supposed to come out to the members tonight, for real, normal style, but Even had already told his boyfriend that if he didn't feel like doing it they could always postpone it. No pressure, there had been enough of that. 

"I know," Isak spoke then, pulling Even out of his thoughts, and they were quiet for another moment after that, the both of them still thinking about all that had happened, "but you can tell me now, right?"

Even nodded, watched the side of Isak's face as the boy took a swig of his beer. He looked beautiful tonight, like always, but Even felt different about it now. Because they were different, so different. Isak had this sparkle in his eyes now, ever since that first time together, and it got Even to blush quite a few times throughout the day. They had shared 'I love you's and had been as close as they could physically be. This was it: love. That look in Isak's eyes, that sparkle, it wasn't just imagined. It was there, and it was love. 

"Yeah, I can," Even had to clear his throat and look away so his thoughts wouldn't stray again, "but to do that I kind of have to tell you the whole purpose of the club," he explained. Telling others the purpose was always a tricky part, because it would have to stay a secret for it to continue its work, but out of all people that Even had had the honour of telling, there was no one he was as certain about as Isak. Isak wouldn't tell, ever, and so it would be alright.

"Don't I know that already? You fight for equality on many levels, isn't that it?" Isak cocked an eyebrow, as if he was lost on what Even could mean, and alright, he could understand why Isak would think that. Even had never really let on how the club did much, much more than that. And so he smiled, showing Isak how he was wrong to think that, and Isak's other eyebrow raised as well, "not?"

"No," Even was quick to argue, "of course that's what we do, but we have a bigger purpose as well. We actually have influence inside UiO," he started, "and that all happened because I decided to stand up for myself."

Isak didn't seem to get what that meant, and his face didn't change while he stared at Even; he was still confused. So Even started talking, explaining, "when I just got here in my first year, of course my teachers knew I was bipolar, and I noticed how they treated me differently. But not in a good way. Not in a way that would benefit my bipolarity. They just wouldn't let me do certain things they let other students do, because they felt like they had the right to decide what would be good for me and what wouldn’t. Shortly after I came to that conclusion I met Eskild, and I realised this was a bigger problem."

He took Isak's hand in his lap when he put his glass down on the table, and Isak waited for him to go on. "Eskild was in his second year and he got refused at his internship because he was gay. We were so done with it, and I went as far as threatening to sue the university over it, which got us to talk to the big guys higher up. Obviously they did not want me to go that far, and they finally agreed to find a solution, which ended up being this club."

Even remembered what it had been like, those talks. All straight, white men with their perfect little families, knowing nothing about what Eskild and he could be going through. And every time they had tried to play him, which had happened a lot, Even had just reminded them of what would happen if he would sue them. Surely he'd win, being the pity case, and it would be bad press for the university. In the end they had found a way to settle the issue and make sure it wouldn't happen again, all with Even's help.

"Oh my god," Isak whispered, eyes wide, "you threatened to sue the school?" He sounded incredulous, and Even worried maybe he was judging him, but then he started laughing and his mouth dropped open, "faen, Even." 

Even laughed as well and he shrugged, "yeah, well, it was their own fault." He played with Isak's fingers, "but it resulted in something beautiful. This whole club and all we do." He looked up at Isak then, "you're a picker now. Pickers have important jobs." 

Isak's laughter died down, realising this was getting more serious again, and he nodded to show he understood. "Your job, together with the other pickers, is to arrange the internships for every student in the school. Over the years we have gotten student profiles. First we got those of students who deal with mental illnesses or have other labels like ADHD, but then we also got those who were open about their sexuality and could face discrimination. As a picker, you file those with the companies known to be accepting of those thing, and then once that is done you file the rest that is left on other random spots on the list." 

Even wasn’t done yet, needing to share more about the procedure, "we get a list with companies and internship spots and these companies and the university agreed that whatever list with names we provide, they will be picked based on their skills, not their personality and sexuality, but some companies still struggle with those rules," Even explained last, and when he finally stopped talking, Isak blinked up at him.

For a while nothing really happened, and Even didn’t push it because he knew Isak was taking it all in. His boyfriend’s eyes were wide and he looked rather shocked, and then he did something Even didn’t expect him to do. He surged up and kissed him. Out of the blue.

Isak kissed him hard, his hands coming up to cup Even's face, and Even let himself be kissed up to the point where Isak had almost crawled into his lap. They couldn't take this further, not now, not when Vilde could barge in any moment, not when other members would be arriving soon. And if Isak sighed and pouted at him, Even pretended not to see it. 

"What was that for?" Even asked as he touched Isak's cheek and booped his nose, and Isak scrunched it up as he did. "For the fact that you're such an amazing, caring person," he told Even, "because I'm baffled. You're so... god, Even."

Even could feel his cheeks heat up as Isak spoke, a blush rising high up his face. He would always feel embarrassed whenever Isak would give him compliments, and it would probably go on for the rest of time, but it was a nice feeling to get. To know someone appreciated him, that someone loved his personality that much, was special. Isak loved him that much.

"I only did what I felt was right," Even shrugged his shoulders, like it wasn't a big deal although he knew that he had truly achieved something great with this club, "and I was lucky to have my parents support me, they stuck to my side through everything. They were ready to help me sue the school, they helped me set up this club and keep it secret. They actually did a lot. I'm glad my mother at least got to see its first year before she died."

It didn't hurt as much to talk about her as he had expected it to, and Even felt like maybe it had to do with how much Isak knew about him now. He knew everything and he hadn't judged Even for it, and that gave him strength to talk about the things on his mind. So he told Isak about his mother a little, it wasn't much, but it was something and it was enough too.

"I'm glad. I'm sure she is proud of everything you have achieved," Isak agreed. He tipped his head to the side and smiled so lovingly that Even felt his heart leap in his chest again. And again, and again. "Are you sure _me_ being a picker is a good idea?" his boyfriend asked next, the doubt audible, and it caught Even off guard a little.

Was Isak blind? Did he not see the guy Even was seeing? Did he not know himself well enough to see that he was perfect for this? Even didn't have a reason to hesitate about his decision at all. It was made for the wrong reason at the wrong time, but the decision itself wasn’t bad. "Yes, Absolutely. I'm like two hundred percent sure," Even swore. 

"Okay," Isak accepted the verdict so easily, like he hadn't really been in doubt whatsoever, and as his hands found Even's face again, him leaning in for another kiss, Isak whispered, "I'll do anything to make you proud." 

Isak could stop right now then, because Even already was.       

They made out for a while, lazily kissing each other while their hands found a spot to rest on. Whenever Isak tried to get his hands to places they shouldn’t wander, Even stopped him, earning a whine from Isak, but eventually his boyfriend gave up trying to get anywhere and Even closed his eyes knowing it wouldn't matter who'd barge in. Everyone already knew about him and Isak, and he let himself slip into this calm state of mind where everything was comfortable and soft. 

Until his phone rang.

It took a while for Even to realise it was ringing at all, he had been so lost that he hadn't heard the sound at all, but when Isak pulled away and concluded, "I think it may be important, since this is the second time your phone is ringing. Might want to answer it?" he finally felt the buzzing of his phone.

Isak chuckled, as if he was aware that kissing him was more important than a call, but he just wanted to be polite. Even heard his annoying ringtone, to which he sighed, and while he tried to keep Isak close to him, he wriggled around to get his phone out of his pocket.

It turned out it was Ellen who was calling him, for the second time in a row now too. What the hell? When he answered, starting with, "what's going on? Urgent news or something?" Ellen didn't reply with her usual joking tone. Obviously, because if she had called him to joke around with him she wouldn't have tried to reach him twice in a row. She would have just let it be, which was why Even already knew this was urgent news. 

"Yes. You need to come to the hospital, like _now_." she ordered him. There was a seriousness to her voice which told Even that she was busy with whatever she was doing. It also told him that whatever it was, it couldn't be good, and so he didn't ask what was going on straight away. And that annoyed her.

"Why?" he asked instead of flat out asking her for the news. It was hard to ignore the worry, the unnerving feeling in his stomach as he thought of his father, but he tried to sound carefree, mostly to protect himself from breaking down. "Can't it wait?” he pretended not to care, “I'm at the club right now. Isak and I are going to come out to the members," he explained, as if that was a good reason to ignore her important news. 

"No, it can't wait, Even," she sounded slightly annoyed now, "I need to get back to taking care of the patient in room 411, you know, seen as that man just opened his eyes after being in a coma for months when everyone had given up on him. Just thought the man's son would like to know and come see him."

Even dropped the phone.

He actually dropped it, it fell between him and Isak on the couch and for a second he was frozen. He was stuck in place as the words dawned on him, and then when the spell broke he stumbled to get his phone back. "Sorry," he apologised, "I dropped you.”

Even had to take a deep breath, had to try and calm down enough to have a proper conversation, “Ellen, are you saying-? No. That can't be right? You're not playing me, are you? This isn’t payment for me running away, is it? You can't tease people like that." 

"Fucking hell Even, I'm hanging up on you," Ellen sounded actually pissed about the fact that he was joking, "I need to get back to him to run some tests. It may just be a short moment of him waking up before slipping back, in which case I suggest you get your fucking ass over here because it might be the final moment with your dad where he is aware of your presence. I better see you soon, Even." And then she hung up.

Even had to check to see the call had actually taken place, and Isak was beside him looking very worried with his eyebrows drawn together and his lips slightly parted. When he stayed silent, Isak put his hand on his boyfriend's leg and asked, "baby, is everything okay? What's going on?" 

What's going on?

It was a great question, a fucking great question, and while Even thought of an answer he finally felt it all fall into place. It finally made sense, Ellen’s words… His father was awake, for now at least, and Even was sitting here doing nothing. His father was no longer in a coma? Maybe, god fucking maybe, he would stay awake and Even would get to keep his father in his life. Maybe. 

What the hell was he waiting for? Why wasn't he jumping up and rushing outside to get to the hospital right now? Why could he only sit here frozen, thinking about it all? Probably because it couldn't possibly be true, right? They had been clear: it would be very unlikely his father would ever wake up again. How could Ellen's call be real? 

Moreover, Even was scared. Scared of what he'd find in that room, room 411. Would his father be able to talk to him, would he be able to keep his eyes open or smile at him? How severe was the damage to his body? Would he be paralysed or not, would he ever have a good quality of life? God, he was fucking terrified of the answers to those questions.

But he had Isak next to him. Isak, who was pulling him close to his chest, wrapping his arms around Even although he had no idea what the hell was going on. He had Isak to drag him through everything, Isak to support him if this hope would end up killing him later on. He couldn't not go see his father, but luckily he wouldn't have to do it alone.

"That was Ellen," He told his boyfriend, his voice soft against Isak's shoulder. When he didn't continue straight away, Isak hummed to encourage him to talk, and Even let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes when he finished, "it's my dad... he has woken up."

\---

Isak was running through the hallways, way more than Even was. He had needed to stop in front of every automatic door that they had passed through, as they had had to slowly open up for him, and Even had watched him rather amusedly. It wasn't as if he didn't feel like rushing, not like this moment wasn't worth running for, but he simply couldn't. He physically couldn't. 

His feet wouldn't go faster, his body was numbed by the fear, and he was sure that if someone would shake him right now he'd end up puking everywhere. So he walked slowly, feeling every step as his feet touched the ground, and he watched Isak as he violently hit the button to the elevator. As if it would reach the ground floor any sooner.

It had been his boyfriend who had dragged him up once he had explained everything Ellen had told him. It had been his boyfriend who had made him leave the club meeting behind – there was no arguing which was more important in Isak’s eyes - in order to get to his father.

He had been so helpful. He had made sure Even wouldn't stop walking or try and get out of going there in any other way. He had called Vilde to tell her what had happened and why they had left without saying goodbye. For days now Isak had been taking care of him, and now he was by his side in what would without a doubt be one of the most important, uncertain events in his life. 

Even was too scared, too numb to make himself move, and he was pretty positive that he would have probably just stayed there on that couch if he had been by himself. He had been too frozen too move, too shocked and afraid to do anything. It was all because of Isak that he was at the hospital now now. If Even hadn't had him, he would have kept running away from the situation. He wouldn't have gone to what could possibly be the last moment where he could actually talk to his father, and that he would have surely regretted later on in life. But thanks to Isak, thanks to this amazing and beautiful boy, Even didn't have to regret it. 

Isak took his hand when they finally got to a stop inside the elevator, and Even plastered himself against his boyfriend's side while they went up. The light of the button that had the number 4 on it was blinding him, which surely had to be his imagination, but whatever. Even couldn’t help but feel like everything was attacking him, and Isak seemed to notice that.

"It's okay,” he told Even while he pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s shoulder, “you're going to be fine, Even. I'm right beside you." Even hummed, but he didn't manage to sound reassured, which was why Isak raised his hand and pressed his lips to Even's knuckles this time. "Remember when we were here last?" Isak continued when he kept quiet, taking Even back to that moment, "when you asked him to give you a sign? Maybe this is it." 

Isak said it so nonchalantly, like it wasn't important whatsoever, but it made Even freeze again. He had completely forgotten about what he had said, thinking that if his father hadn't given him a sign back then, he shouldn't have expected one at a later time, but maybe Isak was right. Maybe his father had heard him after all and he had fought for him, or maybe it had been his mother helping from the other side, whatever side that was. Fuck, Even wasn't supposed to be a believer, but this, his father actually waking up, it would be nothing short of a miracle. 

He barely realised that Isak was tugging him out of the elevator and into the hallway, and Even had to gasp for air as he could see his father's door there, far off in the distance. He had walked this hallway countless times before, but his father had always been asleep. He had always known what to expect once he would get there, had always felt comfortable because it had become a reoccurring thing that was easier to deal with. But now his father wasn't asleep, and that made it a hundred times more difficult than it had been before.

Nonetheless Even didn't resist when Isak started walking him further into the hallway, the two of them getting closer and closer to room 411. Even was having a hard time breathing, felt like his self-consciousness was being thrown to the back of his head and he was taking a seat in his mind to watch the movie his eyes were filming for him.

He watched his feet as they walked to the door, watched Isak’s hand as he opened it for him and he watched as Isak stepped aside to let him enter first. Even saw himself take the few steps to get to the end of the bed, he heard the deafening sound of the machine that counted his father's heartbeat in his ears. It had changed, it was faster than before, and Even found it strange to experience that, because those sounds had been so consistent for so long. They had been this never-changing thing in Even's life that gave him some stability, but now that was gone.

The sound of his father's heartbeat wasn't the only thing that had changed, for when he looked at the bed he saw how his father's hands had been moved from his sides to rest on his chest. Even's heart picked up when he saw a finger moving slightly, and that movement was what catapulted him out of the chair in the back of his mind.

His eyes shot up to his father's face, almost desperate to see his father the way he had been before the accident to get that little bit of familiarity, with his eyes open and a smile on his face. Which was he was actually shocked to see his father's eyes were still closed. So much had changed, but not that, not his face. Or had it?

For a second he felt like he had been pranked, or maybe worse, that he was too late, but when he took a closer look he noticed how his father's face wasn't as calm as it had been before. His eyelids looked like they were squeezed shut and his lips were drawn in a tight line as if he was in pain, and Even wasn't sure he liked that better than what it had been like before.

Isak put his hand on Even's shoulder when Even sat down on the edge of the bed very carefully, and his boyfriend squeezed in support, trying to nudge him to do something more. So Even settled on the first thing he always did when he came here. It took a few seconds to find his voice, and he wasn’t sure what emotion clung to the words as he said them, but at least he had said them, "hi, dad." 

He hadn’t known what to expect as an answer to his words, but it wasn't like anything he had seen in those sad movies with similar storylines, that always managed to make him cry. Those kind of movies where someone with amnesia finally remembered their lover, or the literally relatable movies with characters waking up from a coma. Reality wasn’t anything like it.

His father didn't open his eyes and jump up to hug him, there were no big life-changing moments either. Even knew those movies weren’t very realistic, because people couldn’t just wake up like they hadn’t been close to death for months, but for some reason he had hoped for that kind of happy ending.

What Even did see were his father's eyes moving behind closed lids. He saw his right hand twitch on top of his chest, and he heard a deep inhale of breath. It made Even hold his own as he tried to make out every tiny sound, every small move his father made, and it was only then that he realised this was really happening.

So many emotions hit him at once that Even was afraid he would end up sobbing again. It was all a jumbled mess, happiness and sadness mixing and tying together, and Even felt like he was falling. He was falling and everything came flying by on his way down, but there wasn’t any ground he would hit. Not yet at least. There was mostly the realisation of how he had missed this, the feeling of having a parent in his life.

To his own surprise Even didn't start crying. Whenever he had imagined this he had imagined the emotions would overwhelm him to the point where he wouldn’t be able to do anything but let it break him. But he wasn’t crying, no matter how his eyes were burning, he wasn’t. In fact, rather than staying quiet, he started talking.

More and more words fell from his lips, a flood of thoughts and feelings all pouring out into the silence, "dad? It's me. It’s Even. Are you okay? I've missed you, I'm so happy right now. I need you to pull through for me, alright? You're all I've got. You can't leave me as well, please. Please."  

Isak wrapped his arms around Even from behind and started hushing him, his lips against the shell of Even’s ear. His arms were locking Even in place, were protecting him from falling apart, and Even was glad to feel their presence. “Dad? Ellen told me you opened your eyes, can you try for me? Please try for me, I want to see them. It’s okay if you can’t, I’ll wait until you can, but try?” He wasn’t sure what to say, he didn’t know what would work in this moment, but he had to give it a shot.

He could hear Isak gasp behind him as both of them realised that Even’s father was in fact awake, that he could really hear them talking, because they could see his eyelids fluttering. It only lasted a moment, where his father’s eyes were rolling and his eyelashes were trembling, but in that moment Even could tell Ellen hadn’t been fooling him. She had been honest, his father was truly awake.

The movement stopped for half a minute or so in which Even and Isak both held their breaths, waiting patiently for something more, and then Even’s heart almost leaped out of his chest when his father’s gave it another try. His eyelids trembled, like before, and this time he didn’t give up as easily. Half of his left eye opened to show a blue coloured iris, and when Even saw it, he lost it completely.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Fucking hell.

He grabbed his father’s hand in his and had to really try and not start blabbering all kinds of things that he felt his dad had to know. He wanted to stay focused instead, to make sense of his jumbled thoughts and critically pick which were important and which weren’t. That was even more difficult because he could feel Isak’s body was shaking as he was pressed up against him, but he tried anyway.

“Okay, good. Good, you’re doing so well, dad, I’m so proud,” he said first, acknowledging how his father had listened, “I’m sure Ellen is going to do everything she can to make it easier for you, I promise.” Assurance, making clear that Even wasn’t done fighting like he had led to believe before.

He held on tightly to the hand between his while trying not to squeeze it too hard, and he swallowed as he felt a sudden rush of tears come up. It left him unable to speak and he blinked violently, heard Isak was sniffing against his shoulder, and he finally let out a shuddery breath as the first tear dropped down, hitting his wrist and dripping down further.

For a while Even couldn’t do more than let the silent sobs shake through him, and he was biting on his lower lip to stop them from becoming louder while he continued to squeeze the hand in his from time to time.

He wasn’t sure what else to say, and neither was Isak, which was why both of them kept quiet for a long time. It was a strange silence, one where Even just couldn’t get in touch with his feelings and everything was too unbelievable to make sense of things. It felt a bit like floating, like Even wasn’t really experiencing this, as if someone else was in this room and Even had somehow managed to tune in to the same frequency. It was as if he was looking into another dimension, another version of life, all because this reality hadn’t settled yet.

Even was so lost in it all that he almost missed the moment his father squeezed back. Even was almost sure he had made it up, because it hadn’t been a very noticeable squeeze, but he was sure he had felt it. He was positive that it hadn’t been his own hand moving, although the disbelief made him doubt himself. Had his hand been too relaxed, had it twitched on its own accord and was he now confusing it with- But then it happened again. The tiniest of squeezes, sure, but a squeeze nonetheless.

“Isak,” Even whispered, “Isak, he’s squeezing my hand.” It was a surprise he was able to get out the words at all, but he managed to, and Isak was squeezing his body in reply to his words. His boyfriend’s nose nuzzled his neck, loving and tender, and Even realised that Isak probably didn’t know how to respond either. It was such a special moment in his life, something he had never thought would happen, something that shouldn’t make him feel as happy as it did, but it still did.

It was a proper goodbye. No matter what now, whether things would end up being alright or not, he would be able to let go. This was the goodbye he never had with his mother, that final moment he would be able to remember, and now he took it with both hands.

“I love you, dad,” he said, and he could hear how his nose was blocked, but it didn’t fucking matter, "thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I just want you to know that.” He sniffed, felt another one of Isak’s supportive squeezes as he went on, “I know I’ve asked you not to leave me, but that isn’t really fair of me. Of course I want you here, I want you to meet Isak, I want you to see me grow up even more, but if it’s too hard… if you can’t fight any longer, it’s okay too. Mom is on the other side, and though I’m sure she’d want you here with me too, she could be lonely.” Even felt a little bit stupid for ranting, which was why he shrugged his shoulders and finished it with a soft, “I guess I’m just trying to say that no matter what you’d choose, I will be okay with it.”

Of course Even wanted nothing more than to have his father in his life, he didn’t want the man to die, but the doctors had been clear about how his quality of life could be very low. They weren’t sure of the amount of physical damage, let alone brain damage, and it could be bad, very bad. If his father were to end up paralysed, needing constant care and being unable to speak and whatever else more… Even wouldn’t want that for him. He wouldn’t want that for anyone.

But his words sparked a reaction. One that showed Even that this was really his father, the man he remembered, inside there still. Because this time, with hardly any difficulty, a pair of fully opened eyes were staring at him. Somewhere during Even’s story they had opened, quite forcefully as well.

There was this look in them that told Even his father was giving him one of his snarky remarks, like the one he had imagined the last time he had been there, and it told him ‘will you shut up about this pity thing already’. It was as if his father was telling him to fight, the same way he was fighting. Almost as if he was giving Even permission to be selfish now and use some tough words rather than this sad stuff.

And Even stared, he only stared, hoping that whatever he felt was visible in his face as his father watched him quietly. The man was still unmoving otherwise, but his eyes were open and he blinked slowly from time to time. Even didn’t know what to do with this now, he didn’t, and he was glad Isak cleared his throat and pushed himself up off the bed, “I’ll buzz Ellen.” And Even nodded, agreed, “yeah, please do.”

But he didn’t have to, because moments before Isak found the right button to press, the door to the room opened and Ellen herself walked in. Even only looked up for a moment, but then his eyes went back to his father, who still hadn’t looked away. He knew she’d come up to them after all, and he didn’t want to see her face in case she’d bring them bad news.

“Even, good, you came!” Ellen spoke, an unfitting lightness to her voice as she wandered in. For a second Even wondered if she was actually aware of his father’s state, but when she started talking terms with him he knew she was. There was a different reason for the casualness in her tone...

“I ran some tests and all that jazz, you know all about it because we’ve done it before, and the results are… well, positive. That positive that we want to do a scan of your father’s brain soon to see how his mental activity progresses. Also, we’ll get a specialist in as soon as possible to check his physical functions. Of course that will mean starting off small, checking if he can move his fingers, then his arms, that sort of thing. But if that goes well, then we’ll work up to checking if he can walk or not. A lot will be happening from now on, so I’m going to need you to focus, okay?”

Her request was already proving to be difficult, because Even had instantly forgotten half of what she had said, his father’s squeezes distracting him from her words, “I’m sorry, I didn’t follow half of your story,” he admitted honestly, the approach he had with Isak quickly taking over most of his life, “can’t you just summarise it in like, one sentence?” He shook his head, trying to really clear his mind to hear this one sentence so he could hold on to it for later.

Ellen sighed, but then she smiled. She pulled a chair closer to the bed and really made Even look at him. Her eyes were wet and a little bit red, as if she had been crying too, and she briefly touched Even’s cheek while her lower lip trembled. She had been invested in this case, she was such a good friend, his second mom, and for her to be here with him now was more than Even could have asked for. For her to tell him this news, it was the best feeling in the world.

“I was trying to say,” Ellen talked slowly, choosing her words carefully, and Even heard them enter his mind one by one, “that we think he is going to make it.” We. Think. He. Is. Going. To. Make. It. “He’s going to pull through, Even, we really think so,” Ellen repeated herself, using different words this time.

He. Is. Going. To. Pull. Through.

Oh.

“Oh my god.” **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No emotional words from me here just yet, nope... still got the epilogue on Wednesday. Of which no teaser ;--)  
> It'll all be a surprise!  
> It isn't over until it's all good.


	29. Epilogue| Four years later...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He took Isak’s hands, saw the confusion in his eyes as Even started walking him backwards through the water, back to the beach. Even had found his soulmate, he knew he had, and yet it had been so difficult for him to see this was what he wanted for so long. A house, a family, a husband. Growing old together, his heart with Isak and Isak’s with him. They were Isak and Even, had been for over four years. Fuck his fears, fuck everything.

**Epilogue: Four years later...**

 

 

Even was a coward. He realised that when he followed Isak onto shore, climbing out of the same boat they had been in years before. Or well, maybe not the same boat – Even hadn’t exactly been paying attention to the boat back then - , but it was definitely the same guy getting them to the same spot.

Eskild’s friend had looked at him like he had known just what was going through Even’s head, and his knowing smile had only grown the longer Even had been on that boat. Because with every wave they had ridden, Even’s heart had jumped a little higher.

He was pretty sure that he had never in his life been as nervous as he was today. Not during his first big premiere, not when he was waiting for the production team to approve or turn down his first script. Not even when he had needed to tell Isak about everything in his life in order to keep him close. Never.

He felt like throwing up, like he was coming down with a fever, but he told himself that if he wouldn’t feel good enough, he could always wait another day. It didn’t matter. It was just a question, the world wouldn’t end if Isak decided to say no to it. They had all the time in the world, so there was no rushing it. Right?

Isak was carrying their bags all by himself, and Eskild’s friend told him, “good luck, he’ll say yes,” when Isak was far enough away not to hear him. The guy didn’t even know what he would be asking Isak, but Even decided not to argue or explain himself, scared Isak would overhear. He only nodded before he got his feet in the water and rushed up to Isak to help him.

In the bags was much the same as the first time they had been here, the day of Isak’s twentieth birthday, and now they were back there to celebrate his twenty-fourth. They still had the same blanket as then, and they always took it out for special occasions, but it was a bit more worn than four years ago. They would probably keep it until they were eighty and could no longer sit down on it by themselves without spraining their hips.

Isak was already wearing his swimming trunks, and as he took off his shirt, Even stared at his body. The years had done Isak well. His body was toned, the slight outline of abs visible as he stretched, and his skin was tan from their trip to Cannes, where they had gone for the annual film festival. Nothing beat the Oslo sun though, nothing beat the water in the fjords, and so Isak had begged Even to spend his birthday here again.

Even was still as in love with him as he had been back when he had been twenty years old, if not more. He didn’t know where he’d be without Isak, but it probably didn’t include a house in Holmenkollasen, a contract for his first ever motion picture and the love of his life waking up next to him every day. Even had had more luck than he had ever thought life would give him.

Of course there were still rough times, times where Even felt himself slipping away, where he scared Isak with his behaviour and his words, but Isak always rationalised. He would call Ellen, ask her over for tea, and he’d discuss Even’s medication with her. Not only that though. Isak would work from home just so he could make sure Even ate during his depression, he kept an eye on Even during parties so he wouldn’t drink too much, and it worked. Things just worked between them.

Isak still smiled the same way he had done when they had first met, still had that spark in his eyes that told Even he felt the same as Even did, and whenever he realised that Isak loved him he’d feel those same old butterflies awaken inside his body.

“You’re staring,” Isak told him as he laughed, the muscles in his stomach contracting, and Even hummed before he turned his face to the sun. For a moment he was able to forget all about the future, about them, and Isak flopped down next to him and said, “I’ve invited Ellen and Jens over for dinner tomorrow. Told them to bring Silje. She turned two when we were in Cannes. We should buy her a present and get cake for dessert.”

Isak sounded so domestic, so grown up, and they were truly different from four years ago. Back then their biggest worries had been their grades, them going public and making sure they didn’t jump each other’s bones in public. Now though, now they were adults. Proper adults. They made plans with friends, went to parties together, had their jobs to worry about and then money. Although, with Even’s recent success, money wasn’t really an issue.

So yes, a lot had changed, yet at the same time nothing had changed at all. Isak still dipped his bread rolls in Even’s potato salad the way he had done on their date at Botanisk Hage. They still had nights where all they wanted was to curl up together and watch a few movies, including their favourite Disney classics. And there were times when they’d fuck until sunrise, until Isak’s damp skin would sparkle at the break of dawn and he’d fall down next to Even laughing breathlessly.

And Even almost asked, almost just threw out the question he had been trying to ask for weeks, but he swallowed it down just in time. Not yet. He turned on his side to look at his boyfriend, who was looking right back at him, “hmm, we should get her a nice present. You’re good with kids, can you get her something?”

Isak stared at him, long and hard, and Even wondered if he had said something wrong, or if there was something on his face. But then Isak looked away and let his fingers trace the lines of the blanket, his voice turning softer as he spoke, “you’re good with kids too, you know. Have you not seen yourself with Silje? She adores you, she actually keeps asking for you whenever I babysit her, you’re definitely her favourite. She’s cute isn’t she?” Isak sounded uncertain, like he was talking about something he shouldn’t be talking about, and Even finally understood where this was going.

They had a dog at home; May, named after the month they had gotten her. Isak loved that dog, but Even could tell he wanted more. His boyfriend had never made a secret of the fact that he wanted a family, but Even had always felt like he was too lost to ever be a father. He had always felt limited by his disorder, didn’t want to end up with Isak having to take care of both him and a baby at the same time. He wanted more for them than that, but having Silje around, it had changed things.

Even had been reminded of what it was like to be with kids, and he had understood why Isak felt the way he felt. He loved that girl, loved making her laugh and building things with her, dancing to stupid songs. Even understood, but it still made him nervous. Wouldn’t it be too big of a risk?

They hadn’t discussed it again, not after the last time that Isak had started about it, when they had ended up in a huge fight because Even had been tired and talking about this sensitive subject had gotten him to have a panic attack. From that moment on Isak had very carefully threaded around the subject. Until now.

“She is,” Even answered, feeling another opportunity rise. Isak was talking about a family, their future, and Even’s question belonged to that category too. So maybe it was time, maybe Even should man the fuck up and go through with it. Now or never. And god, he wouldn’t forgive himself if he’d actually choose the latter option.

“Maybe,” Even started, seeing a spark of hope in Isak’s face, and Even reached out to take a hold of his boyfriend’s hand, “maybe we should go talk to Ellen about our options?” He didn’t have to explain himself, didn’t have to tell Isak what he meant with ‘our options’. Isak didn’t have to ask what topic Even was referring to, because he knew. Isak had suggested it himself plenty of times, but Even had never commented.

He was answering now though, and Even watched his boyfriend turn pale, the smile draining from his face as he turned serious. Isak squeezed Even’s hand so hard that Even worried he’d cut off circulation and Even would be left with one hand for the rest of his life. He looked like he hadn’t heard Even, like he didn’t believe he had actually heard him say those words, and it was clear in his voice.

“Are you-“ Isak started, his voice barely there as he was so scared to ask the question, “are you saying what I think you are saying?” he finished, needing to be sure that Even was serious. And he was, he was dead serious.

As he lifted Isak’s hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles, he heard Isak squeak out a noise, and Even reasoned, “I love Silje, but I think it is time we start our own family.” And before Even could say anything more, Isak was crying as he flung himself at Even, arms wrapping around his shoulders. His whole body was shaking, hot tears falling onto Even’s shoulder, but he knew they were tears of happiness.

“Are you sure? Even, are you fucking sure?” Isak asked, voice almost angry as he just had to ask, not wanting to believe this was real. And Even understood why, because he had been so against it for so long, hadn’t wanted to discuss it either, but Even’s fears would always lose it from Isak’s happiness. “Yes,” He replied as he turned his head to he could kiss Isak’s cheek, and Isak whimpered.

“And you’re no longer scared? No longer think it’s just a bad idea for someone bipolar to be a father?” Isak asked, summing up all the reasons Even had given for them not to go through with it. And Isak had been so patient. He had found a hundred ways to give counter-arguments. Professional research, experiences from other bipolar parents, all that stuff, but Even had never given in.

But he could see it now. If he closed his eyes he could see their guestroom being turned into a nursery. He could see Isak on their bed with a baby in his arms and the biggest, loving smile on his face. He could see himself in the middle of the night, standing at a crib and feeding their baby boy or girl while Isak caught up on some much needed sleep.

He could see food smeared across the dining table, water all over the bathroom floor after a bath and a ton of lego all around the house so Even would step on them while on a late night snack hunt. He could see himself coming home to cuddles and a soft voice calling out, “papa!” He could even see himself changing diapers.

And god, it did scare him. He worried about being awful at changing diapers and he worried about it being too much for Isak too. What if he’d get manic while being alone with the baby and he’d forget to feed it, or what if he just left…? But those were what-if’s, and Even had done well over the past year. His medication was working, he had dealt with the trauma and grief of his past life, and he knew Isak would be there through everything.

“I am scared shitless,” Even admitted, “but I love you more than anything, and if you think we can make it, then I believe you.” Isak’s hands were on his face, pulling him into one of the most intense kisses Even had ever gotten, and it made every hair on his body stand up.

Fuck, fuck they were starting a family?                                                  

“We could ask Vilde, I’ve already talked to her about it, she would gladly be our surrogate mother,” Isak started rambling, “Eva had the honour of being pregnant with Marit, so she’d love to carry. Or we could find an anonymous one if you’d feel uncomfortable knowing the birth mother, but that would mean we don’t get to see much of the pregnancy,” he was rushing the words, stopping every few seconds to kiss Even.

“We’ll figure it out,” Even promised as he wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist and just held him close, felt his boyfriend laughing happily against him, and it reminded Even of the time they had had sex on a beach in Spain, where a gush of wind had blown sand in Isak’s face and he had burst into laughter. But now there were tears along with the smile, and Even felt his boyfriend hide his face against his neck. “After all those years you still know how to make me the happiest man on earth.”

Even’s heart exploded in his chest, because that was all that mattered. Isak was all that mattered to him. He had thought so often that there was something else he could hold on to, just in case Isak would leave, but there was nothing. No club, no art, nothing could beat the feeling of being with Isak. Of holding him close, of making him smile, of being inside of him, kissing him… Isak was the sun and the stars, he was Even’s whole universe.

Would Isak make him the happiest man on earth too?

Oh god, he was about to ask, wasn’t he? He felt like he was ready. He was about to put his own heart on the line, about to either make today even more incredible or ruin it all, but then Isak pulled away from him. “I want to go swimming,” he beamed, obviously too high on happiness, and Even watched him get up. “Come with me?” his boyfriend asked, and well, how could Even refuse?

He got up too and started getting undressed while Isak walked away already. “I think we need to take back home some sand,” Isak said as he rushed to the water, Even hot on his heels. Back home Isak had a pot of sand from all the destinations they had been to, mostly from beaches that had meant something to them as a couple. There was Spain, from the beach where they had had sex, and sand from the Cannes beach party where Even had celebrated the win of the production he had helped with as an intern the year before. There were stones from the beach in Brighton, where Even had asked Isak to move in with him, which had led to them buying a house together.

This place, it held many memories for them too. This was where Even had admitted he had been falling in love with Even, where they had kissed in the water and Isak had returned the words. And now, now they had decided to start a family, to try and see if they could get a child together. It was such a big responsibility, but Even loved Isak with all his heart. He hoped to add another memory today.

The water was soothing to his burning skin, and he was glad to feel the cold against his cheeks, because he was back to being so nervous he could pass out. Isak was splashing around, so unaware of the way Even was feeling, and he watched him quietly.

It was hard to believe that this was his life now, that after so much loss, so much pain, all he got to feel was happiness. He had forgotten what it felt like not to have a broken heart, because Isak had healed his piece by piece.

_It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside  
I'm not one of those who can easily hide_

When Even didn’t join in on his splattering, Isak stopped to look at him. Even watched him kick his feet around trying to stay afloat, and he smiled, but it didn’t assure Isak that much. “What’s wrong?” His boyfriend asked, and he threaded back to more shallow water to get closer to him.

Even shook his head, “nothing, just thinking,” he said, and then he went under to cool his cheeks again. When he got up, Isak was even closer than before, his eyebrows drawn together in a frown, and Even hated seeing him frown. He would feel bad whenever he was the cause of it, and he did now too.

“Even,” Isak said sternly, “I can read you better than anyone else. I am not blind, I am not stupid, what is wrong?” His boyfriend reached for his hand under water, and Even could feel the warmth of their bodies close, “or is it-? Is this about what we just discussed? You didn’t just- Even, you didn’t just tell me that because I want this, right?”

Even kind of wanted to laugh, because Isak should know there were plenty of things Even would give in to for the sake of making Isak smile, but deciding to start a family was not one of those. He was aware of how big of a responsibility it would be and of how much Isak wanted this, so he could never joke about it. “What? No, no god. You know me, if I wouldn’t want it I wouldn’t have mentioned it.”

Isak seemed relieved that Even wasn’t taking it back, so relieved, and Even just hoped this was the right time to ask, he just hoped Isak felt the same about this as he did about having a family.

“Ehm,” He stuttered, realising he didn’t know how to do this. Whatever plan he had had, it didn’t fit anymore, so he’d just have to improvise. His hands were trembling, his heart beating so fast it felt like it could fly out of his chest any minute now, and Isak was staring at him with patient eyes, curious, but Even couldn’t face him.

“I was thinking- have been thinking, for a while now actually,” he started explaining, watching the reflection of the sun in the water. It was blinding him, but that was okay, it made it easier to talk.

“About our future,” He went on, and he forced his eyes up, seeing specks of sun as he looked at Isak’s face, “and… I was thinking,” he was delaying it, putting it off, but then he felt Isak’s fingers against his cheek. There was a soft smile on his face, maybe a knowing smile, and as Even saw the love in his boyfriend’s eyes he brought out, “maybe we should get married?”

 _Oh, I know it's not much but it's the best I can do_  
_My gift is my song_  
_And this one's for you_

Isak’s hand dropped in the water, sending drops of salt flying into Even’s face, and now there was shock. Parted lips, big beautiful eyes, a gasp, and Isak blinked at him, “Even, are you-“ he stuttered, and Even watched him swallow, “are you- proposing?” And that, well no, that hadn’t been his plan.

“Uh,” he frowned, kept his eyes on the love of his life, on his gorgeous face. This was the man who had accepted him for who he was, this was the man that wanted to have kids with him, with _him._ The one that stood by his side no matter what. Even would never find anyone as good for him as Isak. So… “I hadn’t really planned to? I just wanted to discuss it with you, see what you’d think, but… I mean, what the hell…”

He took Isak’s hands, saw the confusion in his eyes as Even started walking him backwards through the water, back to the beach. Even had found his soulmate, he knew he had, and yet it had been so difficult for him to see this was what he wanted for so long. A house, a family, a husband. Growing old together, his heart with Isak and Isak’s with him. They were Isak and Even, had been for over four years. Fuck his fears, fuck everything.

As he stepped back onto the sand, still holding on to Isak’s hands, he started talking, “remember that night you asked me where I saw myself in five years? I think that was the night you started healing me, and you have been doing so ever since.”

There were tears in Isak’s eyes, already. He was such a sucker for romance, it was something Even loved about him. Isak could cry about the smallest things, about Even surprising him with a soft ‘I love you’, over Even taking the time to make dinner when Isak had fallen asleep on the couch, even though it had been Isak’s turn. But this wasn’t a small thing, it was a huge thing.

“I never asked you the same question, but I came to learn over time. So, I didn’t plan this, I have no –I have no ring to put on your finger,” he apologised, “but I love you. I became yours a long time ago, and now I’m asking you to take me again.”

Even went down on one knee, tipped up his head so he could watch Isak clasp a hand in front of his mouth when he realised that Even was really fucking doing this. Fuck. He was really fucking doing this? “Isak Valtersen, man of my dreams,” Even stammered, and Isak fell to his knees in front of him before Even could ask the question. Their eyes met, and Even got to look into those green depths as he finally popped the question, “will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Isak replied before Even had even finished talking. They stared at each other, both in disbelief that this was real, because Even hadn’t expected to actually ask the question today, and because Isak hadn’t expected to hear it. Even had thought that he would have had to come up with a whole romantic proposal at a later time, something special and creative, but here they were. And Isak said yes.

Then Isak started laughing, a large grin returning on his face as he brought out a surprised sounding, “fuck, we just agreed to get married.”

The corners of Even’s mouth twitched too, and he wanted to kiss Isak, so he did. He kissed Isak long and hard, realising that Isak was no longer his boyfriend, but his fiancé now. And shit, that shouldn’t make him as proud, but it did. Isak would be forever his, until death do them part.

They fell back in the sand and Isak crawled on top of him, straddling his hips as he made himself comfortable, and Even knew what this could lead to. Now they really had to take some sand back home, shit. Isak pushed Even’s lips apart and their tongues slid together, and want burned hot red in his abdomen.

But it didn’t last long enough to lead anywhere, for Isak’s thoughts were on other things, “god, you need to call that guy, Chris? He has to come pick us up.” “Why?” Even asked as he placed his hands on Isak’s lower back, tried to get him to kiss him again, but Isak was having none of it. “Because I refuse to go to bed without a ring on my finger,” Isak stated, as if it should be clear as day to Even that that was what Isak wanted, and Isak cocked an eyebrow at his boy- fiancé.

Before he could reply Isak had gotten up, running back to their stuff, and he instantly started packing again. They had only been there an hour at best, but Isak was done with it now. “But it’s your birthday,” Even brought out, “you’ve been begging to come here for weeks.” And Isak screamed back as he was throwing his shirt in a bag, “yeah, well, that was before you proposed to me, Even Bech Naesheim.”

 _And you can tell everybody this is your song_  
_It may be quite simple but now that it's done_  
_I hope you don't mind_  
_I hope you don't mind_  
_That I put down in words_  
_How wonderful life is while you're in the world_

_\---_

Chris wasn’t surprised that Even called him to ask for him to come pick them up and get them back to the main-land. All he had said to Even’s request was, “dude, you asked that early on in the day?” and well, Even hadn’t meant for Chris to be right about his previous statement, but he was.

The original plan had been to return to shore somewhere tonight, after a lovely day in the sun together, with him having an answer to the question whether Isak felt like it was the right time to _think_ about marriage, not with them having decided to start their own family and to actually get engaged. Yet there they were.

Isak spent their time waiting for Chris to arrive by summing up everything they’d have to do now and Even would have been annoyed by now it if it hadn’t been for Isak’s sparkling enthusiasm. “We need to get rings first, obviously. Then we’ll stop by my parents, because I want them to know before someone finds out about it and puts the news online. Like that Chris dude. Also, tomorrow we can tell Ellen, we should make it a big surprise too, and then once our closest family knows we can let the whole world know,” he said as he folded their blanket in his hands.

“And then, once we’re finally home,” Isak didn’t even pause, “I am going to get you out of those clothes and kiss you all over until you call me Isak Bech Naesheim,” Isak said the words so casually, but they did something strange to Even. They made his heart skip a few beats as Isak’s voice rang through in his head ‘Isak Bech Naesheim’.

To hear Isak refer to himself like that, with Even’s last name, it was overwhelming and Even found himself unable to hold back from kissing Isak again. The blanket fell from Isak’s hands as Even’s hands touched his waist and pulled him in, and Isak met his lips without spluttering.

They stood there kissing until Chris’s voice brought them out of it, and when Even finally let go Isak started grumpily complaining about how Even had managed to distract him to the point where he still wasn’t done getting their stuff ready when Chris arrived.

Even laughed and helped him by pushing the blanket on top of the other stuff without bothering to fold it, and he took the bag from Isak’s hand before he could protest, “relax,” he assured him, “we have other things to think about.” It helped Isak think back to what he had just summed up, and as he realised that Even was right, he let it go.

Isak sat pressed against his side the whole way back to the main-land, and Chris kept grinning whenever he turned his face to look at them. Even’s _fiancé_ however, appeared not to notice it. He was playing with Even’s hand, tracing the outline of his fingers, and Even tried not to think of other times where Isak had done the same thing but then with his tongue, because it wasn’t appropriate to think about in public.

His cheeks coloured pink and he turned his face away, kissing Isak’s head so he could hide a bit from the knowing looks of their so-called captain. Isak kept going back to tracing his ring finger though, and Even wondered if he was already thinking of which rings he’d like for them.

Even was a bit at a loss when it came to that. He had no clue what he wanted or what Isak liked when it came to jewellery, so maybe it was best that he hadn’t shown up with a ring today. He could have definitely picked the wrong ring and it would have been a disaster, so no, this was a much better alternative.

When they got back to the mainland and had said goodbye to Chris, Even realised he didn’t even know where to go to get them rings in the first place. They had walked to the car together as if they were simply going to get some groceries instead of actual engagement rings, and Even had no clue what to do now, but Isak didn’t ask him either. His lover just got in the driver’s seat as Even got in the passenger seat, not saying a thing at all, and he started the car and drove off.

“Uhm,” Even started, “do you know where you’re going?” he asked eventually, realising that he couldn’t not ask right now, and Isak laughed while he raised his eyebrows. As if Even was crazy for asking such a question, and maybe he was.

“Do you really think that I haven’t got everything planned already?” he asked Even in surprise, “that I haven’t thought about what exactly I want? I swear, I’ve got a book somewhere with all my ideas for the wedding already,” Isak chuckled as he admitted it, and Even blinked at him from his seat, “I’ve had this whole tea session with Vilde about it, she has helped a lot.”

Even should have known, after all he knew that Isak was all about planning and he had been thinking about their future way before Even had. So of course Isak had already done the research for their wedding. Even really shouldn’t be that surprised. Isak had found which breed of dog would be perfect for them before Even had said it was a good idea to get a dog in the first place.

Of course Isak knew where to go to get rings. He probably had plans somewhere for a nursery already, knowing one day Even would come around and give in. Yet Even was actually in shock. He was staring at Isak open-mouthed as Isak drove with a smug look on his face.

So, no, he wasn’t shocked because of how much Isak had thought about this already, but more because this was all happening so fast. “I actually thought I would have to be the one to pop the question one day,” Isak told Even as he kept his eyes on the road, giving Even another tiny heart attack, “thought you were never going to talk to me about it.”

“Wow, you have so much faith in me, I can tell,” Even commented, sounding as sarcastic as he felt, “I never expected myself to want kids, to want to get married, so it took me some more time than it took you.” He wasn’t trying to sound hurt, but Isak chuckled and put his hand on Even’s knee anyway, “it’s okay, baby, I know. I would have waited for you no matter how long it would have taken you.”

“Yeah? How long has it been since you first started planning?” Even asked, turning his head to look at Isak’s face, and his boyfriend pursed his lips as he looked at the road. He was quiet for such a long time, and it made Even realise that it may have been on Isak’s mind a lot longer than he had thought. “How long?” he asked again, pushing it, and Isak sighed at him as if he really didn’t want to admit it.

He pulled back his hand from Even’s leg to place it back on the steering wheel before he mumbled something much too soft for Even to hear. “What?” Even asked again, making clear he hadn’t heard him, and Isak full on groaned now, “fine. Two and a half years, okay?”

He didn’t exactly sound ashamed, more like he was worried Even was going to judge him for it, but all Even felt was astonishment. “Two,” he repeated, speaking word for word, “and a half years? Fuck.”

Isak could hear the disbelief in his voice, and he was quick to explain himself, “well, I was just very sure of us very soon into our relationship. We had gotten through what I hoped to be the worst period of our relationship, the times where we didn’t know each other’s deepest secrets, and I fell for you even harder. I just knew.”

“Faen, Isak,” Even commented as he shook his head, unable to believe that it had really been so long since Isak had first thought about wanting to marry Even. It had been so long, Isak had been that in love with him for so long, and Even didn’t know what else to say to that. He wasn’t really able to say anything at all, the emotions in his chest having taken control over his throat.

Isak parked the car only a minute later, and he turned off the engine, looked at Even and he swallowed visible, “are you truly, absolutely, two hundred percent sure about this?” he asked him, as if part of him was still scared Even was going to back out of this, while he had been the one to ask Isak, not the other way around.

Even decided not to use words, for they wouldn’t be convincing enough. Instead he unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned in to cup Isak’s face in his hands while he looked into his lover’s eyes. He kissed Isak’s lips, leaving no room for doubt in his mind, and when he pulled back again Isak looked a little out of it. He unbuckled his own belt with a big grin and didn’t ask his question again.

When Even followed him out of the car he noticed how they were outside of a fancy looking place. It was a shop Even didn’t recognise, but Isak started telling him about it, “I used to walk past this shop a lot when I was younger, I know they’re one of the best in Oslo. I remember some celebrity in there, don’t remember who it was, but someone from TV, and from that moment on I always thought I’d come here one day to buy an engagement ring for my girlfriend. Turns out that idea kind of changed, for I don’t have a girlfriend, but they still have a large selection so it will be perfect.”

Even couldn’t care less about their selection, as long as he’d get to put a ring on it, but Isak cared about it. Which was exactly why Even followed his lead, holding the door open for him and walking in after him so Isak could do the talking. “Hei, we’d like to check out your engagement rings,” Isak told the man behind the counter who was giving them a very polite smile, dressed in a suit with an expensive tie.

Even thought it was a good thing Isak was doing the talking, because he realised he was too stunned to do much or explain it all. He just hoped no one would recognise them and spill the news before they’d get to share it themselves, but if this man wasn’t going to comment on them being together then maybe he didn’t know who Even was.

“Of course,” the man replied and he stepped away from the counter to walk them over to a different section of the store. Isak walked ahead and Even followed, his legs taking him wherever Isak was going too, which happened to be a showcase with rings. Diamond rings to be precise. These were engagement rings, sure, but they were very… feminine. And Isak noticed it too.

“Uh, I’m sorry, maybe it wasn’t being clear enough. _We_ are looking for engagement rings for ourselves. As in, I’m not asking a girl to marry me, because I just got engaged to my boyfriend,” he explained, not trying to sound rude, but Even knew his fiancé was a tad annoyed by how the man had just assumed he had meant an engagement ring for a woman.

Even loved seeing him that way, because it always reminded him of how there had been times where Isak hadn’t wanted to hold hands outside because he had been so scared they would get judged for it, scared that they’d end up in fights with homophones and one of them could get seriously hurt, but now here he was. Isak was evidently proud of himself, he was proud of who they were together, and it had been enough for him to give the rest of the world the middle finger.

The man apologised, his face turning red as he spoke, and he instantly walked to a showcase a little further while he pretended the little misstep hadn’t happened. “So we are looking for two rings?” the man asked, still avoiding eye contact, and Isak hummed and nodded to confirm that they were. “Are you looking for the same pair of rings or do you want different ones?”

Isak looked up at Even then, asking him what he felt like, and Even hadn’t really expected him to. He had expected Isak would be able to just point out which two they’d be taking and that would be it, but he wasn’t. He was asking Even for his opinion with his eyes, and Even cleared his throat as he looked at the selection of rings, “I think the engagement rings should be different, but I’d like the wedding bands to be the same.”

Then he looked at Isak, “maybe we could, like, pick the ring for the other. You know, the way we would have done with a surprise proposal.” The suggestion got Isak’s face to light up, and he smiled brightly before he turned to the man behind the counter and excitedly told him, “yes! That. Exactly that.”

The man pulled out a few sets of rings for them to look at, and Even’s eye instantly fell on a slimmer band, a shiny one that had an embedded diamond in it, but it wasn’t the same kind as the engagement rings for women. Even liked it, liked how graceful it appeared and its beauty reminded him of Isak. It was kind of perfect, and the others had nothing on the way the diamonds shone, pulling his eyes back to it every time. As if Even was staring into the sun.

“I know already,” he told Isak, realising that it had taken him less than a minute, and Isak wasn’t done yet. He had this concentrated look on his face, his eyes narrowed as he tried to look at some rings up close, and he pushed at Even with his free hand, “alright then, go wait somewhere else while I’ll pick. Can’t have the surprise be ruined by you watching my every move.”

Even chuckled, but he still agreed, and another staff member walked Even to a table in the middle of the story where she measured his ring size for later. He told her to check if Isak would fit the diamond ring he had seen, the most perfect one, and she immediately knew which one he was talking about. She nodded at Even and left him by himself again, and in that moment Even had another wave of shock wash over him.

They were truly doing this.

Once there would be rings, this would be official. The rings would mean they would really be engaged, and Isak would take them to his parents to tell them the news. It was so strange, how once again their lives were being turned upside down over the course of a few hours, but this time it wasn’t because Even had made any mistakes. This was the opposite of a mistake, and instead of anxious fear, Even felt exciting nerves.

It was a very big step, bigger than living together, and that was what made it scary, but rather than it pushing them apart, it was only pulling them closer together. He felt it when Isak sat down in front of him with two closed ring boxes, smiling at him with this knowing look, and when Even looked up he noticed the staff members were giving them their moment.

Isak’s eyes were a bright green, twinkling like leaves of a tree catching the light of the sun, and he pushed one of the closed ring boxes towards Even until Even put his hand over the box and held on to it.

“You were the one to ask me,” Isak reasoned then, “so you should show me mine first.” It was a good argument, but it brought out more of those nerves, and Even felt his hand tremble as he picked up the box with both hands when Isak was done talking. He assumed that the ring would fit then, otherwise they would have told him it wouldn’t, but Even made sure to check if it was the right one in there before he turned the box to Isak.

“I chose this one because you are the light in my life that warms my heart and makes my days so much sunnier,” Even explained as he forced himself to keep his eyes on Isak’s, even if he wanted to look away. This was an important moment, he wanted to see Isak’s face when he’d see the ring, so when he pulled on the top part of the box he did so very slowly, as if to try and make the reveal pass in slow motion.

There was anticipation on Isak’s face, his mouth being slightly open while he lowered his head to look inside, as if that would make him see the ring any sooner, and then he must have seen it, for the smile that appeared shone brighter than the diamond inside the box. Isak was ecstatic, letting go of his own box as he shrieked, “oh my god, I actually had my eye on that one?! Even, oh my god, Even. Baby.”

He looked so fucking happy that Even couldn’t imagine what he would look like once he would slide the ring on Isak’s finger. The ring was light between his fingers as he picked it up out of the box, and Isak caught on quickly. He held out his hand, fingers spread apart, and he stared at them as Even slowly pushed the ring on his ring finger.

It took a bit of wriggling, but then it fit perfectly, and when it was on Isak’s finger he took back his hand and held it in such a way he could see the diamond sparkle in the light of the story. “It’s so perfect,” Isak whispered, “god, you’re so perfect.”

There was such awe in his reaction, he had turned so soft while he looked at his hand, as if he really felt it now. Even was going to marry him, Even was going to spend the rest of his life loving him, and he loved seeing that realisation dawn on his fiancé’s face. Isak stared at him with such tenderness, such adoration, that Even was a hundred percent sure of it…

He would never be alone again.

 

 

 

\---

Two days later Even got to put it online for the whole world to see.

They were getting married.

Even was smitten.

 

 

 

 

 

_**THE END** _

 

 

_**...** or is it? Head over to Isak's pov on Friday to read the finale, called: Happily ever after_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... more than half a year ago I started writing Cleansing My Soul, Isak's pov of this story, and it started off as a pretty basic story with very basic characters. I wanted fluff, but the story took me somewhere else, on a trip that I think really transformed this Isak and Even.  
> For more than half a year I poured my heart and soul into this story, sometimes writing days on end, editing to a point where I couldn't even notice my mistakes anymore. I've gotten too busy, so it's a great place for this fic to end, because I couldn't have left it unfinished.  
> I hope you loved Even's pov just as much as I did, I feel like this story would have not been complete without reading both sides. I also want to thank you for all your love and support throughout. I mean, most of you have been reading all those months, and that's some true dedication!!! I will forever hold you dear <33333  
> Thank you all, now on to Isak's chapter!


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